Hi all. I am in need of some guidance. I have been married for 12 years and have 2 great kids. I love my husband very much and I know he loves us, too. From day one he has had no patience..especially with the kids. No matter what they say or do, if he doesn't like it he fusses at them to stop. I am constantly trying to mediate the situation and ask him to let them talk or not talk to them in that tone. This has been an ongoing problem and its slowly wearing me down. I have had a heart to heart with him about this multiple times and each time he acts like he's had an epiphany and will never do it again. But always does. I can't take it anymore. I asked him last night to find somewhere to stay for awhile but he's still here. To me, he's not taking me seriously and doesn't care about saving our marriage. I'm beginning to resent him for his lack of effort.
Our oldest is 11 and he doesn't really like his dad because he "always fusses at him and he gets tired of hearing it". For example, homework help always turns into arguments between he and my son. followed by my son crying. He's a great father otherwise. When he's not fussing he's great to be around. But we can't get in the car and go 10 miles without some kind of negativity from my husband about the amount of noise the kids are making, etc.
I've tried antidepressants and I can't handle all the side effects because my body never gets rid of the effects. He brings us all down and makes every situation worse. He is on an antidepressant but it doesn't seem to be working.
My question is how much more am I suppose to take? At what point do I just throw in the towel since he's not trying? I want to save my marriage but he will not seek any kind of counseling whatsoever.

Welcome to MB.

Have you read these?
Caring for Children Means Caring for Each Other
A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts

Yes. Thank you.

Are the problems only surrounding the children? I have four kids, and it takes a constant effort to stay on the same page parenting-wise. Have you two sat down and discussed what is and is not appropriate behavior for the children? And agreed on it?

That sounds like what the problem is. He wants a bit less chaos, and you want the children to be able to do whatever they want. Is that correct?

We have sat down and had multiple conversations about right and wrong behavior for the kids because, I agree, it's important for us both to be on the same page.
Our kids are not 'wild' so there's not much chaos. They are just typical kids they like to laugh and bicker with each other. And instead of saying calmly, "please don't argue with each other" or "I understand you're having trouble in math. Let's sit down and see what we can do to help you understand", he uses every situation to belittle one or both or just goes to the extreme.
He never takes it as a chance to teach them anything. "Shut up!" "This is why I hate coming home, because the two of you are always whining".

I just don't see the need to talk to you kids like that. It changes who they are going to be and hurts their self esteem.

Have you tried POJA?

Have you seen these?
How to Raise Children #1
How to Raise Children #2

Gotcha. My H has improved greatly in how he deals with the children (he once thought sarcasm was an effective discipline tool...with a five year old...and would just go off over the slightest infraction like a single crumb in the living room), and what it took for him was to be conscious of just how much he despised how he was raised, and how he was carrying it on to his own kids. Gaining distance from his father helped with that, too.

MB does not promote going back into a person's childhood, though, and rather demands that people act like adults. If your H is opposed to counseling, then you have come to the right place because MB is not counseling, but coaching. Have you brought up MB to your H? I would ask him to read the basic concepts and give you feedback on what he thinks of it, i.e. good idea, bad idea? Agree or disagree that they lay out a solid plan for how marriage should be? If he disagrees with something, why?

I don't know if your H is anything like mine, but I found an effective way to encourage him to read the materials was to put them in the bathroom and remove all other reading material.

Since you've already asked him to leave, he knows this is serious, right?

Lovemyfamily,

The problem I see here is that your husband needs to learn to control his anger. It turns out Marriage Builders is a great place to do that -- Dr. Harley forced himself to learn to control his temper years ago, and when he was in active practice running a chain of mental health clinics, he helped a lot of seriously angry people learn to do so.

I would keep up letting your husband know that anger towards the children is not acceptable, and if he agrees but fails to keep the agreement, I would insist that he needs to seek effective professional help if he wants to continue to live with you and the children.

There are dozens of Q&A columns and articles on this site that provide helpful advice for learning to control anger, and Dr. Harley talks about it on his free radio show very regularly. I would get your husband involved in this Marriage Builders program -- one of its aims is to reach men who would never want to talk to a counselor.