My husband if one of the nicest guy�s you�ll meet. He�s a carpenter and mechanic. He can build you a house, fix your car and do the laundry all in one day. He cares and loves when needed, will help with anything asked. He cannot say no. He takes me where I ask, give me what I ask and lets me go out without question. He will do the laundry, the dishes, housework and wash my car in and out if I ask. He really is amazing, but he is REALLY boring.
This is the point� I have to start everything, I need to ask, to initiate. He won�t do it by himself (unless it is a car, or his job). He is one of those �strong and silent� types, very strong but very silent. He didn�t used to be like this when we met. We are together for 9 years now, married for 5 and have a 5 year old boy� but live with his parents and I�m going insane because of this.
Anytime I confront him and tell him how I feel, he gets upset. He gets mad at me for being mad. A few days ago, I got upset that he broke his promise and told him, a few minutes later he gets annoyed at me and gives me a silent treatment because I was upset. He does this every time. He won�t even try to calm me down or admit he is sorry� just get�s angry at me, even if it�s his fault. A few days later he acts like it never happened.
All he does is come home from work, eats, goes to sleep while I spend the day with our 5 year old, cook, clean, and go to work. I don�t see him trying to be better for us, or at least to show us a good time. I have to FORCE him to go out, or force him to spend time with us. When he does do something, you can see how distraught he is. If it�s a day off for him, he will lay in bed watch TV while I play with our kid. He watches me do all the work and doesn�t even budge. I ask him why and he gets irritated at me for asking.
We went to my friend�s for New Years. I thought it will be a great time, friends, food, etc. All he did the whole night, was sit on a stool and watch the TV. I asked him to get up and pour me a drink and he said he didn�t want to because he was shy. My friends tried to get him to talk but he just answered a few questions and then that�s it. This is every time we go with other people I now believe he has lost a few friends because he is just not interesting. He always just sits there, silent, waiting to be entertained. His �I�m shy� is getting old. I am shy too, but around his friend I try to have a good time.
He didn�t bother giving me any presents for my birthday, Christmas or New Years. I gave him one and all he said was thanks.
Now I just don�t know what to do. This has been building up over the years. He just pulls me down, makes me feel useless and depressed. The other half should at least encourage the other to be better, but recently I feel like I am losing myself. There is no celebration in his life� there is no laugher or happiness around him. He lives with his parents who only work and sleep. No joy, no easiness in his life. All the things that I have loved to do, I don�t want to do anymore. He never comments on my looks, never expresses himself to me. I know he loves me, but saying it won�t hurt. It comes to a point that I don�t want to go anywhere with him anymore because he ruins the trip, makes it depressing or I end up doing all the work. Sometimes it feels like the only reason I am with him is because we have a child together.
He�s a good guy with no balls or backbone. I don�t know what to do anymore. Life with him is not interesting, no intelligent conversations, no challenges. I�m tired of always trying and doing and not being appreciated. I don�t want to leave him, but I don�t want to keep living like this. I want him to appreciate me and do something on his own. I want him to surprise me for once, to make me laugh and make me want to wake up for once. Sometimes I do want to leave, just pack up and move but for some reason I don�t do it. We are still young, I'm 27 and with him I feel like I am 70 years old. We spend Saturday nights at home sleeping by 10pm because he just doesn't feel like doing anything. If he loves me, can he at least try to show me a good time.
Should I give him an ultimatum? Should I just tell him I will leave if he doesn�t change or at least try? Is this what 5 years of marriage looks like, will it get worse from here? Is this it?
Thank you for your time reading this
onyx, you both live with his parents? Why is that?
At first it was because we had a kid and not enough finances to get our own place. They helped greatly with the child. Now he doesn't want to move, even though we can afford it. I desperately want to move, am willing to drop everything now and move. I am guessing he is either scared to start off by himself or he doesn't want to leave his mother. I found a few great places and he won't commit to them.
We went to my friend�s for New Years. I thought it will be a great time, friends, food, etc. All he did the whole night, was sit on a stool and watch the TV. I asked him to get up and pour me a drink and he said he didn�t want to because he was shy. My friends tried to get him to talk but he just answered a few questions and then that�s it. This is every time we go with other people I now believe he has lost a few friends because he is just not interesting. He always just sits there, silent, waiting to be entertained. His �I�m shy� is getting old. I am shy too, but around his friend I try to have a good time.
onyx, I quoted the above because I believe this is the source of your problem and would explain why your husband has completely checked out of your marriage. If you don't turn this behavior around, you will lose him.
Your behavior as described above is why your husband has checked out. His feelings are not being considered when you make decisions and then he is treated disrespectfully by you and his "friends" when he doesn't enjoy things that are foisted upon him.
It sounds like he does not enjoy socializing but is being pushed and badgered into uncomfortable situations. Not only was he not enthusiastic about going to a party, but he has so called "friends" who put him down for being shy. Going to parties and socializing is GRUELING for introverted people.
Your post is replete with things that you have decided he should do followed by your anger when he doesn't follow through. He knows you don't consider his feelings and then treat him with disrespect when he doesn't follow through.
I don�t see him trying to be better for us, or at least to show us a good time. I have to FORCE him to go out, or force him to spend time with us.
- Anytime I confront him and tell him how I feel, he gets upset. He gets mad at me for being mad.
- If it�s a day off for him, he will lay in bed watch TV while I play with our kid. He watches me do all the work and doesn�t even budge. I ask him why and he gets irritated at me for asking.
Can you see why he would rather stay in bed than be with someone who makes his life miserable? You fight with him and "FORCE" him to do things he doesn't want to do.
The solution is to a) stop fighting and b) start using the policy of joint agreement and STOP forcing your own desires on him and take his feelings into account before you do anything.
How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love to Your Marriage
I asked him to get up and pour me a drink and he said he didn�t want to because he was shy. My friends tried to get him to talk but he just answered a few questions and then that�s it.
Are you trash talking your husband with your friends? Why did your friends tell you this?
In addition to MelodyLane's advice, have you read about what Love Busters are on this site?
He's an introvert for goodness sake - the night must have been torture for him!
Do things as a couple and something he actually likes to do. People are boring when they are forced into boring and unpleasant situations.
I see what you mean. The only reason I try to get him to do things is because then he won't do anything at all. I've tried to back away for a while and it turned out to be a few weeks where we sat at home, watching tv and not doing anything even on weekends. Ok, maybe he likes to do that and that is who he is but it's the problem what he doesn't try anything else.
Maybe I'm a bad person who's trying to let him see the world and have some fun. I am part of his life and he should try to make me want to be with him.
No one put him down. They were my friends, but my point there was that when he didn't try to engage in conversation, they just left him alone and didn't bother to speak with him anymore. He's known my friends for 6 or so years so it was no one new.
Thanks for the advise
No trash talking here. Maybe I put that the wrong way. He's known then for over 5 years and there was no one new to him. What I meant was he was silent from when we came in to the end of the night. It was a small get together. The only time he said anything was when they asked him a question. When the question was answered, that was the end of the conversation. I didn't force him to talk, I left him alone.. my friends know him by now that he will do this so they didn't care that he didn't talk.
In addition to MelodyLane's advice, have you read about what Love Busters are on this site?
No, but I will look for it! Thanks!
He�s a good guy with no balls or backbone.
He's also being horribly bullied by his wife.
You should encourage him to say no more instead of punishing it.
No trash talking here. Maybe I put that the wrong way. He's known then for over 5 years and there was no one new to him. What I meant was he was silent from when we came in to the end of the night. It was a small get together. The only time he said anything was when they asked him a question. When the question was answered, that was the end of the conversation. I didn't force him to talk, I left him alone.. my friends know him by now that he will do this so they didn't care that he didn't talk.
Did you make sure he was enthusiastic before going?
No one's saying drop the issue. We're just saying stop using this method.
...lets me go out without question.
Where are you going out to?
Welcome to MB
He's an introvert for goodness sake - the night must have been torture for him!
Do things as a couple and something he actually likes to do. People are boring when they are forced into boring and unpleasant situations.
lol get two introverts into a room and that would be us. I am one as well, but not as much as him.
We do couple things. I once got him those exotic car driving experiences. He was head over heels happy. I planned an Atlantic City trip for the 2 of us, a cruise, camping, he loves all the things... but with him he makes it boring.
Not like he doesn't like those things and didn't want to do them.HE told me he loved it and so on. When we actually do the events, it's nothing interesting with him. Silent dinners, walking around not even saying a word... you get the point
I see what you mean. The only reason I try to get him to do things is because then he won't do anything at all. I've tried to back away for a while and it turned out to be a few weeks where we sat at home, watching tv and not doing anything even on weekends. Ok, maybe he likes to do that and that is who he is but it's the problem what he doesn't try anything else.
Maybe I'm a bad person who's trying to let him see the world and have some fun. I am part of his life and he should try to make me want to be with him.
IT does not sound like he is having fun at all. Do you think he would be the better judge of what is fun for him? Do you see this approach is working against you ?
Here is the definition of a disrespectful judgment:
A disrespectful judgment occurs whenever one spouse tries to impose a system of values and beliefs on the other. When a husband tries to force his point of view on his wife, he's just asking for trouble. When a wife assumes that her own views are right and her husband is woefully misguided -- and tells him so -- she enters a minefield.
In most cases, a disrespectful judgment is simply a sophisticated way of getting what one spouse wants from the other. But even when there are the purest motives, it's still a stupid and abusive strategy. It's stupid because it doesn't work, and it's abusive because it causes unhappiness. If we think we have the right -- even the responsibility -- to impose our view on our spouses, our efforts will almost invariably be interpreted as personally threatening, arrogant, rude, and incredibly disrespectful. That's when we make sizable withdrawals from the Love Bank.
That strategy only pushes him away and makes your marriage very incompatible. He has all but checked out.
No one put him down. They were my friends, but my point there was that when he didn't try to engage in conversation, they just left him alone and didn't bother to speak with him anymore. He's known my friends for 6 or so years so it was no one new.
He was criticized for not talking to them. Your friends should not be criticizing your husband and you should certainly not be talking about him to them.
If you want to bring your husband back into the marriage, then you need to apologize for FORCING him to do things, getting angry with him and for criticizing him for not being friendly. I am sure you are probably an extrovert but you need to understand that introverts like very little socializing. It makes them miserable. And he sounds very miserable with you.
...lets me go out without question.
Where are you going out to?
Welcome to MB
I meant like lunch dates with friends and girls night out, etc ("go out")
Thanks
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Did you make sure he was enthusiastic before going?
Yea, he said he wanted to.
[/quote]
He was not enthusiastic about it. I can tell he is in the habit of being "FORCED" into doing things he doesn't want to do. Do you see how reluctant agreements backfire on you?
He's an introvert for goodness sake - the night must have been torture for him!
Do things as a couple and something he actually likes to do. People are boring when they are forced into boring and unpleasant situations.
lol get two introverts into a room and that would be us. I am one as well, but not as much as him.
We do couple things. I once got him those exotic car driving experiences. He was head over heels happy. I planned an Atlantic City trip for the 2 of us, a cruise, camping, he loves all the things... but with him he makes it boring.
Not like he doesn't like those things and didn't want to do them.HE told me he loved it and so on. When we actually do the events, it's nothing interesting with him. Silent dinners, walking around not even saying a word... you get the point
Find out what he enjoys. And stop calling him boring. He is also bored with some of the events that you plan, such as the NY's party.
We can teach you both how to be interesting companions on your dates. But you have to start by stopping with the disrespect and the CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR.
So I'm realizing that i'm forcing him all the time... I agree.
Ok, so I will stop and let him do his own thing. But what do I do when all he likes to do is be a homebody?
I feel bad for making him do things that he won't like. What should I do when I'll then be stuck at home with him in silence all day? I won't stay sane anymore
...lets me go out without question.
Where are you going out to?
Welcome to MB
I meant like lunch dates with friends and girls night out, etc ("go out")
Thanks
You go out at night partying without him?
So I'm realizing that i'm forcing him all the time... I agree.
Ok, so I will stop and let him do his own thing. But what do I do when all he likes to do is be a homebody?
No, I don't mean for him to do his "own thing." I mean for you to start working with him to find things to do that you enjoy together. It sounds to me like he avoiding you which is what a spouse does when they are being controlled. Find things to do that you BOTH LOVE and then clean up your behavior so you can both enjoy each others company.
I feel bad for making him do things that he won't like. What should I do when I'll then be stuck at home with him in silence all day? I won't stay sane anymore
Find a THIRD alternative.
...lets me go out without question.
Where are you going out to?
Welcome to MB
I meant like lunch dates with friends and girls night out, etc ("go out")
Thanks
You go out at night partying without him?
That's not al the time, but on the rare occasion. I tried to take him with me, he hated it, so I didn't force him. He hates going out, so he lets me. It was like our little agreement.
Sometimes it feels like the only reason I am with him is because we have a child together.
He may feel the same way. His reluctance to move out of his parent's house may be because of that...that he's unhappy and doesn't want to invest more.
You have a number of problems going on.
Are you two affectionate with one another?
Where are you going on a girls' night out?
[
That's not al the time, but on the rare occasion. I tried to take him with me, he hated it, so I didn't force him. He hates going out, so he lets me. It was like our little agreement.
That should stop immediately. Going out like a single girl is a disaster to marriages. It creates incompatibility, emotional detachment and often leads to affairs. You are at a high risk of having an affair as it is.
You go out at night partying without him?
That's not al the time, but on the rare occasion. I tried to take him with me, he hated it, so I didn't force him. He hates going out, so he lets me. It was like our little agreement.
How very hurtful.
That's why he says yes when he wants to say no.
You've made it perfectly clear a night out is far more important than your marriage.
lol going out to me is going to get a beer and getting home before 11pm, or going to a friend's house for dinner. I'm not even interested i affairs. Would rather stay single if I ever was.
Nobody is 'interested in affairs'
However there are men there who value the same interests you do while you purposely put distance between yourself and your husband.
You're not seeking an affair, just sleepwalking into one.
Even if you were not your husband must be aware that you view him as boring and the people at the bar as better.
They are your priority over him.
I'll try talking to him. Guess my way is just controlling him and I never realized it. Never wanted that. Maybe he doesn't like it and so he's closing off. I'l see what happens after our conversation. Thank you everyone for taking your time to help me
You could easily sell him on this plan and ask him to meet your need for interesting conversation.
It's extremely common for women to have that need but not men.
If he no longer had to endure some of this stuff he would probably be very motivated to try.
He didn�t used to be like this when we met. We are together for 9 years now, married for 5 and have a 5 year old boy� but live with his parents and I�m going insane because of this.
Have you two ever lived on your own? Based on this ^^^ it looks like you started dating at 18 and either went straight (or pretty close) to his parent's house with a child. Did you live together before you married?
lol going out to me is going to get a beer and getting home before 11pm, or going to a friend's house for dinner. I'm not even interested i affairs. Would rather stay single if I ever was.
This is what people say who have affairs. They are the most vulnerable because they believe they are immune.
Part of the reason you and your husband are so very detached is because you lead an independent lifestyle.
He didn�t used to be like this when we met. We are together for 9 years now, married for 5 and have a 5 year old boy� but live with his parents and I�m going insane because of this.
Have you two ever lived on your own? Based on this ^^^ it looks like you started dating at 18 and either went straight (or pretty close) to his parent's house with a child. Did you live together before you married?
not really, never had the chance to
Did you read the information on love Busters yet?
Did you read the "How to create your own plan" thread that was posted to you?