In other words, you are a married woman who is having an affair.
DING DING DING
Correctomundo
I'd encourage you to approach this with an open mind, Needy, because people here are honestly trying to give you the information you need to find yourself in a great romantic relationship, even if it stings.
I think you're actually lucky to have encountered issues with this BF so quickly because it should illustrate to a point that even with a partner substitution you are unhappy. Many people get further into their affair (past the point of divorce and remarriage) before they realize that.
I agree with the others you need to go back to your husband and try to fix what's going on there first, and if he refuses to work on the marriage, then we'll help you navigate that too. The program here is thorough enough to provide a plan of action for that situation that will take care of you well and set you up for success no matter what your husband decides to do.
This stuck out to me:
"I am insecure about me never being good enough. There is always someone better who can offer more, that will catch his attention. Not just with him, with anyone I have ever been with."
I can tell from what you've wrote elsewhere on this thread that you are familiar to a degree with MB concepts like the love bank. You also said this:
"We had followed the MB plan and guideline. I was struggling with him not meeting my needs I suggested counselling and he said he didn't think he needed to go given that my issue was sexual. In 16 years I don't recall him ever telling me I am beautiful or how much he thought of me."
Sounds like you guys didn't, actually. Maybe you did and he didn't, maybe neither of you did. But MB is you being radically honest with him and complaining in a respectful way that he isn't meeting your needs in certain areas...and then him agreeing and working to meet those needs. And vice-versa.
If you're not doing that, you're not doing MB, even if you're talking about other parts of it. Negotiation is a critical part of this program and if you're not doing it or one person refuses to do it, it can't work.
Even IF you were divorced I'd say the new guy isn't worth the trouble. If you're only 4 months in and the problems are this serious, time to start over with dating. But as the others alluded to...the issues here stem from the fact that it's an affair.
Not sure if you've made this connection but your fear of being dumped for greener pastures might (probably?) be a projection of what you just did to your husband. If you know that deep down inside of yourself, you are willing to do that to someone, why would others be any different? What reason would you have to believe in other people's monogamy if you don't see it in your own actions? Just something to think about, I mean no offense. It probably also makes your BF nervous, he knows this about your relationship just as well as you do! Check out this:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2332882Are you a buyer? If you were willing to be a buyer, and your husband agreed to be a buyer, you wouldn't have that insecurity. Buyers don't leave people for the reasons you stated. You're insecure because you KNOW you are a renter, and you're justifiably worried your boyfriend is too (he is...buyers don't participate in affairs, sort of antithetical to the mindset). Renters have every reason to be worried about someone leaving them for better options!
Given that you aren't divorced, I would definitely say new guy isn't worth the trouble. Speaking as a man, he doesn't respect you nor himself to be in this relationship, and that probably informs a lot his decisions about your relationship.
He's not going to invest in you enough to do a program like MB because that means he'd have to change, and that's a steep price for a guy like him to pay for low-hanging fruit, which is exactly what he views you as. It's what every man who gets involved with an unhappy married woman views her as.
He knew you were vulnerable and if he was going to do the kind of work MB involves he would have started with a single woman. I'm only speaking as a formerly single man.