I love the idea of creative solutions until everyone is pleased.

My husband says that we�ve tried everything and he doesn�t want to keep wasting energy on unsolvable problems. He essentially is not on board with finding a creative solution.

He gets defensive and shuts down and thinks of all the ways of why it won�t work.

The problem is unilaterally affecting me and my career and I�m upset that he just doesn�t agree or want to put the effort in to brainstorm on solutions because of defeat in the past.

What to do?

I'm struggling with this to a degree as well. My hardest single thing to do is to let go of what I want when my husband disagrees. I changed how I thought about it this weekend and it went like this:

Me: I want to go to my family for Christmas.
Him: I don't see how that's possible.
Me: What are your reasons, try to be specific.
Him: *Four very good and specific reasons presented.
Me: That's pretty solid. Ok, I don't go to my family for Christmas.
Him: You're not going to be mad at me because I said 'No', are you?
Me: No. I'm disappointed, but not mad. Maybe I can Skype them or at least call them.

In the past, I'd cave but with resentment. Or, I'd disregard his reasons and go anyway. This time, I really listened to his reasons. They really were very solid.

Think about your husband's objections. Are they valid?

I know this is important to you. I can tell by your word choices. Is there any wiggle room in your plan? Instead of working in an office, is tele-commuting possible? Have you asked everyone involved to find out if it could be accommodated?

Just because he's a nay-sayer at this stage doesn't mean you give up. Just because he's not helping you come up with creative solutions doesn't mean YOU stop trying to come up with creative solutions. It does require YOU to open your mind to the possibility that he may be right and now is not the time for what you want or need.

I haven't given up getting to see my family. Christmas is a bad time to my husband. If I'm honest with myself, it's not that great for me either, I just wanted it. Really badly, for reasons even he agreed were important. I haven't caved to my husband, so there isn't resentment. I have understood his objections weren't mere 'nay-saying', they were thought out, considered and logical. He's not used to me being open to his objections, so he's still in caution-mode. I am glad that I can honestly and lovingly show him that I am not angry at having my want denied.

'What to do?' - don't give up trying to find creative solutions of your own, that take into consideration his objections. If he's defensive, let him be - you trained him well in this regard. Now, show him how this Win-Win can work, even if you have to do all the foot-work this time. Don't you agree that knowing you actually listened to his objections may have a positive effect the NEXT time you present him with a question, plan or problem?

And, for the question you didn't ask - what NOT to do - don't try to convince him that this is really important to you and that he should cave. That will only keep him on the defensive and withdraw HUGE love bank balances from your account with him. Don't present the same answer you want with different wording.

Let YOUR frustration about no forward movement serve as encouragement to think even further out of the box. While you're outside that box, don't forget to consider his objections, especially if they have merit.

The Policy of Joint Agreement is awesome but it takes practice and a lot of trust. For it to work, you need to believe firstly that your spouse does not have a hidden agenda and secondly that he/she will not agree a solution and then sneak off to do what he/she was planning to do anyway.


Are you familiar with Disrespectful Judgements? This certainly sounds like one. You are making an assumption about why he does not want to find a solution that works. It is far more likely that he does not how rather than that he is not 'on board'. Most of us have not grown up in families where there was successful negotiation between our parents. So we have no model to follow.



Are you trying to educate him? Marriage Builder's must never be used as a weapon. If he is shutting down, there is something about this process that is making him miserable. Try tackling some simple issues first such as what to eat for dinner. Once you can do that in a way that provides you with a great outcome, move to something like how to spend Saturday mornings. Keep working on solving things until you are ready to tackle the big ones. By then you will have such fun negotiating that you will find it addictive :-)

I just want to point out that this is a huge lovebuster and a non starter. The goal of negotiation is not to determine whether a spouses objections are "valid" [they are always valid regardless of the reason] but to find solutions that suit you both. It doesn't matter WHY a spouse objects so don't even ask that. When asked to justify objections, it can quickly turn into a fight. The reasons don't matter.

I think the most important thing in any negotiation is to have 2 people who are willing and who are negotiating with good will. My H and I go into the negotiation wanting the other person to win. My H wants me to win and I want him to win so we negotiate until we find a solution that is a winner for us BOTH. Having that approach makes all the difference.

Surething, are you pushing one specific goal? Because if you are going into this with one pre-formed outcome it will never work, because the negotiation is over before it starts.

My suggestion is to take all pre-formed outcomes off the table and leave all options open. Otherwise you are just trying to force your agenda on him. Like livingwell mentioned, start with smaller things until you and your husband are more skilled at this.

Is he open to the concept of the POJA?

That was all great feedback. I�m going to think on it all and see what I can incorporate.

Another great resource you have at your disposal is Dr Harley on his radio show. [it's free] Do you have the MB radio app? You can also email him at @mbradio@marriagebuilders.com and get his suggestions. Information here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4200_radio.html

Aren't the reasons important in order to understand your spouse's goals? It seems that in many cases, when one spouse wants "A" and the other wants "NOT A", their real goals might still be compatible. That's the whole point of trying to find a creative solution: Option "B", which is neither A nor NOT-A, and which accomplishes the underlying goals of both spouses.

Although, if you just want to learn your spouse's reasons in order to invalidate those reasons, then yeah that's a recipe for a fight.