Being a giver and when to stop - 07/23/15 11:35 AM
I have a question about a relation to a friend, not a romantic relationship but a very special situation. It was a long time since I visited this forum but I know that there are wise and helpful people here.
Last summer I got to know a person through common friends. He seemed to be nice and I thought that we had common interests. However, almost exactly when we met he found out that he has a life-threatening disease with an expected survival of less than one year. I have also been seriously ill and maybe because of that he told me as one of the first. I was completely devastated and felt that I wanted to do something, anything to help him. He was so scared and he confided in me.
I am a scientist and used to finding information and I started searching. It turned out that the treatments for the disease have improved tremendously the last 3-4 years but a patient must find the right hospitals and doctors to access the therapies. I have helped him with this. At first against his will - he was in complete shock and not ready to do anything - but more and more he has instead started to rely on me.
My problem is that I feel like although we have a close relationship in one way, he is not very nice to me. It is always I who get in touch. If I don't contact him he does not get in touch, at least not for several weeks. When I suggest to meet up, he is quite often reluctant and he has never suggested anything at all to me. He is not interested in almost anything I do and he generally does not care about me. In normal cases I would just stop seeing him and it would be ok, you must not be friends with everyone. But I have continued because I know that I am making a difference for his disease. I have felt that it would be horrible if anything would happen that I could have helped. I have spent lots of time and energy on this and I think that I have had a positive influence. I thought that even if he is not nice, that is easier to stand.
Now a silly event happened and I got very sad so I have told him how I feel. I wrote to him that I feel that he is not very interested in being friends and I explained the situations and behavour that make me feel this way. I wrote that it makes me very sad.
I feel that I have been a giver for a whole year and have not received anything back. I thought that I could handle it but I can't anymore. Additionally, he is now on the probably best therapy available and I have very high hope that it is working. I think that it has made me relax and start thinking about how I feel.
I would appreciate any comments or thoughts.
Last summer I got to know a person through common friends. He seemed to be nice and I thought that we had common interests. However, almost exactly when we met he found out that he has a life-threatening disease with an expected survival of less than one year. I have also been seriously ill and maybe because of that he told me as one of the first. I was completely devastated and felt that I wanted to do something, anything to help him. He was so scared and he confided in me.
I am a scientist and used to finding information and I started searching. It turned out that the treatments for the disease have improved tremendously the last 3-4 years but a patient must find the right hospitals and doctors to access the therapies. I have helped him with this. At first against his will - he was in complete shock and not ready to do anything - but more and more he has instead started to rely on me.
My problem is that I feel like although we have a close relationship in one way, he is not very nice to me. It is always I who get in touch. If I don't contact him he does not get in touch, at least not for several weeks. When I suggest to meet up, he is quite often reluctant and he has never suggested anything at all to me. He is not interested in almost anything I do and he generally does not care about me. In normal cases I would just stop seeing him and it would be ok, you must not be friends with everyone. But I have continued because I know that I am making a difference for his disease. I have felt that it would be horrible if anything would happen that I could have helped. I have spent lots of time and energy on this and I think that I have had a positive influence. I thought that even if he is not nice, that is easier to stand.
Now a silly event happened and I got very sad so I have told him how I feel. I wrote to him that I feel that he is not very interested in being friends and I explained the situations and behavour that make me feel this way. I wrote that it makes me very sad.
I feel that I have been a giver for a whole year and have not received anything back. I thought that I could handle it but I can't anymore. Additionally, he is now on the probably best therapy available and I have very high hope that it is working. I think that it has made me relax and start thinking about how I feel.
I would appreciate any comments or thoughts.