"I don't have any happy memories of our marriage." - 12/15/17 10:24 PM
That's what my husband of 46 years told me three weeks ago. He went on to say, "When I think of our lives I only see grey and lots of struggle." He wasn't joking.
Even the birth of our first child wasn't amazing to him. Instead, the only thing he could remember about that was he was mad at me for not having the baby faster.
When he saw how upset I was he backtracked and said it wasn't me he was mad at, but the circumstances. The circumstances being a long labor, baby in distress, so instead of that birthing room, it was a cold delivery room and forceps. This grey memory is still with him 36 years after our son's birth.
After all of this, he tells me he loves me and he's happy in our marriage.
The thing is, I never knew he was so unhappy. Our marriage has had its up and down, but for me, it's mostly been good.
Except for this past two years which has been one sad discovery about my husband after another. I stumbled across a dirty little secret that he never wanted me to know. A lie of omission and lots of misdirects. If I had known the truth back when I was 19 and the totality of it, I most likely would never have married him.
There have been lots of other discoveries since then, leading up to this latest one. It seems one unearthed truth leads to another.
I have to be honest, I didn't take any of these discoveries well and have been all over the place emotionally.
Earlier this year I found Dr. Harley and started mentioning to my husband. He was receptive and agreed to read the first book (HNHN) and work on Dr. Harley's ideas. But it's hit or miss. Like the book. He still hasn't finished it and isn't ready to move on to the other two I have, so he doesn't know there are more concepts we need to learn.
I don't want to make him sound like an oaf because he is trying. But again, it's on and off. We have lots of uninterrupted time together for talking. At least 20+ hours a week (and this isn't new for us, we've been carving time out for "us" for years).
We do things together, some work-related, some fun. Some of those, like shooting on our home range are things he has to set up. And he hasn't been doing that a lot. The other stuff, like date nights/days are set up by me. While he always agrees with those, he's not always happy with them. And sex, well, we try to do that often.
He's been a little more affectionate (this after saying "I love you" is trite and too phony and wasn't him) and he's even starting to talk about me and ask me questions about my day/life/work.
While he's working on my ENs, he tells me I meet all of his (but somehow I don't think that's completely true).
I feel my husband is like the little boy who says "you're not the boss of me." While he agrees we need to work on things, he also digs in his heels at the idea of work, especially if it's for me (my perception, I know). Maybe that's even where the hurtful remarks come from.
I don't want to be the nagging wife. I don't want to have to ask him to hug me or ask me how my day was. Or police him over whether he's read any more of Dr. Harley's book or set up our together time to go to the range. But it seems he doesn't take any action unless I have a meltdown.
I need him to take the lead and most especially, to be honest with me.
That's my question for all of you. How? How do I make him understand? My love bank running low on funds.
Sorry for this being so long, but thanks for listening.
Even the birth of our first child wasn't amazing to him. Instead, the only thing he could remember about that was he was mad at me for not having the baby faster.
When he saw how upset I was he backtracked and said it wasn't me he was mad at, but the circumstances. The circumstances being a long labor, baby in distress, so instead of that birthing room, it was a cold delivery room and forceps. This grey memory is still with him 36 years after our son's birth.
After all of this, he tells me he loves me and he's happy in our marriage.
The thing is, I never knew he was so unhappy. Our marriage has had its up and down, but for me, it's mostly been good.
Except for this past two years which has been one sad discovery about my husband after another. I stumbled across a dirty little secret that he never wanted me to know. A lie of omission and lots of misdirects. If I had known the truth back when I was 19 and the totality of it, I most likely would never have married him.
There have been lots of other discoveries since then, leading up to this latest one. It seems one unearthed truth leads to another.
I have to be honest, I didn't take any of these discoveries well and have been all over the place emotionally.
Earlier this year I found Dr. Harley and started mentioning to my husband. He was receptive and agreed to read the first book (HNHN) and work on Dr. Harley's ideas. But it's hit or miss. Like the book. He still hasn't finished it and isn't ready to move on to the other two I have, so he doesn't know there are more concepts we need to learn.
I don't want to make him sound like an oaf because he is trying. But again, it's on and off. We have lots of uninterrupted time together for talking. At least 20+ hours a week (and this isn't new for us, we've been carving time out for "us" for years).
We do things together, some work-related, some fun. Some of those, like shooting on our home range are things he has to set up. And he hasn't been doing that a lot. The other stuff, like date nights/days are set up by me. While he always agrees with those, he's not always happy with them. And sex, well, we try to do that often.
He's been a little more affectionate (this after saying "I love you" is trite and too phony and wasn't him) and he's even starting to talk about me and ask me questions about my day/life/work.
While he's working on my ENs, he tells me I meet all of his (but somehow I don't think that's completely true).
I feel my husband is like the little boy who says "you're not the boss of me." While he agrees we need to work on things, he also digs in his heels at the idea of work, especially if it's for me (my perception, I know). Maybe that's even where the hurtful remarks come from.
I don't want to be the nagging wife. I don't want to have to ask him to hug me or ask me how my day was. Or police him over whether he's read any more of Dr. Harley's book or set up our together time to go to the range. But it seems he doesn't take any action unless I have a meltdown.
I need him to take the lead and most especially, to be honest with me.
That's my question for all of you. How? How do I make him understand? My love bank running low on funds.
Sorry for this being so long, but thanks for listening.