Greetings and the saga - When is enough enough? - 10/04/22 03:49 AM
Hello,
I'm laying it out here....all of it. Because I'm at the point where I don't know if I should continue trying to invest in this marriage...if I'm being selfish, unreasonable, and should call a spade a spade.
Been married 27 years, to my high school sweetheart. She is truly the love of my life. Want no other, desire no other, and 27 years and two kids later she still rocks my world....
For the last ten years, it's been a struggle. Basically, little by little, my wife has lost interest and been cutting me off emotionally, physically, affectionately...menopause has been a big part of that in recent years too.
Why am I here....I don't have much option. Since growing up and old together, my friends are her friends. So there is not a lot of option to discuss with friends. She doesn't believe anything is wrong, so she doesnt believe in marriage counseling.
Background...I'm total dedication to love and family. To the point that after some issues with friends and their infidelity early on, I knew I never wanted her to even THINK I could be out there doing something like that. So I modified my life style as such. I'm at home. With my family where I should, want, and need to be. If we are out with friends, we are together, so there can never be worry of stupid rumors or anything. Sounds drastic? Maybe. But it was a very easy decision to make. No I don't smother. She goes shopping with her girl friends. I have a work shop, I work on projects and such. It's just a point of knowing where I'm NOT. I also come from a nasty divorced family. So I made my mind up before I put the ring on, that I would go to the ends of the earth fighting before letting my kids go through what I did.
Affection...started back at that 10 year ago mark. She all of the sudden decided that she didn't like to kiss me anymore. Then intimacy started to suffer little by little. First it was we need to be quick, then the dry spells started. Then it became a rejection issue. To the point where she would be really agitated on any advance. Now it's been two years since she has wanted anything to do with me.
Communication... I have brought it up over the years so many times. Ranging from positive comments trying to encourage, to expressing my anger, all the way to a few drunken, complete break downs. She will tell me she understands, and will try...but nothing ever happens, and the next day it is like the conversation never happened. She truly feels like there is nothing wrong with our relationship. She isn't nasty about it. It's just not anything she desires anymore.
We are crowding 50. I have a "dad bod" and I would say she has a "mom bod". And I'm totally ok with any and all blemishes, bumps...you name it. I simply don't get bothered by anything like that. She's beautiful in my eyes at 115 or 350! I compliment her, and tell her how beautiful she is. Both from a sweet stand point, all the way to much more explicit versions. All genuine.
But being room mates is not what I want. I want and yearn for her touch. To feel relevant in her life. Needed. Wanted. Desired. I have been trying to reconnect. I try to get her to go to the movies together. Have recommended going away on quick trips. Many other things to try and be spontaneous, and rekindle something...anything.
I'm constantly angry about it now days. I have nightmares of us having fights about it. I have nightmares of being away from my kids if we got divorced.
I have been reading the journey of threads from the "start here" thread. Ironically, I don't feel like it paints our picture so far. I know my wife inside and out, and she isn't the typical gal that has ever expressed the need of emotional this, and emotional that. Quite frankly, that's always been more me. Probably going back to a severely jacked up family life growing up.
I think that mostly sums it up. So I ask. When is enough enough? I don't want ultimatums. But I feel like one is in order to some extent.
Having never spoken to anyone about this before, aside from her...I'm really curious as to what will be said here. And nervous.
Cheers,
OntheRocks
I'm laying it out here....all of it. Because I'm at the point where I don't know if I should continue trying to invest in this marriage...if I'm being selfish, unreasonable, and should call a spade a spade.
Been married 27 years, to my high school sweetheart. She is truly the love of my life. Want no other, desire no other, and 27 years and two kids later she still rocks my world....
For the last ten years, it's been a struggle. Basically, little by little, my wife has lost interest and been cutting me off emotionally, physically, affectionately...menopause has been a big part of that in recent years too.
Why am I here....I don't have much option. Since growing up and old together, my friends are her friends. So there is not a lot of option to discuss with friends. She doesn't believe anything is wrong, so she doesnt believe in marriage counseling.
Background...I'm total dedication to love and family. To the point that after some issues with friends and their infidelity early on, I knew I never wanted her to even THINK I could be out there doing something like that. So I modified my life style as such. I'm at home. With my family where I should, want, and need to be. If we are out with friends, we are together, so there can never be worry of stupid rumors or anything. Sounds drastic? Maybe. But it was a very easy decision to make. No I don't smother. She goes shopping with her girl friends. I have a work shop, I work on projects and such. It's just a point of knowing where I'm NOT. I also come from a nasty divorced family. So I made my mind up before I put the ring on, that I would go to the ends of the earth fighting before letting my kids go through what I did.
Affection...started back at that 10 year ago mark. She all of the sudden decided that she didn't like to kiss me anymore. Then intimacy started to suffer little by little. First it was we need to be quick, then the dry spells started. Then it became a rejection issue. To the point where she would be really agitated on any advance. Now it's been two years since she has wanted anything to do with me.
Communication... I have brought it up over the years so many times. Ranging from positive comments trying to encourage, to expressing my anger, all the way to a few drunken, complete break downs. She will tell me she understands, and will try...but nothing ever happens, and the next day it is like the conversation never happened. She truly feels like there is nothing wrong with our relationship. She isn't nasty about it. It's just not anything she desires anymore.
We are crowding 50. I have a "dad bod" and I would say she has a "mom bod". And I'm totally ok with any and all blemishes, bumps...you name it. I simply don't get bothered by anything like that. She's beautiful in my eyes at 115 or 350! I compliment her, and tell her how beautiful she is. Both from a sweet stand point, all the way to much more explicit versions. All genuine.
But being room mates is not what I want. I want and yearn for her touch. To feel relevant in her life. Needed. Wanted. Desired. I have been trying to reconnect. I try to get her to go to the movies together. Have recommended going away on quick trips. Many other things to try and be spontaneous, and rekindle something...anything.
I'm constantly angry about it now days. I have nightmares of us having fights about it. I have nightmares of being away from my kids if we got divorced.
I have been reading the journey of threads from the "start here" thread. Ironically, I don't feel like it paints our picture so far. I know my wife inside and out, and she isn't the typical gal that has ever expressed the need of emotional this, and emotional that. Quite frankly, that's always been more me. Probably going back to a severely jacked up family life growing up.
I think that mostly sums it up. So I ask. When is enough enough? I don't want ultimatums. But I feel like one is in order to some extent.
Having never spoken to anyone about this before, aside from her...I'm really curious as to what will be said here. And nervous.
Cheers,
OntheRocks