Upon data reception through our senses the amygdala chooses to send data to the limbic system (fight or flight system) or the higher thinking center of the cortex. During anger, the amygdala sends this stimulus to the limbic system which is why 'good' people say in courtrooms, "I don't know, something in me just snapped."

The endocrines, hormones and chemicals that are released in the brain may last 20+ minutes after being hijacked by the amygdala. Since the limbic system is in charge during this time the higher critical thinking skills are shut off or short circuited by all the adrenaline. Trying to resolve an argument by talking it out will be pointless until the chemicals in the brain have time to subside.

Its obvious that all emotions are real chemical-physical changes in the brain but it really helps me understand my wife's biggest love buster. And hopefully have patience.

Much credit to http://lakesideconnect.com

That is a very interesting observation and it fits perfectly with what Dr Harley says when he says that anger makes us temporarily insane. This is why it is so important to learn to avoid anger in marriage.

It is not something that should ever be tolerated, but a condition that is to be overcome.

What is your wife doing to eliminate her angry outbursts?

Is your wife's "biggest love buster" angry outbursts?

If so, she can and should work to stop this response. The solution is not for you to "have patience" but for her to practice until she learns to stop it.

She can control the outburst immediately by simply not saying anything until she has calmed down. She can also learn to control the feeling of "fight or flight" by using relaxation techniques. I know this is not easy to carry out but it is what she needs to do.

A lovebuster is a lovebuster and your "having patience" with it will simply harm her balance in your love bank.

Here is a refined look at anger. I cannot control her or her response of anger to her worldly input. Its just how she is wired. In many senses she cannot control the bio-chemical responses either. Her anger is her emotional reaction to her world.

Angry Outbursts though, that's another story. She can learn to control those and hopefully will because while anger is natural in all of us, Angry Outbursts are huge problems in a marriage, mine for certain, if they continually result from everyday trials.

Sure she can control it. She can retrain the neural pathways in her brain to not even FEEL anger. You really need to listen to Dr Harley as he speaks of this SO OFTEN.


Angry outbursts result from the FEELING OF ANGER. When one FEELS anger, they become temporarily insane and have little control over their angry outbursts. So, the solution is to learn how to NOT FEEL ANGRY at all.

Saying that one can control angry outbursts is like saying one can control crazy behavior when they are drunk. That is unrealistic. Sure, an angry person can control it sometimes, but they won't be able to do it all the time.

Inherent with the feeling of anger is the loss of control because one is temporarily insane.

Melody Lane and MBers,
I presume you have already read that I will be divorced. You were right, her anger was too much for our marriage. The last straw for me was an incident last January at my DD18's football/cheerleading banquet where my wife 1) berated and verbally assaulted both of us after falsely assuming we were late, 2) continued to tell me at the dinner table what a b-i-t-c-h my daughter is WHILE DD was on stage accepting kudos as team captain of the cheer squad!, 3) got into a screaming/swearing match and brief physical altercation with DD later at home 4) the next morning tried to blame me and DD for the problems. All because, as she says it, "I was over-tired."

I started to see the pattern a couple years ago, realized that it didn't matter what I did or didn't do or if I engaged in LBers or not, that her abuse (swearing, name calling, insulting, yelling, etc) was unacceptable. That is why I kept bringing up boundaries in my previous posts here. See Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.

As I stopped participating in this drama and firmly telling her my boundaries (no yelling, no insults, no swearing) she interpreted it as me pulling all of my emotional support out from beneath her feet. I told her many times I am withdrawing from your temper tantrums and will be glad to talk when its calm.

More recently I exposed her on FB after finding pictures of her hanging all over some guy she went on an all day motorcycle ride with. Obviously that caused a storm of fury, I locked myself in the bathroom, she tried to kick in the door, I called police, she was arrested. Even yesterday she said that the person that was out of control that night was ME! An explosive start to divorce.

Though the future looks much calmer I am sad. I did my best.

Yours truly,
former MBer superhero

I am sad that you never chose to use the Marriage Builders program. Not that this was any guarantee, but it would have greatly increased your odds of saving your marriage.

I am sorry your marriage didn't make it.