Marriage Builders®
Posted By: peachsnapple Bf buys something against my wishes? - 09/18/13 03:51 PM
I live with my boyfriend. He wants to buy a motorcycle and I'm against it for various reasons including safety and saving money. His family is completely against it as well as mine. He keeps asking me if he can buy one or what would happen if he went out and did it anyway? Basically he implied he doesn't care how mad I'll be as long as I don't break up with him. I don't want to break up with him but if he went out and bought it against my wishes I would be extremely angry. I am currently maintaining a savings account with my money so that we will have that for our future. He doesn't have a savings and often times runs out of money in between paychecks. He also wants to pay off his credit cards. He pretty much is in debt with a car payment, personal loan, and two credit cards.


What else am I supposed to do? I told him he's not buying a motorcycle and if he does I'd be angry but don't know what else to say to him. These purchasing decisions are supposed to be made in agreement. By the way, we do plan to get married in the future. I understand we are not married yet, but having been living together we're close to it.
Posted By: markos Re: Bf buys something against my wishes? - 09/18/13 03:56 PM
peach, I would rethink marrying this guy. If he's agreed that decisions are supposed to be made only when both of you are in agreement, and is now disregarding that, it doesn't sound like he does a good job of keeping agreements, and he is likely to make you miserable in the long term.

Find someone who is willing to live by this advice:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html

You might want to check out Dr. Harley's book Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders. By looking for a husband who will make decisions that you both agree on, you are looking for what Dr. Harley calls a Buyer. Your boyfriend is showing himself to be a Renter, and living in a Renter's relationship does not usually lead to a happy marriage.
Posted By: MelodyLane Re: Bf buys something against my wishes? - 09/18/13 04:12 PM
Check this out: Living Together Before Marriage:Compatibility Test or Curse?
Posted By: reading Re: Bf buys something against my wishes? - 09/19/13 01:01 PM
You should, at the very least, tell him that you are going to separate the money so that your money goes into a personal account and he is free to spend his own funds on whatever he wants.

Then, he either gets his financial life together or goes down without you funding it.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Bf buys something against my wishes? - 09/19/13 01:49 PM
Originally Posted By: peachsnapple
I live with my boyfriend. He wants to buy a motorcycle and I'm against it for various reasons including safety and saving money. His family is completely against it as well as mine. He keeps asking me if he can buy one or what would happen if he went out and did it anyway? Basically he implied he doesn't care how mad I'll be as long as I don't break up with him. I don't want to break up with him but if he went out and bought it against my wishes I would be extremely angry. I am currently maintaining a savings account with my money so that we will have that for our future. He doesn't have a savings and often times runs out of money in between paychecks. He also wants to pay off his credit cards. He pretty much is in debt with a car payment, personal loan, and two credit cards.


What else am I supposed to do? I told him he's not buying a motorcycle and if he does I'd be angry but don't know what else to say to him. These purchasing decisions are supposed to be made in agreement. By the way, we do plan to get married in the future. I understand we are not married yet, but having been living together we're close to it.


Your case is similar to a young woman that called into the Dave Ramsey show recently.
His advice to the caller is the same advice that Dr Harley would probably advise you: Dont live together before marriage!

In the book Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders Dr Willard Harley explains that in order for a marriage to be successful, couples must agree to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement - Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse.

However, couples that live together prior to marriage don't follow this rule because they really haven't made a final commitment to each other for life.

I encourage you to read the book Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders to gain some perspective on your relationship
Posted By: Bonsai Re: Bf buys something against my wishes? - 09/20/13 01:52 AM
**edit**
Posted By: Prisca Re: Bf buys something against my wishes? - 09/20/13 02:29 AM
Quote:
Tell him it's not fair

Bonsai, check out Dr. Harley's book "Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders." You are a Renter, and you are giving Renters advice. Your relationship suffers because you are a Renter. Learn about becoming a Buyer.
Posted By: Bonsai Re: Bf buys something against my wishes? - 09/20/13 02:39 AM
Perhaps i don't know all of the terminology or have read all of the things for sale on this site, but the overarching idea that Dr Hartley injects into every single post is how important it is to TRY and not to simply disregard the relationship. It is important for both partners to TRY and often one has to go first. This is something i'm learning myself and something I considered when giving my advice.

Hit a wall with reason? Change the tactic, the OP here is trying to be heard. buzzwords are not templates or suggestions for actual conversations.

the advice to give up can be found in any forum.
Posted By: Prisca Re: Bf buys something against my wishes? - 09/20/13 02:53 AM
Marriages and Dating/living together arrangements are two different types of relationships and are advised differently.

If you and your boyfriend want to try, then I suggest you two become Buyers. You will not make it as Renters.
Posted By: MBsurvivor Re: Bf buys something against my wishes? - 09/20/13 02:55 AM
The purpose of this forum is to help posters understand Marriage Builders concepts. It is not a platform for personal philosophies. Please abide by our TOS and familiarize yourself with MB concepts before posting advice to others. Thank you
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Bf buys something against my wishes? - 09/20/13 03:36 AM
Originally Posted By: Bonsai
Perhaps i don't know all of the terminology or have read all of the things for sale on this site, but the overarching idea that Dr Hartley injects into every single post is how important it is to TRY and not to simply disregard the relationship. It is important for both partners to TRY and often one has to go first. This is something i'm learning myself and something I considered when giving my advice.

Hit a wall with reason? Change the tactic, the OP here is trying to be heard. buzzwords are not templates or suggestions for actual conversations.

the advice to give up can be found in any forum.

Please read.
Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders
Posted By: alis Re: Bf buys something against my wishes? - 09/20/13 11:16 AM
Originally Posted By: Bonsai
Perhaps i don't know all of the terminology or have read all of the things for sale on this site, but the overarching idea that Dr Hartley injects into every single post is how important it is to TRY and not to simply disregard the relationship. It is important for both partners to TRY and often one has to go first. This is something i'm learning myself and something I considered when giving my advice.

Hit a wall with reason? Change the tactic, the OP here is trying to be heard. buzzwords are not templates or suggestions for actual conversations.

the advice to give up can be found in any forum.


You are not in the position to give anyone relationship advice.
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