Today, my husband learned that his son from prior marriage, age 26, was arrested on a bench warrant (so called because instead of police obtaining arrest warrant, the judge issues said warrant from the bench when a defendant fails to appear in court when summonsed). This is a holiday weekend, so no court on Monday.
My stepdaughter, 24, messaged her dad asking for her brother's bail money. He said sorry, it's not possible. My SD said it was not fair that her mom always had to bail her brother out, Dad should pay, too, my kids aren't his, yada yada.
No, her mom shouldn't be the one stuck bailing her brother out: in fact, had he gotten a dose of tough love earlier, he would not be continuing to get arrested.
Yes, I'll give her that my kids are just stepkids to him, but he is choosing to raise them (bio-dad is absent and not good to be around them). And my kids have never been in trouble with the law.
Her attitude seems to be that her dad should pay the bail money and would if it were not for me, the evil ogre. Even my mother-in-law is taking her grandchildren's side, insisting my husband pay. Btw, his kids are all grown and have kids of their own.
Well, it's not feasible, and even if it were, the answer would not change. DH and I talked it over and don't want to reward irresponsible or reckless behavior.
It just hurts to be cast as the villain in this drama and see my husband upset. What to do to support him and withstand this?

It would be immoral to ENABLE this GROWN MAN who made a choice to go to jail. He CHOSE to go to jail by not appearing in court, so let him enjoy the fruits of his choices. That is what a loving father would do. It is not compassionate to enable your ADULT children's destructive decisions.

Sometimes it hurts doing the right thing and operating from a place of principles. But you don't have to join the chorus of enablers.

It just kills me that my husband, who wants to teach his adult son right, is being heaped with guilt by a person who should back him up: his mother.
Why should we, who have behaved responsibly, sacrifice necessities to appease his daughter, or to do for an irresponsible son what he should do for himself?

I think that letting stepson experience some pain now will deter repeat behavior and prevent greater pain later.

It is in his best interest to go to jail. That was a choice he made by not showing up in court.

100%, Melody. I am more concerned with his becoming a decent, responsible member of society. And my stepson has a small daughter that he needs to set an example for.

I wouldn't bail my biological children out of jail, much less stepchildren.

Not sure why stepdaughter thinks that it's the responsibility of her mother or her father to bail a child out of jail. Does she believe her brother is innocent? Does she believe the law he violated is unjust?

I can't even understand the worldview that thinks bailing a grown child out of jail is a responsibility of parenting.

I had to spend a small portion of my adult life with no contact with my parents because they wanted to be disrespectful to me about decisions my wife and I were making.

Based on what markos has written, I think that, having read the several posts you have made about your disrespectful, entitled, rude, difficult ADULT stepchildren, it is WAY past time that you and your husband spend a period of time in no contact with them. The period should be indefinite. You should wait for them to go to you, saying that they will not treat you with disrespect ever again.

The charge was assault and battery. His mom was the complainant.

And today, when DH and I went to a local Dunkin for our coffee, his mom was there, dragging her friends into our family business and they were ganging up on him to acquiesce and bail his son out. He refused. MIL threw in the "her kids aren't your real kids." I retorted that mine had never been in trouble with the law, and she left DH an angry voice message that I was putting him down. I didn't see it that way, just as me stating facts because I do not hold him responsible for his adult children's decisions.
She threatened to strike me right in the restaurant. DH defended me. MIL's friend said, "That's your mother!" As if it gives her license to behave outrageously.
Also found she has been spreading rumors that my teen boys were taken away by the state, when truth is that I agreed to placement for older boy because he needs round the clock care that is difficult to provide at home, and the younger boy is struggling with behavioral issues, but homecoming is still the goal. He is with me every weekend and holiday. We bring him to church and give him lots of attention mixed with loving discipline. It was never a case of maltreatment or neglect.
DH and I ended up leaving. We didn't want the drama.

Has he been arrested more than once? And your SS's Mom is the person who bailed him out before and now this time she is the complainant off his most recent charge? Do i understand this correctly?

When you have people like this making constant drama in your life, the solution is to make and enforce a new rule that people aren't in your life who do this stuff.

How does your husband feel about doing that?

I see that you've posted here about this exact same issue (your stepson being jailed and your stepdaughter demanding bail money from your husband, and disrespecting you), and you've received advice on this. You have even written to Dr Harley and received advice from him. Adult Stepdaughter Disrespected My Husband

Therefore, I can't understand how you can still be dealing with this same issue. The kids are adults, and they disrespect you and their father. It's time to cut ties with them. And as for brawling with his mother in a Dunkin Donut...why didn't you just walk away when you walked in (or she walked in)? Why did you let your interactions develop for so long that you ended up yelling about whose kids were the worst? How is that civilised behaviour?

I posted to you earlier today, and you replied to me, but your reply did not address anything I said. It merely gave details of the charge, and the fact that the complainant was the boy's mother. I don't understand how that is a response to my post.

Are you going to take the advice that you've been offered so far?

Sugarcane, we have decided to distance ourselves until they choose to behave respectfully. DH even put his foot down with his mother that she needs to be respectful.
To clarify, I did not yell when I said my kids had never been in trouble.
I understand brawling to mean physical altercation, which I have never engaged in. After I said my piece, I walked to the back of the restaurant, then waited for hubby to join me. They kept stressing him out. We left together because there was no way we were getting any peace as long as we stayed.
In retrospect, I probably never should have said anything to my MIL.

I was not deliberately dodging your question, Sugarcane.
I apologize for my negligence in responding. You're right to hold my feet to the fire.

@BrainHurts, you understand correctly.

@Markos, my husband and I talked it over and he told me he that anyone who stirs up drama in our lives will find themselves unwelcome. Either they choose be respectful and supportive, or we do not engage.
I am also going to get my coffee at a different location from here on ( I live in an urban area with several Dunkins) to avoid any unpleasantness.

What does "do not engage" mean, exactly? If you continue to have contact with people you will not be able to resist engaging.

What does "distance" mean?

I listened to your radio show and you had said you wanted no contact. Is that what happened? How did you get from no contact back to contact? Did your H resume contact with your agreement (POJA)?

I think if you don't flush this out better, you're going to keep running into the same problems since it sounds like your H's kids and in-laws are looking to create problems in your M.

Agreed. He loves his kids, but not the bad behavior. Contact goes off during conflict, then back on. It turns out that the son's mother bailed him out again (her choice and not our problem), and that my MIL and SD were more upset about his being locked up than he was.
It seems hard for DH to let go of family members. We're going to have to have an intensive POJA discussion about dealing with difficult relatives. Freedom to brainstorm ideas. Complete honesty with one another. He and I both win.
We're both stuck indoors on this damp, miserable New England evening. I'm going to approach him and get back to you.

Distance is being used not geographically, but emotionally in this sense. To stand back and not initiate contact until a sincere apology and resolve not to repeat the disrespectful behavior is forthcoming.