Rock and a hard place. How do I MBer this? - 03/24/10 10:37 PM
Let me start off by saying I spend most of my time on the SAA boards. I have read most everything Dr. Harley has written. I also practice what Jesus teaches by forgiving people (my spouse) for their failures first instead of getting angry or yelling.
Any comments or criticisms are welcome because I can't figure out what to do anymore. I'm sick of apologizing. I'm tired of the emotional storms, anger and bitterness. I'm sick of being lonely and blamed. Could I just have one day without conflict? There never seems to be any peace. We bounce from one emotional crisis to another without end. I can see my marriage dying and I don�t care anymore. What little time we do have together is generally ruined by her being constantly upset or offended at stuff like:
1) Last month BIL and a cousin's business partnership erupted into a family feud which my wife became emotionally distraught over (her- �they are calling my brother a LIAR�). Wife had to get involved and my critique of her draft letter wasn't received well. I said it was too wordy and would be inflammatory. But it wasn't what I said it was �the way I said it� that made her upset. I apologize.
2) Approx 3 weeks ago 18 yr old son tells us his 19 yr old GF of 2 years is pregnant. They are both still living at respective homes. On top of it they waited so long to tell anyone the baby will be here 4/15/10. We asked in Dec. but they denied. This sent my wife into a tailspin for 4 days while she copes and of course is generally depressed and gets new Rx for anxiety which turns her into a zombie.
3) Wife goes out and buys new iPhone without POJA. I call her on it, she gets mad at me for not being happy for her. Finally after some carefully chosen words (no yelling) from me she sees the light and understands why I was upset (independent behavior) and offers apology.
4) 3/20/10 Wife goes away for weekend with 15 yr old daughter to the LAST cheerleading competition. She has been cheering for 8 years and it has become so unenjoyable for daughter and wife that I finally have wife�s support to not re-enroll daughter. Nevermind the $3000+ annual costs. I arrive at last event in a nick of time which upsets wife. In fact we didn�t have a set plan- just that I would be there for the show. Upon seeing wife, its obvious she is upset. She tells me so and tells me how �emotional� she is about this being the last competition and implying I wasn�t there to support her.
5) Wife returns home Sunday evening 3/21/10 and gets upset with me because I failed over the weekend to remove the box spring on our front porch. She brought this up two times while out of town expressing her �need� to not have a �Sanfor d & Sons� house. My defense: my tools were on loan to BIL so I had nothing to disassemble it with. After retrieving tools on Monday I take care of boxspring on Tuesday. This ruins the precious 2 hours that we could have spent together on Sunday evening.
6) Monday: wife has another �emotional� scared day because pregnant girlfriend did not feel the baby move for 4 hours which turns into a non-event. We usually talk daily while working but I was busy at work and didn�t call her this day. When I get home she looks miserable and defeated.
7) Yesterday: Wife expressing foul mood and frustrated that she can�t DVR American Idol because AT&T hardware is malfunctioning. Asks me why I didn�t fix it yet. God I hate that show.
8) This morning I ask if she can drive our 8 yr old to school. She declines and says too busy and has one appt at 8am. I ask half sarcastically how one appt is a busy day? Whoops. She is offended. Morning ruined so badly we don�t kiss goodbye. At this point I really don�t want to apologize because I know she thinks this is all my fault and I know I won�t be getting any kind words from her. I was all at once misunderstanding her answer, inquiring and being jokingly sarcastic. Kind of like Hey can we ever have a light and feel good playful day? Can I ever crack a joke without offending her? Guess not.
I called her at 3pm "Honey I'm sorry if I came across rudely this morning. I didn't understand what you meant when you said you were swamped but only had one appt."
Her: �Why couldn�t you have said that this morning when I got upset about it?�
The conversation devolves into silence. She asks what we should do? I reply, �The best thing we could do is for me to apologize for being rude (which I just did) and you to apologize for being so offended like �I�m sorry too for being so offended or overreacting or getting angry because I know you weren�t trying to be mean.� That�s all. But nope. She replies �I am NOT going to apologize for being offended. You were the one being rude �blah blah blah.� It�s obvious we are getting nowhere so we agree to table it for after work. No ownership from her. Just her demands on me to take 100% responsibility.
On top of all that I also have had 2 women crying in my office in the last 4 days adding to and overwhelming my emotional capacity. I think of myself as a fairly enlightened male and I understand the inner workings of female�s emotional worlds thanks to lots of reading, Dr. Harley, Mber forums, and For Men Only: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women, Jeff Feldhahn but I have had enough.
I think about it from my view: for instance when I get home from work and I know my wife has been busy working and dinner is not even a thought yet, do I berate her for it? No. I offer to cook, or eat out or pick something up or � Not subject her to condemnation or anger.
Ladies, No offense intended but do you ever step out of your emotions, get a little perspective and say to yourself maybe �I should give my spouse a break for a day or a week?� I just can�t do this anymore. We never have fun anymore, just arguments and who said what and blame and me apologizing and her being unhappy. I don�t even like going home because every interaction is so draining. Help.
Any comments or criticisms are welcome because I can't figure out what to do anymore. I'm sick of apologizing. I'm tired of the emotional storms, anger and bitterness. I'm sick of being lonely and blamed. Could I just have one day without conflict? There never seems to be any peace. We bounce from one emotional crisis to another without end. I can see my marriage dying and I don�t care anymore. What little time we do have together is generally ruined by her being constantly upset or offended at stuff like:
1) Last month BIL and a cousin's business partnership erupted into a family feud which my wife became emotionally distraught over (her- �they are calling my brother a LIAR�). Wife had to get involved and my critique of her draft letter wasn't received well. I said it was too wordy and would be inflammatory. But it wasn't what I said it was �the way I said it� that made her upset. I apologize.
2) Approx 3 weeks ago 18 yr old son tells us his 19 yr old GF of 2 years is pregnant. They are both still living at respective homes. On top of it they waited so long to tell anyone the baby will be here 4/15/10. We asked in Dec. but they denied. This sent my wife into a tailspin for 4 days while she copes and of course is generally depressed and gets new Rx for anxiety which turns her into a zombie.
3) Wife goes out and buys new iPhone without POJA. I call her on it, she gets mad at me for not being happy for her. Finally after some carefully chosen words (no yelling) from me she sees the light and understands why I was upset (independent behavior) and offers apology.
4) 3/20/10 Wife goes away for weekend with 15 yr old daughter to the LAST cheerleading competition. She has been cheering for 8 years and it has become so unenjoyable for daughter and wife that I finally have wife�s support to not re-enroll daughter. Nevermind the $3000+ annual costs. I arrive at last event in a nick of time which upsets wife. In fact we didn�t have a set plan- just that I would be there for the show. Upon seeing wife, its obvious she is upset. She tells me so and tells me how �emotional� she is about this being the last competition and implying I wasn�t there to support her.
5) Wife returns home Sunday evening 3/21/10 and gets upset with me because I failed over the weekend to remove the box spring on our front porch. She brought this up two times while out of town expressing her �need� to not have a �Sanfor d & Sons� house. My defense: my tools were on loan to BIL so I had nothing to disassemble it with. After retrieving tools on Monday I take care of boxspring on Tuesday. This ruins the precious 2 hours that we could have spent together on Sunday evening.
6) Monday: wife has another �emotional� scared day because pregnant girlfriend did not feel the baby move for 4 hours which turns into a non-event. We usually talk daily while working but I was busy at work and didn�t call her this day. When I get home she looks miserable and defeated.
7) Yesterday: Wife expressing foul mood and frustrated that she can�t DVR American Idol because AT&T hardware is malfunctioning. Asks me why I didn�t fix it yet. God I hate that show.
8) This morning I ask if she can drive our 8 yr old to school. She declines and says too busy and has one appt at 8am. I ask half sarcastically how one appt is a busy day? Whoops. She is offended. Morning ruined so badly we don�t kiss goodbye. At this point I really don�t want to apologize because I know she thinks this is all my fault and I know I won�t be getting any kind words from her. I was all at once misunderstanding her answer, inquiring and being jokingly sarcastic. Kind of like Hey can we ever have a light and feel good playful day? Can I ever crack a joke without offending her? Guess not.
I called her at 3pm "Honey I'm sorry if I came across rudely this morning. I didn't understand what you meant when you said you were swamped but only had one appt."
Her: �Why couldn�t you have said that this morning when I got upset about it?�
The conversation devolves into silence. She asks what we should do? I reply, �The best thing we could do is for me to apologize for being rude (which I just did) and you to apologize for being so offended like �I�m sorry too for being so offended or overreacting or getting angry because I know you weren�t trying to be mean.� That�s all. But nope. She replies �I am NOT going to apologize for being offended. You were the one being rude �blah blah blah.� It�s obvious we are getting nowhere so we agree to table it for after work. No ownership from her. Just her demands on me to take 100% responsibility.
On top of all that I also have had 2 women crying in my office in the last 4 days adding to and overwhelming my emotional capacity. I think of myself as a fairly enlightened male and I understand the inner workings of female�s emotional worlds thanks to lots of reading, Dr. Harley, Mber forums, and For Men Only: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women, Jeff Feldhahn but I have had enough.
I think about it from my view: for instance when I get home from work and I know my wife has been busy working and dinner is not even a thought yet, do I berate her for it? No. I offer to cook, or eat out or pick something up or � Not subject her to condemnation or anger.
Ladies, No offense intended but do you ever step out of your emotions, get a little perspective and say to yourself maybe �I should give my spouse a break for a day or a week?� I just can�t do this anymore. We never have fun anymore, just arguments and who said what and blame and me apologizing and her being unhappy. I don�t even like going home because every interaction is so draining. Help.