We've been married for 6 years, have a 2 and 3 year old, and have had our share of difficulty, for sure. There were MANY parenting and relationship issues we have worked out, or have made progress toward. There is one that has been ongoing since about 3 years ago. We have made progress with our relationship to the point where we can discuss it calmly and not push each others buttons - and we still disagree.

My husband believes that crying is bad behavior. If a kid has gotten hurt, crying is okay, but if they cry because they don't get what they want, he thinks they're complaining/throwing a fit/being a brat. He firmly believes that crying is bad behavior. We BOTH do not reward crying with giving a kid what they want, but I will listen to the crying, and offer a hug if needed. My husband tells them to stop crying, and sends them to their room if they don't. Because of his attitude that crying is a bad behavior, I believe this comes across as punitive/rejecting. As a caveat, if a child is whining or complaining, I will send them to their room after a warning. But I can tell the difference between whining and crying. He desires to teach our children discipline and to be in control of their feelings, and I desire for them to learn to be securely attached to their caregivers and taught how to face and work through their feelings. I also think that they'll gradually cry less in public and so forth as they get older, while he thinks it must be taught through discipline. I believe it's harmful to tell a small child not to cry, and he believes that our children will grow up to be entitled brats if we do not.

Over time, I have learned to be much more authoritative and consistent with discipline, and he has learned to be more loving and much less harsh even while disciplining, at the same time as we've been learning to trust each other with parenting and talk to each other calmly instead of just trying to get our way. But this is the one sticking point, after all that progress. I don't think he agrees with POJA yet, but I want to give it a try with this and any ideas or suggestions would be helpful. I know absolutely that any solution without enthusiastic agreement isn't really going to be a solution. I think he's starting to come around to the idea of wanting to agree, not just compromise or have his way, but this is a really really tough one. Because of our opposite parenting ideas/backgrounds, I don't see how we can both be happy. This is a really important issue to both of us, and the lack of resolution has become a very serious relationship problem.

Hi Rini, the solution would be to apply the POJA. If he won't do that, then the issue is that he won't follow the POJA and that is a much bigger issue.

I guess I'm asking for suggestions for possible solutions next time we discuss it - even I don't see how we can both be satisfied, since our views are so polar opposite. Does that mean I'm failing at POJA too? What can I do differently?

In the policy of joint agreement, preset views are off the table. If you both go into negotiations set on a particular outcome, the negotiations are over before they start. The idea is to brainstorm to find a THIRD alternative that suits you both.

You will find that the POJA, when correctly followed, will always result in a solution that is better than either of you could have thought of alone. Both of you will be satisfied with the outcome. The fact that you are at opposite ends of the spectrum means that you will need to be more creative in the ideas you put forward.

Do not expect this to resolve in one session, be patient with it. We spent an entire summer on our first holiday plans - Once you have done one it gets easier and easier.