If you read this and wonder where 'the rest of my story is' follow
THIS LINK .
On that note, here are my comments on several responses to the thread linked at the beginning on disabled spouses and adultery. This thread had nothing to do with me, but it sure hit some nerves as you can tell I'm sure!
All the colors and highlighting is mine!
What kind of a monster commits adultery on their ailing spouse? That is a special kind of callous and cruel.
The kind I married. Thank you ML.
What part of "...for better or worse, in sickness and in health, 'til death do us part" isn't clear?
The
'I do'?
Hopefully live with integrity and keep my vows.
I too think it's cruel to cheat on your spouse, especially if they're ill. Doesn't mean I don't have compassion for the WS, but it doesn't make it right.
Thank you.
How would that be grounds for divorce? I would like to see you defend divorcing a spouse just because they are ill. How would you defend that?
This one made me cry. And keeps me fighting for my daughter. I want to hear him defend himself against the paper trail of proof I have.
Adultery is adultery no longer how long your spouse is sick. And abandonment of a sick spouse is still abandonment whether it happens 1 year or 30 years after that spouse falls sick.
What you are espousing is betrayal of the worst kind. It is one thing to betray a healthy, competent spouse, but to betray an ill spouse? That takes a special kind of selfishness and depravity.
That helps me as well, more than you know.
I found a Harley article that addresses this subject:
What to Do with an Emotionally
or Physically Disabled Spouse
Letter #2
In spite of her disability, she is still a person who can love you. She will try to make the most of the ability that she has if you let her.
Reading that letter when I saw it helped me a lot, it makes so much sense. I kept this part of the quote because it hits me the hardest. I'm not in a wheelchair, there was not a single need of his that I did not, could not, or would not, have filled
if given the chance, especially in the early years of our marriage.
Emotional needs are not things you die without. Like breathing oxygen. Emotional needs are things you "need in order to be in love." Not things you need "in order to stay alive."
These are great posts, Markos and I agree 100%. I think some do miss the point that emotional needs are relevant in the context of a romantic relationship. Like you said they are not needs like food or oxygen that one needs to stay alive. One does not NEED to have a romantic relationship.
I thought it was interesting that Dr Harley said in the radio clip that most don't cheat when their spouse is critically ill. Rather, the tendency is to enthusiastically tend to the disabled spouses needs and remain faithful. This situation reminds me that principles are not something to be observed only when its easy, but when its hard. Otherwise, one can't claim to have principles.
My ex in laws are like that, married somewhere around 64 years I think, still in love, and mom has been physically unhealthy for a long time,
dad is still standing by her and I have no doubt when one goes, the other will soon follow. They remind me a lot of the movie �The Notebook�.
I've thought about this as it compares to my marriage as well. Then I realized, he was cheating long before I got sick, why would I expect it to stop when I did get sick. Has to be lack of principles, glad he never tried to say he had any.
Last time I checked, the marriage vow - the promise - was "in sickness and in health." It doesn't say, "until once of us is incapacitated to the point where we can no longer..."
Another thank you.
Even adulterous parents need to make their children know how wrong it is.
My question is, how on earth is
an unrepentant wayward supposed to let their children know that what they did was wrong?
They don't, can't, or won't, not sure,
but it's why I am fighting to get my daughter back now. My stbxwh lives with his mother and apparently from what I hear now, one of his slimeball POSOW CA/EA bimbos. I will fight tooth and nail to get her away from that atmosphere. Even though it's looking like I might just be living in a car while I pay the lawyer...right after I get a car that is...ugh.
My H tried the whole exposure thing with her after I told him about my A. Didn't get him very far. She had no problem with me having an A.
This made a big impact with me. My stbwxh's parents view adultery in the marriage as acceptable apparently as they both had multiple affairs. Not even sure why they bothered to get divorced, but they did.
When I confronted my POS stbxwh on the first CA/EA, SHE backed up everything he said including telling me I was crazy to think it was like a real affair, I'd never experienced a real affair if I could possibly think this was even close!
Really? I witnessed with my own two eyes my XH screwing my best friend on the floor not five feet away from me.
This first CA/EA?
HURT FAR WORSE Why? He KNEW about the affairs my XH had and the effects it had on me AND still did it, using the excuse it wasn't 'physical sex'. Which he is now spewing his toxic
to my daughter!
Easy, honor your vows. Marriage is not about what you get, but what you give. You get an opportunity to prove that your words really have meaning if you honor your vows and give even when you are not receiving in return.
This is so very true. But one can only beat themselves into a brick wall for so long. It's still no excuse to break the 'forsake all others' vow until you break the 'till death do us part'. In the context of this thread however, any vow you break is the cruelest thing you could ever do.
I will not ever have a relationship with this guy.
I'm glad you came to your senses! This betrayed disabled wife appreciates it more than you know! Thank you!