Hi all, I�m new to this forum and found it after becoming familiar with His Needs, Her Needs. I hope to share a bit about our situation and see what advice people can offer me for suggestion going forward.

My husband and I have been married for a year and a half. We are both 29. My husband was abused as a child, sexually and physically, by his mother and a neighbor. This went on for years and as a result he suffers from Complex PTSD. Before we got married, he was very open with me about what he had remembered then, and I married him understanding that. At that point though, he thought he had an interest in sex and that he would be able to find a job. Neither of these things have happened. He has not really looked for a job and he was all set to start college, but then panic attacks and anxiety kept him from doing that. He has no interest in sex because he has flashbacks of his abusers. I work 40+ hours a week to support us, along with doing most of the housework. (FYI, we don't have any kids.)

He has been in counseling for about 3 years and is working through these issues, but it�s understandably slow going. I am very dissatisfied with our marriage and I scared myself when I read the initial chapters of His Needs, Her Needs because I can see the early stages of an affair happening in myself! I sing in a band, and the guitar player and I are close friends. I do feel like he meets some of my needs that my husband is unable or unwilling to meet (conversation, recreation). I am aware of this now, so I am trying to be conscious of not having unnecessary contact with him. I don�t have any other friends (no girl friends) so my husband�s friends (who are also my bandmates) are really my only �friends� (all guys).

I guess my main question is what to do when your husband is unable or unwilling to meet your emotional needs. He is not meeting my needs for Honesty & Openness (he tells me what he thinks I wants to hear), Affection, Intimate Conversation, Financial Support, Physical Attractiveness (he is 50+ pounds overweight and doesn�t take care of himself), etc. I feel like our relationship is quite one-sided - that most of my/our energy goes into supporting him and trying to help him be more stable - but that that�s the way it has needed to be.

If I try talk to my husband about anything serious, he often has a panic attack and becomes suicidal very quickly. (His train of thought is something like - �she�s bringing up a problem, I�m the problem, her life will be better without me, I should just kill myself.�) So I�m not sure what to do. I know I don�t meet his needs well either, as I often get frustrated or angry when he has a panic attack and acts irrationally. I�m not sure how to do this better when he doesn�t have the needs of a �typical� man (sex doesn�t matter to him, I�m the one providing financial stability and domestic support, etc.)

I feel like we are getting him all of the help that we can (Primary Care Dr, Psychiatrist, Therapist and Chiropractor (for his back problems)), so I don�t know if I just need to be patient and go with my needs unmet or do something else (I�m not sure what). We tried marriage counseling at one point, but every week it was an emergency session to deal with his emotional problems.

I want to see this marriage succeed but I will admit I�m frustrated with him and with myself. I wish I could do better loving him, but I�m wondering if some of the frustration comes from all of my unmet needs. But I also feel like I should love him and care for him irregardless of what he does for me. Then there's the issue of having kids... we both agreed we wanted kids when we got married but obviously I wouldn't want to bring a kid into this already-bad situation, so I'm frustrated about that too - that his problems will prevent us from ever having a family. (Again, even talking about it causes panic attacks and fighting.)

Thanks for taking the time to read this and I�d be open to suggestions that you have to offer. Thanks!

Gibson, welcome to MB!

First a few questions:
What made you fall in love with your H?
Do you and he have any children?
Is your H on disability or considered disabled?
What does your H do while you're at work?
Does he view porn?

Dr. Harley urgess women whose husbands are unwilling to meet their ENs to separate. Have you discussed HNHN with your H and told him that you would like to have a great marriage with him? Have you respectfully complained about your neglected ENs?

And you're correct about eliminating any close friendships with the opposite sex. This would be standard in any marriage, but in a marriage where your needs are not being met, it's even MORE imperative. Your H shouldn't have to compete with anyone.

LongWayFromHome, thanks for your reply! I'll try to answer your questions below...

What made me fall in love with him is a hard question... we were serving together in our church and became friends that way. I guess I fell in love with the fact that he cared about me, along with his personality of serving others and generally being a fun guy.

We do not have any children (together or otherwise). It's a 1st marriage for both of us.

He is not on disability and I'm not sure if he would technically be considered "disabled." He has not had a full time job since 2009 (before we met), and has worked part time a few places. I've mentioned the idea of him applying for disability, but I'm not sure he would qualify based on my income and that he hasn't worked too much in the past. (2009 was McDonald's.)

What he does while I'm at work depends on the day... he is supposed to be working on our house (ie. installing heating system so we have heat this winter!) and he does that some days, but other days he is too overcome with anxiety or has too many flashbacks to do anything other than lay on the couch and throw up occasionally. Part of his PTSD is having hallucinations so he spends some days just trying to ignore the voices and function.

I'm fairly sure he doesn't view porn now. I believe he used to at some point in the past. I don't think he does now because from what he tells me, physically he has no sex drive (because of medications) and any sexual feelings make him have flashbacks of past sexual abuse.

I mentioned that I got HNHN and showed him last night. But he had been having a rough day so I didn't press it too much. To his mind, I think, any talk of how we could do things better comes as an attack on him that he's not doing good enough and makes him feel guilty. At this point, separation would be extremely detrimental to his health and wellbeing. (Case in point: one night we were fighting and he forbade me to leave the house. I felt physically threatened and ran out with no shoes or phone, just my purse. I drove off as quick as I could because I needed some space and time. He had a massive panic attack and his blood pressure spiked and he ended up with someone else taking him to the ER.) If we're fighting and I even walk near the door (to put something away) he panics and begs me not to leave. (I think this all stems from his being abandoned by both parents at various times in childhood.)

I think I need to find a time to calmly talk to him about the principles in the book and my unmet needs. It will be hard for me to do because my attitude toward him is so poor right now. Any advice on how to "respectfully complain" about neglected ENs?

I'm seeing just how important this is now. I really need to make sure I do this.

You need to verify this, not just rely on what he tells you. Put spyware on your computer and his phone, and then you will know for sure one way or another.

In my time on this board, 100% of the time when a man tells his wife that, the truth has always been that he is having sexual experiences somewhere else without her.

gibson, you need to quit the band and have no contact with the man you are falling in love with. Tell your husband about him.

You need to quit the band you are playing in. You are vulnerable, and spending enjoyable recreational activity time with members of the opposite sex. You have already seen how this has makes you vulnerable.

I have a hard time believing that he is not interested in sex because of flashbacks to abuse as a child. He has been able to use porn. Why did he not have flashbacks while using porn? This does not make sense.

If he used porn, he has a sex drive and he IS interested in it.

Welcome to MB, gibson.

I recommend you write to Dr. Harley. After three yrs of counseling, that your H acts suicidal as you describe is very alarming. How did he function before you met him?

Sorry but I have to wonder if your H is simply manipulating you so that he doesn't have to work and you don't leave him. Someone in EFFECTIVE therapy for three yrs should not be behaving like this IMO. Not only would H be a danger to himself but also to others if he is as bad as you describe.

Why not write to Dr Harley about your concerns? His methods are behavioral and require action steps that help the individuals create an interdependent romantic union. Your husband's mental illness seemingly prevents him from meeting your needs and the needs you are meeting are really dependency needs more then anything.

Questions for Dr Harley :

How do you develop and maintain romantic love when your spouse has a chronic mental illness?

It's difficult to know what H true capacity to function is when his perceptions or his own mental filters may not be registering his true capacity to function in his role as husband etc. How do You get a handle on this so you can set positive boundaries for yourself at what's become an exclusively caregiver role?

What are the hard lines you need to set? For example, when you have attempted to keep yourself safe or differentiate yourself from your the role as caregiver and your husband is seriously triggered ie suicide threat, what should you let your husband know ahead your action step will be? An example, I can imagine I would call an ambulance if my husband talked about suicide. You know have a routine for his anxiety reactions that helps you be less reactive over his anxiety reactions. It's all crazy making more crazy.


Anyway I hope you reach out and write to Dr Harley.

You likely need to check yourself more. Put more responsibility on other provider caregivers and H. The caregiver role can be a serious turnoff for both spouses if it supercedes the relationship. You are likely overfunctioning for others. It's easy to do. You probably need to start seeing your husband's reactions and triggers as selfish demands and disrespectful judgements rather than generalizations about his family of origins stuff. It'd like being psychological prisoners. Again I hope you write Dr Harley for advise.

Thank you all for your responses! It's good to get insight from the outside looking in. I'll try to address many of your comments here...

Prisca & Markos - Regarding H's sex drive, I checked his computer and phone histories and didn't see anything suspicious. Though he did use porn years ago (and obviously had a sexual reaction to it then), I think some important things have changed since then. He was not having flashbacks when he was using porn as he hadn't really started facing all of his childhood issues yet. He takes anti-depressants and medicine for high blood pressure, both of which can affect sexual drive, and he also has many sexual nightmares, which affect him physically.

As far as having no contact with the OM, it would be very difficult to do to have no contact at all. He is one of H's closest friends and spends time at our house; we attend the same small church and Bible study (both with H too), etc. I'm not sure what to do about band but I've mentioned quitting it to H and he supports me staying in (and is aware of my close friendship with OM). As far as what I can do to cut off the relationship, I need to not spend time with him one on one (shopping, motorcycling, etc), not text him, etc. Where no contact would be best, I think this is a step in the right direction.

Markos - your comment about him having sexual experiences somewhere is true - I think in this case it's his rape nightmares. They are a terrible experience and he hates how his body reacts to them but they are a sexual experience nonetheless. I am hoping the doctors can find a medicine or something that lets him get sleep without these terrible nightmares.

Black_Raven - He has been in counseling for about 3 years, but not continuously with a good therapist. The one we have now is really good and is helping, but he went through a period in that 3 years with no therapy after leaving the 1st therapist before finding this one. Before I met him, he functioned better but he also had not remembered a lot of the memories that he is now dealing with. He tried to kill himself a few years before that and has tried a few times lately too. He just feels like his life is going out of control, which is because of the hallucinations, exhaustion, etc. It's not like this all the time but when he's low, he's very low. The cycle seems to be: he doesn't seem well with many nightmares, the hallucinations are worse the next day because of bad sleep, then he's more at risk for panic, etc.

Graceful2b - your comments are really insightful! I do see myself in a caretaker role. We've tried to talk a bit about codependency because I definitely see that in our relationship. Some of my biggest questions are about what he's really capable of and how much he really cannot do (at least right now). I think my next step will be talking to H's therapist to see what she thinks. She is very observant and insightful and will have good input I think. I'll consider writing to Dr. Harley too to get his advice on this.

Thanks again all!

If you do write Dr. H, I think you should provide him a more detailed timeline of events such as the duration of the abuse (H's age at the time), when his latest suicide attempts were etc. That H has tried to off himself multiple times "lately"...be specific as to when "lately" is.

Getting Dr. H's advice is free. It can't hurt to get a second opinion. The severity of your situation goes far beyond marriage counseling. Many prayers to you!!

Thanks black_raven! I appreciate the encouragement and advice.

This is not a plan that will work. As long as you have contact, you are at risk.

Does your husband know of your romantic interests in this man? You are already calling him OM!

It's too little, too late, though, and it certainly can't help your husband's depression and nightmares for one of his close friends to be seen by his wife all the time when she has been attracted to him.

Sure your husband may support you continuing to be around the guy, but that doesn't mean it's a good idea. I have seen hundreds of couples here where husband or wife was enthusiastic about a relationship that eventually became an affair and/or otherwise wrecked the marriage. If your husband studied marital successes and failures he would probably not support such a risk!! You need to get that guy 100% out of your life because as long as you have any contact with him it will damage your feelings for your husband. I suspect it is going to be necessary for you guys to move. Certainly at least change churches.

If your husband supported you having a heroin habit, it still wouldn't be a good idea! This isn't a good idea, either!

Dr. Harley's answer to this question is here:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8111_quit.html
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8111_quit2.html

Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question.

Welcome to MB, Gibson! Wish it could have been under better circumstances.

Your husband seems to have very serious problems.

**EDIT**

I encourage you to contact Dr. Harley asap.

Your husband does have severe problems and I see some red flags in your story:

1. it is obvious from your story, that your husband is using his problems to manipulate you. Threatening suicide is also a form of manipulation.

2. it is very concerning, that your husband was doing better before he was in therapy and before he "remembered" these things about his childhood. This "therapy" is obviously not therapeutic for him and Dr. Harley has warned against therapists who have you "work through" your childhood, which will keep the cash flowing in ongoing eternal therapy.
Apart from that, there is the possibility that very realistic false memories can be introduced by incompetent but goodmeaning therapists, which can induce PTSD even in the absence of a historic traumatic event.

3.
Lying on the couch all day eating potato chips is not going to get your husband to a healty place. His back will not be healed by a chiropractor, as long as he is overweight and not moving. He should get into sports, as this may relieve his back pain, obesity and depression.

4.
You seem to be a good meaning enabler by not holding your husband to a higher standard. What you describe is not a marriage, but a roommate relationship. You could even opt for anullment.

Please read Dr. Harley's articles about sexual aversion and contact the radio show directly to get his expert advice.

God bless

Happyheart