Hello,

I am new to this forum. It seems a bit strange to share my life on the internet, but this seems like a nice forum and I hope you can give me some advice

I think I should give you some background information about my situation. So I got divorced earlier this year. I am 30 and was married for almost 10 years. The situation was very complicated and turbulent. I am originally from Bosnia. I'm not sure how much you know about my country but there was a terrible civil war there in the 90s. I was a teenager at the time and experienced the whole thing. There was mainly fighting between the different religious/ethnic groups in the country.

Well, I met my husband in high school and he is from a different religion to mine. So of course, this was always going to be a problem. Both of our families were against us being together and put a lot of pressure on us to break up. I think because I'm female, my family was especially against it. At the time we were young and quite naive. We loved each other a lot and believed we could make it work in spite of our families, so we got married. A few years later we actually left the country and moved to America together. The time we spent together was very turbulent, lots of ups and downs, terrible fighting. In our good moments we wanted children but decided to wait until things settled down before we actually started a family. After 10 years, I was getting to 30 and I realized that things would NEVER settle down. I loved him so much but I felt that I deserved to have a happier life and a family, so we split up.

Now, to bring us to the present time. I work as a medical interpreter. So basically I go with patients to appointments and translate. I've been going with a patient regularly to see a psychiatrist and Monday was her last appointment with him. After the appointment, I got an email from the doctor asking me if I would be interested in going out for dinner or drinks later this week. I never really noticed him to be honest, but his email was quite sweet so I agreed.

Well, now I'm REALLY nervous and kind of regret agreeing to go. My ex husband is the only man I've ever been with and the idea of even going out with somebody new is really frightening. I've just been so unhappy for many years now and it's a bit difficult to imagine myself acting happy/flirtatious with another man. Plus, I just realized this, I've never really been on a date before. This probably sounds crazy, but I met my husband when we were teenagers so we just became friends and then fell in love...

I could really use some advice. I don't have too many friends to talk to about this because everyone I know also knows my ex husband and I don't want this to get back to him. I asked my sister for advice but she is driving me crazy, so I started googling in hope of some answers. Any advice is appreciated, thank you very much

First, Dr Harley would probably advise you to end all contact with ex husband

Hi Malina!

The only advice I can give you is to listen to your gut. Are you simply nervous about dating again? Is there something about him that is making you feel uncomfortable?

Your first impression of a man is usually the correct one. Trust your instincts, and you will be just fine.

The times I've listened to my inner voice, I was glad. The times I tried to talk myself out of listening to my gut, and took a friend's advice, I regretted it. You seem a little nervous and only you can determine why - and what this means you should do.

Oh...and it's always easier to break things earlier than later (just dating in general). It seemed cold-hearted to me at first, but now I realize it is more compassionate to be honest up front.

Good luck, dear! Z

Welcome to MB and you are in a good place. It is strange that the most important decision we ever make (choosing our life's companion) is the one where we get least guidance and support from our families. That is especially true for someone who marries young without the support of their family.

The things you will learn here will help you with that as they have helped all of us.


Can you elaborate on this? What was the problem?



Dating is very much part of the selection process. Dr Harley says we should date 30 people to find the one that best meets our emotional needs. Lots of cultures don't 'do' dating (mine did not) but you are in the US now and dating is very normal.

Do you have any of the Harley books?

Malina, I would suggest that you accept his offer of a date. Meet him in a public place (a restaurant for dinner, perhaps.) Meet him there. Make arrangements to get yourself there and get yourself home. Don't allow him to accompany you home. That's a safe first date.

So, Malina: Did you go on the date?

Can you give us the scoop?