Marriage Builders
Posted By: Andys Feeling confused & empty - 11/25/15 09:55 PM
Hi there. I'm new to the site and feeling rather overwhelmed by all the information. My wife, of 21 years told me recently that she doesn't want to have sex anymore. She feels uncomfortable when I touch her and has no sex drive or desire. I've known that things have been difficult for her for some time and I've never forced her to have sex if she doesn't want to. She said that she does it so that she doesn't feel guilty. I always manage to give her an orgasm, which she does enjoy but the affection I show is never really returned. This always makes me feel disappointed because I try really hard to make her feel comfortable and enjoy the experience. I'm talking about normal sex here. Nothing strange. Sometimes I give her a massage which is nice but it's always me making the effort. There's no concept of wanting to share. I'm a naturally huggy person and my wife is more reserved.

I need to say that my wife is 10 years older than me. On a daily basis we get on fine. We hardly ever argue and enjoy each others company. We do work together from home which can be stressful but we both have different outside leisure activities so it sort of works really. And oh yes we live in France. We both speak French well but hers is better.

Anyway, she found your site and suggested I take look. I've read through the starting pages and agree that your advice makes sense and is clearly explained. I moved onto the Basic concepts and at some point around here you mention your emotional needs questionnaire. I downloaded it to take a look. This is the point where I sort of freaked out. I don't know if I can do this!!! I feel like my wife is trying to control me in some way and then that just brings up a whole host of other emotions that I find very difficult to deal with. I had about 2 hours sleep last night, I just couldn't get this out of my head. I don't really know what my question is, I just want the emptiness and pain I feel inside to go away.
Thanks Andy


Posted By: FightTheFight Re: Feeling confused & empty - 11/25/15 10:27 PM
Hi Andy. Take a look at this article. At first it may not seem like the answer you might have been looking for, but come back here and ask some questions after reading it.

The question of the ages
Posted By: markos Re: Feeling confused & empty - 11/25/15 10:36 PM
Hi, Andy,

Any woman long term will lose interest in sex if her emotional needs are not met. That is because most women need to feel in love with their husband in order to feel interested in sex. I've watched my wife lose and gain interest in sex many times in our marriage because we had a LOT of ups and downs where she fell in and out of love with me before I learned to meet her emotional needs effectively.

Yes, meeting a woman's emotional needs is much more complicated that meeting a man's emotional needs. But in a sense it is simple. If she will give you the time, spend fifteen hours a week with her talking with her enjoyably and having a good time together. That's probably exactly what you did when you were dating, and what got her to fall in love with you in the first place. Just go back to doing that.

I would suggest reading Dr. Harley's article on this site about "friends and enemies of good conversation" and reviewing it every day until you are doing it well and she is in love with you. Better yet, read the updated version of this information out of His Needs Her Needs. Conversation is one of the most important emotional needs for almost all women.
Posted By: Andys Re: Feeling confused & empty - 11/26/15 08:06 AM
Thank you for your reply. I'll take a look.
Posted By: Andys Re: Feeling confused & empty - 11/26/15 08:21 AM
Thank you Markos for your feedback. I will take a look at your suggestions. At least I slept last night.
My thoughts are swinging from 'To hell with it all, if she wants to split up and destroy everything then so be it' to 'I want to give her a hug and tell her I love her so much'. Not really conducive to running a business together or just trying to live life come to that...
Thanks again.
Posted By: markos Re: Feeling confused & empty - 11/28/15 08:00 PM
It's up to you, Andy. If you want to move on from her that's certainly your choice. But as I mentioned, if you want to find happiness with a woman down the road some day, you will find that she and your wife are typical women: in order to feel sexual desire, they need to have their emotional needs met successfully.

The plan here from Dr. Harley works great to turn situations like this around.
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