I'm a divorced 53 year old lady with no kids. I'm disabled since 2008 which caused a huge drop in income since I had to go on SSDI. I started dating my neighbor about 2 years ago. He's 55, never married, no kids. He rents a room, works part time as an artist, and lives a very humble life. We both are in difficult financial situations. I had to file bankruptcy. He owes the IRS and is working on the Fresh Start Initiative. We get along well. My bf is considerate, generous, he helps me with my house which is a fixer upper, we have fun on our day trips. The issue that is bothering me is twofold: finances and lifestyle. My bf is very laid back. He's not ambitious and he has a hard time making decisions. I've encouraged him to step up and take more of a leadership role. I've always been the one to plan and prepare and I'm tired of doing it. I've asked him to be more of a partner and he's trying. Financially, my bf has no assets so we can't afford to get married and I'm concerned that if we stay together, we will keep the same humble lifestyle, as we struggle to make ends meet. A few friends say I should dumb him, he's a waste of time, and there is no future because we have different lifestyles and he can't afford the basic necessities of a marriage like the mortgage, utilities, vacations, medical expenses, etc. I'm not sure I should give up on him because he has no assets or money. I'd love to get some feedback from others who are either in this situation or have been. Should I stay or should I move on?

If you want to eventually marry someone, you should start dating others to find an appropriate match. [Dr Harley recommends dating 30 guys] This guy is certainly not a good match and it is very unlikely he would make you happy if you married him.

The goal of marriage selection is to choose someone who would be a good match, not to offer charity to someone who is seriously lacking. You can find someone who would complement your lifestyle and make you happy in the future. I don't think this guy could do that.

Good points! I see what you are saying. I am divorced after being married for 10 years to a guy who didn't have much to offer financially or socially. I am not interested in getting married again. Marriage did not work for me. Right now, I like my freedom and independce. I do appreciate having a strong companion to share my life with as I don't want to be alone either. I have a hard time figuring out how I would date 30 guys. That would be exhausting for me. However, your point is well taken. I hear you loud and clear. It's just hard because the guy I'm dating is so nice and such a sweetie. He lacks initiative and is very complacent. I really appreciate your perspective. Thank you for taking the time to comment.

Hi Petunia.

Why Dr. Harley advocates dating 30 people is so you can have the contrast effect of other men and you won't "settle" for the one that isn't good marriage material.

You can go and have coffee with a few gentlemen.

Oh, okay. I need to refresh my memory with Dr. Harley's materials. It's been more than 10 years since I read the information. I want a companion who is financially stable and secure. I am not looking for a husband at this time. Thank you so much!

You were the one who first introduced marriage into the conversation. So now you have me confused.

So you want to exchange needs meeting without commitment?

I guess I am confused too. This is what you said in your initial post.

Petunia,

It sounds like you both have your own set lifestyles and you simply aren't a match for each other. Continue looking by dating others. He's 55 and it sounds like he's content with this.

It sounds like you are trying to learn whether he is a "Keeper."

I would suggest that you read "Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders" by Dr. Willard Harley.

It will answer your questions about this guy and any future potentials as well.

Here Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders

I really appreciate your perspective. I know you are right. Deep in my heart, I already know we are not a good match. I just need to accept that and move on with my life and let him move on with his. Thank you.

We have different lifestyles. I need to move on because he is not a good match for me.

I do not want to be married now but I may in the future. My current bf is not a good match because we have different lifestyles and that will never change. I need to move on. Thank you for your comments. I appreciate you taking the time to reply.

Oh thank you so much for the recommendation. I will definitely reach this book. It's becoming more clear to me, that my bf is not a good match for me and I need to move on. I appreciate your reply.

Thank you so much! Sounds like just what I need!

So will you be breaking up with your BF?

Hello, I've been dating a very nice man for the past 3 1/2 years after my divorce. I was married for ten years prior to dating my bf, who I'll call Jack. Jack has never been married, has no children, and works part time. He rents a room from a neighbor, has a car, and comes from a good family. Last night, he brought up the topic of marriage. He said we've dated long enough. He's trying to buy a house but he feels if we got married it would solve our problems. You see, I'm totally and permanently disabled since 2008. I live on disability insurance check and can not work anymore. Right now, I'm in a terrible flare and have been sick for the past 9 months. Jack has been a life saver. I own a home and he helps me by cutting the grass, trimming the trees, and doing small jobs around the house. I can't afford to hire someone to do these tasks. I love Jack very much but I'm scared to get married again. He works part time and I feel he can't afford to be married, although the money he is paying in rent could be used to help pay my mortgage if we were to get married and live in my home. He's having trouble with rising costs of health insurance premiums. I'm on Medicare. I also had to file bankruptcy after my divorce and it's not discharged yet so Jack said we should wait until next summer to get married when the bankruptcy is discharged. Jack is sweet, kind, loving, giving, caring, doesn't smoke, drink, do drugs, chase women, use foul language or any of those issues. He isn't computer literate but he knows he needs to earn more income to take care of himself. I mentioned if we got married, he would need more income to take care of the household expenses because having a home costs money. I told him we would need to be able to take care of each other which would be hard for me since I'm chronically ill. I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone and I don't want to lose Jack either. He is ready to be married. It's been 3 1/2 years and we are celibate. I'm in physical pain. I don't feel good most days. I'm concerned I may make a bad decision that could affect the rest of my life. I appreciate you taking the time to read my question. What do you suggest Jack and I do?

Post moved to this thread. Pease stick to one thread.

So you never moved on? Did you ever try to date other men?

Ariel, I didn't know there was another thread. I haven't post here in more than one year.

I broke up with Jack. I dated a few guys but they didn't work out. Ended up getting back together with Jack.

Have you thought about emailing Dr. Harley?

Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question.

Have you talked to Jack about your need for him to be more financially sound before you would agree to marry him?

It sounds like Financial Commitment is a big EN for you. If he is not willing to negotiate a solution to this problem and find a job that would be more in line with your need for FC, this will affect your marriage and your lovebank for him in the long run. I would talk to him about this need and the kind of lifestyle you want to enjoy as a married couple, and work together to resolve this NOW before you get married.

I would NOT get married and just expect this to resolve itself, or think that you can just overlook it.

***EDIT***

Dr Harley does not advise people to decide how worthy they are, and then sacrifice and accept less to balance that. Telling a poster that she is not as worthy and should just learn to appreciate what she has, is not in line with Dr Harley's advice.

Please help this poster with Marriage Builders principles, or refrain from posting. Thank you.