I was just coming to ask the same question. I have seen the articles linked, and I'll read them again, but what do you suggest for a spouse (husband, which Dr. Harley does not address) that is in the withdrawal stage, is about walk out on the marriage and doesn't think it's worth it? Will the same strategies work or is there something else to try?

What are the problems in the marriage?

I'm finding out that I did a lot of love busting and not meeting H emotional needs. One of his biggest ones is conversation, which I'm not big on. My biggest need is affection/sex. Since I always got what I needed I didn't see any problem until it was too late. Yes, he'd tell me he wanted me to talk to him more, but I had no idea what to say and eventually things would go back to "normal". So I figured everything was okay, when it wasn't. the only thing that really opened my eyes was when he stopped the affection/sex. Now I'm studying Lovebusters, His needs, Her needs and i have the 5 steps to romantic love (all borrowed from the library though). But he's about ready to give up, is not sure he wants to stay married and is not interested in counseling or reading the books with me (i do want to mention here that he never was interested in counseling, i have suggested it when he said one other time he wanted a divorce.)

I hope this didn't get too long. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

How long married? Any kids?

16 & 4

Has he told you he loves you but is not in love with you?

No. What he actually said was that he doesn't love me at all and he' not sure he's ever loved me.

I would first check to see if he is having an affair. The fact that he told you he is not in love is an indicator that he has a new point of comparison. Can you think of anyone in his life he is interested in?

I thought of that as well and looked into it. I'm 99% sure he's not.

What methods did you use?

With the information I have available to me right now, i can say for certain that he's not having an affair. In my previous post I say 99% because I know it's possible that I don't have all the information.

Also, I didn't mean to highjack this thread. Hopefully the original poster got some answers to their question as well.

You didn't answer the question.

I love the name, by the way! One of my pet peeves around here is everybody picking names that sound just alike, so I can't tell them apart. "Hopeful" and "Phoenix" being two of the top picks. Surprisingly, I've never seen anyone simply named "Anonymous."

I suggest you start a new thread for your situation, and get the help you need.

Don't skip the step of affair proofing the marriage. It is mandatory. We've seen posters insist there was no affair and want to move on to step 2 and go straight into disaster, frequently.

Anonymous93, I have made a thread just for you. If you would like me to change your title, please hit mod notify and I will change it. Thank you, Fireproof

It's perfect, thanks!

I didn't want to answer the question because I knew the method I used wouldn't be approved. I asked him, twice. Both times he denied it. There were explanations involved, both times and I believe him. He's never lied to me and he hasn't given me any reason to doubt what he says.

So, if it makes everyone feel better, what steps should I take to affair proof my marriage? What response would you give me assuming he is having an affair?

Now humor me and let's assume he's not having an affair. What steps can i take to encourage him to stay in the marriage and try to make it work?

My wife denied having an affair. Then, when I had evidence in hand, she continued to deny the affair.

You cannot trust him to be honest about this, even if he's never lied a day in his life. A person in an affair is nothing like the person before they were involved in adultery.

You should be checking his phone, check phone records, have a keylogger in the computer, and put a Voice Activated Recorder in his car.

Let's start with an easy one; are there any holes in his daily schedule which would allow him to have a secret second life?

In my case, there wasn't... so my wife was having sex with the OM in a storage unit on their 30 minute lunch breaks at work.

This is how serious it is, and you MUST do the digging to confirm.

Your husband may not lie, but people who are in affairs always lie. So the fact that you asked him and he said no is meaningless. If he is in an affair he will lie. I am sorry.


It would be completely different from what we would tell you if he was not.


There is nothing you can do to encourage him if he is having an affair. First rule out an affair by snooping and then we can help you. Otherwise you are asking us to help you push a car up the hill with the parking brake on.

I will tell you that a spouse that says he is not in love anymore and wants a divorce/separation is very likely in an affair. It means he has a new point of comparison.

We can only give good advice if it is based on the correct set of facts.

Yes, actually there are lots of holes. We share a pay as you go phone, he could be deleting calls made/received though.

I work, but come home for lunch. He works from home.

Computers? He has his and I have mine and they're password protected. I don't have access to anything he does online.

So, there are lots of holes and by that account how could I think he's NOT having an affair?

At this point I'm choosing to believe him, knowing at the same time that I could be believing a lie. However, I will say that after laying it all out like this, I will talk to him about it. (when i do, it will be at that time i get access to his computer, not sometime in the future giving him time to delete stuff.)

Talking to him will defeat the purpose entirely. That will only put him on guard. The best thing to do is snoop and find out on your own.

So now that we've assumed he's having an affair, can we assume he's not having an affair? (i promise i won't ignore everything that was discussed here)

What steps can I take to draw him back into our marriage and fix the damage I've done?

Go rule out an affair and then we can give you quality advice based on the facts. That way, you aren't spinning your wheels and neither are we!

Let me put this another way. None of the advice would be of any effect if he is in an affair. It would be a waste of your time and ours. IT would be like treating you for a cold, when you actually have cancer.

It is critically important that you take quick action if there is an affair. This is why it is so important to find out if there is an affair.

Put this on his computer and wait.
Keylogger Programs

In the mean time, no love busting and be the best wife as your gathering your Intel.

Do not confront him and do not tell him about MB.

You're Mrs. James Bond.

Listen to Mel.

What do we have to say to convince you that this is a mistake? What do we have to say to convince you that this mistake may cost you your marriage?

If you would like to know what advice Dr. Harley gives in non-affair situations, you are more than welcome to read through the main website. But you are asking how to refurbish the dining room table when the kitchen may be on fire.

Get a keylogger onto his computer, and a GPS in his car.

"Quick" is right. Time is of the essence, and if you spend the next three weeks learning about what to do AFTER an affair, your time will be wasted, and your marriage may well be lost.

Okay, you asked him.

You know Anonymous, I asked my son this morning if he stole a cereal bar out of the cupboard. He said no. He lied. The consequence was a stern talking to. Your H's consequences for admitting an affair could be divorce, alimony, court, screaming, etc. He has a LOT to gain by lying to you. If a toddler has something to gain by lying about a cereal bar, an adult man has a lot more to "gain" by lying about infidelity.

People here will be willing to believe him if you can provide real evidence that they are wrong, and will be happy to advise you further. But there is no humouring here, that is saved for programs that are all fluff. People here mean business.

Are you serious about finding out the truth and fixing it? If you are, you are in the right place. But don't throw away excellent resources (the posters here who have recovered their marriages) because you think you know better. You are the one in a marriage that is failing, you are not qualified to tell what makes a marriage successful. In time, after recover, yes - but not right now. And neither were many of these posters, until well after recovery.

"I never loved you" is NEVER uttered by a non-wayward spouse who is unhappy in their marriage, btw. It is "I loved you, why have you changed [alcoholism, anger outbursts, etc]". Non-wayward spouses remember the good, miss the good, love the good, want it back. Wayward spouses re-write history.

Can't do the keylogger, I don't have access to his computer.

He's been asking for space and I offered for him to have a week or two away (in a hotel or stay with friends) and it looks like he's going to take me up on that offer. I don't expect he'll take his desktop computer with him (if he does I'll assume he's having an affair and go from there ). I'm looking into how to "break into" his computer while he's gone and I'll see what I can find out.

If I get in, does that keylogger work on a Mac? And if anyone has tips on breaking into a password protected Mac that would be appreciated. (i'll start a new thread in the other forum for that question)

Anonymous, I don't know (from my lightening-quick read of your thread) why your H is away, but my own experience with a travelling spouse is that this is the time that he is with OW, if there is one.

I BEG you to go online and find a PI for the area that he has travelled to, and hire them. If he is with OW, that is all the evidence you will need, and it wil be worth every penny you spend. I'm sure you can upload a photo of him and do everything online, from a distance. We had someone here who hired a PI in Hungary when she was in Ireland.

If you miss this opportunity and you can't crack the Mac, you will be living in hell for longer than necessary. Please do this. It took me a long time to recover from my near nervous breakdown caused by my H's affair which he hid while travelling, and the several D Days I went through because I could not prove anything until after various facts came to light. I don't want you to go through what I did.

I just re-read the post above. He is not away yet?

He is asking for "space" to be with OW. Don't give him your blessing for him to go and have unlimited sex with her. You could hire a PI right there where you live and he/she will find out what's going on in a few days. Please do it.

I don't think he's having a PA. If everyone here is right and he's having an affair it's going to be an EA. (to verify this I can easily check the mileage on the vehicle that he would drive if he were to leave the house, and I'll do that for the rest of the week). The EA would only be discoverable on his computer. I can't hack it when he's at home (which is all the time). So, unless someone has a better idea, I think him leaving is for the the best.

Please explain why you say this.

Just posting to let the OP know i may have found a solution to her question in the operation investigate forum.

p.s. haha .. now i know how to get around passwords for both mac AND pc! Thanks for asking that question it was a great learning experience.

MNG

We know absolutely no one in the area. We've been her for two years. We don't go to church or out anywhere. He has no hobbies that take him out of the house. If he met someone local, he met them first online. So he could be having a PA. But there will be evidence of it on his computer.

Asking for space is another classic sign of an affair. Why else would a person need "space" if not to have no interference with his affair? There is no other rational reason. Just think about it, if your marriage is broken, one can't very well fix if he is not there. But your husband is not interested in fixing it because he has someone else.

But don't take our word for it. Hire a PI and you will quickly find out. And no, it is not an EA. Men don't leave their wives for EAs.

By agreeing to give him "space" you are facilitating his affair.

Your husband has a lover. He probably met her online and then met in person.

Again, don't take my word for it. Hire the PI, do some sleuthing yourself. You will see. I am sorry.

So you are home with him 24/7?

And how would leaving to have an affair be "for the best?" It would be the "best" for the affair but nothing else. A separation makes it much harder to fix your marriage.