One question. Please help - 09/27/22 02:15 PM
Hi,
In a nutshell, my husband and I have been married for a little over 11 years. We have three children together. I have four total, one from a previous marriage.
When I met my husband I was approximately 138 lbs. I am 5'8" and that was my weight before the three children we had together.
Currently I am approximately 151 lbs at 39 years old. I fluctuate between 150-155 lbs throughout the month.
My husband read Harley's book His Needs Her Needs. He is very familiar with the material. He has studied it extensively with a desire to eventually use some of the tools in it to assist married couples in a coaching type format.
I actually agree with Harley's concepts.
When we did the questionnaire a few years ago, we discovered that my husband's #1 need is physical attractiveness. To narrow it down further, specifically, that I be at the weight I was when we first met. He recites Harley's words that needs need to be as specific as possible. For him, the "specific" is approximately 138lbs.
This has caused countless arguments, hurt feelings and resentment over the years. He says he is physically attracted to me but that his NEED IS NOT BEING MET because I am not the weight I was, neither am I currently making the effort to lose any more weight.
Most recently, in an effort to "meet his need", we hired a nutritionist for me. After about three months, the lowest my weight got down to was approximately 150lbs. My nutritionist knew my goal was to lose 10-15 more lbs and even he said that my current weight was healthy, and that my BMI was ideal.
Many people would consider me a very attractive, physically fit woman.
Emotionally and mentally I was already getting exhausted for constantly feeling like I had to meet this "need". I then met with my therapist who suggested that I put personal boundaries in place. She agreed with the sentiment that a woman should seek to remain attractive for her spouse. She agreed, as do I, that no woman should just let herself go but she did not agree that forcing myself to get down an additional 10-15 lbs to satisfy this "need" of my husband was mentally or emotionally healthy for me.
I agreed and have communicated to my husband that I no longer will pursue losing additional weight. I told him that I would commit to not going over 155lbs (as I am comfortable with that) but any additional weight loss at this time will not happen.
Since I have placed that boundary, he has expressed to me that although he cannot force me to do anything, he is still frustrated that I have decided to not meet his need. (That statement is paraphrased)
My question is, Can someone please clarify if I am not meeting my husband's need for physical attractiveness by not being 138lbs or is my husband misinterpreting what Harley's thoughts are on the need for physical attractiveness?
Our relationship is otherwise healthy but this has been a constant source of contention over the years. My concern is that resentment will fester if he feels like I am not meeting his number one need.
Your attention to this matter is desperately desired. Thank you!
In a nutshell, my husband and I have been married for a little over 11 years. We have three children together. I have four total, one from a previous marriage.
When I met my husband I was approximately 138 lbs. I am 5'8" and that was my weight before the three children we had together.
Currently I am approximately 151 lbs at 39 years old. I fluctuate between 150-155 lbs throughout the month.
My husband read Harley's book His Needs Her Needs. He is very familiar with the material. He has studied it extensively with a desire to eventually use some of the tools in it to assist married couples in a coaching type format.
I actually agree with Harley's concepts.
When we did the questionnaire a few years ago, we discovered that my husband's #1 need is physical attractiveness. To narrow it down further, specifically, that I be at the weight I was when we first met. He recites Harley's words that needs need to be as specific as possible. For him, the "specific" is approximately 138lbs.
This has caused countless arguments, hurt feelings and resentment over the years. He says he is physically attracted to me but that his NEED IS NOT BEING MET because I am not the weight I was, neither am I currently making the effort to lose any more weight.
Most recently, in an effort to "meet his need", we hired a nutritionist for me. After about three months, the lowest my weight got down to was approximately 150lbs. My nutritionist knew my goal was to lose 10-15 more lbs and even he said that my current weight was healthy, and that my BMI was ideal.
Many people would consider me a very attractive, physically fit woman.
Emotionally and mentally I was already getting exhausted for constantly feeling like I had to meet this "need". I then met with my therapist who suggested that I put personal boundaries in place. She agreed with the sentiment that a woman should seek to remain attractive for her spouse. She agreed, as do I, that no woman should just let herself go but she did not agree that forcing myself to get down an additional 10-15 lbs to satisfy this "need" of my husband was mentally or emotionally healthy for me.
I agreed and have communicated to my husband that I no longer will pursue losing additional weight. I told him that I would commit to not going over 155lbs (as I am comfortable with that) but any additional weight loss at this time will not happen.
Since I have placed that boundary, he has expressed to me that although he cannot force me to do anything, he is still frustrated that I have decided to not meet his need. (That statement is paraphrased)
My question is, Can someone please clarify if I am not meeting my husband's need for physical attractiveness by not being 138lbs or is my husband misinterpreting what Harley's thoughts are on the need for physical attractiveness?
Our relationship is otherwise healthy but this has been a constant source of contention over the years. My concern is that resentment will fester if he feels like I am not meeting his number one need.
Your attention to this matter is desperately desired. Thank you!