Brief history
48 yr old female dating 50 yr old male for 8 years, engaged for 4 years. Not a first marriage for either of us.
Bf recently diagnosed with terminal illness. (Probably a few years (up to 5) to live with treatments, but will likely suffer bad side effects from treatments during this time.)
Both of us devastated.
Problem - Our wedding was to occur in January, but now has been cancelled and moved to back burner. Bf doesn't express desire to discuss it or pick any new wedding date.
I am frustrated because I want to be able to help him during this time to ease anything that I can but we do not live together and it is not an option without marriage.
I guess I have to accept the fact that we cannot be together and give him the moral support the best I can from a distance. It would just be so much better for all if we were together.
I am just so lost....

I forgot to add another important feature that would benefit us if we were married and not just engaged. I would be able to take days off that would fall under the Family Leave Act to help take care of him during his roughest days. As it is, boyfriends are not covered under that plan so I am limited to the mere 2 weeks off I get yearly at my job to dedicate to his care.
I'm sure there is more.. but it is so overwhelming at the moment.

I am very sorry about your boyfriend's diagnosis.

Does he have any children?

I'm very sorry. :-(

How new is this? He might not be ready to deal with the implications of his illness and what marriage might or might not mean. He may be feeling like he doesn't want you to attach yourself to a man who is dying.

I'm sorry to hear of this sad state of affairs for you, Frisky. I also hope you understand that, once you are married, his Estate is partially owned by you. He may not want that. Does he have children? Does he have a Will? Can you not get time away from work to care for him?

My suggestion? Have a Justice of the Peace or another legally-endowed person marry the two of you if he is agreeable. You can accomplish that in very little time. Why haven't you done so?

Well, it is still a sad state of affairs here

We have chatted and a marriage is truly out of the picture now and I feel so hurt, abandoned on some level, and just going through the motions of living the best I can. I am trying to give the support that I can, trying to be as cheerful as I can, but it isn't easy. Now that the engagement is broken, total limbo is now the state of my life.
What a terrible place to be in. I guess that sacrifice is necessary here. There was some turmoil before the illness in trying to plan a wedding. He is certainly not strong in the communication department.

But I guess it is limbo for me for now

Dr Harley would not encourage you to sacrifice at the risk of depression for a boyfriend.
Can you visit your doctor for anti depressants?

Frisky, if he is unwilling to join his life to yours in marriage, I don't see why you would sacrifice for him. That sounds very unequal to me. He gets something and you get nothing.

I know you love him, but I would quit seeing him exclusively and begin looking for a new relationship for you. He has chosen to be alone in life instead of choosing to have you.

Markos and Jedi, Thank you both for your caring answers. Maybe more time is needed for me to sort it all out, but obviously I feel so torn in my choices. He says that he cannot imagine not being with me, but his actions perhaps say otherwise. (Should I say lack of actions, our relationship now reminds me of the song "say something" if you are familiar with that newer release)
Financially, I cannot marry him or I would be unable to live in my current life situation if he passes. That is what is comes right down to actually. Financially, he has everything sewn up in his personal finances (insurance, pension, etc) so that I would be unable to carry on in my current home, living in my current lifestyle. It is sad, but financial security is certainly in the top 2 of my needs list.. it isn't easy being a single divorcee and making ends meet!

I also encourage you to read the Bible and pray to God for guidance.

If you scroll down, you will find a forum for Prayer Requests and a dedicated poster posts daily Devotionals which I have found very helpful

That sums it up perfectly, doesn't it, FK?


I think it is dangerous to become financially dependent on someone who you are not married to. I would suggest you put a big priority on becoming financially independent. Develop a career you would enjoy that will make it possible to live on your own - then look for someone who will complement your life and is willing to marry you. When you find that person, you might then consider marrying them and letting them meet your need for financial commitment.

FK, how did your first marriage end, and your boyfriend's? Do either of you have children?

I am not dependent on him for finances. I have a great job that I went back to college to obtain. However I also have 2 children that are in college, a home mortgage to pay, car payments, college loan payments, etc etc. I receive alimony that would go bye bye if I remarried that would need to be replaced in order to pay the bills for me and my children.
So at the moment finances are not the issues, but if I remarry then they become necessary if my life is not to change.

I was cheated upon, which I was not even aware of until we had already parted, the main reason was for constant emotional abuse.

And his due to differences they were unable to resolve and an unwillingness to attend counseling by the exwife.

Yes, children on both sides.