Hi there!

I'm new here enjoying reading through the site and materials, feeling like some good action plans.

My question is about the "independent lifestyles". It struck a chord but I don't know a good way to address it.
It's suggested to just "get similar work shifts". I am the sole breadwinner currently and I'm in two different self-employed (1099) careers. One I work afternoons/evenings and Saturdays. Saturdays in particular are my busiest day- often I'll make 2x what I do on a weekday. The other career is generally late evenings and weekends. That one is less often, sometimes not even every week. There are certain times of year (example: Sep/Oct) that are just bananas (example 5 times a week) and other parts of the year (much of winter) that is less active (1-2 a month).

There aren't really "job jobs" in either of these fields. In career A either you 100% do your own business (which is still going to be eve/weekend for the most part, and I DREAD the amount of work that would come with that- networking...advertising...practice management...etc) or work for someone who needs help, usually that starts as a temporary coverage, or just 1-2 days a week. For the main job it took 5 years to get enough shifts (and I was working at a few places, then kinda negotiated those against each other to finally improve my standing. I'm even managing this office branch now). Literally there have been only 2 jobs in that field advertised on Indeed in 50 miles in last 6 months or so and they were only 1-3 PT days a week each. I really love where I work anyway and would be happy working here indefinitely.

Career B is my passion "job". Used to be my only career in my 20s and TBH it's lucky I even get paid at all, let alone well, for doing it. It's a field that there are not "jobs" for. It has taken YEARS (10, then was away for 7 years, then back for another 5 years and finally feeling the regular work roll in this past year) to establish myself in this city for that and dealing with a lot of prejudice (gender/ethnicity)/other BS.

My husband has always worked 9-5 type jobs, which is what his field does. He prefers to stick to that schedule even tho he is not working and hasn't been for much of the last 3 years (mental and physical health reasons). So often when I come home (usually between 8-9p) he is about ready for bed. He would like to have more "weekend" time available with me but the only way that would be possible would be to work less (we need the money) and give up the things I love (both jobs really, but especially career B). He is very very supportive of my careers especially career B which was/is a super turn on to him, but it's difficult to reconcile this with wanting to have a more similar schedule.

We don't have nor plan to have kids so theoretically we should have a lot of time, but it's been difficult to get on board with each other. I've suggested let's do stuff on the free time we do have- usually Sundays/Mondays, as well as in mornings most days. Sometimes this works but generally it's been hard to get him to want to do something then, or there are things he or we want to do that can't be done (since they don't happen on a Sunday or Monday)

Any suggestions for dealing with these issues?

I will also add that when we first started dating this was less of an issue, I definitely see it clearly. I was earlier in my career A and was working WAY less as I was trying to get anything to happen. And career B was just starting over again. My husband also used to come to my work for career B more often. My husband was making 5x what I was at that point and I had a lot more time flexibility. Now the tables are turned and I'm making what he was when we met.

Welcome to MB. Have you read Dr. Harley’s basic concepts? How much undivided attention do you get a week?

Hello. I know the problem of different lifestyles. My husband works from home and loves to do it at night. It starts when I come home (it's 5 pm). It used to annoy me a lot, because his work brings in much more money than mine, and I had to adapt to him. After discussing this problem, we realized that one cannot make concessions alone, and we need to work together to spend time together. We decided this: when I come home from work, we cook dinner together and spend time before I go to bed. To do this, he needs to start his day no later than 2 pm. When I go to sleep, it continues to work. We spend weekends together. At first it was very difficult for me to fall asleep without him, but in fact it turned out to be not so bad - I'm used to it, and I calmly fall asleep alone in silence.
I want to tell you both to make concessions to each other. If there is no way you can reduce your working hours (and you shouldn’t if you don’t want to), then ask your husband to take over some of the household chores so that you can spend more time together.

In this day and age, the Marriage Builders approach can "seem" radical. It really isn't. It harkens back to folk tales about "the wolf you feed." It's also pretty consistent with the outcome from the 80 year + Harvard study looking at all sorts of measurements over lifespan.

The people who were the happiest in late age noted it was their RELATIONSHIPS that made life worth living.

Add to that, people who reported having satisfying and healthy relationships in their 50's also had BETTER PHYSICAL HEALTH OUTCOMES.


In short, you can certainly choose your work. But the evidence suggests that over the span of your life, you'd be better served to have your relationships - including your marriage - be the focus of your life. The dividends in health and happiness are priceless.

Discussion of Harvard study on Happiness