Self Growth/Cheating/Love/Finding Hope - 10/14/15 06:35 PM
Well, if you want an interesting read about a relationship, personal growth, and life experience, I think this one may suffice. Be forewarned, this is going to be a long and detailed post. It�s as much for me to vent as to get other opinions. I�m condensing years and months and intense emotions into sentences here, so some of it may not sound as important as it is.
I am currently 29. My girlfriend is 27. We have separate places but spend most of our time together at mine for privacy purposes. Neither of us have children. We�ve been �together� roughly four years.
I met her from a rare coincidence that seemed so perfectly timed as to have to be destined. We went out on a couple of dates and stayed up all night talking, and I forewent sleep just to visit with her after long days of work. Before long at all we were both in love. She met my needs and I hers. Our givers were definitely going at it.
Forward a couple years or so later and I propose to her. I�d never felt a stronger desire to build a life with someone, to care for them, and to allow myself to be cared for. That�s what it is all about summed down isn�t it? Meeting emotional needs and having them met. Sure you can be selfless and seek to meet someone else�s but if yours aren�t met, well�.. I don�t know anyone that selfless. (Thinking of this as I type it all out has me wondering how much of a renter�s mentality I still may have�.. *sigh*) I slide the ring on her finger from my one knee, after she says �yes� with glee. She was radiant that evening.
Things are amazing for a few more months. We have our own pressures from family for the marriage but eventually I decide to wait until we�re more financially stable. She seems relieved at the suggestion and agrees. (In retrospect I�m torn over all of this, did I hurt her? She says no. She seemed relieved instead of sad as I was worried she would be).
Now do things tie together at this one point as we�ve had one therapist suggest? I�m sure they added to it if nothing else.
She slowly grows distant emotionally and less affectionate. Sex is slowly limited and eventually removed. Then so is kissing. Then touching. Then so is simple compassion or concern. All during this I am asking her why the change? My thoughts turn to her cheating. I could never find anything but grew increasingly distrustful and jealous of any relationships she had with male friends. I catch her sexting men on her phone (that are not close to us geographically). I�m angry and guilt her. �You won�t have sex with me but do all of this!?� She tries to make it up to me with sex, but that doesn�t work out. Eventually over the course of months she goes from man to man sexting, getting whatever needs she had met there. She said it make her feel like a sexual person. I can understand and try to be compassionate about it.
Now I�ve always said my one deal breaker was cheating. I rationalized away all of the sexting as not �classifying�. I made sure she knew that I�d want the ring taken off and her gone if she ever did. Ironically after enough arguing over what the underlying issue was in our relationship, she starts to forget the ring after showers, dishes, etc. I finally put it away back in the ring box one day and it takes a week to be asked about it. The ring is still in that box.
During all of this she blames herself for our relationship deteriorating. She is not in a good place emotionally, she says something is wrong with her but she doesn�t know what. We start to go to therapy together. (I should point out that during this time I started reading all of Dr. Haley�s books as well as others, more on that later.)
A couple months in after one particular therapy session we end up in a heated argument where she shifts all blame to both my sexual performance and physical characteristics. Neither of which I�d ever heard anything negative about. So I read countless books on the subject, change my diet, abstain from all pornography and severely limit my masturbation (the last two of which had been an increasingly relied upon means to escape rejection and stress).
I do my best and put forth extraordinary effort to meet any and all of her needs, this doesn�t include any physical ones except giving her plenty of massages. I do this for months. Then one day she goes from cold to completely unbearable. Hateful even. I can�t bear it and tell her whatever it is just come clean. I pour out what�s left of my heart and try to reach hers. Any deal breakers are off the table. I�d never felt such despair and hopelessness at this point. I promise to be amiable and to put aside any deal breakers. She agrees to meet later in person and talk. Now I have to point out that she has extreme anxiety in expressing her feelings to anyone in person. Most any of that is over the phone via texting. So we meet and I find out that
1. We started our relationship before she felt she was ready. She�d been abandoned not long before by a man she loved, and was just seeking friends at the time.
2. The man came back after we�d been together for nearly a year, they met up, and she slept with him.
3. He used her and left again.
So here we are more near the present. I�ve grown a lot emotionally during all of this. Avoiding love busters, meeting her needs, trying to avoid resentment. That�s one thing I really wish I knew how to deal with better. Resentment. It still soars up at times and seeks to sabotage everything along with my taker telling me it is a valid feeling. I suppose it is in a way, I was hurt and don�t wish to be again.
Looking back I see how I was selfish and thoughtless. I demanded sex and kissing to try and meet my own needs that were increasingly not met. Even simple affection at times, then honesty and intimate conversation. I�d have angry outbursts and say disrespectful judgements to manipulate. All of that behavior I believe is gone. The person that should be the judge of that is supposedly going to fill out the questionnaires and read Dr. Harley�s books, but that hasn�t happened in two months after a couple of promises.
So here we are currently. We�ve both been trying to rekindle things. We even succeeded to an extent, finding ourselves up all night and morning just talking. Showing more affection. Herein lies my issue. I�m finding my patience and energy running out. I�m so tired. After years of this emotional roller coaster and being blamed and hurt, I find it hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Especially when that tunnel was all but been sealed with a steel plate a meter thick. I know I share blame in all of this for my behavior and further driving her away. Now I feel more responsibility to help her overcome her aversions, and to exercise patience and selflessness. I find myself wondering if I should. If I can. I hope this will be the motivator we need to move forward with our lives, together. If you made it this far and actually read this, it�s appreciated. Just typing all of this out has helped me immensely. Thoughts? Feelings? How do you deal with resentment? How do you stay motivated?
I am currently 29. My girlfriend is 27. We have separate places but spend most of our time together at mine for privacy purposes. Neither of us have children. We�ve been �together� roughly four years.
I met her from a rare coincidence that seemed so perfectly timed as to have to be destined. We went out on a couple of dates and stayed up all night talking, and I forewent sleep just to visit with her after long days of work. Before long at all we were both in love. She met my needs and I hers. Our givers were definitely going at it.
Forward a couple years or so later and I propose to her. I�d never felt a stronger desire to build a life with someone, to care for them, and to allow myself to be cared for. That�s what it is all about summed down isn�t it? Meeting emotional needs and having them met. Sure you can be selfless and seek to meet someone else�s but if yours aren�t met, well�.. I don�t know anyone that selfless. (Thinking of this as I type it all out has me wondering how much of a renter�s mentality I still may have�.. *sigh*) I slide the ring on her finger from my one knee, after she says �yes� with glee. She was radiant that evening.
Things are amazing for a few more months. We have our own pressures from family for the marriage but eventually I decide to wait until we�re more financially stable. She seems relieved at the suggestion and agrees. (In retrospect I�m torn over all of this, did I hurt her? She says no. She seemed relieved instead of sad as I was worried she would be).
Now do things tie together at this one point as we�ve had one therapist suggest? I�m sure they added to it if nothing else.
She slowly grows distant emotionally and less affectionate. Sex is slowly limited and eventually removed. Then so is kissing. Then touching. Then so is simple compassion or concern. All during this I am asking her why the change? My thoughts turn to her cheating. I could never find anything but grew increasingly distrustful and jealous of any relationships she had with male friends. I catch her sexting men on her phone (that are not close to us geographically). I�m angry and guilt her. �You won�t have sex with me but do all of this!?� She tries to make it up to me with sex, but that doesn�t work out. Eventually over the course of months she goes from man to man sexting, getting whatever needs she had met there. She said it make her feel like a sexual person. I can understand and try to be compassionate about it.
Now I�ve always said my one deal breaker was cheating. I rationalized away all of the sexting as not �classifying�. I made sure she knew that I�d want the ring taken off and her gone if she ever did. Ironically after enough arguing over what the underlying issue was in our relationship, she starts to forget the ring after showers, dishes, etc. I finally put it away back in the ring box one day and it takes a week to be asked about it. The ring is still in that box.
During all of this she blames herself for our relationship deteriorating. She is not in a good place emotionally, she says something is wrong with her but she doesn�t know what. We start to go to therapy together. (I should point out that during this time I started reading all of Dr. Haley�s books as well as others, more on that later.)
A couple months in after one particular therapy session we end up in a heated argument where she shifts all blame to both my sexual performance and physical characteristics. Neither of which I�d ever heard anything negative about. So I read countless books on the subject, change my diet, abstain from all pornography and severely limit my masturbation (the last two of which had been an increasingly relied upon means to escape rejection and stress).
I do my best and put forth extraordinary effort to meet any and all of her needs, this doesn�t include any physical ones except giving her plenty of massages. I do this for months. Then one day she goes from cold to completely unbearable. Hateful even. I can�t bear it and tell her whatever it is just come clean. I pour out what�s left of my heart and try to reach hers. Any deal breakers are off the table. I�d never felt such despair and hopelessness at this point. I promise to be amiable and to put aside any deal breakers. She agrees to meet later in person and talk. Now I have to point out that she has extreme anxiety in expressing her feelings to anyone in person. Most any of that is over the phone via texting. So we meet and I find out that
1. We started our relationship before she felt she was ready. She�d been abandoned not long before by a man she loved, and was just seeking friends at the time.
2. The man came back after we�d been together for nearly a year, they met up, and she slept with him.
3. He used her and left again.
So here we are more near the present. I�ve grown a lot emotionally during all of this. Avoiding love busters, meeting her needs, trying to avoid resentment. That�s one thing I really wish I knew how to deal with better. Resentment. It still soars up at times and seeks to sabotage everything along with my taker telling me it is a valid feeling. I suppose it is in a way, I was hurt and don�t wish to be again.
Looking back I see how I was selfish and thoughtless. I demanded sex and kissing to try and meet my own needs that were increasingly not met. Even simple affection at times, then honesty and intimate conversation. I�d have angry outbursts and say disrespectful judgements to manipulate. All of that behavior I believe is gone. The person that should be the judge of that is supposedly going to fill out the questionnaires and read Dr. Harley�s books, but that hasn�t happened in two months after a couple of promises.
So here we are currently. We�ve both been trying to rekindle things. We even succeeded to an extent, finding ourselves up all night and morning just talking. Showing more affection. Herein lies my issue. I�m finding my patience and energy running out. I�m so tired. After years of this emotional roller coaster and being blamed and hurt, I find it hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Especially when that tunnel was all but been sealed with a steel plate a meter thick. I know I share blame in all of this for my behavior and further driving her away. Now I feel more responsibility to help her overcome her aversions, and to exercise patience and selflessness. I find myself wondering if I should. If I can. I hope this will be the motivator we need to move forward with our lives, together. If you made it this far and actually read this, it�s appreciated. Just typing all of this out has helped me immensely. Thoughts? Feelings? How do you deal with resentment? How do you stay motivated?