Hi
I am new on here but I’m looking for some discussions on people are in second marriages .. I was married for 19 years from age 23 to 42.. we have two sons together.. 29 and 26.. I have one granddaughter who is 20 months old. After we divorced in ‘08, i dated some.. then after 5 years.. I remarried. My husband is 4 years older than me.. we have been married 8 years. He has 3 adult sons.. 34, 31, and 27 and has 5 grandchildren.
We have been married 8 years. His oldest son and family live about 6 1/2) hours away.. they have moved several times due to his job.. so they aren’t in very much. His middle son and family live two hours away. His youngest is married and in the marines in Germany.
My oldest is married .. he and my daughter in law and my granddaughter live two hours away. My youngest son lives locally.
I am finding that I am losing feelings for my husband. I don’t want it to be that way but I can’t help what I’m feeling or lack of. He’s a very good man.
Of course we both knew each one of us had kids.. but you have no way of knowing things til you are in it. Now with grandchildren, it’s different. When my son or his wife sends me videos of my granddaughter, my husband will watch them but just isn’t as interested as he would be if they were his grandkids. And I’m sure I’m that way with his also. I just never knew it would be like this. Has anyone else experienced things like this in second marriages?

Thank you

Hi, Julie,

Yes, lots of us have experienced the loss of feelings in marriage. You've come to the right place: restoring the feeling of romantic love in marriage is Marriage Builders' specialty! If you read through a lot of the letters and questions Dr. Harley has answered on the main site, he highlights that scenario over and over again in different situations and talks about what to do about it.

Let me encourage you to read through this page on how Dr. Harley learned to restore the feelings of romantic love in marriage.

The main thing that will restore the feeling of romantic love is for you and your husband to spend at least 20 hours a week alone together, giving each other your undivided attention, and meeting each other's most important emotional needs. Most likely the two of you haven't been able to do that, or just haven't made time for it, which is pretty typical.

If you asked your husband to spend that much time alone with you each week, would there be anything that would make that difficult for either or both of you?

One other thing I am seeing is that you have a strong emotional need for family commitment: that's why you have a longing for your husband to show interest in your grandchildren. Can you ask him to spend invest some more time in their lives? If so, what would he say?

On that note, let me just add that my father is in a second marriage, and for their marital happiness it's crucial that he show a lot of interest in my stepmother's children and grandchildren. That works out quite well for them - it's part of the care that he provides for his wife, by caring for her family. And that works out well for me - I'm in my 40's, but it's still important to my well-being that my dad have a happy marriage. He still shows plenty of interest in his own children, including me.

In what way? I mean, what is he doing or saying that makes you feel this way?

Have you guys fought about this? Or made snippy comments?

Do you fight about other things?

Please read Blended Families