Hi everyone, this is my first post!

I'm very familiar with the policy of joint agreement after listening to many of Dr. Harley's books. My husband and I are working through some conflicts and going through the steps outlined in Dr. Harley's books for how to find a solution that both my husband and I can enthusiastically agree on.

One of our conflicts in particular we have struggled with for many years and are trying to figure out a solution that we can both be happy with.
I'm wondering if any of you have any suggestions for things we can try.

So here's our conflict: my husband loves to ride a bicycle everywhere that he needs to go: work, church, grocery stores, etc. I also enjoy riding a bicycle and even transport our two boys on it to school, church, etc. We definitely enjoy bicycling and very rarely use our car. The problem is that for many years, I felt like I HAD to ride a bicycle, even if I wasn't feeling up to it. If I would tell my husband that I would rather drive (maybe it's raining, dark, windy, etc.), then he would get very sad, even upset. He would try to convince me that I really should ride my bicycle. He basically believes that if something is biking distance away, then we should both always ride bikes.

So for many years, I felt like I needed to please my husband and sacrifice for what makes him happy: me riding the bike. I felt very controlled by him, but didn't really know what else to do. I felt like it was my wifely duty to submit to him and follow his desires to ride bikes. Over the past months of listening to Dr. Harley's books, my eyes have been opened to how I should NOT be sacrificing like this in our marriage, that it ultimately won't lead to a win-win solution. I want to have the freedom to decide for myself how I want to transport myself (and often the kids too): using a bicycle or a car.

So my husband's point of view is: "If something is biking distance away, both my wife and I should ride a bike, regardless of our feelings or other weather conditions, etc."

My point of view is: "If something is biking distance away, I can choose if I ride a bike or drive a car based on my feelings or weather conditions, etc."

We need a solution that we can both enthusiastically agree on. I've been asking my husband what exactly he dislikes about me driving and it has to do with the fact that driving a car costs money (gas & maintenance) and riding a bike is free. He is very passionate about saving money. Some of my thoughts for a solution along those lines include us deciding together how much money we'd both like to spend on driving a month and putting that in our budget (something we just started working on!). He still struggles with getting over the fact that if something is biking distance away, then biking should be preferred and driving should be avoided. So I'm not sure we'd be able to arrive at an agreement for money to budget towards driving each month.

Any ideas you have are welcome and thank you so much for taking the time to read through all this!

Hi Stasia, welcome to Marriage Builders. I want to applaud you for taking the time to research the policy of joint agreement. Does your husband accept the premise of the policy of joint agreement, which is:

"Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse"? That is the first step, an acceptance that agreements must be mutually enthusiastic. IT doesn't sound like you agree that biking is always preferred. Once he accepts the basic premise of the POJA, the next step is to brainstorm solutions that suit you both. It is never ever sacrifice [which it sounds you do understand] but a matter of finding WIN/WIN solutions.

Hey! We have a similar problem, however, it looks a bit different. I earn less than my husband, and all the time it seems to me that I should spend as little as possible. We don't need to save money, especially on travel, but I feel guilty about wasting my husband's money. We have a common budget, but it still seems to me that if I use my husband’s bank card, then I spend his money. By no means do I force him to ride a bike with me everywhere and in bad weather, but he feels that he must do this to support me. It turns out such a vicious circle that I have to break.