I was a 29 (turning 30) year old virgin when I met my girlfriend 5 years ago. I did not date much and only had one short term non-sexual relationship (3-4 months) prior to meeting her. I was "waiting for the one", as rare or unbelievable as it may sound for a 30 year old male. Suffice it to say, I was very inexperienced when it came to anything sexual. She, on the other hand, was much more experienced than myself. Several months into my relationship, I felt like she was the one and I could/would lose my virginity to her. I had sex with her for the first time after three months of dating, which she said was TOO LONG. It was an interesting experience to say the least.

Anyways, about two weeks after our first intimate experience, her dad was diagnosed with brain cancer. This led her into depression and her sex drive dropped to zero. She still said that she wanted sex, but I didn't think she was very receptive so nothing ever happened. I stuck by her side the entire time her dad was going through chemo (and eventually passed away). I felt like I had to stay by her side to support her no matter what because I loved her so much. Throughout this entire 10 month roller coaster, we did not have sex very much and this set the stage for the rest of our relationship. We did not have sex very often... (maybe once every several months?).

All I ever felt towards her was love and I asked her to marry me three years into our relationship. It was the perfect proposal and she said "YES". For all intents and purposes, our relationship was perfect except for the fact that we never had sex. This was a constant struggle for both of us, especially her.

Flash-forward to our honeymoon. We spent two weeks in Paris and never once had sex. We finally had sex a couple months after the honeymoon, but then returned to a sexless relationship. I did not know how to cope or deal with the situation. Being intimate is so confusing to me at this point. Any time I try to be intimate with my wife, she goes cold and unresponsive. Then I lose my erections and confidence. Maybe it's my imagination and I'm thinking too hard about the situation?

10 months into our marriage, my wife told me that she wanted a divorce. I totally didn't see that coming. For the next 4 months, I was miserable, went to therapy for sexual & marriage counseling, and eventually convinced my wife to go to marriage therapy with me. She reluctantly agreed to join therapy, and it was never pleasant. The therapist basically told us to start going on dates and things would click. Things seemed to be improving the last two months while we were working on things together. We still hadn't had sex, and it was frustrating her behind the scenes (unbeknownst to me).

I guess her frustration finally reached its tipping point this week and my wife asked me to move out and to file for divorce. I'm out of town for business and don't know what to do. We had a long text conversation last night because she won't speak to me. The gist of the text conversation was that we're not having sex. She "gave me a choice of either sex or divorce, and I chose divorce."

I'd like to speak to her in person to try and sort things out, but I don't think she'll be receptive. From my perspective, I've done nothing but try to work on our sexual relations but am constantly rebuffed.

With all that being said, is there any way to save the marriage at all? Should I just move out because she requested it and give up this struggle? Maybe I can move out for a month and let her cool down, then come back and try to work things out once again? I would like to save this marriage, but our constant arguments about not having sex is heavily wearing me down to the point of exhaustion.

Welcome to Marriage Builders Whitespot. You have won the lottery by showing up here. You might actually be able to save your marriage.

Having lived in your wife's shoes for far too long, I think that I can offer some suggestions.

Dr. Harley helped us resolve this problem and many others.

In order to solve this problem, one thing you will need to do is to never have a sexual experience unless it's with your wife. That includes no masturbation. Is that something that you can do from now on?

Is there any possibility your wife is having an affair?

It is unusual for a woman who is unhappy in her marriage to be reluctant to seek help for it. If you are offering her opportunities to seek help and she is refusing them, it leads me to believe she is having an affair.

How long have you been married?
Does she enjoy the sex she has with you?

Hi everyone, thanks for the responses.

Didn't Quit: When we started marriage therapy about 4 months ago, I told her that I wouldn't masturbate any longer and I didn't. This past week I was out of town for work and she texted me to tell me that she wanted me to move out when I got back home. I tried to reason with her, but she ignored my calls and we ended up with a nasty text conversation where she accused me of being gay, asexual, or just not attracted to her. (None of that is true). Anyways, I was depressed and ended up masturbating just to feel something. I have to admit that I have my part to blame in all of this. If you've ever watched "Forgetting Sarah Marshall", I feel like the Christian kid on honeymoon with his wife. He was so confused about sex and Russell Brand was there to help. At this point in time, she is frustrated beyond belief and wants me OUT of the house. I don't know what to do. Just 15 minutes ago, she drove the point home again that she wanted me out of the house and then left the house. I told her that I am NOT leaving and I want to work this out one last time. This is the one and only time I've ever been assertive about this not moving out. I've always just conceded to her wishes in the past. Anyways, I'm contemplating moving out for a month or two to see if it would temper the waters, but am very hesitant to do so.

Unwritten: There's no possibility that my wife is having an affair. I work at home and she's a stay at home wife (no kids). We never leave each others' side. However, we did have an argument last night and her exact words were: "I want a divorce and out of this relationship. If I stay any longer, I will probably cheat on you and I don't want to because I have morals."

Jedi Knight: We've been married for 1 year and 5 months. The last time she "enjoyed sex with me" was before marriage. Since we've been married, we've only had sex a handful of times and she does not get in the mood for it. She always says I'm goofy, not romantic, or too immature for sex. I'm always baffled by what she means.

Hey, you said you never leave sides but you leave town for work? That makes no sense. You'll need to investigate. I suggest you also speak with Dr. Harley regarding sex and the overall issue.

.


Confused...

Sorry for the confusion. I guess I wasn't thinking too much when I replied with that response. I really meant that there are very few possibilities for her to have an affair.

Yes, I have to travel for work every once in awhile, (i.e. once or twice a year). When I do travel, it's usually for a couple days at a time and she hangs out with the mother in-law.

However, I had to travel to Colorado for work for a month recently and took my wife along with me for two of the four weeks.

Week 1-2: She stayed in the hotel M-F, then I took sight-seeing and hiking during the weekends.

She flew home by herself the middle of week 3 (because it was a 3-day weekend for me).

Then week 4 was this past week where she texted me and told me to move out.

Hope that clears some confusion.

Thanks for the clarification. I just read all of your thread and wonder why she does not want to have sex with you? What is her explanation? Will she be open with you about your ability to please her? Has she had her hormones tested by a doctor?

Well if she enjoyed sex with you before marriage and that hates it after marriage i think she has buyers remorse and regrets getting married.
Did you have a long engagement?
Did you have pre marital counseling?
Or was it more on the spur of the moment thing?

Does she talk to any of her former boyfriends?

Jedi Knight: I should note that she enjoyed sex "when we had it" before our marriage. It was not consistent, and very much less than she preferred. We had sex once/twice a month on the off-chance things were going good; the frequency was usually less, though.

She stated that it was a mistake getting married. We were engaged for 9 months. We also had therapy 3 months before the wedding which came out of the blue. She walked up to me, took off the engagement ring, and gave me an ultimatum that we go to therapy together and solve our sex issues or else the wedding was off. We seemed to be improving 2 months in, and then went forward with the marriage. Of course, our wedding night came and no sex because we were both so tired from a 16-hour wedding day. Then our honeymoon came and I was always too tired to have sex due to the amount of walking we did every day. This caused a lot of regret, and she even told me one night during our honeymoon that she "didn't know what to do now, and that [she] wanted a divorce."

I think the emotions run too deep to recover at this point. I feel like a failure, and am losing hope that I can ever have a happy marriage being that this sex issue has gone on for so long. Am I wrong to think this?

*Edit: I should also note that through all of her demands that she's miserable and I NEED to move out, she still wears her wedding ring everyday. She takes them off at night when she takes a shower and proactively puts them on after she washes her face and brushes her teeth. Might this mean that she is speaking mean and harsh words out of frustration and that there's still love? I am so confused.

Well, you need to investigate for an affair. But to be honest, I think many women would also suspect homosexuality or asexuality at such a lack of sex. No sex on a two week honeymoon, or even months later? That is really incredible and she must feel so terribly withdrawn.

Have you seen a doctor?

Sir she obviously has a high sex drive.
She may place sex as one of her top emotional needs.
In his book, Fall in Love Stay in Love, Dr. Harley explains how to please a woman sexually.
I suggest you read that Chapter (soemone may be able to post excerpts, as i dont have a copy and and going off of memory) but its science.

Do you try to initiate sex with your wife? Foreplay? Seduction ? If she complains that you are too immature i get the impression you are just asking her to have sex.
I also encourage you to watch Cary Grant movies and Humphrey Bogart movies. Learn how to romantically seduce your wife

Dr Harley has a lot of experience with sex issues.
You can email him for advice: mbradio@marriagebuilders.com

Thank you for the constructive feedback Jedi Knight.

Yes, she says she places sex as her top emotional need, and I don't think I ever came close to satisfying that. I try foreplay and seduction, but it always comes off wrong. She says that I "just tell her I want sex 20 minutes before and expect [her] to be ready". I was always baffled by her response because what she perceives as a spur of the moment request is something I've been thinking about all day. I guess I am just not in tune with the seduction aspect of things.

I'll check out "Fall in Love Stay in Love". But honestly, I think everything I do might be too little too late because it seems like she's checked out of the relationship already.

Would you please answer this?

A woman needs to feel an Emotional connection with a man to want to have sex.

Have you seen this?
The question of the ages:How can a husband receive the sex he needs in marriage?

I am confused as to who it is that is stopping you from having sex. Your first couple of posts made it seem as if she is not enthusiastic. But since then, it appears it is her #1 EN and you are not enthusiastic about it.

Do either of you instigate? It would seem if she is preparing to divorce you for a lack of sex, she would be trying to have sex at some point, and being rejected by you. Or is she also not trying and is more wanting you to court her and instigate?

Are you concerned about meeting this need for her? What have you done to get over your 'confusion' about sex and meet this need?

Yes, I've seen a doctor.

I requested a testosterone check from my family doctor and that came back with normal levels.


I should also note that I was experiencing ED issues. My first doctor prescribed ED pills and said that they would boost confidence.

I also went to a urologist at the suggestion of my doctor. The urologist said that all of my issues were psychosomatic and stress/anxiety induced, and also prescribed me some ED pills.

The pills did boost my confidence for a little while, but that didn't last long because I could never get my wife into the mood for actual sex.

I have tried over and over to meet her need. However, she's not receptive. My attempts come off in her words as "goofy, immature, etc". She does not, will not, and feels like she should not have to initiate sex. She is in the latter category of wanting me to court her and initiate. I'm fine with that, but I'm just confused in general. I take her out to nice dinners, activities, etc, and it never ends with sex. The transition from awesome date to intimacy just doesn't happen for some reason.




I'm 100% concerned with meeting this need. I've seen doctors, I started going to marriage counseling, and I've read books. I've done everything she has asked me to do with an open mind.

Are you going to email Dr. Harley?

Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question.

What are you doing on your awesome dates?

There is a required 15 hours of UA (Undivided Attention) time to maintain love, and 20-25 to create love. Are you spending at least 15 hours of time courting/dating a week? These hours should be undivided attention, meaning, watching a movie does not qualify. Riding in the car while talking on the phone to someone else, does not qualify. They should be filling the 4 intimate emotional needs: RC (recreational companionship), AF (affection), IC (intimate conversation), and SF (which is I know why you are here). Is the time you are spending filling at least the other 3 needs?

I ask this because Dr Harley often says that SF often falls into place when a couple is meeting the other needs and is in love.

It sounds like the way in which you are attempting to meet her need is not working. And by this I mean the way you are courting her and/or instigating SF. Does she communicate with you the way in which she would like to be courted/warmed up for SF?

If she says your attempt is goofy or immature, ask her how she would like you to attempt. You can use her information to do it differently the next time.

This post leads me to believe that your wife is not frustrated with the ED, as much as she is frustrated with the lack of or way in which you court her. I would continue the ED medication while you work on the ways that you court her, so that if/when the opportunity for SF occurs you are able to satisfy her need. But you need to simultaneously work on the 'getting there' part which is the bigger issue.

Thanks. Yes, I do plan on emailing Dr. Harley later tonight.



Awesome dates: "Awesome dates" were her words. She specifically said multiple times she's frustrated that we were "going on awesome and romantic dates that never end with sex." As an example of one of our dates, we went on an Art Walk, looked at art, drank wine, held hands, kissed, talked about art and how fun the night was, etc. It was romantic. However, nothing happened when we got home and the night basically just ended with me kissing her good night in bed and both of us falling asleep.

UA: I do believe that we are spending at least 15 hours of UA time each week already. When I started seeing my therapist, she told us to go do activities together and things will just "click" eventually. Since then, we starting geocaching together, dance classes, hiking, going on dinner dates, etc. All these activities allow us to talk, and I constantly ask her if she's "having fun" and she responds with a "yes" every single time with a smile and a kiss.

AF: I don't think this is an issue from my part, unless I'm mistaken. (A lot of what has been said here so far leads me to question my own perception of things). I give her hugs and kisses many times a day. Earlier in the year when she was frustrated with the lack of SF, she told me "stop kissing me. why do you want to kiss me ALL the time." I scaled back my kissing by about half as a result. (I would kiss her in the morning after making her coffee and breakfast, random times during the day since I work from home, at night when we sit on the couch watching tv, before we went to sleep, etc). Also, there were times she told me out of frustration that she feels nothing when I kiss her now, and that it's like when her brother kisses her. Nowadays, she gives me the forehead half of the time when I lean in to give her a kiss.

IC: I'm going to admit that I'm not sure if we have IC. We talk about things like what we want to do this weekend, birthdays that are coming up, friends and what they are up to, etc. We rarely, if ever, argue. The 4 points of good conversation that Dr. Harley pointed out seems to be everything that we have. We have none of the negative 4 points either.

Sir getting information out of you is like squeezing a lemon.
You are the classic exit door patient who after the exam, walking out the door, says, Oh BTW doctor my penis has turned purple for a few months.

You didn't post you have ED until recently. That is obviously a major change from your wife not enjoying sex.

Is there anything else you are not posting?
If so please do it now.

At this point, I suggest you set up a session with Steve Harley.
Would your wife be willing to speak with him?

Sorry for the confusion. I mentioned it briefly in my original post. I had erections when trying to be intimate, then lost my confidence and erections when I saw that my wife was not interested in bed. This started after the honeymoon. At first I didn't think anything of it, but then it became an issue. I eventually went to my doctor for a check up and he said my testosterone levels were normal. Then told me that I had anxiety and/or confidence levels and gave me pills to help. I then went to see a urologist who basically said the same thing.


I don't know if she would be open to talking to any more people. She looks like she's determined to divorce and isn't even talking to me right now.

I just re-read my original post, and I guess I am leaving something out.

I submitted this post while I was still out of town. Since then, I flew back home on Friday and tried to talk to her. She was insistent that I move out and kept asking me, "have you found a place to move yet?" She asked for the third time on Saturday morning and I finally lost it and told her, "I told you already! I'm not moving out. I want to try and work on this ONE MORE TIME! IF IT DOESN'T WORK THEN I WILL GIVE YOU A DIVORCE." (I have never lost my temper like this and feel really bad). That was Saturday morning. She has not talked to me since then and is completely avoiding me. I try to talk to her, but she ignores everything I say and doesn't respond. (I even made her a pot of coffee yesterday morning before she woke up. The first thing she did was dump it and furiously made a new pot.)

It's a very hostile environment right now. I even spotted her looking for divorce lawyers on her ipad.

Not sure if any of that is relevant, but I'm posting it anyways.

Do you look at porn?

I would look at adding affection into the mix of what happens on those dates, because for most women sex needs to happen in an environment of affection.

I would also look at becoming more sexually flirtatious during the date. That can be tricky to get right and will probably be awkward for you for awhile and your wife might be very judgmental about it until you get it right, but I would make it clear during those dates that you intend to finish this evening with a sexual experience with her. Don't be crude or demanding - be flirtatious.

It sounds to me like when you initiate sex she feels like it's just being dropped on her out of the blue. Sex for women has to be a part of the romantic relationship and she has to feel connected to you. It doesn't matter that you've been thinking about it all day - you need to treat her in a way that makes her love bank feel full to brimming so that she feels connected to you.

And for goodness sakes don't lose your temper with her. You can't afford love bank withdrawals like that if you want her feelings toward sex with you to change.

You don't feel as bad as she does.
Losing your temper is a sure-fire way of destroying any love she might have left for you. If you want to recover your marriage, you must never, ever do this again regardless of what she says to you.

Stop and do it now instead of posting on a message board.

How much do you travel?

How proactive are you in general? Does she usually plan dates or do you?

Whitespot,
Sorry I have been away...

I have a hunch that your urologist and doctor are wrong. A quick search done on the internet will show from multiple sources that men who have low normal blood levels need more testosterone to function properly and feel healthy. When your drive is healthy, you will forego sleep in order to have sex.

Can you please call and have your doctors send you copies of the labs? You need to know your total and free testosterone levels. Can you find out that number please? You NEED to know what it was.

Also- Please be honest- Have you had a long term habit of porn and masturbation? That causes ED.

One thing is for sure- a woman knows when her man wants her. He usually pushes a bit by trying to get to the "next base". Do you really crave her? Are you left wanting passionate sex after your date or do you feel ambivalent?

Another point is that if your wife thinks that your levels are normal, then where is her hope of a change?

I agree with the others who made suggestions about affection and intimate conversation etc... But for a woman who is frustrated by lack of sex, what she wants is to be DESIRED. A confused man has trouble DESIRING something without a strong craving for it. Of course, rejection and performance anxiety add to the problem.

However, once you get testosterone levels up a bit, your cravings, stamina, and ability to function during the act improve, and your anxiety will be overridden by the craving.

From there, consistent, imperfect but positive experiences are all you NEED to improve things progressively. Am I making sense to you Whitespot?

Have you ever asked your wife point blank, "What turns you on?"

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