1. Do not negotiate when he is angry
2. Do not put up with his attempts to control
3. Attempt to present him with a plan using FILSIL
4. Introduce POJA, and why it benefits him
5. Confront him about his angry outbursts, and insist that they stop
6. If he is unable to stop his angry outbursts, insist that he must seek professional help
7. Do not hesitate to call 911 when he has an Angry Outburst
8. If domestic violence has occurred, separate
9. If violence has occurred, file a criminal report for assault
10. If he is unwilling to control his anger, separate
11. Once he's out, keep him out. Change the locks and file a restraining order if necessary.
12. Tell your friends and family about his abuse
13. Understand that him agreeing to change is only the first step
14. Understand that being separated for a year is a real possibility.
15. Do not let him come home until he has taken anger management and has learned to control himself

Angry Outbursts is the most destructive of the five Love Busters and Disrespectful Judgments comes a close second. What is happening to your marriage is that your husband's anger, not his depression, is destroying your love for him, and with it goes any sexual desire you may have had. I'm sure you are doing your best to try to control your reactions, but your emotions will dominate you, as they should in your situation.

Abusive behavior usually begins when a couple tries to resolve a conflict the wrong way. Instead of finding a solution that meets the conditions of the Policy of Joint Agreement (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse), an effort is made by one spouse to force a solution on the other. Resistance to the proposal is matched by increasing force until the spouse browbeats the other into submission. Every fight is an example of abuse because it uses the tactic of emotional or physical force to resolve a conflict instead of respect and thoughtfulness.

...

Of course, demands, disrespect and anger don't really get the job done. You generally don't do things for your spouse because of these Love Busters -- in fact, you probably do the opposite of what your spouse wants if he or she is demanding, disrespectful or angry. When you do what your spouse needs and wants, you do it out of care and consideration. But if your spouse is demanding, disrespectful and angry, you tend to be less caring and considerate, leading you to do less for your spouse. I want you to have what you need in your marriage, but demands, disrespect and anger will not get it for you. They will prevent you from having what you want if you revert to these destructive instincts.

The attempt of one spouse to control another is a short-sighted solution to marital conflict that backfires every time.

Your husband probably loves you more than you can ever imagine. While it's true that his demanding and controlling tendencies are driving you nuts, he does it because he has no reason not to do it. It works for him, so why should he stop? Besides, he probably doesn't think he's at all controlling. He probably thinks he is protecting you.

You probably have put up with his controlling ways over the years because you felt that if you left him, you might not survive. So you have allowed all the love units to be drained from your Love Bank until there are none left. If you wait much longer, he'll be so far in the red that you'll hate the man.

I know you have tried to tell him how you feel in the past, and he doesn't seem to listen. But I suggest you do it one more time. This time go to him with a plan.

You mentioned that you gave him a self-help book once before, and his enthusiasm with the chapter on sex turned you off. Well, my book, Fall in Love, Stay in Love, also emphasizes sex, but it's in the context of a host of other factors that come together to make sex very appealing. The book will help you learn to negotiate without being demanding or selfish. I show you how to make decisions without trying to control each other. It also shows you how to overcome Love Busters, such as selfish demands, disrespectful judgments, and angry outbursts. These destructive habits have just about ended your marriage, but if you can eliminate them now, you may be able to save it.

And, it also explains how time for undivided attention with affection and intimate conversation is a prerequisite for sexual fulfillment -- especially for women. By the time you have learned to negotiate with ease, have overcome Love Busters, and have created a romantic relationship, you won't need any help with sexual fulfillment.

You are making decisions
that don't take her feelings into account

This is far and away the most common reason that women feel they are being controlled by their husbands, and the most likely reason your wife is upset with you. I've offered two other possibilities to you, but this is the most likely candidate. Your wife probably isn't paranoid, and she probably doesn't expect to do anything she pleases without regard for your feelings.

Instead, she has probably spent years trying to adjust to doing things your way. Whenever she tells you how she feels, you may often treat her suggestions with contempt or you may ignore them altogether. She may have finally come to a point where she simply cannot live under your dictatorship one second longer, and her counselor has given her permission to express the depth of her resentment to you.

If that's the reason your wife feels you've controlled her, The Policy of Joint Agreement will solve your problem. You must promise her that from this day forward you will not even brush your teeth unless it meets with her enthusiastic agreement. Express your willingness to completely change your lifestyle together so that she can enjoy it with you. Make her an equal partner in your marriage so that she can live a life full of hope for the future.

I would look him right in the eye and say to him, "Listen Buster, do you love me? Do you care at all about how I feel? If you do, you sure have a funny way of showing it! I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you. But it sure will be unpleasant for both of us if you keep treating me this way. You are not doing things that I admire, you're doing things that I find disgusting!"

If he says, "Fine, then lets just get a divorce and end it all."

To that I would say, "It's up to you. I married you for life, but if you want a divorce, it's your call. If you want to be in a love relationship with me, however, you're going to have to treat me much better than you have been treating me. From this moment on you will never again bring up my affair, and if you are upset with me, you will have to treat me with respect until we can solve the problem. I will agree to do the same with you. If you are upset with our sexual relationship, I want us to discuss it as adults and solve it with mutual respect. I refuse to be treated like this, even by the man I love."

It may take him a while to digest what you say, and he may leave in a huff. But once it sinks in, he will probably agree with you that at least some of the problem is his.

When you want to talk to your husband about something that's bothering you, he gets angry with you. It's a serious problem, indeed, because when you ask for his help, you're already feeling bad. But when his response to your appeal for help is anger, you're devastated.

Whatever the cause of his anger, I'm sure it has something to do with you being unhappy, and he feeling responsible for fixing it.

The solution is to tell him that whenever you are unhappy, you want him to help you, but the way he can help you the most is to avoid getting angry or frustrated. He may deny being angry, so you may have to call it "frustration."

In a sense, the solution is simple. But its implementation may be quite difficult if he has a serious problem controlling his temper. In that case, he should seek professional help.

Domestic violence is not as common as people think. Most of the troubled couples I've counseled have never experienced domestic violence and most couples, in general, go through life without having had a single physical altercation. If your spouse has ever hit you, or if you have ever hit your spouse, you're in a tragic and dangerous minority. But as uncommon as the problem is, whenever it occurs, people are shocked and confused as to what to do about it. My perspective as a professional who has counseled hundreds of violent clients is that these couple should be separated until there is assurance of safety. In many cases that assurance can never be given.

If you have ever hit your spouse, you are a perpetrator of domestic violence and need to take extraordinary steps to protect your spouse from yourself. Most violent spouses are deeply remorseful after sending their husbands or wives to the hospital, and sometimes to their death. But remorse does not make up for the mistake. Violence is one of those mistakes in life that you cannot ever afford to make, and if you've done it once, you're likely to do it again.

I believe that everyone who is ever hit by a spouse should file a criminal report for assault. They should also tell all their friends and family about it. Those who are able to control their tempers, control it pretty quickly when they are faced with incarceration and public scrutiny.

I'm sure you have a great deal of compassion toward your husband, and you probably still love him, but your love and compassion could get you killed or maimed if you're not careful. I suggest that you move to where you can be surrounded by your friends and family, for emotional support and protection. Moving may make your life even more chaotic at first, losing your job and moving your things at a time that you're pregnant, but in the end, your life will be much more peaceful and secure.

At first, your husband will be very angry with you, and may even file for divorce. While separated, there is even the risk that he may have an affair. But if your marriage has any hope of surviving, he won't divorce you and he won't have an affair. Instead, he will recognize the role he has played in your depression, and he will begin to take the steps that will make him the husband he should have been all along.

If he begs you not to leave him, and you give him another chance, remember that it will take months, if not years, for him to change his habits. He will need careful and persistent monitoring of his conduct, and you must anticipate his resistance to that, especially after you decide to stay. That's why I think a separation that may last a year or more is inevitable. Your husband has a lot to learn, and it will take time to learn it.

He has agreed to make changes in the past, but just agreeing to change is only the first step. Many of the changes he will need to make will take a great deal of effort and persistence. His goal should be providing you a home free of angry outbursts, disrespectful judgments and selfish demands. Until he can guarantee that safe environment for you, you should remain separated. That's because while he is learning new habits, he will make many mistakes. And you cannot afford to be confronted by the predictable mistakes he will make. Wait until he has mastered the lessons of treating you with thoughtfulness and respect before you let him back into the life of you and your girls.

Those of us who deal with physical abuse in marriage (beating a spouse) are faced with the reality that it doesn't start with bloodshed.ﾠ It usually starts in a much more benign form -- "rudeness, insensitivity and thoughtlessness," the terms you use in your letter to describe "minor grounds."ﾠ Almost everyone is tuned into the importance of avoiding the most violent forms of abuse, but by the time it escalates to physical beatings, the abuser is usually out of control.ﾠ Since I want to teach spouses how to protect each other from commonly accepted forms of abuse, I must help them see that abuse is an escalating process, not a final act.ﾠ If abuse is understood in that way, it can be overcome by stopping it as soon as it starts.

Fights represent a flawed attempt to solve a problem. They begin with a conflict between a husband and wife. Instead of negotiating for a fair resolution, one spouse tries to force a solution onto the other. Anger, disrespect and demands make the effort unsafe and unpleasant. Fights usually make the effort to solve the problem fail.

Whenever a spouse becomes physically abusive, even when it's not even close to being life-threatening, it's time to pack your bags. My standard advice for even the mildest forms of physical abuse is separation until the abuser completes a course in anger management, and takes personal responsibility for all forms of abuse, physical or verbal. If you take that important step in response to his abuse, you send the right message -- you will not tolerate abusive behavior.

Your biggest obstacle will be self-doubt -- wondering if you're doing the right thing. But if you remind yourself that abusive marriages, especially those with even the slightest amount of physical abuse, are so dangerous that they should never be tolerated, you'll have confidence that you must separate. If your husband is given professional help in learning to control his temper, and he proves to you that he can handle frustration intelligently instead of emotionally, you can then live together in peace.

Your husband's angry outbursts demonstrate a fact that I've expressed for years -- it's temporary insanity. You have no idea what he's capable of doing to you when he's angry. When your husband rips off his shirt and hits his head in anger, he's not in control of himself. His safety and yours are at risk.

I commend you for moving out of your home to let your wife return with your girls. That was a very caring and appropriate first step on your part. But now that she is at home, respect her privacy as if it were not your home anymore. Visit your wife only when she has invited you -- do not visit her unannounced. And when you do visit, be sure she is comfortable having you there. In advance of your visit, ask your wife to set a time limit so that she will know when you will be leaving, and stick to it. If she becomes uncomfortable before the time is over, and asks you to leave earlier than planned, leave graciously and immediately.

Right now, your wife has very mixed feelings about you. She remembers what it was you did that caused her to leave you, and is still afraid that you will continue to do it. Let her take whatever time she needs to gain her trust in you.

You have taken the first step toward reconciliation by trying to make your wife's life more comfortable, even though you had to move out to make that possible. The next step is to discover what you have been doing that has made her life so miserable. So I would try to get as much information from her as possible about what she considers to be abuse on your part. Whatever she thinks is abuse, learn to stop doing it.

The safer your wife feels, the more likely she will be to invite you back home to live with her again. But don't put pressure on her. Instead, return only when and how she wants you to return.

In most cases like yours, a wife will suggest staying overnight as a first step toward moving back home. And the husband does not necessarily sleep in his own bed with his wife. She often feels more comfortable with him sleeping in another room. If he resists her terms for the one-night stay, it may be quite a while before there is a second invitation. Then after being comfortable with his staying over one night, a weekend stay is tried. Eventually he is back in his own bed with her every night of the week.

But don't give up your alternate home for a while. Even if your wife feels comfortable enough with you to invite you back permanently, if your bad habits begin to return, you should go back to living at work until you can completely guarantee your wife's safety.

It's often hard for a man to accept the idea that he is not free to come and go in his own home. But under these conditions, it's not his home yet. It's only his home again when his wife feels like sharing it with him. Unless a man accepts that reality, reconciliation is much more difficult than it needs to be.

You have come face-to-face with a very important reality about marriage. Even though you and your wife are married, have children and own your home together, you live with your wife by invitation only. That's technically true about all marriages. You don't own her and she doesn't own you. There is a sense in which you are guests of each other throughout life, and you must respect each other if your mutual invitation to live together is to survive.

It will take a while to get rid of your bad habits and replace them with good habits. Knowing what to do, and getting into the habit of doing it, are two entirely different steps. You may already know what you should do, but it may take you three to six months of concerted effort to rid yourself of the habits that drove your wife from your house. And then, when you return to her, you may find some of those bad habits creeping back into your behavior again. Monitor your behavior very carefully so that you can keep Love Busters out of your marriage for the rest of your life. That way your wife will never again feel obligated to leave her own home just to feel safe.

Your example of avoiding abuse, even when your wife is abusive to you, will go a long way toward showing her how spouses should treat each other. At first, she will not see her contribution to creating an abusive marriage, but eventually, as you learn to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement and avoid Love Busters, she will see the importance of doing the same.

Your wife wants you to be home with her and your daughters. But she also wants to feel comfortable with you living there. In most cases like yours, a wife invites her husband back home too soon, before he has had time to prove his ability to protect her from his bad habits. Don't worry about her waiting too long to ask you to return. It's more likely that she will ask you to return before you are ready. So use the time that you are living away from your wife wisely, eliminating the habits that drove her away from you, and mastering the new habits that will make her life more enjoyable. I'm sure that without any encouragement from you at all, you will be living with her again very soon. And when you return, your wife and your daughters will welcome a man who has learned to protect them all from his abusive habits.

It's been my experience that when a guy shows up at the police station, reporting that his wife just hit him, they tend to play down that report.

I'm not saying you shouldn't do it. I'm saying that it's nearly impossible to get the police to take you seriously when you are a husband reporting your wife.

Sorry, I commented on the post that mentioned both angry husbands and wives.

Frankly, I don't think Dr Harley gives angry wives a pass, does he?

Same standard for all spouses, regardless their gender, IIRC.

Same standard for all spouses, regardless their gender, IIRC.

Your husband's angry outbursts demonstrate a fact that I've expressed for years -- it's temporary insanity. You have no idea what he's capable of doing to you when he's angry. When your husband rips off his shirt and hits his head in anger, he's not in control of himself. His safety and yours are at risk.

[quote=Dr. Harley] I've ordered love busters and plan on cleaning up my side of the steet, but we will have to deal with his angry outbursts eventually.

7. Do not hesitate to call 911 when he has an Angry Outburst
8. If domestic violence has occurred, separate
9. If violence has occurred, file a criminal report for assault

Would someone please define "domestic violence"?

For example, if there is physical aggression against objects, walls, pets or children...do those things count or not?

Where does a person draw the line between "physical aggression" and "violence?"

If you have ever hit your spouse, you are a perpetrator of domestic violence and need to take extraordinary steps to protect your spouse from yourself. Most violent spouses are deeply remorseful after sending their husbands or wives to the hospital, and sometimes to their death. But remorse does not make up for the mistake. Violence is one of those mistakes in life that you cannot ever afford to make, and if you've done it once, you're likely to do it again

Thank you BrainHurts. I'm listening now.

Interesting that the wife separated because the husband was pounding objects. He'd never hit her. And Dr. Harley totally supported her leaving for this reason.

Thank you BrainHurts. I'm listening now.

Interesting that the wife separated because the husband was pounding objects. He'd never hit her. And Dr. Harley totally supported her leaving for this reason.

Early on, I came to recognize that angry outbursts are probably the most damaging thing a spouse can do in marriage. I say this in spite of my recognition that infidelity is also a very damaging behavior. But I'm often more optimistic about the recovery of a marriage that has suffered from infidelity than than recovery of a marriage that suffers from angry outbursts. The primary reason that angry outbursts just about eliminate the hope of marital happiness is that even if they are very infrequent, they prevent a couple from solving their problems because the threat always hangs over every conversation. The first guideline for marital negotiation is to make the discussion pleasant and safe, and an angry spouse fails that very first condition, making the rest of it impossible to implement. Angry spouses simply create an environment that makes it impossible to make marital adjustments. That's why I advise couples with multiple problems that include anger to overcome the anger first, and then focus on the rest of the problems later.

Z, it is an excerpt from a post on the private forum:
Dr. Harley on anger (private forum thread)

It is very hard to hear from someone who supposedly loves you and was given chances to redeem himself the following: "you're crazy, that is bizarre what you are saying about that, that never happened that way or it never happened at all, why are you here? and things along that same vein. The last question is the most hurtful because he knows why I came back, to give us another chance. But if one person in a marriage will not change and cannot fathom why he lies, then what to do with that? You cannot sweep the past under the proverbial rug as he would like to do. The rug keeps tripping us and we get into the issues that we never solved. Why he cheated, why he lied about it, why he had an emotional for sure and probable physical affair last summer when we were physically separated and getting divorce mediation and he was sooo darn upset and did not want a divorce. Now denying the relationship was nothing and a blip. A blip he lied about and let me come back home and reunite with him without me knowing the full extent of the relationship with this OW. In our still home.It disgusts me thinking about it. Not a day goes by that I don't think about it.Him denying it was what it was a something, not a nothing, just makes it linger in my mind.He read a piece of Love busters, and went on the JUne 13th radio show with me, and said he would work the program. He uses the Dr. Harley buzzwords like not bring up things of the past, and we must deposit love bank deposits...well Dr. Harley also said to not be disrespectful, and he is being just that by insulting me. I feel he does not have my back and in a marriage you must have one another's backs. I am exhausted. I do not want to move out again. best, Nell