Thanks for all the replies on this thread. This is an interesting topic.
For anyone who missed the show, I transcribed it as best I could, trying to preserve the original conversation, but removing um's, uh's, etc., and names to protect the innocent.
Joyce: Topic: is it ok to ask why of your spouse when handling a conflict in your marriage?
...
Asking why while using the Policy of Joint Agreement: Is there ever a time when you shouldn�t ask your spouse why? Maybe it�s the attitude in which you ask that is what we�re really dealing with here.
Dr. Harley: In the 1970�s, there was a great deal of emphasis among women on being assertive; and there were assertiveness training classes.
Joyce: I thought that was a very good decade (only kidding).
Dr. Harley: The main point in the assertiveness training class was to teach women to say no. In other words, when they were asked to do something, they shouldn�t just right away say, �oh yes, yes, yes, I�ll be happy to do whatever it is you want me to do;� but rather, if you don�t really want to do it, say you don�t want to do it, say no. There were training classes in how to say no.
Joyce: May I add, however, the one thing I learned from a friend who took these classes (and I have never gone to an assertiveness training class, but) if you say no, you don�t tell why.
Dr. Harley: That�s true. The basic idea was a person doesn�t need to know why you said no.
Joyce: Because it sets you up for a discussion, then maybe being criticized, being judged, your reasons aren�t good enough, we're not doing whatever they�ve asked, and that extends to invitations as well. And quite honestly, I still think for invitations to something, to say we won�t be available, is a good use of that assertiveness training. I like it in that situation.
Dr. Harley: Yes, so if somebody asks you to help them move this weekend, and you say �no, I�d really rather not, I�d like to spend time with my family,� instead of explaining it all,...
Joyce: That�s giving an excuse right there.
Dr. Harley: That�s right. You�re trained in these classes to say, �No, I�m sorry I won�t be able to this weekend.�
Joyce: And to me, that�s clean, it�s good, and the person on the other side says �Thank you.�
Dr. Harley: Well what if they were to say �Why? Why can�t you help me this weekend?� And then what you do is you say �I�m sorry I can�t go into it right now, all I can tell you is that I can�t do it this weekend.� That�s the assertiveness training program.
Now the problem you run into is it�s one thing to say no to a friend who wants you to help them move, or a neighbor who maybe isn�t even a friend, and a spouse who is your life partner.
Joyce: Assertiveness training does not apply in marriage.
Dr. Harley: Well, you DO have the right to say no, but you have to then explain why you feel the way you do. Now here is the point that was raised on the forum, and that is that if a spouse says no and the other spouse says why, isn�t that disrespectful?
Joyce: Let me read what [the writer] has to say here. �I was recently involved in a discussion on the Marriage Builders forum involving the topic of trying to understand the 'why' behind the way a person feels when using the Policy of Joint Agreement to negotiate a solution to a problem. One poster felt that asking why is dangerous and can be perceived as disrespectful or challenging, and could open up possibility of debates and disrespectful judgments. However when my wife and I negotiate, we like to try to understand why each of us feels the way we do; it sometimes helps us to come up with a solution to a problem, and it helps us understand each other better. And when we DO understand each other better, it draws us closer emotionally.� He goes on a little further, but I think that introduces enough for this portion of the conversation.
So you see where [the writer] feels that it�s a good thing, and yet he�s gotten concerns from others on the Marriage Builders forum that this could be a dangerous thing. So how do you feel about this?
Dr. Harley: Well again I think there�s a distinction between saying no to an acquaintance or a friend without having to explain yourself, and saying no to your spouse, where you are a life partner, and you need to understand each other. Now, again, with the assertiveness training program we�ve been talking about, I am in agreement that you don�t have to explain yourself to everybody; you don�t have to explain the reasons why you do what you do to everybody that comes to you with a request. But I think in the case of your spouse, you do. So, here is a situation where, the Policy of Joint Agreement says never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse, so your spouse says �How would you feel about doing this with me,� and your response would be �I don�t think I�d like to do that;� we talked about this yesterday.
Joyce: Well, let me bring this up because this is a good thing, the idea of the pets in the house, and we DID talk about that yesterday, and cats and dogs, and the wife wants them in the house, the husband does not. And he added, he used this illustration, the wife wanted them, the husband did not, wouldn�t this question "why" help with the solution.
Dr. Harley: Absolutely.
Joyce: If he didn�t like their smell, they could keep up with their pet grooming more often (that�s regarding dogs), and if they dropped food on the floor, the pets could be fed outside.
Dr. Harley: Right.
Joyce: So the why helps you maybe get to the more specific reasons so that maybe the specific reasons can be addressed rather than the broad stroke application of �no animals in the house because this is not what the husband wants.�
Dr. Harley: So I think it�s an essential part of the statement �no� to go on to explain why you feel the way you do. Now, having said that, I think that the �why� could be handled in a disrespectful way. So for example if you said you didn�t want to do something, and I would say �why?� [drawn out] I might, in my intonation, or perhaps in the follow-up statements that I make to �why,"...
Joyce: Or in your body language.
Dr. Harley: I might be disrespectful to you. �How could anybody in their right mind not want to go with me to a Twins game?�
Joyce: �Why on earth would you feel that way?�
Dr. Harley: Right, you can have disrespect in a situation like that, but the way we organize discussion for a couple, you are supposed to make the discussion pleasant and safe. So instead of being disrespectful or demanding or angry in the discussion, those things are off the table; you can�t do those things. So, in your question �why,� you go with a sincere desire to understand the other person�s perspective so that you can accommodate that perspective in an alternative. So for example with the dogs and cats, the idea is �how could we have dogs and cats in a way that you would be comfortable having them join us in our family.�
Joyce: So then we go on further, �so tell me why you don�t want them in the house, help me understand.�
Dr. Harley: Exactly.
Joyce: [The writer] says his wife really enjoys when they ask each other �why� because, she especially feels like she is being heard.
Dr. Harley: And, you get to know each other better.
Joyce: That�s true. But yet we do agree with people on the forum that a good warning to make sure your �why� does not bring on disrespect.