Intermediary Training School - 10/24/09 03:26 PM
These are notes taken by a client of Steve Harley about the role of intermediaries. Please add anything you think relevant.
1. Intermediaries act as "SPAM filters" (Steve Harley's words), allowing only communication that fits the boundaries set forth in Plan B to be passed on to protect the BS.
They do not share any other info he sends, regardless of how benign the content. He said they can tell me he sent something.
2. They remain neutral...just a messenger sending info on, no reactions.
3. If he sends something inappropriate, they thank him for his communication, but let him know it will not be shared and refer him back to the PBL.
4. He said if he tries to contact me any other way, they will indicate I have not opened/listened to whatever it is, and refer him back to them for all communication.
Obviously, the key here is to be very consistent and not allow WS to push the boundary.
Regarding attempts at contact for discussing reconciliation and poor recoveries I have seen on MB--Steve said the biggest mistake people make is taking the WS back with no clear-cut plan for R. Steve also mentioned the following:
1. WS does not have to end the A before we can talk about R (Steve said he will help guide us and negotiate the end of the A and make a plan for R). So a NC letter FIRST is not a requirement.
2. I spell out what WS needs to do...get help for the addiction
3. He said I should wait for WS to show me what he is offering without me giving any indication of where I stand.
-WS does all the talking
-See what his plan is for R
-How does he know he is ready?
-He has to be showing actions that are consistent with R
-Show me he has/plans to remove OW from his life
-He said tell WS we need help/guidance, and let Steve then talk with him (no recovery demands as he will feel he is being controlled or I am being demanding). Steve said I could say something like,"We are really close to the edge here, and I do not want to make any mistakes. I would like to get someone to help us through this. All I know is I want us to be in love again. I am not asking you for a commitment, I am just asking you to speak with him so you find out his professional opinion of what R would involve for us."
4. During this time, I remain guarded and can say that it is not that I do not care, but that I just want to ease into R.
[My note on the above issue. Some WS' will make overtures about "reconciliation" early on only because the Plan B is working and they are missing the BS. They don't want to end the affair, but want to return to the status quo where they were getting needs met in both places. A good IM will be able to screen out the false alarms. A false alarm is usually indictated by bullcrap attempts like "how can I know if my feelings will come back if she won't let me contact her??" An IM should protect the BS from this kind of stuff.]
1. Intermediaries act as "SPAM filters" (Steve Harley's words), allowing only communication that fits the boundaries set forth in Plan B to be passed on to protect the BS.
They do not share any other info he sends, regardless of how benign the content. He said they can tell me he sent something.
2. They remain neutral...just a messenger sending info on, no reactions.
3. If he sends something inappropriate, they thank him for his communication, but let him know it will not be shared and refer him back to the PBL.
4. He said if he tries to contact me any other way, they will indicate I have not opened/listened to whatever it is, and refer him back to them for all communication.
Obviously, the key here is to be very consistent and not allow WS to push the boundary.
Regarding attempts at contact for discussing reconciliation and poor recoveries I have seen on MB--Steve said the biggest mistake people make is taking the WS back with no clear-cut plan for R. Steve also mentioned the following:
1. WS does not have to end the A before we can talk about R (Steve said he will help guide us and negotiate the end of the A and make a plan for R). So a NC letter FIRST is not a requirement.
2. I spell out what WS needs to do...get help for the addiction
3. He said I should wait for WS to show me what he is offering without me giving any indication of where I stand.
-WS does all the talking
-See what his plan is for R
-How does he know he is ready?
-He has to be showing actions that are consistent with R
-Show me he has/plans to remove OW from his life
-He said tell WS we need help/guidance, and let Steve then talk with him (no recovery demands as he will feel he is being controlled or I am being demanding). Steve said I could say something like,"We are really close to the edge here, and I do not want to make any mistakes. I would like to get someone to help us through this. All I know is I want us to be in love again. I am not asking you for a commitment, I am just asking you to speak with him so you find out his professional opinion of what R would involve for us."
4. During this time, I remain guarded and can say that it is not that I do not care, but that I just want to ease into R.
[My note on the above issue. Some WS' will make overtures about "reconciliation" early on only because the Plan B is working and they are missing the BS. They don't want to end the affair, but want to return to the status quo where they were getting needs met in both places. A good IM will be able to screen out the false alarms. A false alarm is usually indictated by bullcrap attempts like "how can I know if my feelings will come back if she won't let me contact her??" An IM should protect the BS from this kind of stuff.]