Marriage Builders
Posted By: WifeNMother Marital Rape - 10/02/14 02:59 PM
I'm not sure if this is the right place to post but I am looking for advice on overcoming rape in a marriage. It has happened a few times in our marriage (we've only been married a couple years). The last time was in July. It hasn't happened since then but I suppose that's because I haven't told him no to sex since then. I do not want a divorce but I don't see how we can save our marriage if I dread sexual contact and I am constantly having flashbacks of the rapes. How can I get over this and avoid divorce?
Posted By: SugarCane Re: Marital Rape - 10/02/14 03:19 PM
Originally Posted by WifeNMother
I'm not sure if this is the right place to post but I am looking for advice on overcoming rape in a marriage. It has happened a few times in our marriage (we've only been married a couple years). The last time was in July. It hasn't happened since then but I suppose that's because I haven't told him no to sex since then. I do not want a divorce but I don't see how we can save our marriage if I dread sexual contact and I am constantly having flashbacks of the rapes. How can I get over this and avoid divorce?
Welcome to MB, WNM. I'm so sorry to read this.

You should not try to "overcome" your husband's raping you while continuing to live with him. You should report the crimes to the police, lock your husband out of the home and give evidence in a trial against him.

I don't think anyone on this site will advise you on how to "overcome' these violent assaults - not in the way you are hoping.
Posted By: Prisca Re: Marital Rape - 10/02/14 03:19 PM
Whether your marriage can survive will greatly depend on your husband's willingness to change and start showing you extraordinary care and protection. Is he willing to stop his abusive behavior?

You need to stop having sex with him for now. It is creating a sexual aversion in you, which will be difficult to overcome. If he wants to have sex with you, he is going to need to change some things. If he will not take no for an answer, separate. Keep in mind that separation is not divorce. Your marriage can survive a separation, but it is not going to survive the continued abuse.

Raise the bar. Let him know that if he wants to remain married to you, then you expect more than this. Separate until he is willing to care for and protect you.
Posted By: Gamma Re: Marital Rape - 10/02/14 03:22 PM
WAM,

Have you called a rape crisis hotline, 1-800-656-4673, perhaps other posters have had experience.

Also you may want to contact the Harleys.

God Bless
Gamma
Posted By: WifeNMother Re: Marital Rape - 10/02/14 03:34 PM
Thank you for the replies. I did contact a hotline and they suggested counseling which my husband does not want to do. I said maybe I could go alone and he said I do not have the time or the funds to go to counseling and I guess he's right about that. I understand that many people would suggest a separation but I really do not want to do this. We have children together and it would be very embarrassing for me if my family and friends were to find out. I realize that most people will tell me to leave but I am not willing to do so. I do love my husband I just am not physically attracted to him anymore because I can't stop remembering the rapes.
Posted By: Prisca Re: Marital Rape - 10/02/14 03:48 PM
I understand the embarrassment of a separation. I had children, too, and feared all the attention that I might get if people found out what was happening at home.

I know how scary it is.

BUT, your husband has shown he does not care to protect you. He has no motivation to stop the abuse. Why should he? He is getting what he wants, he's happy, and he knows you are not going to do anything about it.



The only hope your marriage has is a separation. This is YOUR ONLY HOPE. I want to make that point very clear. There is no other way you can motivate him to change, and there is no way for you to get over the continued abuse while living with him.

Separation not only protects you, it raises the bar for him. It gives him a chance to do what it takes to win you back. It gives him a chance to change. You will be doing your marriage, your husband, and by extension your children a big favor. You will be giving your family a chance.



Posted By: WifeNMother Re: Marital Rape - 10/02/14 04:06 PM
We live on a farm so me packing up my children and leaving is not an option. I guess I am just looking to overcome this mental hurdle which lead to my sexual aversion in the first place. I stopped wanting to have sex and then the rapes started so I have just been going along with it now. It is easier to just agree to have sex for a few minutes than to fight. But I would hope that I can get back to enjoying sex instead of dreading it and crying all the time.
Posted By: Prisca Re: Marital Rape - 10/02/14 04:06 PM
Your children will suffer if you stay. They need their parents to have a strong marriage built on care and protection. They do not have that, and they are suffering because of it. And it is only going to get worse.
Posted By: Prisca Re: Marital Rape - 10/02/14 04:10 PM
In order for you to heal from the sexual aversion, your husband is going to need to be willing to show you extraordinary care and protection. He is not willing.

This is not something you can just get over. He will need to make changes. He is not willing to.

Continuing to just give in to sex in order to avoid a rape is NOT going to make things better.
Posted By: WifeNMother Re: Marital Rape - 10/02/14 04:11 PM
I should clarify that our marriage is perfect aside from this one issue which sounds odd. We love spending time together and doing things as a family and he is very caring and thoughtful. He buys me gifts for no reason, takes me on dates, talks to me for hours. He is perfect in every way he just gets very frustrated when I don't want to have sex. He does everything I ask of him I am just not physically attracted to him anymore.
Posted By: Sunnytimes Re: Marital Rape - 10/02/14 04:11 PM
I was in a situation where much embarrassment would have resulted from explaining a separation, too, about 14 years ago. I did not know about MB methods then, and did not expose or separate.

The following 14 years did not get any better - they kept getting worse and worse. This was because I did not set a boundary or accountability on how I needed to be treated. Eventually I was forced to set a boundary (separation) because my health started to deteriorate from the stress of being mistreated.

WifeNMother, in your situation it's either pay-me-now or pay-me-later. The interest costs you will bear on the pay-me-later are your health and more wasted years in an abusive situation.

Remember, separation is not divorce and it doesn't have to be. That could motivate your H to treat you well so he never has to experience the boundary or embarrassment again.

BTW, you have no reason to be embarrassed. True, it is personal information, but it is not YOUR behavior that is embarrassing, it's HIS. With the fear of being embarrassed if he misbehaves comes his incentive to not misbehave.

I am sorry, but if you want a life where you are not abused, this is the only way.

I really suspect there are other things in the marriage that are abusive to you if he is willing to go so far as to rape you.

How are other aspects of your relationship? Has he ever struck you? Does he yell at you or curse at you? Does he treat you as an equal?
Posted By: WifeNMother Re: Marital Rape - 10/02/14 04:13 PM
I know that it is me that is the problem but I don't know how to change the way I feel and think. I just want to erase all these negative thoughts and go back to being happy.
Posted By: markos Re: Marital Rape - 10/02/14 04:14 PM
Originally Posted by WifeNMother
I should clarify that our marriage is perfect aside from this one issue which sounds odd. We love spending time together and doing things as a family and he is very caring and thoughtful. He buys me gifts for no reason, takes me on dates, talks to me for hours. He is perfect in every way he just gets very frustrated when I don't want to have sex. He does everything I ask of him I am just not physically attracted to him anymore.

In that case, I think he would respond very well to finding out that he HAS to do something about this issue.

This is not something you can fix for him.

He has to take any form of abuse and control, especially this, off of the table.

Given what you are saying here, there is a very good chance that when he finds out that he has to overcome this or you will separate, he will choose to do what needs to be done. That is what good men do. They become BETTER men when that is what they have to do to keep their families.
Posted By: markos Re: Marital Rape - 10/02/14 04:15 PM
Originally Posted by WifeNMother
I know that it is me that is the problem

No, you are not the problem - he is.

Do you have Dr. Harley's book Love Busters?

I would strongly encourage you to write to Dr. Harley on his radio show, and to read through these columns Dr. Harley has written on abuse and control:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5505_qa.html
Posted By: Sunnytimes Re: Marital Rape - 10/02/14 04:16 PM
Originally Posted by WifeNMother
We live on a farm so me packing up my children and leaving is not an option.

Yes, it is. Your H will just have to figure out how to run the farm without you until he is able to not rape you. He will have to hire a farm hand or work even harder himself, or sell the farm.

Wouldn't you rather live with little and peace, than with riches and rape? There is no financial decision worth selling yourself to be raped over.
Posted By: markos Re: Marital Rape - 10/02/14 04:17 PM
Originally Posted by WifeNMother
I know that it is me that is the problem but I don't know how to change the way I feel and think.

Dr. Harley is a clinical psychologist with decades of experiencing helping marriages, and he will tell you it is IMPOSSIBLE to change the way you feel and think! This is not something that needs to be fixed on your end.

In all cases Dr. Harley recommends changing the offending spouse's behavior, rather than trying to change the offended spouse's feelings. It is much easier to change behavior than it is to change feelings. People feel better after their spouse stops offending them and takes steps to make sure it will never happen again.
Posted By: Sunnytimes Re: Marital Rape - 10/02/14 04:17 PM
Originally Posted by WifeNMother
I know that it is me that is the problem but I don't know how to change the way I feel and think. I just want to erase all these negative thoughts and go back to being happy.

And you cannot do that until the rapes stop happening.

The rapes won't stop happening unless you set boundaries.
Posted By: Prisca Re: Marital Rape - 10/02/14 04:19 PM
Originally Posted by WifeNMother
I know that it is me that is the problem but I don't know how to change the way I feel and think. I just want to erase all these negative thoughts and go back to being happy.

You are not the problem. His abuse has created these feelings in you and you can't just get over them. He has to change some things first.

Btw, the abuse has not stopped just because you now give into sex instead of facing a rape. His demand with the threat of rape IS ABUSE. It continues, and your feelings will not change until it stops.
Posted By: WifeNMother Re: Marital Rape - 10/02/14 04:22 PM
Thank you, I will check out those articles. I will also try to see about contacting dr. Harley for further advice . I appreciate y'all taking the time to read about my problems and responding!
Posted By: Sunnytimes Re: Marital Rape - 10/02/14 04:22 PM
Originally Posted by Prisca
Btw, the abuse has not stopped just because you now give into sex instead of facing a rape. His demand with the threat of rape IS ABUSE. It continues, and your feelings will not change until it stops.

Exactly.

The reason you are crying all the time and dreading sex is because every time he has sex with you, that you are complying to avoid rape, he actually is raping you by implication. "If you don't give in I will rape you."
Posted By: Sunnytimes Re: Marital Rape - 10/02/14 04:31 PM
WifeNMother:

On another thread Husband Hates Me, the poster has come to the realization as follows:

Originally Posted by luna_alpha
.....

Being afraid of him leaving just opened the door for him to treat me any way he wanted because he could always come back. What a huge mistake. I wish I'd had more courage back then, maybe I wouldn't be here now.

This is exactly the pattern that ALWAYS happens. An abusive spouse will not stop unless you enforce consequences so he does not want to experience the consequence of abusing you.

If you don't set the boundary (separation) now, you will live like this until you do.
Posted By: Sunnytimes Re: Marital Rape - 10/02/14 04:33 PM
Originally Posted by Sunnytimes
WifeNMother:

On another thread Husband Hates Me, the poster has come to the realization as follows:

Originally Posted by luna_alpha
.....

Being afraid of him leaving just opened the door for him to treat me any way he wanted because he could always come back. What a huge mistake. I wish I'd had more courage back then, maybe I wouldn't be here now.

This is exactly the pattern that ALWAYS happens. An abusive spouse will not stop unless you enforce consequences so he does not want to experience the consequence of abusing you.

If you don't set the boundary (separation) now, you will live like this until you do.

The same thing happened to me and to every abused woman who is tolerating abuse. This is a cookie cutter outcome to abuse.

You either enforce boundaries to stop the abuse, or the abuse continues.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Marital Rape - 10/03/14 02:38 AM
Originally Posted by WifeNMother
Thank you, I will check out those articles. I will also try to see about contacting dr. Harley for further advice . I appreciate y'all taking the time to read about my problems and responding!

Do you listen to Dr. Harley's daily Radio Show?
You can email him at: mbradio@marriagebuilders.com and tell him what you posted here. If you include your phone number, they will call and ask if you would like to be on the Radio Show. You can use an alias if you prefer but it will allow him to ask you questions and help you directly.
If you prefer not to be on the Radio Show, he will email a reply to you with advise.


However, the posters here have pretty much explained his methods: in cases of abuse such as yours, he recommends separation until the abuser eliminates the offending behavior and is safe to be around.
Posted By: graceful2b Re: Marital Rape - 10/03/14 05:50 PM
Your husband has a big character problem. You cannot control him. You can only control your own actions and reactions.

This isn't about some underlying sad thing your husband had happen to him at any point in his life and it has nothing to do with something you did or did not do for him.

And all the nice things he does for you and your children will not make up for his attacks against you. He is very aware of how this is damaging you. He does not care.

A person with a character deficiency will do these things:

1. Make management of his/her image more important then any abuse being committed. Again, he is aware of the damages but does not care. Seriously, this is true. He is not in denial or 'acting out' like many like to believe ---which is why traditional psychotherapy does not work for the character deficient because its based on how we functioned in another era.

2. Manipulates all the time.

3. Avoids responsibility.

If you apply the above principles, you can hopefully determine all the nice stuff he does for you is to help him continue to rape you and get away with it. This is real. This is the elephant in your room.

You HAVE to shift away from your more neurotic response to a stand showing strong boundaries as others here have suggested.

He has you helping to manage his image. He's manipulating you. And he is avoiding seeking the help he needs to be a better man.

HE will not be motivated to improve until you say no more and act.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Marital Rape - 10/04/14 03:44 AM
Originally Posted by WifeNMother
Thank you, I will check out those articles. I will also try to see about contacting dr. Harley for further advice . I appreciate y'all taking the time to read about my problems and responding!
Did you email Dr Harley?
Posted By: catwhit Re: Marital Rape - 10/04/14 05:01 AM
Did I hear your email on the radio show today, WnM?
Posted By: themud Re: Marital Rape - 10/06/14 09:40 PM
I find it interesting that she didn't explain what rape was to her within her marriage.

What I've seen is wife rejects husband x amount of times/months/years and at some point he is overly assertive.

Could he call the rejection abononment? How long between accounts of intimacy? Most studies say that men can go 72 hrs without an emmission before feeling the need and get grumpy mean irritable etc.

I find it ammusing that some on here go like this:

Husband gets rejected by wife continuously and is tempted by porn. Wife catches him, comes here for advice.

Advice given? Do not have sex with him until he stops the porn watching. So..... let's cut him off from the one thing that caused the temptation in the first place.

We need to see the root to the problem and get of the female carousel and start seeing mens point of view at some point.

I assume most people on here are christian. Is not sex commanded in the bible? I think it's been beat to death on this site that the HD spouse is at the mercy of the LD, and the needs is regardless. The bible says the HD spouse will be tempted, withholding causes that temptation. Stop letting your spouse become tempted!
Posted By: LongWayFromHome Re: Marital Rape - 10/06/14 09:52 PM
Rape is forcing a woman to have sex against her will. A woman should never be forced to have sex...period...even if her H is grumpy and irritable from waiting.

Most wives enjoy sexual relations with their husband as long as they feel bonded and if they have the prospect of enjoyment. If a woman continually refuses to make love with her husband, the wise husband would find out what the problem is rather than getting "overly assertive" and force himself on her.

The Bible is full of many commandments, including not to deprive one another of sex; however, this doesn't give the husband permission to force himself on his wife. The Bible commands spouses to love each other and to respect each other, that the marriage, at its best, is a little insight into the relationship God has with His people.

If you want to discuss porn and how it ruins a marriage, please start your own thread rather than hijack this one.
Posted By: mrEureka Re: Marital Rape - 10/07/14 01:01 PM
Originally Posted by themud
We need to see the root to the problem and get of the female carousel and start seeing mens point of view at some point.
The "female carousel"? Are you serious? Perhaps the root of your problem is your entrenched belief that it is them against us.

Rape is never permissible in any context. For you to imply differently belies a serious problem with you. There is no controversy in this; when a woman is forced to have sex, it is rape. Did you listen to what Dr. Harley said about this on the radio show? He said that the husband is too far gone and beyond hope. Your attempt to cast this situation into a benign context has failed miserably.
Posted By: indiegirl Re: Marital Rape - 10/09/14 08:12 AM
Originally Posted by themud
I find it interesting that she didn't explain what rape was to her within her marriage.

What I've seen is wife rejects husband x amount of times/months/years and at some point he is overly assertive.

Could he call the rejection abononment? How long between accounts of intimacy? Most studies say that men can go 72 hrs without an emmission before feeling the need and get grumpy mean irritable etc.

I find it ammusing that some on here go like this:

Husband gets rejected by wife continuously and is tempted by porn. Wife catches him, comes here for advice.

Advice given? Do not have sex with him until he stops the porn watching. So..... let's cut him off from the one thing that caused the temptation in the first place.

We need to see the root to the problem and get of the female carousel and start seeing mens point of view at some point.

I assume most people on here are christian. Is not sex commanded in the bible? I think it's been beat to death on this site that the HD spouse is at the mercy of the LD, and the needs is regardless. The bible says the HD spouse will be tempted, withholding causes that temptation. Stop letting your spouse become tempted!


Does your bible recommend women are punished with violence for not putting out?

You might have a dud copy.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Marital Rape - 10/10/14 04:15 AM
Here's your question.
Radio Clip of WifeNMother's Question
Posted By: WifeNMother Re: Marital Rape - 10/15/14 01:14 AM
Thank you for all the responses. Dr. Harley did address my question on the show and send me He Wins She Wins. I have not approached my husband yet with the articles Dr. Harley suggested I show him. Just trying to get up the nerve I guess.
I just wanted to respond to the comment someone had made about the Bible and that women should not withhold sex. I do believe that sex should not be withheld as a weapon against your husband to punish him. I believe you do give your body to your spouse when you marry and you agree to meet their sexual needs. However that doesn't give a husband the right to abuse his wife.
The longest we ever went without sex was about a month after the birth of each child. Each time I was pressured to have sex before the doctor had cleared me for sex again. Other than that we've never gone longer than a week. I am a devout Christian I have been trying to meet my husbands sexual needs but I know God did not intend for that to include being grabbed by the hair on both sides of my head and having it smashed down again and again because I dared to deny my husband sex.
Posted By: Prisca Re: Marital Rape - 10/15/14 01:51 AM
Dr. Harley would agree with you.
Posted By: indiegirl Re: Marital Rape - 10/15/14 05:55 AM
Honestly it is he who is withholding a loving and fulfilling sex life from you.

How long has it been since your enjoyment mattered if your consent does not? Since you have been under caring and sensitive hands?

Sex should be fun and intimate and full of giggles and sighs and exchanging looks. He has murdered all that.

He is taking his own conjugal rights but he flat out denies yours.

It is he who is causing temptation, not you. I don't think for a moment you would have an affair but your husband is creating the ideal circumstances by denying you love, care and yes... Lovemaking.
Posted By: indiegirl Re: Marital Rape - 10/15/14 08:23 AM
I didn't hear your show but did Dr H tell you to confront him? Did you explain the level of violence?

I'm concerned he isn't safe to have this discussion with. Women do die every day at their husbands hands.

Mr E said Dr H described him as beyond hope yet you seem to think articles will change his violence. I hope I'm misunderstanding .
Posted By: indiegirl Re: Marital Rape - 10/15/14 08:28 AM
I feel flippant talking about your right to a sex life while you don't have the right to safety.

Originally Posted by WifeNMother
I should clarify that our marriage is perfect aside from this one issue which sounds odd. We love spending time together and doing things as a family and he is very caring and thoughtful. He buys me gifts for no reason, takes me on dates, talks to me for hours. He is perfect in every way he just gets very frustrated when I don't want to have sex. He does everything I ask of him I am just not physically attracted to him anymore.


You understand this is a Jekyll and Hyde persona designed to keep you on your toes?

Dr H says it is very difficult getting abused women to leave because their husbands are so nice to them most of the time. This gives them freedom to abuse.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Marital Rape - 10/15/14 01:45 PM
Originally Posted by indiegirl
I didn't hear your show but did Dr H tell you to confront him? Did you explain the level of violence?

I'm concerned he isn't safe to have this discussion with. Women do die every day at their husbands hands.

Mr E said Dr H described him as beyond hope yet you seem to think articles will change his violence. I hope I'm misunderstanding .
Here's the question.
Radio Clip of WifeNMother's Question
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Marital Rape - 10/15/14 04:50 PM
Originally Posted by WifeNMother
Thank you for all the responses. Dr. Harley did address my question on the show and send me He Wins She Wins. I have not approached my husband yet with the articles Dr. Harley suggested I show him. Just trying to get up the nerve I guess.
I just wanted to respond to the comment someone had made about the Bible and that women should not withhold sex. I do believe that sex should not be withheld as a weapon against your husband to punish him. I believe you do give your body to your spouse when you marry and you agree to meet their sexual needs. However that doesn't give a husband the right to abuse his wife.
The longest we ever went without sex was about a month after the birth of each child. Each time I was pressured to have sex before the doctor had cleared me for sex again. Other than that we've never gone longer than a week. I am a devout Christian I have been trying to meet my husbands sexual needs but I know God did not intend for that to include being grabbed by the hair on both sides of my head and having it smashed down again and again because I dared to deny my husband sex.

Dr. Harley was very clear in your Radio Call that you should separate from your husband.
You are wasting your time in remaining with him at this point
Posted By: indiegirl Re: Marital Rape - 10/15/14 05:20 PM
Unfortunately he thinks the Mr Nice Guy act is enough to buy him a sex slave. So very sad.

Do let us know if we can support you.
Posted By: Elaina7 Re: Marital Rape - 10/16/14 06:40 AM
Hi smile I am sooo sorry to read of your story. hug
I also am a survivor of marital rape. ( it went on for years)
You aren't the only one out there- I will pray for your strength.

I would like you to take this to your pastor & not confront your husband over this. He isn't safe enough. (This is what Dr. H said)
Write out exactly what has been going on- don't dress it up- call it rape- just tell what the facts are and bring it to your church leaders. (I found it easier then having to tell the story over & over and embarrassment) I hope this will give you the support you need for your church and you to confront your DH husbands sin, and get him the help he needs- while being separated from him for your protection.

"Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, rather expose them." Eph 5:11

This qualifies!!! It is dark and needs to come to light. You desperately need some support my dear sister!!! Go and get it!! You can't do what needs to be done alone, it will all take support.

It will only get worse I am afraid. Your body will not let you get away with sweeping it under any rugs. It knows what happened to it. There is no way to get around it. You are helping everyone out by exposing this.
Posted By: indiegirl Re: Marital Rape - 10/16/14 08:01 AM
Something I've discovered on here is that the more a person sins in secret the more mould grows on their character. Yet exposure can be like bleach and sunlight. Its hard to turn to darkness with everyone watching. He's even convinced his wife not to call rape rape but 'giving in'. No one is addressing this.

If there is any hope for him it has to be done now before his violence grows and grows.

At one time he would not have raped, only pressured (which is bad enough). Now he is extremely violent when not appeased. Not addressing it is making it worse. Its better to leave than to encourage his fall.

Its not hard to imagine these children left with nothing because Dad has murdered mum.

Or simply his being a rotten dad because he believes in rape.
Posted By: mrEureka Re: Marital Rape - 10/16/14 02:49 PM
It is important to realize that rape is not a normal male response to sexual frustration. It is a violent crime on a par with murder. A person who is capable of rape is dangerous. That is why separation is necessary. Trying to appease a rapist is like trying to appease a homicidal maniac. You need to get away from such people for your own safety.
Posted By: Lou519 Re: Marital Rape - 10/17/14 12:26 AM
Q
Originally Posted by themud
I find it interesting that she didn't explain what rape was to her within her marriage.

What I've seen is wife rejects husband x amount of times/months/years and at some point he is overly assertive.

Could he call the rejection abononment? How long between accounts of intimacy? Most studies say that men can go 72 hrs without an emmission before feeling the need and get grumpy mean irritable etc.

I find it ammusing that some on here go like this:

Husband gets rejected by wife continuously and is tempted by porn. Wife catches him, comes here for advice.

Advice given? Do not have sex with him until he stops the porn watching. So..... let's cut him off from the one thing that caused the temptation in the first place.

We need to see the root to the problem and get of the female carousel and start seeing mens point of view at some point.

I assume most people on here are christian. Is not sex commanded in the bible? I think it's been beat to death on this site that the HD spouse is at the mercy of the LD, and the needs is regardless. The bible says the HD spouse will be tempted, withholding causes that temptation. Stop letting your spouse become tempted!
I know others addressed it, but I have to give my 2 cents. This is the most ignorant thing I've seen on this forum by a landslide. Rape is not about sex or being overly aroused. It is about power and control, period. I hope you learn how wrong you are, and I hope nobody who reads your words takes an inkling of knowledge from them. Seriously, do some research because you have some very dangerous views on this subject.
Posted By: Lou519 Re: Marital Rape - 10/17/14 01:25 AM
WNM, I listened to your segment and this is the first time I've disagreed with a recommendation of the Harleys. I agree with their first and second recommendations for you:

1. Separate. You have to believe in yourself. You and your kids can survive. If you're worried about money or housings, there are programs for you. Hopefully you have loved ones that would welcome you. **EDIT**

2. Expose this to others. Pastor of church, loved ones.


**EDIT**
http://www.ncdsv.org/images/powercontrolwheelnoshading.pdf

You think you are only being abused with rape. You've convinced yourself that it is only a sliver of your marriage, as horrible as it is. I have news for you: it is much deeper than that (as it always is when it gets to rape). Just from what you've admitted in this thread, even when he is not violently raping you, he is abusing you with at least 7 of the 8 "spokes" of the Wheel:

- Intimidation
- Coersion (have sex or else)
- Male privilege (it's your "duty" as his wife. I am a Christian and I agree that spouses are ideally obligated to satisfy each other sexually. But he should have lovingly helped you work through your aversion, not raped you. And it is not fixable via that route now.)

- Financial. You work on a farm. "If I leave I have no income". He is controlling you with this (you admit in this thread that it's a reason you can't leave). It is a lie, though, you just need to realize it for yourself. You don't need the farm of its income to survive. You are stronger and smarter than many victims for finding this board. You have great potential within yourself. You can and would survive outside of your farm.

- Children. They would stay with you and they are VERY resilient. You think you are protecting them by keeping them in a house with a rapist? You want your children raised by a rapist? They can be in the same house with their dad again someday. There is help for him if he's willing. He won't be until you leave or he goes to jail. Even then there is a good chance he won't take responsibility

- Minimizing, denying, blaming. You are convinced the rapes are because of lack of sex. I'm assuming he has told you this at some point. He is wrong and a liar. He is also completely disregarding your pain. He has to be aware of it unless he has a mental illness. He simply chooses to ignore your pain. If he truly cared about your feelings AND he raped you, he would have been so overcome with guilt that he would have cried for days. Instead, he shows no remorse. Therefore, he is a sociopath, by definition.

- Isolation. You are isolated on a farm. Are you allowed to come and go as you please? I'm thankful you have Internet access. And I would be VERY careful about your internet history. If he finds that you've been on websites like this having these conversations, he will either hurt you, enforce more control on you, or both. He will not turn a blind eye to this. Google "clear internet history", learn how to do it, and begin clearing your history after every time you access websites like this.


The only one you haven't admitted to is emotional abuse. Obviously rape abuses you emotionally, but that "spoke" is more verbal/nonverbal abusive communication. Are you sure he never does that? He doesn't suggest you are stupid, embarrassing, unattractive?

**EDIT**
Posted By: Denali Re: Marital Rape - 10/17/14 01:43 AM
A warning that the purpose of this forum is to help posters understand and implement Dr. Harley's views. It is not a platform for personal philosophies and agendas. If you can help this poster in this regard, please feel free to post. If not, then refrain from posting.

As a guest on this forum, we expect posters to show some respect for the forum host. Anything less is not going to be tolerated.
Posted By: BrainHurts Re: Marital Rape - 10/17/14 04:05 AM
Originally Posted by WifeNMother
Thank you for all the responses. Dr. Harley did address my question on the show and send me He Wins She Wins. I have not approached my husband yet with the articles Dr. Harley suggested I show him. Just trying to get up the nerve I guess.
I just wanted to respond to the comment someone had made about the Bible and that women should not withhold sex. I do believe that sex should not be withheld as a weapon against your husband to punish him. I believe you do give your body to your spouse when you marry and you agree to meet their sexual needs. However that doesn't give a husband the right to abuse his wife.
The longest we ever went without sex was about a month after the birth of each child. Each time I was pressured to have sex before the doctor had cleared me for sex again. Other than that we've never gone longer than a week. I am a devout Christian I have been trying to meet my husbands sexual needs but I know God did not intend for that to include being grabbed by the hair on both sides of my head and having it smashed down again and again because I dared to deny my husband sex.
Are you going to take Dr. Harley's advice?
Posted By: WifeNMother Re: Marital Rape - 10/23/14 12:55 AM
Sorry I have not been on the forum to respond recently. I asked him to read the article and he said he only reads when he poops. Then I asked him if he's read the book and he again said no. He was angry I talked to someone without him getting to tell "his side" even though I have done so anonymously. We had an argument today and I told him I didn't want him coming home and to stay at his parents. He convinced me this would make us both look bad to his family so he is home sleeping on the couch. We were texting and he admitted to having sex when I didn't want to. I texted back that it was rape and reminded him of the violence that he used and he never responded. I texted it so there would be a trail (which sounds paranoid but I don't want it being his word against mine someday). He is acting like nothing is wrong. I guess it is hopeless.
Posted By: WifeNMother Re: Marital Rape - 10/23/14 01:02 AM
He did say he wanted to talk to dr Harley too but I don't think it is to save the marriage. I think he just wants to make himself look better because I finally told someone what he's doing.
This is a random thought but after one of the times he had raped me I just remember going into the bathroom to cry and thinking to myself if my dad knew what was happening to me he would kill my husband. And that I could never let my dad know because it would break his heart.
Posted By: markos Re: Marital Rape - 10/23/14 03:51 AM
Originally Posted by WifeNMother
He did say he wanted to talk to dr Harley too but I don't think it is to save the marriage. I think he just wants to make himself look better because I finally told someone what he's doing.
This is a random thought but after one of the times he had raped me I just remember going into the bathroom to cry and thinking to myself if my dad knew what was happening to me he would kill my husband. And that I could never let my dad know because it would break his heart.

WNM, you need to let your dad know. People need to be held accountable.

I know for a fact if I were ever unfaithful to my wife, she'd let her dad know. And he's our next door neighbor and I suppose he might shoot me, although he's an elder in our church so maybe he wouldn't do that. Anyway, lots of ways there for him to hold me accountable, even if he doesn't get the gun. She'd also let my dad know, and he doesn't own guns, but might buy one for such an occasion.

That would go for if I were violent or raped her, as well.

Honestly, there are a lot of great things to be said for a marriage where I KNOW my wife would hold me accountable and would NOT keep secret anything shameful or hurtful that I did to her.
Posted By: indiegirl Re: Marital Rape - 10/23/14 07:11 AM
I had the exact same problem with exposure. I thought my dad was going to kill him.

My husband had been having an affair with my best friend, who was grieving her husband's death and he was stealing our money. My dad's what you call handy with his fists, has the temper of a volcano and will consider anything less than a hiding to be 'soft'.

But of course he didn't. He was too worried about me. He wanted to know what I wanted from him. I told him no when he offered violence!

At the end of the day, if he does give him a belting: he will survive it, will have deserved it and it isn't even close to the violence you received.

It will be nothing to do with you if that happens. Your husband knows what happens if he rapes a man's daughter and your father is a grown up who will choose his own reaction and course of action. Trust him to do so.

My husband did break my father's heart. He did - not me. The only way I could have done that is by lying to him or not trusting him with the truth.

A protective father is a wonderful gift in these sad times. Don't lie to and sideline yours.

Posted By: indiegirl Re: Marital Rape - 10/23/14 08:47 AM
Originally Posted by WifeNMother
Sorry I have not been on the forum to respond recently. I asked him to read the article and he said he only reads when he poops.


What a great way of telling you he doesn't conside rape to be much of a biggie. To tell you your assault doesn't matter.

All this 'I'll sleep on the couch' and 'my side' is his way of belittling rape into a disagreement.

Make this a big deal. Make him move out. Make him see what he has done. Make him decide whether he is all in or all out.

Use your father's glowering reaction. Use people's heartbreak to get this done.

He needs to see the destructiveness of what he is doing.
Posted By: Jedi_Knight Re: Marital Rape - 10/23/14 12:00 PM
Originally Posted by WifeNMother
Sorry I have not been on the forum to respond recently. I asked him to read the article and he said he only reads when he poops. Then I asked him if he's read the book and he again said no. He was angry I talked to someone without him getting to tell "his side" even though I have done so anonymously. We had an argument today and I told him I didn't want him coming home and to stay at his parents. He convinced me this would make us both look bad to his family so he is home sleeping on the couch. We were texting and he admitted to having sex when I didn't want to. I texted back that it was rape and reminded him of the violence that he used and he never responded. I texted it so there would be a trail (which sounds paranoid but I don't want it being his word against mine someday). He is acting like nothing is wrong. I guess it is hopeless.

You were advised to separate.
But you keep refusing to follow the advice
Posted By: Prisca Re: Marital Rape - 10/23/14 02:43 PM
Quote
He convinced me this would make us both look bad to his family
No, this would not make YOU look bad. It would make HIM look bad, so he is going to say anything to try to convince you to protect him.

He is manipulating you.
Posted By: Prisca Re: Marital Rape - 10/23/14 02:46 PM
Are you going to expose him?
Are you going to kick him out?

Keep in mind that this is not only to protect you, but to help him. He cannot get help until his deeds are exposed. Exposing him and kicking him out will FORCE him to get help if he wants to keep you.
Posted By: graceful2b Re: Marital Rape - 10/23/14 11:23 PM
Wife and Mother,

The really great thing about Dr Harley's principles and information is he helps simplify our problems and use specific words to advocate for our marriages and respectfully help the individuals within the interdependent relationship.

His comment that his leaving would look bad is a huge red flag that he is mostly worried about managing his own image to others. These rapes are being minimized to you so you will continue in his status quo.

You cannot discuss and negotiate with him. He needs to leave and you need to report him. Contact a shelter. Have a plan in place to leave with the children.
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