My husband is a great guy. He has never given me any reason to doubt his faithfulness. And I don't. I just wanted to put that out there so you know that is not an issue I'm having. Everyone else I have tried to talk to about this says that I have to be worried about it. Or that I am jealous and that stems from the worry that he will cheat. I have had a deep look at what I am feeling and that is not a worry.
My problem is all rolled up into a few things. Little background. My husband has 2 ex-wives, one of which he had children with. We have been married for almost 9 years and have 2 children.
He has always had contact with his first wife (no children) I like her. We have all spent time together and I feel no threat from her other than a bit of jealousy when she looks at him a certain way. But I have no problem dealing with it.
His second ex he has minimal contact with as their children are grown. She is a horrid woman and it was a marriage for all the wrong reasons ended up being just a bad marriage all around which turned into an even worse divorce.
Over the last few years he has been contacted by various women whom he had previously known. Some have admitted to loving him. Some have done the remember when we...but they pretty much stopped all mention of their relationship or feelings once he told them he was married. To tell you the truth most never contacted him again. A few do around the holidays and every once in a while a small email containing "how you been?" shows up.
Mostly I dealt well with each of those with just a bit of jealousy. We are very open with each other and he would explain his relationship with each, which made it very easy to deal with the little jealousy that would pop up. There hasn't been one with whom he had any serious long term feelings for going into the relationship. The ones who professed to loving him came as a surprise, as he was open with them at the time as to what he wanted in the relationship, they never said anything and they parted on friendly terms.
A few days ago another old friend contacted my husband. He has not seen her in almost 20 years. Her first message was to find out if he was the person she thought he was and she gave her email address and asked for his as she didn't check the social networking site she found him on often. He said yes it was him, asked how life had treated her, that he was well and gave her his email address.
Her very next message to him (to the same place) she confessed her love for him. That she knows him to be her soul mate. That she hopes for a relationship with him. That she has carried his picture in her wallet all this time. That her first marriage failed because of the feelings she still had for him. As well as her second marriage. And reminisced about a few things they did together. And how special those times were for her and she hoped to share them again. Then asked how life had treated him and where he was now.
My husband just replied that he was married, had kids and lived in his hometown. Her next message was apologetic for the things she had previously said. Told him she was glad he was happy even though she wishes it was her he was married to. And that she would not speak of their previous relationship or her feelings for him again. He did not reply.
The very next day to his email she sent him a message. She had written a book of poetry that had been published and wanted him to have a copy, since she didn't have his address she just had to send him the pdf version. She wanted him to know there were poems written with him specifically in mind and she hopes he enjoys it. She stated she wished she had been there for all his military deployments to send him off and welcome him home with a kiss. That she is sure he had to sacrifice a lot and that she knows she could have made him happy. She then reminisced about a few things they had done together and asked for an updated picture of him. He has not written back.
I don't know what is different about this woman but she really has my hackles raised. And is making me feel things I had never previously felt. I spoke with my husband about my feelings and his response was that he loved me and only me and no one, no matter what they said would change that.
Great, I was fine. But the last couple days I have been having problems with being the 3rd wife. Things she had said in the last email keep drifting through my mind. I have realized that everything we have done together he has done at least once with someone else. We had talked about this when we first started dating, as I said he is open about who he is and what he wants and that if I couldn't except that he had a past then he didn't want our relationship to go any farther. In all the years since it hasn't bothered me one bit. Now it is.
So knowing what I was feeling I thought that if I found something we could do special together I might have an easier time with these feelings. But everything I thought of it was like; he's already done that. Then I started thinking about the things we have done together and what do you know, he had done those things already too. I know this last friend shattered what I though was something special between my husband and I, and now I found out he had done it with her. I feel like a bad rerun and boring.
So because of our relationship I expressed these feelings to him. He said its different as he is doing these things with me and it is different with each woman. Didn't really make me feel better so I asked him to tell me one thing, didn't care how small, that he has done with me that he hadn't with anyone else.
He stated with me he could be fully himself. I know important that can be. But for some reason it did not make me feel any better. I know my husband, he gives 100% of himself to the person he is with, he doesn't know any other way to be. It has been proven in different ways. So my thoughts were, if he couldn't be himself fully with anyone else shouldn't have there been something he couldn't do with them that he could with me. But he couldn't give me one small thing?
I know how petty and na�ve it all sounds but it is really bothering me. I feel as though there is nothing special about me for him. I know part of my problem is that I have never had any other relationships besides with him. And therefore I don't know, or maybe cant fully understand how doing the exact same thing with a different person can make it different. And to not think; the last time I did this...
Anyone dealt with this kind of thing? Is this something I am just going to have to "get over"?
Serenity,
Hit the Notify button on your next reply and ask the Mods to move this to the Surviving an Affair section.
While your H may not be involved in an A there is certainly a troll with loose boundaries and you and your H need to incorporate some stronger boundaries to protect your M (help calm your nervousness about these trolls).
The people on SAA will be able to give you some sound advice on what to do.
I don't understand your response.
We both know the boundaries we set and are completely open about what is acceptable and what is not with each other if a new situation arises. We also double check if something happens that has not been dealt with in a while. We understand that something that might be ok last year for whatever reason may not be this year. We do not set boundaries based on what is acceptable to others, but what is acceptable to us and each other.
If her loose boundaries could be causing the problem I do not see how second guessing the boundaries we are comfortable with will help me deal with the feelings I have.
MrAlias,
Could you explain or give a link where 'trolls' are defined... how to deal with trolls...etc.
And to Serenity13.....i can identify with some of your story about other women who pop up and act innocent but are really looking to get something going with your H. Does your H see what these women are really up to?
In process of learning about MB and incorporating the truths into my own marriage.
Her next message was apologetic for the things she had previously said. Told him she was glad he was happy even though she wishes it was her he was married to. And that she would not speak of their previous relationship or her feelings for him again. He did not reply.
The very next day to his email she sent him a message. She had written a book of poetry that had been published and wanted him to have a copy, since she didn't have his address she just had to send him the pdf version. She wanted him to know there were poems written with him specifically in mind and she hopes he enjoys it. She stated she ]wished she had been there for all his military deployments to send him off and welcome him home with a kiss. That she is sure he had to sacrifice a lot and that she knows she could have made him happy.She then reminisced about a few things they had done together and asked for an updated picture of him. He has not written back.
I don't know what is different about this woman but she really has my hackles raised. And is making me feel things I had never previously felt.
Serenity. I have no doubt that this woman has raised your hackles. She is blatantly attacking your marriage.
I spoke with my husband about my feelings and his response was that he loved me and only me and no one, no matter what they said would change that.
That is great. Now what is he going to do to protect your marriage from this woman? Is he willing to write a NC letter and block this woman's e-mail address? That would be protecting you and your marriage. Allowing her to continue her communications is dangerous and disrespectful to YOU. Your DH needs to step up here.
I would also keep a copy of her e-mails in a safe place that DH does not know about. You may or may not need them further down the road. You will be glad that you took this step if you do find that you need evidence of her advances.
What has happened to the pdf of cute little love poems?
MrAlias,
Could you explain or give a link where 'trolls' are defined... how to deal with trolls...etc.
And to Serenity13.....i can identify with some of your story about other women who pop up and act innocent but are really looking to get something going with your H. Does your H see what these women are really up to?
In process of learning about MB and incorporating the truths into my own marriage.
As I said the ones I think were actually really looking for a romantic relationship were never heard from again after my husband told them he was married. I don't think he thought it was wrong as they had no idea he was married and immediately backed off once they did know.
The few that do say hello now and again were apologetic and embarrassed that they had said anything before making sure what his marital status was. Then gave my husband the option of contacting them, he asked me and we went from there. They also make it a point to say hi to me as well, and hope that the entire family is well. They don't bother me. My husband tells me every time they write and allows me to either read the email directly or he tells me what it contains. Same with his response back to them.
With this last one, yes, he sees her behavior as inappropriate.
I spoke with my husband about my feelings and his response was that he loved me and only me and no one, no matter what they said would change that.
That is great. Now what is he going to do to protect your marriage from this woman?
Is he willing to write a NC letter and block this woman's e-mail address? That would be protecting you and your marriage. Allowing her to continue her communications is dangerous and disrespectful to YOU. Your DH needs to step up here.
[/quote]
He is more than willing to do those things. We have already spoken about this with each other. He stated that if she did not take the subtle hint he was sending in not replying then he would specifically tell her not to contact him and take the other appropriate measures.
I am not worried about some outside person damaging our relationship, but the feelings this has suddenly created.
I would also keep a copy of her e-mails in a safe place that DH does not know about. You may or may not need them further down the road. You will be glad that you took this step if you do find that you need evidence of her advances.
What has happened to the pdf of cute little love poems?
We do not know what type of poetry it was as it was deleted without either of us reading it. He received the email and read what she wrote. Then asked me to read it. When I indicated I read it he said delete it, and so I did. The pdf was never opened as the only option was to download not read or open in the browser.
And to head off the question that might come next (as it was asked before when I tried to speak with another about the issue I'm having) his email trash can was emptied at the same time so there was no trace of the email or its contents to be opened later when I left the computer. Habit with us to make sure things are well and truly deleted.
Your husband loves attention from women, and he's walking a tightrope.
Eventually, one of them is going to push him off the rope, and it's off to affair land.
His constant interaction with other women is disrespectful to your marriage, and disrespectful to you.
Your husband loves attention from women, and he's walking a tightrope.
Eventually, one of them is going to push him off the rope, and it's off to affair land.
His constant interaction with other women is disrespectful to your marriage, and disrespectful to you.
I don't understand how you came to your assumption. This is not an everyday nor all the time thing. And he doesn't actively go out looking for attention, online nor in real life. He can not know these women are looking for him or that they would find him. For every woman that tracks him down there are at least 2 men from his past to find him.
Please explain how you came to your conclusion. If there is something I missed I would like to know.
I am not worried about some outside person damaging our relationship, but the feelings this has suddenly created.
Serenity can you and your DH take 30 minutes to watch this video together?
What every couple needs to knowHave you read this? To answer your question about being a boring re-run.
Basic Concepts
Your husband loves attention from women, and he's walking a tightrope.
Eventually, one of them is going to push him off the rope, and it's off to affair land.
His constant interaction with other women is disrespectful to your marriage, and disrespectful to you.
I don't understand how you came to your assumption. This is not an everyday nor all the time thing. And he doesn't actively go out looking for attention, online nor in real life. He can not know these women are looking for him or that they would find him. For every woman that tracks him down there are at least 2 men from his past to find him.
Please explain how you came to your conclusion. If there is something I missed I would like to know.
1) He still has contact with a woman to whom he was married but had no children.
2) He keeps being "tracked down" by other women, and yet leaves that line open. Also, he responds to these women when they try to communicate with him.
You claim he doesn't actively seek female attention - does he have any female friends from work?
Why did his previous 2 marriages end?
Yes. Why did his marriages end?
If he is still in contact with his XW that he has no children, why did they divorce?
I am not worried about some outside person damaging our relationship, but the feelings this has suddenly created.
Serenity, I am confused about why you are worried about normal feelings.. You perceive the very obvious threat and would be foolish not to recognize it.
It is like playing chicken. When a person plays chicken their instincts tell their emotions to be fearful. When your marriage is threatened by an intruder, you should feel jealous.
"Jealousy is a normal reaction to a threat to marriage. It's not a Love Buster."
"I will leave you with another important point. I've already expressed my conviction that after an affair is over, there should be no contact between a spouse and his or her lover. But there is a related issue that is often ignored. When you marry, neither you nor your spouse should have any contact with any of your previous lovers. Anyone that you've ever loved is a temptation for you, and has the potential of re-igniting your feelings of love."
"Affairs are almost always with friends and co-workers. That's because the people you work with and those you spend leisure time with are usually in the best position to meet your most important emotional needs. But in the world of the internet, total strangers can also meet your emotional needs through chat rooms and e-mail because they meet your need for conversation so effectively. Do you and your spouse talk as much and as deeply as you talk to people on the internet? If not, watch out. As you probably know, an affair through the internet is becoming one of the most dangerous risks of owning a computer."
You rightly recognize the risk and that is a good thing!
I will try and answer all questions as best I can.
About his contact with women.�
Someone asked about women in his work place. �There is one woman at his work. He has little to no contact with her. She works in the office he works in the field. I know her better than he does. As we chat when I pick up his checks and when I pick him up for lunch.
Now about the ones who contact him. They just send a message asking if he is so and so. He tells me he received it or I see it when I check his email. In which case I tell him he received it. He does not respond without my ok. And yes I know this for certain. If I ask him to stop communication with someone in particular he does. No questions asked, but I explain why I requested as I respect him. I think it is important to point out that it is a two way street. He in turn has asked me to cut contact with men before and I have, no questions asked. I think if a person contacts you they deserve a response. No matter who it is or what your response is. It is rude and shows a lack of class and decorum to leave someone hanging after an innocent inquiry. After the initial contact if it is inappropriate then by all means be as rude as you need to be to put them in their place.
These women whom have contacted him do not live in the same state as us. And there is absolutely no way we would run into them. If they were stupid enough to think they could show up, which none of them have our address as that is a boundary set by both my husband and myself. If by some freak chance it did happen, they would meet the business end of my 9mm. Just kidding. They would be told by my husband/myself to if they did not, the police would be called. I am highly sure that is a situation that will never come about.�
Now I thought I stated it but maybe I wasn't clear. �Only maybe 1 or 2 of these women actually had a romantic or sexual relationship with my husband. �Most he met while stationed wherever for the military and they became friends. I know I said their confessions came as a surprise to him and that he never had those feelings for them.
The vibe I am getting from this site is a man can not have a platonic relationship with a woman/her feel more than he does unprovoked. And that I must look at every woman as a threat to my marriage and a possible affair from my husband. That is absurd. People should not live in constant fear of that, that's just horrible.
His exes and their marriages/divorces.
In regards to why he keeps in touch with his first ex. �She had a kid when he married her. They were married for 13/14 years. A few years ago her son died she contacted my husband. We all went to the funeral together. My husband called a few weeks after the funeral (with my permission) to see how she was doing. She wasn't doing well. My husband helped her by listening to her talk about her son and the reminisced about him as a child. And they have just kind of kept in touch. �I think its important to say she and I speak occasionally as well.
As to why he divorced...he was a career soldier. He married ex#1 right after he entered the military. She was a single mother, he wanted a family to come home to. They kind of fell together. He was deployed a lot. When he was around she realized she liked her independence with the occasional visit. He realized he was not romantically in love with her. They mutually decided on a divorce.
Ex#2 he married for the wrong reasons. Turned out not to be the person she had portrayed herself to be but by the time he found out it was to late. He stayed for the sake of the children but it got to bad. So he called it quits and they divorced.
The feelings thing. I am not worried about being jealous, that is natural. Everyone gets jealous for a vast number of reasons. Usually when I feel jealous it leaves as quickly as it reared its ugly head.�
The feelings I am uncomfortable with is what the last lady brought out in me. I can't even explain the actual feeling. But I suddenly dislike the fact that I am his THIRD wife. Not first or second but third pick. That everything we have done together he has already experienced with one of his other wives. �Up until last week I never had a problem with it, never even gave it thought.
I do not mean sexually, I was fully aware when we married that he was not a virgin. I am talking life experiences. Like having kids or buying a house or sharing in his military life or a dozen other things, celebrating mile stone anniversaries. �He has done it all with someone else. I know this is a flaw within myself. But I don't know what it is or how to come to terms. And I didn't want it to possibly grow into something serious that could effect my relationship with my husband in a negative way. �Therefore I went in search of understanding, suggestions and possibly and explication and closure.
I guess I should have just opened with that instead of trying to explain the things that came to mind because of it. I thought telling the reason the feeling started and explaining the entire situation and how I felt about it all would help someone to give me incite into why I might suddenly be feeling this way. Instead all I received is threats of adultery. I have to wonder how anyone gets any help with the other problems when all anyone can focus on is affairs. Even when I said numerous times it was not an issue that was the only thing focused on.�
It's shameful to try and instigate a fear that was not there to begin with. When I give advice the last thing I suggest is an affair. And that is only once all other avenues have been explored as to the possible reason for the behavior.
Thank you for you input, but I do not think I will find the help I need here.
The vibe I am getting from this site is a man can not have a platonic relationship with a woman/her feel more than he does unprovoked. And that I must look at every woman as a threat to my marriage and a possible affair from my husband. That is absurd. People should not live in constant fear of that, that's just horrible.
What is horrible is ignorance of how affairs begin. 50-60% of marriages experience affairs. The vast majority of those, 99%, are not people who are looking for it, but people who had poor boundaries and sort of fell into it. They unwittingly allow people of the opposite sex to meet their needs and before they know it, romantic feelings develop and an affair ensues.
Affairs typically come from 2 sources: former lovers and/or friends of the opposite sex. Affairs typically happen with people who say "I would never do that!! I can be trusted!!" The reason they are the top offenders is because they have poor boundaries. The reason they have poor boundaries is because they do not understand the risk of allowing people outside of marriage to meet their needs. And when one need is met outside of marriage, the others are soon to follow.
Your feelings of jealousy are your instincts warning you that your marriage is at risk. And it is. Your husband maintains sloppy boundaries with women and it would not surprise me if he has an affair some day because of it.
You might want to check this out:
Are "Friends" a Threat to Your Marriage?
Can you tell us the years of his marriages, including yours?
It is rude and shows a lack of class and decorum to leave someone hanging after an innocent inquiry.
Serenity,
We've seen just how innocent these inquiries are now haven't we?
I think it is great that you and your H are very open with each other and that it appears you have full disclosure of all events. It doesn't mean you have all the protections in that your M needs to be safe.
You are here because you are concerned about this latest woman who's trying to forge a way into your H's life. She�s a home wrecker. She has no respect for you. This is what we face in this world today. People with no morals, no boundaries. Everyone is fair game.
It is important you follow your instincts regarding this worry you have. You have every right to ask your H to put in unbreakable boundaries in an attempt to PROTECT YOUR FEELINGS. I like the analogy of playing "chicken". Why would either of you want that?
If some guy were doing to my W what this troll is doing to your H He�d be getting a mouthful and if that didn't work I�d be paying the guy a visit. . And my W would have immediately stopped responding to him and blocked his email address.
�I won�t contact you again�
�Oh but wait here�s some romantic jargon that I wrote with you in mind. But I won�t contact you again.�
Holy crap this gal has some nerve.
MrAlias,
Could you explain or give a link where 'trolls' are defined... how to deal with trolls...etc.
And to Serenity13.....i can identify with some of your story about other women who pop up and act innocent but are really looking to get something going with your H. Does your H see what these women are really up to?
In process of learning about MB and incorporating the truths into my own marriage.
Wife83,
I don�t know of a link where trolls are defined or how to deal with them. This site teaches us about extraordinary precautions that reduce the risk of affairs.
How you deal with someone who is trying to bust up your home is the same. Extraordinary Precautions. Solid boundaries.
Here is a good start
Can you tell us the years of his marriages, including yours?
1st marriage- 13/14 years- no affairs on either end
2nd marriage- 7/8 years- multiple affairs on her end
Our marriage- almost 9 years- no affairs on either end
Please listen to these radio clips and tell us what you think.
Radio Clip on Opposite Sex Friendships Radio Clip
[/quote] What is horrible is ignorance of how affairs begin. 50-60% of marriages experience affairs. The vast majority of those, 99%, are not people who are looking for it, but people who had poor boundaries and sort of fell into it. They unwittingly allow people of the opposite sex to meet their needs and before they know it, romantic feelings develop and an affair ensues.
Affairs typically come from 2 sources: former lovers and/or friends of the opposite sex. Affairs typically happen with people who say "I would never do that!! I can be trusted!!" The reason they are the top offenders is because they have poor boundaries. The reason they have poor boundaries is because they do not understand the risk of allowing people outside of marriage to meet their needs. And when one need is met outside of marriage, the others are soon to follow.
Your feelings of jealousy are your instincts warning you that your marriage is at risk. And it is. Your husband maintains sloppy boundaries with women and it would not surprise me if he has an affair some day because of it.
You might want to check this out:
Are "Friends" a Threat to Your Marriage? [/quote]
We have all our needs met within each other. We even sat down and took the questionnaire that was suggested. I was not surprised by any of his answers and he was not surprised by mine. We know each other and what we need. For you to suggest either of us getting our needs through a contact of old friends is irritating. But it just shows your ignorance of us and our daily lives and our relationship with one another.
I have said numerous times I am not jealous. Yes, at first I felt jealous of her sweet words but I stated my husband and I spoke about my feelings and I was fine after that. And I have also said there has been no contact with her again. That he did not reply to her. It was later that I started to feel bad about being his 3rd wife. Seriously no jealousy, just sadness that we had not met first. And a bit of irritation that I can not find something to do between us that he has not done with anyone else. Its stupid and a little irritating to me that I feel this way as I am a logical person and know this is not how life goes.
So you were coming on here to discuss how you felt about being the third wife?
You don't need any help with building your marriage?
You're ok with the boundaries in your marriage on both of your sides?
It is rude and shows a lack of class and decorum to leave someone hanging after an innocent inquiry.
Serenity,
We've seen just how innocent these inquiries are now haven't we?
As I said those who turned out to be obviously looking for something more have not been heard from again. One or two did say they had feelings for him way back when. OK. He did not have any feelings for them.I think it is great that you and your H are very open with each other and that it appears you have full disclosure of all events. It doesn't mean you have all the protections in that your M needs to be safe.
Just because what we find acceptable is not acceptable to you, does not mean that our marriage isn't secure.You are here because you are concerned about this latest woman who's trying to forge a way into your H's life. She�s a home wrecker. She has no respect for you. This is what we face in this world today. People with no morals, no boundaries. Everyone is fair game.
No I am here because I am concerned that my feelings changed about being his 3rd wife. If what you all are saying is correct, which I don't think so, then I am jealous of his first 2 wives, no one else. It is important you follow your instincts regarding this worry you have. You have every right to ask your H to put in unbreakable boundaries in an attempt to PROTECT YOUR FEELINGS. I like the analogy of playing "chicken". Why would either of you want that?
If some guy were doing to my W what this troll is doing to your H He�d be getting a mouthful and if that didn't work I�d be paying the guy a visit. . And my W would have immediately stopped responding to him and blocked his email address.
�I won�t contact you again�
�Oh but wait here�s some romantic jargon that I wrote with you in mind. But I won�t contact you again.�
Holy crap this gal has some nerve.
[/quote]And that I must look at every woman as a threat to my marriage and a possible affair from my husband. That is absurd. People should not live in constant fear of that, that's just horrible.
Serenity13. I do not live in constant fear of my DH having an affair because my DH and I both have boundaries to protect our marriage from OS friends and co-workers. Read the threads here and you will find that a shocking number of affairs begin with OS friends and co-workers.
You did not watch the video that I posted to you did you?
I would have loved to see your DH stand up for your marriage and tell this woman to never contact him again. Doing nothing against a blatant attack on your marriage is dangerous and naive.
So you were coming on here to discuss how you felt about being the third wife?
You don't need any help with building your marriage?
You're ok with the boundaries in your marriage on both of your sides?
Yes, I understand this is a marriage building site but I had heard from a friend that I may have been able to find some good incite into my feelings here. They stated that I if I did not find some closure to my feelings that resentment and other things could follow and that if that happened then this is a good site for that as well. So I figured I'd give it a try. Not working out as well as I had hoped. Found more help on a divorce site than here. Go figure.
I am not worried about some outside person damaging our relationship, but the feelings this has suddenly created.
Serenity can you and your DH take 30 minutes to watch this video together?
What every couple needs to knowHave you read this? To answer your question about being a boring re-run.
Basic ConceptsDid you watch the video that was posted here to you?
What do you think?
And that I must look at every woman as a threat to my marriage and a possible affair from my husband. That is absurd. People should not live in constant fear of that, that's just horrible.
Serenity13. I do not live in constant fear of my DH having an affair because my DH and I both have boundaries to protect our marriage from OS friends and co-workers. Read the threads here and you will find that a shocking number of affairs begin with OS friends and co-workers.
You did not watch the video that I posted to you did you?
I would have loved to see your DH stand up for your marriage and tell this woman to never contact him again. Doing nothing against a blatant attack on your marriage is dangerous and naive.
[/quote]
I responded to another poster in regards to what my husband was willing to do about this woman. I stated that if she contacted him again. Which she has not and it has been 3 days since the last email. He would send her a do not contact letter. If that fails he will press charges of stalking and get a restraining order. I personally had to do this with an old high school friend that found me after years.
I apologize greatly for bringing my concerns to the wrong site. I do appreciate everyone trying to help. But giving the wrong advice is just as destructive as giving bad advice.
I am sorry I did not answer your question about the video. Yes I did watch the video. He has some good points but neither I nor my husband agree with everything he says.
So you were coming on here to discuss how you felt about being the third wife?
You don't need any help with building your marriage?
You're ok with the boundaries in your marriage on both of your sides?
Yes, I understand this is a marriage building site but I had heard from a friend that I may have been able to find some good incite into my feelings here. They stated that I if I did not find some closure to my feelings that resentment and other things could follow and that if that happened then this is a good site for that as well. So I figured I'd give it a try. Not working out as well as I had hoped. Found more help on a divorce site than here. Go figure.
Did you read Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts?
Here is some more good reading.
Resentment Type A and Type B
So you were coming on here to discuss how you felt about being the third wife?
You don't need any help with building your marriage?
You're ok with the boundaries in your marriage on both of your sides?
Yes, I understand this is a marriage building site but I had heard from a friend that I may have been able to find some good incite into my feelings here. They stated that I if I did not find some closure to my feelings that resentment and other things could follow and that if that happened then this is a good site for that as well. So I figured I'd give it a try. Not working out as well as I had hoped. Found more help on a divorce site than here. Go figure.
Did you read Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts?
Here is some more good reading.
Resentment Type A and Type BYes and we even took the questionnaire. No surprises for either of us.
Serenity. You sound very angry and defensive.
I'm not sure why you are so vehemently against listening to us about protecting your marriage and boundaries. That does not make sense.
I know how petty and na�ve it all sounds but it is really bothering me. I feel as though there is nothing special about me for him. I know part of my problem is that I have never had any other relationships besides with him. And therefore I don't know, or maybe cant fully understand how doing the exact same thing with a different person can make it different. And to not think; the last time I did this...
Anyone dealt with this kind of thing? Is this something I am just going to have to "get over"?
OK. So I'll deflect the EP discussion to focus on why you feel you came here.
Do you associate being special with recreational activities? I�m try to get some context around what you feel is �special�. What is an example of one thing you and him could share that would make this R, this M, more special?
I�m curious because other than you having a prowler trying to bust in on your M it seems you and him have a pretty good R. You seem to be very open and honest with each other. You seem to have full disclosure in your M. After listening to your posts you seem to grasp the concept of what to do when someone presents a threat (although your comment about living in fear is kind of silly and foreign to us who�ve witnessed just how horrid waywards are (lying, sneaky, people who become someone entirely different).
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I apologize greatly for bringing my concerns to the wrong site. I do appreciate everyone trying to help. But giving the wrong advice is just as destructive as giving bad advice.
Take what you need and leave the rest. People took time out of their own busy lives to try to help you because you asked for advice. If you don't find it applicable, there is no need to be ungracious and angry. Just reject and move on.
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OK. So I'll deflect the EP discussion to focus on why you feel you came here.
Do you associate being special with recreational activities? I�m try to get some context around what you feel is �special�. What is an example of one thing you and him could share that would make this R, this M, more special?
I�m curious because other than you having a prowler trying to bust in on your M it seems you and him have a pretty good R. You seem to be very open and honest with each other. You seem to have full disclosure in your M. After listening to your posts you seem to grasp the concept of what to do when someone presents a threat (although your comment about living in fear is kind of silly and foreign to us who�ve witnessed just how horrid waywards are (lying, sneaky, people who become someone entirely different).
Not quite sure if recreational is the word I would use. But the thing that really hit off all my thinking was the last ladies' reminiscing of a "get away" trip they took together. We took one once. Locked ourselves away from the world for a bit and really enjoyed just it being the 2 of us. At the time he stated he hadn't done anything like that before and so it felt special to me. Something we could experience for the first time, together. Turned out he had already done it.
Then perversely for the next day my mind kept going back and forth. He has already been married, already had kids, already bought a house, already had a get away trip, already had anniversaries, and on and on, small things, big things it didn't matter what I thought about, it makes sense he has already done it with someone else. I don't know for sure everything he has ever done and I was getting disheartened. Which is why I asked him to tell me one thing he hadn't done with anyone else that he had done with me.
So I concluded there was a problem within myself being as how this never bothered me before. Never, we would even talk about past things we had done. I realized this could possibly turn into a bigger problem and so I have ben looking for some incite. Here was only once place that was suggested to me to try.
Can you tell us the years of his marriages, including yours?
1st marriage- 13/14 years- no affairs on either end
2nd marriage- 7/8 years- multiple affairs on her end
Our marriage- almost 9 years- no affairs on either end
I was referring to the actual years of the marriage. ex, 1999-2011
Serenity
I've been following your thread since the beginning and wanted to offer my perspective.
It sounds like you and your husband have a really good marriage. You seem to be following a lot of the principals recommended by Dr. H and you generally seem very happy together.
I can understand your concerns about the feeling that you may not have as many "special unique together moments" as H may have had in his prior life, before you came into his life (and completed it). You long for something that you can call your own, something not previously shared by another woman.
These things can eat away at you if you let them. The best that you can do, IMHO, is to brainstorm with your husband, and find something thats new. Then do it, take plenty of pictures, and find the next thing to do together. This is the spice in our lives, to find great things to do together and create a great life together. Continue doing this until you find all of the things that bring spice to you lives. (I'll bet none of the other women went skydiving with him, maybe bungee jumping too).
Now a question for you. What if you dont find anything new to share with him? Will that change your life? Make you less happy with him?
I want to say that I really appreciate everyone trying to help me. And I want to apologize for it seeming that I was getting angry. I was more frustrated as it felt like no one was listening to what I was saying. Like everyone was paused on it had to be an affair. I am fairly certain you can understand how anyone would get a bit ruffled over that.
Can you tell us the years of his marriages, including yours?
1st marriage- 13/14 years- no affairs on either end
2nd marriage- 7/8 years- multiple affairs on her end
Our marriage- almost 9 years- no affairs on either end
I was referring to the actual years of the marriage. ex, 1999-2011
Oh, not sure exactly, never really cared enough to know, which is why I wasn't sure exactly how long the marriages were. I know I am close though only a year or two off on each. The minimum is correct though, he was married at least 13 years to the first but I am fairly certain it was longer. And 7 or 8 years to the second is. We married in 2004. But I don't see how that would help.
Yes, I know I can understand why you felt that. The folks here are generally good at seeing thru some veils that betrayed spouses may not able to see thru. Prying like they do is how they got so good at seeing affairs that others may have missed. It's not personal, its just that they (we) just want to get to the bottom of the situation. It seems harsh, especially when you're not expecting it to go in that direction.
Serenity
I've been following your thread since the beginning and wanted to offer my perspective.
It sounds like you and your husband have a really good marriage. You seem to be following a lot of the principals recommended by Dr. H and you generally seem very happy together.
I can understand your concerns about the feeling that you may not have as many "special unique together moments" as H may have had in his prior life, before you came into his life (and completed it). You long for something that you can call your own, something not previously shared by another woman. This is what I have been meaning. Thank you for putting it so succinctly.
These things can eat away at you if you let them. The best that you can do, IMHO, is to brainstorm with your husband, and find something thats new. Then do it, take plenty of pictures, and find the next thing to do together. This is the spice in our lives, to find great things to do together and create a great life together. Continue doing this until you find all of the things that bring spice to you lives. (I'll bet none of the other women went skydiving with him, maybe bungee jumping too).
Now a question for you. What if you dont find anything new to share with him? Will that change your life? Make you less happy with him?
I do not think it will cause any problems if I can not find something. The past 2 days of trying to understand my feelings and talking to people has actually made the majority of the feeling fade. I am hopeful that as I was fully aware of this before and had no problems that as time goes on it will be pretty much the same. If not well, we will cross that bridge when we get to it. No use worrying on what has yet to be.
What do you think of something as exciting as skydiving or bungee jumping? Maybe a balloon ride? Flying lessons are great too. You dont have to finish and get the license if you cant afford it but learning something like that together is a ton of fun.
Welcome to MB Serenity13!
I see you have been through the 20 questions game .. gotten some advice and such. It seems you also have a great marriage and your hubby seems very open as do you.
YOu did the ENQ i see ... have you done the Lovebusters Questionnaires to learn about what makes each other upset or frusterated? Have you done the recreational inventory to see if there is any activites each of you has yet to do as a first together? Have you done the personal history questionnaire to really understand your histories?
Its possible that your feelings are related to not knowing everything about your hubbies past because you keep finding things he has already done? I bet you have a high need for openess and honesty (in top 5) and part of your frusteration is stemming from that.
here is a link to the other questionnaires i mentioned above
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4502_lbq.html - Love busters questionnaire
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4503_phq.html - Personal History Questionnaire
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4505_rei.html - Recreational Inventory
MNG
YOu did the ENQ i see ... have you done the Lovebusters Questionnaires to learn about what makes each other upset or frusterated? Have you done the recreational inventory to see if there is any activites each of you has yet to do as a first together? Have you done the personal history questionnaire to really understand your histories?
Maybe those things can be the "1" thing you've done with him that he hasn't done with the others. And what a special thing it is seeing those other marriages didn't last. This one looks like it has an outstanding chance of lasting a lifetime and what better way to ensure that then to perform some exercises and develop other behaviors that will ensure it does. (Hence why we were very focused on EPs)
Have you seen this?
Historical Honesty
Did your relationship with your husband start while he was divorcing? I'm asking, because that would explain a lot of your anxiety.
Can you tell us the years of his marriages, including yours?
1st marriage- 13/14 years- no affairs on either end
2nd marriage- 7/8 years- multiple affairs on her end
Our marriage- almost 9 years- no affairs on either end
That is a minimum of 30ish years and not including after a divorce. How old is your husband? Do any of these marriages overlap (ie dating when separated).
I would focus on ENs right now. My guess is that things were okay but not great, so when this thing came and took a bite out of the love bank, there weren't enough good feelings left to compensate. This idea didn't come out of thin air, right? Something that had nagged at you every now and then before, but you dismissed it as "no big deal" because there was enough good there to compensate?
Have you looked at the RC Inventory lately? That would be a great way to find some new RC ideas to try that maybe you two haven't done with anyone else. And it sounds like you both really liked the weekend away together, maybe that would be the perfect way to put this dilemma into perspective.