Am I paranoid or am I right? - 06/14/10 02:56 PM
I�m divorced, and for the past 8 months have been dating a man who is also divorced. Both of our marriages were broken up by adultery (we both had wayward exes). I, more than him, am now extremely aware of establishing boundaries in relationships, and I�m not nearly as trusting as I once was � I no longer give anyone the benefit of the doubt, and I find myself looking for gaps in the story or even creating gaps where none exists.
Now, my boyfriend was married for 8 years and was with the woman for about 15 years. As a couple, they were good friends with another couple. After the divorce, this other couple (the wife in particular) has made a point to remain friends with both my boyfriend and his exwife. The wife is the one who will call to arrange get togethers, chat and catch up, etc.
From what I have seen, this other couple does not have a healthy marriage. She rules the roost, and if she says jump, he says how high. The man can do nothing right. I�ve seen her berate him, calling him an idiot, acting with the utmost contempt and general disrespect. This makes me uncomfortable, just being around them when she�s like this. She is also bossy, and a complainer, and not really all that pleasant to be around sometimes. I don�t understand completely why my boyfriend keeps the friendship going, but I understand she was a good friend for him when he found out of his exwife�s affair, and also right after the divorce his mother passed away.
So, this is the part that I don�t like about the friendship � they don�t see each other very often, because she lives an hour away with her husband and children. Once, months ago, they planned to get together and ended up with her (by herself, because her hubby stayed at home to watch the kids) at my boyfriend�s house watching a movie. Just the 2 of them, all alone, and she stayed until almost midnight. The next day, I immediately expressed my opinion � I wasn�t comfortable with it. I understand they want to be friends, but I don�t think it�s right for her to be at his house, late at night, alone with him. His argument was that he thinks of her as just a friend so it�s no big deal. My argument was it's fine to be friends, but he should go to her house and see her and her husband and her kids, or at least go out to a meal where you are in public. No alone time.
Also, when we are all together, she tends to be a bit touchy feely. She will try to link her arm through his, or she�ll come up and hug him, or even put herself into the crook of his arm to cuddle. Again, I�ve expressed that this makes me uncomfortable. Maybe if she were like this with everyone, I would get that �it�s just her� but she�s way nicer to my boyfriend than she is to her hubby, and it�s not like she�s hugging and cuddling with her girlfriends. My boyfriend doesn�t encourage her behavior, but he also didn�t ever discourage it (by walking away, for example) until I told him how I felt about it and after a very long discussion he agreed to talk to her about it. They attribute it to the fact that I don�t know her very well. Which I don�t, but I highly doubt I will ever be okay with any woman coming to my boyfriends to watch a movie alone with him, or snuggle with him. He admitted that yes, she did this a bit when she was over watching the movie.
I do not know if I�m making a bigger deal out of this than it needs to be. Is it good enough that he is now aware that I�m not comfortable with certain things and he�ll just not do those things anymore? He doesn�t necessarily agree, it�s more that he is appeasing me because I was so upset. I used to believe that men and women can be friends, but I just don�t anymore. I don�t know if I�m just paranoid, or if I�m right to expect certain boundaries be established in cases like this.
When I truly sit and think about it, I do trust him and I don't honestly think there is anything going on between them - but I definitely don't like the impression it gives, and sometimes I think that this is how these things "just happen".
Now, my boyfriend was married for 8 years and was with the woman for about 15 years. As a couple, they were good friends with another couple. After the divorce, this other couple (the wife in particular) has made a point to remain friends with both my boyfriend and his exwife. The wife is the one who will call to arrange get togethers, chat and catch up, etc.
From what I have seen, this other couple does not have a healthy marriage. She rules the roost, and if she says jump, he says how high. The man can do nothing right. I�ve seen her berate him, calling him an idiot, acting with the utmost contempt and general disrespect. This makes me uncomfortable, just being around them when she�s like this. She is also bossy, and a complainer, and not really all that pleasant to be around sometimes. I don�t understand completely why my boyfriend keeps the friendship going, but I understand she was a good friend for him when he found out of his exwife�s affair, and also right after the divorce his mother passed away.
So, this is the part that I don�t like about the friendship � they don�t see each other very often, because she lives an hour away with her husband and children. Once, months ago, they planned to get together and ended up with her (by herself, because her hubby stayed at home to watch the kids) at my boyfriend�s house watching a movie. Just the 2 of them, all alone, and she stayed until almost midnight. The next day, I immediately expressed my opinion � I wasn�t comfortable with it. I understand they want to be friends, but I don�t think it�s right for her to be at his house, late at night, alone with him. His argument was that he thinks of her as just a friend so it�s no big deal. My argument was it's fine to be friends, but he should go to her house and see her and her husband and her kids, or at least go out to a meal where you are in public. No alone time.
Also, when we are all together, she tends to be a bit touchy feely. She will try to link her arm through his, or she�ll come up and hug him, or even put herself into the crook of his arm to cuddle. Again, I�ve expressed that this makes me uncomfortable. Maybe if she were like this with everyone, I would get that �it�s just her� but she�s way nicer to my boyfriend than she is to her hubby, and it�s not like she�s hugging and cuddling with her girlfriends. My boyfriend doesn�t encourage her behavior, but he also didn�t ever discourage it (by walking away, for example) until I told him how I felt about it and after a very long discussion he agreed to talk to her about it. They attribute it to the fact that I don�t know her very well. Which I don�t, but I highly doubt I will ever be okay with any woman coming to my boyfriends to watch a movie alone with him, or snuggle with him. He admitted that yes, she did this a bit when she was over watching the movie.
I do not know if I�m making a bigger deal out of this than it needs to be. Is it good enough that he is now aware that I�m not comfortable with certain things and he�ll just not do those things anymore? He doesn�t necessarily agree, it�s more that he is appeasing me because I was so upset. I used to believe that men and women can be friends, but I just don�t anymore. I don�t know if I�m just paranoid, or if I�m right to expect certain boundaries be established in cases like this.
When I truly sit and think about it, I do trust him and I don't honestly think there is anything going on between them - but I definitely don't like the impression it gives, and sometimes I think that this is how these things "just happen".