Please tell me if I'm wrong or over reacting but my husbands pornography addiction has left me feeling that there is no hope for our relationship. It started before we were married he would sneak and watch porn on his phone or the computer & masturbate. When I discovered him doing this and told him how it makes me feel he agreed to stop. We were recently married and Things were good or so I thought until I started noticing him taking his phone to the bathroom in the middle of the night after barging in sure enough its porn again. Our sex life is ok although sometimes its hard for me to enjoy because in my mind he's fantasising about the porn stars. I've asked if its a problem with me but he swears its not. I just don't understand why & he has no explanation. I tell him how much it hurts me but I constantly catch him doing it. I don't want a divorce but I don't want to be unhappy. PLEASE HELP!!!

Please tell me if I'm wrong or over reacting but my husbands pornography addiction has left me feeling that there is no hope...I've asked if its a problem with me but he swears its not. I just don't understand why & he has no explanation. I tell him how much it hurts me but I constantly catch him doing it. I don't want a divorce but I don't want to be unhappy. PLEASE HELP!!!

I don't want to start a flame war here but the the reason your husband does this is simply because that's just the way most men are. It's not necessarily men's fault if they automatically like porn so blame God or Mother Nature if you think men should not be the way they are. I understand that many men will make a conscious effort to avoid porn simply because their wife doesn't approve of it and/or they think it's wrong so maybe that's why some marriage counselors think the best solution is for men to just stop doing this if it makes their wives upset because it usually doesn't take much to get them to promise to stop (whether they ever really do or not). I'm not saying you should just accept it and feel good about it but I wouldn't take it personally because it doesn't necessarily have anything to do with you from his perspective; it is mostly just a strong natural compulsion to do something that makes him feel better at least for a few minutes.

[I'm not saying you should just accept it and feel good about it but I wouldn't take it personally because it doesn't necessarily have anything to do with you from his perspective; it is mostly just a strong natural compulsion to do something that makes him feel better at least for a few minutes.

It's not necessarily men's fault if they automatically like porn so blame God or Mother Nature if you think men should not be the way they are.

Hey .. great thread.

I used to have a porn addiction ... i feel that my use of it was directly related to the condition of my marriage. WHich (at the time) was absolutley horrible .. and the less my EN were met ... and the more i fought with my wife and the higher the stress levels were .. the more i turned to porn for gratification to relief my stress. Afterwards i would feel absolutly horrible for doing it and the result was even more frusteration. Its a HORRIBLE and VICIOUS cycle.

I am prooud to say I am porn free for darn nearly a year now.

Those are some GREAT questions. Let me shed some light on them for you.

You asked.. "What was it about the experience that made you feel awful?"

It was much like the "high" people talk about here when someone has an affair. The visual stimulation feels great... in the moment while your high on it .. but when your done with it the after effects leave you feeling depressed and even more empty than before. My excuse was the porn would tide me over til my wife desired me becasue of the rejection or her lack or participation but in the end I felt degraded, and disgusting..

I felt depressed from the lack of connection I wanted with my wife.

I felt like I had betrayed my wife.

I felt lonely and sad, because it was an experience I was not having with my wife that I SOO badly wanted.

I felt embarassed and guilty about my sexual needs like there was something wrong with me.

I felt weak for not having any will power to be able to control my urges or express them to my wife without fear of rejection.

Then I would tell my self after wards each time "This was the LAST time" But for some reason it never was and i hated myself for that. But would often find myself, especially after a week or 2 of tough times with my wife and no need meeting or not of the quality i desired, back at it again and then all those feelings above along with the feeling of worthlessness would kick in. BUT it always felt justified and normal at first! IT was always after the fact that the other feelings kicked in. NEVER During or before... only after.

This would set my mood off and I would be insensitive towards my wife and kids that day if i used porn. I would be feeling resentment towards my wife, because I blamed her for my porn use due to unmet needs. I would be filled with shame because I was not able to stop and because I knew it was wrong but I would always justifiy it because my wife would tell me over and over to stop pressuring her and to let things happen naturally on their own (but my emotional needs would scream at me every few days, where my wife could happily wait weeks). AND SO I also blamed god that my sexual needs were so strong as i tried to pray them away.

This cycle of disconnect created a sexual aversion in my wife for the longest time that fueled the porn to continue. However .. I knew that if I could curb my thoughts and desires long enough and get my wife on board with MB .. that we could turn it all around. And we are 100x better now than when I was engulfed in this disgusting behavior.

You asked ... "When a man doesn't connect to his wife how does he feel?"

I feel insecure .. I feel lonely .. I feel like a pay cheque. I feel unimportant to my wife. I feel unloved.

You asked ... "Does he just compartmentalize it or does it cause him to internally turn to stone?"

It gets compartmentalized at first .. it gets put into a "its no big deal box" but when the other factors come into play the "no big deal box" gets overfilled and the porn spills out of the box first before everything else does that ends up in there. I would only turn to stone internally when I didnt feel safe to talk about it .. or had a solution that i felt would be win win so it would get stuffed back into the "no big deal box" as often as I could .. but it would always pop back out again as if it was saying .. "HEY YOU BETTER DEAL WITH ME OR THERE WILL BE TROUBLE!" and there always was .. one way or another.

Wow ... I said all that? Sorry if i repeated myself a bit. Kinda good to get out. I am SOOO greatful for marriage builders and my AMAZING WIFE! Hopefully this sheds some light on it ... infact it even helps me. No one has ever asked those questions. They are loaded ones thats for sure.

MNG

It's not necessarily women's fault if they automatically feel awful when their husband uses porn, so blame God or Mother Nature if you think women should not be the way they are...Also, do those women a favor and let them know if you do this so they can decide if they want to endure that kind of hell or not.

Grimreaper,

Have you read what Dr. Harley says about porn and the contrast effect?

I'd be opposed to a particular husband viewing pornography if there was absolutely nothing wrong with it except that it made his wife feel uncomfortable. Any violation of the Policy of Joint Agreement should be avoided. But there are reasons to avoid it, even when a wife enthusiastically agrees to it. One of the most important is known as the "contrast effect."...If you compare one sexual experience with another, the more stimulating experience will make the less stimulating experience seem boring in comparison. If you compare one naked woman with another, the one who's more physically attractive will make the less physically attractive woman appear to be unattractive. That's why I caution men to avoid pornography because it's unfair to his wife to be compared to an 18-year-old girl who has been specially selected for her physical assets...Wanting to view pornography, and enjoying it when they do, is normal for men, and not usually a sexual addiction. But most wives do not, and should not, accept it. I feel that it greatly diminishes the value and purpose of marital sex.

Also, how fair is it for wives to compare their husbands to fictional characters in romance novels, soap operas, or romantic comedies?

[

Maybe some people have an especially hard time distinguishing fantasy from reality but based on this description I don't think I have ever experienced this contrast effect.

I agree that it's not very realistic to expect women to openly accept porn and be completely happy about it and I know that you can't always control or change the way you feel.

However, I see many women's feelings about porn as somewhat less of a biological given than men automatically liking it and more of a knee-jerk reaction to something they didn't expect to happen

1. "My husband is a sick pervert with something seriously wrong with him."
2. "I don't look like those girls so my husband must not be very attracted to me or he wouldn't be doing this."

3. "I can't trust my husband anymore because he lied to me about this and promised he wouldn't do this again."

I'm not saying you should just accept it and feel good about it but I wouldn't take it personally because it doesn't necessarily have anything to do with you from his perspective; it is mostly just a strong natural compulsion to do something that makes him feel better at least for a few minutes.

Stranger, you are not overreacting. Your feelings are spot-on. His porn use is destroying your marriage, and it must stop.

Please tell me if I'm wrong or over reacting but my husbands pornography addiction has left me feeling that there is no hope for our relationship.

Just curious how others feel about a porn addiction vs. an affair in how they compare in terms of betrayal? Is it essentially the same thing in terms of betrayal for you? Is one betrayal worse than the other? If so why?

Yes many feel that porn addiction is equivalent.

Have you listened to these radio clips of what Dr. Harley has to say?

Radio clip on porn
Radio clip on porn #2

I'm reminded of an interview with Ted Danson, the actor, that I read years ago. He was a recovering alcoholic, and said that "anything" that takes you away from your loved ones and disrupts your married life is an addiction. He wasn't unfaithful to his wife with another woman; he was unfaithful to his wife and family because he was committed to his addiction of alcohol.

Infidelity is infidelity.

I definitely don't disagree with that at all. I'm not excusing or justifying, rather putting things in their proper context. Having a video game addiction can be harmful to a relationship too, but it doesn't compare to an affair.

Please tell me if I'm wrong or over reacting but my husbands pornography addiction has left me feeling that there is no hope for our relationship...
When I discovered him doing this and told him how it makes me feel he agreed to stop.
... Our sex life is ok although sometimes its hard for me to enjoy because in my mind he's fantasising about the porn stars.
...I've asked if its a problem with me but he swears its not.
... I don't want a divorce but I don't want to be unhappy. PLEASE HELP!!!

I think you have to use an software which will help you to monit his internet activity. I know that parental control applications are for best for protect your kids (in my home we have PCWebControl) but I'm pretty sure it'll be also good for your husband.