Marriage Builders
Posted By: Viscountess Husband wants to leave - 03/15/12 12:44 PM
I'm pretty sure I know what I'll hear.

The last few weekends we've had some issues that DH has escalated into arguments - I haven't engaged, but he's used everything he's had - DJ, SD, AO and he's said he wants out, he doesn't want to be with me.

He doesn't want to change jobs like he's promised me over and over.

I looked at our phone bill this month and he's used a lot of minutes, but I can't access the numbers called until after the bill closes and they issue it. We're supposed to 'talk' tonight about what our long term plans are - moving (back home), changing jobs, school, kids, etc... and I pulled out several passages out of Fall In Love, Stay in Love to read together.

We trade phones, I use his PC, He's not being secritive, but he's on the road 5 days a week. I just went to visit him on the road a few weeks ago and met the crew he works with.

Posted By: SugarCane Re: Husband wants to leave - 03/15/12 04:20 PM
I'm sorry to hear this, HNC.

I take it that you are suspecting an affair and are already monitoring as much as you can.

What reasons does he give for wanting to leave you? What are the "issues" that have escalated into arguments? Do you get the impression that he is picking fights with you simply because he wants to leave?

What reason does he give for not leaving the job as he promised? Being on the road 5 days a week does not leave time for a marriage at all.

Can you have him followed in the regular place he travels to - or is he literally on the road travelling all over the place?
Posted By: MrNiceGuy Re: Husband wants to leave - 03/15/12 04:22 PM
Aww .. hopeful .. I am so sorry. The problem you have (like i do sometimes) is TIME together! Obviously the job is a pressing issue. Is there anyway you can be "on the road" with him?

Just remember .. stay calm .. and do NOT engage in ANY LB's! Bring up your topics as calm as possible ...

I will be praying for you and your hubby to find the time and patience with each other to find the best possible solutions.

MNG
Posted By: Viscountess Re: Husband wants to leave - 03/15/12 06:30 PM
Sugarcane -

I don't know that I suspect an affair, but I don't want to dismiss the possibility.

I have access to -

all of our checking/savings/CC accounts
Phone bill
his car

There's not been anything anywhere to make me suspect him. But, he's got no interest in SF with me and he's picking fights. That says to me we might have a problem.

Last night was over his job and what we're going to do this summer. He wants to move - which is fine, I'm okay with. But, if we move back home I want him home. I have a great job where we are now.

Last weekend was over his sister doing his taxes (we file seperate). I didn't want her to do them and he didn't want to pay to do them. His mom wasn't happy with me doing them.

A couple of weeks ago it was over an accident he and my mom had in my car - they spilled ink all over my seats and my car blanket.

I don't feel like I've LB. I have not had any AOs. He feels I make SD - I don't feel like I make demands. He sees stating my position as making a demand.

He made lots of you always/you never statements last night. He called me stupid, hard headed, all kinds of things. And, he made statements that are not factual about events in the past year.
Posted By: CWMI Re: Husband wants to leave - 03/15/12 06:57 PM
Why do you file separately when there is a benefit to filing together? Why didn't you want his sister to do them?

What do you mean by 'want him home'? To not work?

Why haven't ya'll been using POJA?
Posted By: Viscountess Re: Husband wants to leave - 03/15/12 07:28 PM
Originally Posted by CWMI
Why do you file separately when there is a benefit to filing together? Why didn't you want his sister to do them?

What do you mean by 'want him home'? To not work?

Why haven't ya'll been using POJA?

He wanted to file seperate, said it was better. We are also common law and would have to file joint feds and individual state. He has some deductions from a family business and mileage and I make 3x what he does, but I don't know or understand all of his reasons for filing jointly. I don't have much to do with our finances.

His sister and I don't get along, we never have and I don't want her doing any favors. We had planned for he and I to do them, but his mom didn't want me to do them because 'we might mess them up'. So, SIL who is a SAHM is 'better' able to do them instead of me - who works in AR and did my taxes for my business for *years*.

No, I want him to work a job in town, not be on the road Sunday - Thursday.

We do in most situations. Instead of being willing to negotiate lately he's just picking fights. It's been the past few weeks he's changed.
Posted By: MrNiceGuy Re: Husband wants to leave - 03/15/12 07:38 PM
Have you guys redone your ENQ? possibly he is just in withdrawl? Feels weird that HHH (correct me if i am wrong that your hubby is HHH or not) that he would drop and discontinue the MB principals. Seems like his taker is in full force.

How about sleep? when i am not getting enough sleep, MB falls right out the window and i get all grouchy and distant from everyone. Not on purpose .. it just happens.

See if he would be willing to redo your ENQs ... get a brush up or an up to date perspective on how well your meeting EN's.

MNG
Posted By: CWMI Re: Husband wants to leave - 03/15/12 07:38 PM
Your state does not recognize your marriage?
Posted By: Viscountess Re: Husband wants to leave - 03/15/12 07:44 PM
No, HHH is not my husband. wink

No, our state does and does not. It's been well debated here. We're legally married and if we split I'll have to file divorce.

He's going for a sleep study next week and some other blood work - he says he's sleeping fine.
Posted By: MrNiceGuy Re: Husband wants to leave - 03/15/12 07:48 PM
Ohhh ok sorry... thanks for making that clear. I had an inclination that you were for some reason ... cant remember what made me think that ... My bad.

Have you seen this thread I made a while back? Maybe it can give you some hope? Just a few vids to watch.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2575873#Post2575873
Posted By: CWMI Re: Husband wants to leave - 03/15/12 08:11 PM
Originally Posted by HopefulNC
No, our state does and does not.

It either does or it doesn't, Hopeful. What is your tax status on your state form: married filing separately, or single? How about your fed?
Posted By: Viscountess Re: Husband wants to leave - 03/15/12 08:47 PM
Married filing seperately - the state could kick it back and force us to file single.

We formed our marriage in SC and now live in NC. There are plans to have a wedding ceremony this year, or were, with a marriage license, just to make things easier in the long run.
Posted By: CWMI Re: Husband wants to leave - 03/15/12 09:15 PM
Last January, you posted saying there were plans for legal marriage LAST YEAR. 2011. What happened there?
Posted By: Viscountess Re: Husband wants to leave - 03/15/12 10:35 PM
Time, money, sickness, trying to figure out if we can have kids - if we can then it's more of a priority because our children will be considered illegitimate on their birth certificates if we're not married with a marriage license prior to having children. Last year was really tough with his grandmother being ill and passing away in Pittsburgh from April - August and me going up every weekend for a while to take his mom or bring her back, my roommate passing, us having to deal with moving pretty suddenly, inheriting her cats, just lots of turmoil and we decided to wait.

We're legally married now and it's accepted in most areas. We have full power of attorney for each other, full health care POA, etc... to protect us.

We'll be married before the year is out this year, we're looking at dates and such now.
Posted By: My4Loves Re: Husband wants to leave - 03/15/12 10:59 PM
Was this is first marriage? Any kids? Have you read buyers, renters, and freeloaders?

He may be teetering on freeloader/renter? He may be falling into a freeloader also ...

Actually you both are not even close to being ready to marry ... this is a disaster ... you cannot get a buyer when living together before marriage ... at best you get renter most likely you have more of a freeloader who tries renting because they want you to sacrifice for them after some time.

Read Dr. Harley's book and cut this man loose ... this is a disaster for marriage until you both work on yourselves. Plus he is 37 ... it is hard to change that character.
Posted By: NewEveryDay Re: Husband wants to leave - 03/16/12 02:07 AM
Hopeful, I know you're trying. You don't need to rush into any decisions. If he's arguing all the time, he's in State of Conflict, which is better than State of Withdrawal. When my ex and I were in a similar situation it helped me to say, "I don't talk divorce, I only talk marriage." Don't know if that would help you. What are you doing to not let this drag you down right now - taking care of yourself, doing fun things. Maybe your H will see you having fun and join in. Best wishes, your life will get better regardless of what happens. You can do this!
Posted By: CWMI Re: Husband wants to leave - 03/16/12 05:10 AM
Originally Posted by HopefulNC
We're legally married now and it's accepted in most areas. We have full power of attorney for each other, full health care POA, etc... to protect us.

We'll be married before the year is out this year, we're looking at dates and such now.

Isn't this thread about him wanting to leave you? After all this time, why look at dates and such? If your intention is to be married, go to the courthouse and get er done.

There is something called sister laws or some such, where any mariage recognized in one state must be recognized in another, excluding same-sex marriage thanks to DOMA. If you have a recognized common-law marriage in SC, you are married in NC.

State could not kick back a return for marital status if you have a recognized M/F marriage in ANY state.

You don't really have that, do you? One of the tests of holding out is filing joint returns. You don't do that. Sorry to bring up the debate again, I do remember ( and re-read) the last one.

You are not married, barely live together, and I think your "H" would be fine to be dropped from your insurance if you would just leave him alone and stop pretending like you are married to him. If someone wants to leave you before they even married you, you are better off to just let them go. You are young, and this can be a very good thing for you!
Posted By: Viscountess Re: Husband wants to leave - 03/16/12 01:11 PM
We filed married filing seperately - we are legally married.

It's not just health insurance that he would have to be removed from - everything we have is joint. We would, legally, have to file for divorce, it's not a negotiable point. I've had this conversation a year and a half ago with my attorney here in NC, when I joined here I was ready to leave. And, he wants a wedding in a church, which is fine, but we need to make it a priority and get it done.

We spent a long time talking last night and I think we'll be fine. I have got to quit working so much and put UA time as more of a priority, the lack of time is catching up with us. And, I'm depressed, burnt out, and just nutty at times with my schedule.

We've fallen back into the same old habits that got us into trouble last year. We're both contributing to the issues, but I need to clean up my side of the street and that will make remarkable difference. I'm still pushing him to make decisions instead of truely using POJA. I'm also letting work push me into working when I need to take time and spend it with him. I used to drive out to spend Tuesday nights with him and it's been months since I've done that. I even worked on our Vday trip for hours each day.

DH signed up for classes to get his electrical license last night.

I also told him that threatening to leave is *not* anything you say unless you mean it - it's abusive to make threats like that and it he wants to make those threats he can leave.
Posted By: MrNiceGuy Re: Husband wants to leave - 03/16/12 04:23 PM
How ya feeling today? did ya see my previous posts? Hopefully you got in some UA time and some good conversation that is steering you towards a solution.

Keep your chin up!
Posted By: Viscountess Re: Husband wants to leave - 03/16/12 04:42 PM
Originally Posted by MrNiceGuy
How ya feeling today? did ya see my previous posts? Hopefully you got in some UA time and some good conversation that is steering you towards a solution.

Keep your chin up!

I did, thank you.

We spent quite a bit of time talking last night - probably 3 or 4 hours.

I had no idea that he was unhappy and felt like he did - we need to discuss things before they get to this point.

My response and my behavior is my responsibility and I need to put my marriage as a top priority, instead of work. And, right now work gets more of me than anything else. Our house is a mess, I'm gaining weight, and I've got to make some changes and clean up my side of the street. He said he really doesn't want to leave, but he doesn't want to be pushed into making decisions.

Part of it is that I'm really high energy, planner, and always going. He's much more low key, doesn't plan things as much. We need to learn to utilize both of our strengths, but this creates some frustrations between us.
Posted By: MrNiceGuy Re: Husband wants to leave - 03/16/12 04:47 PM
Originally Posted by HopefulNC
Part of it is that I'm really high energy, planner, and always going. He's much more low key, doesn't plan things as much. We need to learn to utilize both of our strengths, but this creates some frustrations between us.

Thats great that you can see that. Build on each others strengths and support each others weaknesses. Use both to your advantage. If we were all the same then we wouldnt need a partner!.

And you are right (and i have to remind myself sometimes too, actually alot) from that video on the link i posted.

"My response is my responsibility"



Also you said your gaining weight? 80% of weight loss is a lifestyle change in diet. I myself have lost 20lbs since xmas (i am 6'1" and currently 180lbs but was 203lbs right after xmas and most of what i have done is cut carbs and sugars out of my die (except on weekends when i take kids out for a treat or have a few glasses of wine). THen once in a while i hop on the treadmill ... started at 15mins .. and worked my way up to 45 mins at 6mph.

Glad to see your in better spirits.
Posted By: HoldHerHand Re: Husband wants to leave - 03/16/12 05:32 PM
Check that phone record, HiNC.

And no, MNG, this is not mah wife.

My wife posted under the name of NeverGoBack. >.<
Posted By: MrNiceGuy Re: Husband wants to leave - 03/16/12 05:37 PM
Yeah .. she corrected me .. I am not sure what gave me that impression. Sorry for the confusion.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Husband wants to leave - 03/16/12 05:55 PM
When is the plan to be living in the same state?

After you get married?
Posted By: Viscountess Re: Husband wants to leave - 03/16/12 06:01 PM
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
When is the plan to be living in the same state?

After you get married?

We live in the same state now. He has a job where he leaves Sunday and comes home on Wednesday or Thursday. he's all over the Eastern Seaboard.

We're legally married now and have a leased house near my job and a house we own two hours southwest of here. The house we own is home for us and we're planning to move back this summer because he's not happy where we currently are.
Posted By: Viscountess Re: Husband wants to leave - 03/16/12 06:01 PM
HHH I'm going to check it on Monday.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Husband wants to leave - 03/16/12 06:10 PM
You do know what Dr. Harley says about spending nights apart?
Posted By: Viscountess Re: Husband wants to leave - 03/16/12 06:15 PM
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
You do know what Dr. Harley says about spending nights apart?

I do, I do, I do.

That's the biggest stumbling block we have, and we did financial aid stuff last night for him to go back to school - he's going to get his electrical license and plans to quit his job once we're down to one residence. But, he's agreed to plans to come off the road many times and they don't work out for some reason.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Husband wants to leave - 03/16/12 07:36 PM
Originally Posted by HopefulNC
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
You do know what Dr. Harley says about spending nights apart?

I do, I do, I do.

That's the biggest stumbling block we have, and we did financial aid stuff last night for him to go back to school - he's going to get his electrical license and plans to quit his job once we're down to one residence. But, he's agreed to plans to come off the road many times and they don't work out for some reason.

So what's your plan to get over this block? If he won't quit the job and quit being away on nights, it's going to be very tough.

Trust me I know.
Posted By: CWMI Re: Husband wants to leave - 03/16/12 08:20 PM
These are the same problems, the same situations, that you brought here in 2010. When he comes "home", does he come to your house or his? You described his house as unliveable in 2010. Has that changed?

You call it your house, but you said it was his before you, and you have an admittedly questionable marriage.

Are the houses in different states? Is his house in SC and your rental in NC? Where are the horses? Why so many cats? 7 cats is ridiculous on a rental property, but understandable on a farm...
Posted By: My4Loves Re: Husband wants to leave - 03/16/12 11:55 PM
Originally Posted by HopefulNC
I also told him that threatening to leave is *not* anything you say unless you mean it - it's abusive to make threats like that and it he wants to make those threats he can leave.

He shouldn't threaten to divorce ... it is way of telling you at this time something is not working and you are the cause of his unhappiness. Will you please answer my questions ... Is this his first marriage? Does he have any children?

You lies by omission and having to drag the truth out of you are huge redflagredflag ... Please be up front and honest with your situation so we can help you.

Right now I would Plan A ... no nights apart ever ... up UA time to 25+ hours. Your ship is sinking quickly here.
Posted By: Viscountess Re: Husband wants to leave - 03/17/12 12:47 AM
CWMI -

The house in the mountains is in both names. It is a small farm, 11 acres, with two horses in the front yard, and 7 cats. The other house the deed is just in his name, but I've been added to all of the utilities now. It is liveable, it's still in renovation, but we've put a lot of work into it. When he comes home he comes to the mountain house until Friday or Saturday, then we usually go home to the other house for the weekend. Doesn't matter which way I'm headed, they're both home to me. I'm always going home. crazy

The houses are both in NC.

We started out with 2 cats, when my roommate passed she had no family and had 5 cats. We did not want them to go to the shelter and took them. I would like to go down to 3 cats, but he's not enthusiastic about finding homes for them. We would both like to find a home for one horse, but the market is tight and he's an older horse with a bad history.

Aside from the job, we are in a much better place than we were in 2010. We do use POJA, we did get our UA time. This past summer prior to bring the horses home I spent at least a night a week in the hotel with him, if he was within 2 or 3 hours. Sometimes I'd take PTO and fly out to spend a day or so with him, and drive back. I did get baptised (finally!) early last summer. He had his AO under control until recently, we both had our DJ under control. We were consistently meeting each other's needs.

I've mentioned that I can't have kids due to my health. We sought a second opinion and we've been dealing with the Maternal Fetal Medicine doctors and now are going through the Repro unit for all kinds of testing to see why I've had 3 miscarriages. There is a very high risk of complications and a higher risk of death for me than for the average pregnancy due to my health. He wants to wait a year to try to have get pregnant and I want to do it now while I'm in remission. He says I've been slightly obcessive over the baby thing lately and we need to both have jobs in town that are stable, have one residence, etc... prior to trying to get pregnant. Our docs are also encouraging us to do it now because I am in remission and it's much safer for me now. I'm also in transition at work, our building is closing, I've been told I have a job, but there's nothing official.

He told me the night after we signed he lease in the mountains that he hated it here and wanted to move back home. I'm fine with that, but we can't afford to buy out of the lease here and agreed to move at the end of our lease - July 2012. One of my horses is making the move this month, we're starting to move our stuff already. I'm considering keeping my job and commuting (160 miles roundtrip), trying to work from home full time if it's an option with my current company, or looking for something back home. Last night he did agree that we have POJA'ed most everything, I've been honest with him, I've met his needs, and he's done the same in return.

Posted By: Viscountess Re: Husband wants to leave - 03/17/12 12:53 AM
Originally Posted by PrayIncessantly
Originally Posted by HopefulNC
I also told him that threatening to leave is *not* anything you say unless you mean it - it's abusive to make threats like that and it he wants to make those threats he can leave.

He shouldn't threaten to divorce ... it is way of telling you at this time something is not working and you are the cause of his unhappiness. Will you please answer my questions ... Is this his first marriage? Does he have any children?

I'm sorry, I thought I had answered this earlier -

First marriage for him, first relationship at all for me. Together 5 years next month. There are no children. We as a couple have lost 3 in the first trimester.

He told me last night he is unhappy with -

my pushing him to make decisions
My pushing him to agree with me
me working the hours I work

We were looking for him a job in the mountains, but he's unhappy here and we decided to move home. So, we decided he would look for a job back home this summer. The job market is terrible back home, the highest unemployment rates in our state and above the national average. So, he's going back to school this summer, getting his electrical license, and finding a job doing that. We are looking for him a job in that field now as an apprentice, but I cannot get out of my lease in the moutains, so we're stuck with two properties until the end of July. I am looking for a job back home and campaigning at work to be allowed to work from home a few days a week so I can stay with my current job. We agreed I need to cut my OT this summer as well, I'm working consistent 60 hour weeks as a minimum, most weeks it's closer to 70 hours.
Posted By: Viscountess Re: Husband wants to leave - 03/19/12 04:18 PM
The phone records are completely fine. There were two things that increased his minutes -

1 - My work number was not under friends and family, so when he called me at work on his lunch our it was using our anytime minutes.
2 - When we went out of town for Vday his phone was dead and he had to work the first day, so we traded phones. My boss needed me, so I called her from his phone, which I had charged up by then and spent over two hours on the phone with her.

We're still trying to work on the job situation. Something has got to give.

We spent Saturday working on our house, working on our resumes, and then went and bought shingles and a lawn mower through POJA. I got to show off my negotiating skills and got us a great deal on the shingles we really wanted but couldn't afford. laugh
Posted By: holdingontoit Re: Husband wants to leave - 03/19/12 07:53 PM
Do you want to have a happy marriage, or do you just want to moan and groan? It is OK either way. I just moan and groan. Everybody here knows so they don't waste their time responding to my posts.

But figure out what you want. If you want a happy marriage to this guy, then it will require work on both your parts and change on both your parts. Are you willing to work and change? Are you willing to insist he work and change? If so, great, I urge you to follow the advice here at MB and build a satisfying marriage. If not, you can join me in living h3ll. Just don't say I didn't warn you.
Posted By: Viscountess Re: Husband wants to leave - 03/28/12 01:36 AM
If he's not off the road by July 1st I plan to go into plan B. I will plan A my rear off until then.

DH has a class act resume. I spent hours on it and so far, it's generated some interest. He said he doesn't care what he's doing as long as he's home every night.

If he's not home every night the rest of the MB program is irrelevant at this point, IMO. We love each other (or say we do), I am passionate and happy with him, and when I meet his needs he's happy with me. I'm failing meeting his needs because of my job, I'm being difficult, and we're not spending any time together.
Posted By: NewEveryDay Re: Husband wants to leave - 03/28/12 02:17 AM
Hopeful, Plan A isn't being successful at meeting his needs, it's demonstrating a willingness to meet his needs. Plan Aing your tush off will give you a bad last impression. Better to make the best memories you can for both of you.
Posted By: Viscountess Re: Husband wants to leave - 03/28/12 03:03 AM
I thought Plan A was meeting his needs as best I can?

Hopefully he'll get a job and it won't be an issue.
Posted By: Viscountess Re: Husband wants to leave - 04/23/12 04:35 PM
I probably should have this combined with my original thread, but here goes.

We've reread the books and discussed things.

New job or no job he's off the road as of July 31st. We will have one residence then and he's having surgery on the 31st and will be out of work 3 months after his surgery. He will not be going back to his current job. He will put his notice in prior to his surgery if he has not changed jobs. We can make it on my income, it'll be tight, but doable after July 31st.

This is a set in stone date for us and will not be renegotiated.

We're moving over the next 3 months, my commute will suck, but we'll be together every night. I don't know at this point if I'll keep my job long term or change to something closer. I have to maintain my salary or go higher for us to afford him to be home while he heals, which isn't hard in my industry - I took a pay cut to come to this company, my OT brings me back to what I made in the private sector. I have a job interview where I'll be making more next weekend. However, to chagne prior to his surgery I need to make sure our benefits will be in effect by the time of his surgery.

So, in 3 short months we need to move and he'll be off the road.

Now - my hesistation, and I've shared this with him is that we had a very unhealthy relationship when we lived in our other house. I don't want to go back to that. I have different friends and a different lifestyle and I've grown up, but I'm still concerned. I have no contact with a lot of my old friends that were wild/swingers/not friends of marriage and caused us problems. I just worry that things will change when we move back home.
Posted By: Penni4Thoughts Re: Husband wants to leave - 04/23/12 10:53 PM
Good news, Hopeful! I'm rooting for you!

Don't worry about the past, just create a different future.
Posted By: Viscountess Re: Husband wants to leave - 04/23/12 11:46 PM
Thank you!

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