husband and I have been married for almost two years and for the last few months my husband can’t seem to get it together with his finances . First off let me start off to say that I am pretty much taking care of him . I pay the entire rent , all the other bills such as Internet and Cable , car note , car insurance , cable , AND I pay for all the food and toiletries while he pays for Nothing for these past several months . The last time he paid half the rent was back in September 2022. So far this month he has only given me 400.00 dollars for bus half of the rent . The rent is 2300.00 dollars .


I’m getting frustrated because my husband doesn’t want to help out more . He feels that since I make much more money than he does I should carry most of the bills of the household . Now granted , I know he drives for Lyft rideshare full time and claims he doesn’t make that much money but when I try to suggest other employment he automatically shuts down the conversation . And tells me to leave him alone about it . He tells me he will not work a job that isn’t aligned with his “purpose” .


Whenever I try to suggest other employment or even suggest he start his own business . He basiclaly tells me he will not work a normal 9to 5 , because it’s not “Gods purpose “ and he will not be confined to a work schedule and to add he tells me that because I am not a fully obedient wife he will not work hard to support me .
When I ask him what does he mean by “obdient “ he just goes on to say “I do not obey and should I doevery single thing he tells me to do “.



In his opinion , He feels we should downsize, and that we should we live in a cheap hotel in the area or an RV , or out in the woods or even live in a car ,something that costs much lower ,so we don’t have to pay rent and he has even suggested living in a car which I refuse.



In addition , He refuses to tell me how much money he makes , and or the bills he has to pay every month So I really have no idea , how much money he makes from Lyft and or the bills he pays on a monthly basis and or the reason for the issues with his finances .I don’t have access to his bank accounts / debit cards / credit cards, and when I ask him for any pay documents he shuts Me down and refuses to show me any bank statements or pay check stubs .



One of my dreams is to buy a home , he basically told me a few weeks ago that he Is not sure if he can contribute to the mortgage every month so to make sure when I do buy a home to make sure only I can pay the mortgage on my own and without his help because his income is not stable .


Our marriage is on its last leg standing . I can’t seem to depend on him anymore to do his part . He just lies and make promises he refuses to keep . As of six months ago , he just aburptly stopped paying half the rent ., plus he doesn’t help me anymore with the car note , not even the insurance , groceries or toiletries , nothing at all . He drives the car more than I do .. yet he doesn’t give me any money towards the car in a while . Over a year it’s been since he had given me type of money towards the maintenance and or the car note , and he’s the one driving it all day to work to do rideshare , while I work two jobs to keep us afloat .

He doesn’t contribute financially like he should , and to add insult Injury we haven’t had sex in over eight months!! . I don’t know what to do!!. I want to make it work , because I do care for him dealy .as of now, we sleep in separate rooms , we don’t have sex , French kiss or anything romantic for over 8 months . I’ve tried counseling , but that didn’t work , because he didn’t like the therapist point of view . So I m at my wits end . I don’t know what to do , if I Should I stay or hang in there with him until he tries to better himself ?

Plus on top of everything else , I recently just found out he has been lying to me all this time about where he grew up , where he went to High school , and his educational background . And I have never met any of his family , never met his children , I don’t even know his children names or even pictures of what they look like . I’m disappointed in him and in myself and can’t believe I m And he has been caught flirting with other women via text .

Welcome to MB.

I'm so sorry, but I don't see anything to save here. Your husband does not seem to understand marriage or value what a good marriage should look like.

My advice is to leave.

Hello,

While I am new here at marriage builders and I am trying to save my own marriage, I have read your post and can empathise with you greatly.

From what you have described, your husband more than likely has some kind of mental health issue going on, and I understand the need and want to take care of someone like that. It is an enormous drain of resources, and an enormous drain of mental/emotional energy to be in a relationship like that. I get it. Caring for someone like that makes it so much more difficult to leave.

He is failing to meet any of your needs, and is unwilling to do anything meaningful in the way of employment or helping out financially or otherwise.

I am glad that you tried counseling, and would recommend doing that if you have not tried it. Also like most professions, there are good counselors, and not so good ones. I have had extensive experience with them, if you don't find one you like, try another. However, if you get to the 3rd or 4th counselor and you get the same story, then it is time to do something else.

If he cannot share with you his 'purpose', nor what he has in the present, or past, not willing to share with you what he makes, or has in an account (I am guess he has no accounts) all of these are enormous red flags. Nor is he honest with his past, his children, etc., etc. etc. All of these are big red flags.

While downsizing can be practical, being homeless living out of your car is taking it too far. Also, even the flea bag hotels are more expensive than a larger apartment.

Regarding your 'obedience' comments what you are describing is abusive and should not occur in any marriage unless both man and wife are in 'enthusiastic' agreement with each other.

Regarding lack of physical intimacy for 8 months - another red flag.

Regarding flirting with others via text - another red flag.

Like SugarCane so bluntly put it, I really cannot see a reason to stay, even though you 'want to make it work' and you do 'care for him dearly' you have indicated that he puts no value or effort into the marriage. You need to talk to a good friend, a parent, someone that you can trust implicitly and you know has your best interests in mind. If you cant find one, seek out individual counseling for yourself and seek out their advice.

Before you make a decision to leave, if there is a mental health issue going on, it might get quite dangerous for you (especially as a woman) if you do decide to leave as you will no longer be enabling him the way he is currently taking advantage of you financially, he may go temporarily insane once he realizes his gravy train (you) is moving on - make sure you have a good safety plan in place if and when you do this. If you do decide to leave, under no circumstances tell him until you have physically left the same dwelling, or moved his stuff out (more dangerous) and changed the locks with a restraining / protective order ready to be put into place.

Also keep in mind what you have with him now will likely continue. The infatuation / honeymoon (or 'love bombing' if there is a mental health issue) phase at most lasts about two years (there are exceptions to this rule - I'm one of them it lasted 5 years for me) unless both partners work at sustaining a marriage.

I assume that you don't own a home together, that is a good thing. Vehicles in both of your names? Since you indicated you make more than he does, the sooner you divorce the less your alimony payments will be towards him. Consult an attorney, and if you answer 'yes' to any one question in each of the 3 questions series below, you will likely need to find a 'high conflict' attorney.

I am interested in a few things, only if you are so inclined to share if you could answer these questions:

1. Did your relationship start off "too fast, too soon" where you were having sex right away, instant chemistry, and felt like you had met your 'soul mate' that month that you started to see each other? Did you guys move in with each other really quickly?

2. When you were dating, how long did you date before getting married - was it less than a year? Also, did he seem to be "too good to be true"?

3. Did he change for the worse shortly after he moved in? Got engaged? Got married? Some other large commitment (car purchase, getting pregnant, etc.)?

Since your husband isn't taking care of you, you need to take care of yourself. Only you can make the changes to reach your goals if your partner in life is unwilling to do so.

Take care with your own self-care.

Thank you so much for repsonding to my post . As far as long as we dated . Not long at all . Actually we had only know each other a few months before we actually got married . It was weird because it felt very rushed , and he was very secretive when we met . He had issues disclosing his last name , and birthday to me when we first started talking , he didn’t even want to get an STD test . Just very very weird guy. When we met he lived in an office space , just boxes and containers everywhere , dispicAble living conditions , I still can’t believe he lived like that for over three years ! Smh . At first , he did seem to good to be true , he would call me and text me every day . We would pray together and work out together . I honestly thought I’ve was a good guy who was down on his luck . He promised me he would take care of , and he would always be there for me . As he have said I saved his life because if I wouldn’t have came into his life , he would be living in skid row in downtown Los Angeles on drugs or something . So I let him use my car to do rideshare and to get on his feet , but this past year things changed . We stopped having sex , being more secretive with his cell phone , no romantic gestures , nothing . When we moved in together , things were fine , we weren’t having intimacy issues , he helped out financially , everything was going pretty good .I noticed a change in him , when I took on a second job . He just totally changed for the worst . Less sex , less intimacy , less dates . He eventurlaly stopped contributing financially to the relationship . And it’s been this way for almost a year .

Tiffany,

It sounds like you are a good and super caring and warm person to take in a person who has described himself would be living on skid row and possibly being on drugs if it wasn't for you (both the skid row and drugs are giant red flags for mental health issues). You are paying his way in life, and taking complete care of this man with almost nothing in return except less than honest behaviors of hiding his phone from you and flirting with women. Is this what you want for yourself in a marriage?

If he has used 'drugs', especially any of the more serious ones, that is super dangerous and risky behavior - super sized red flags!!!

I am going to keep it real - from what you have shared it doesn't sound like your husband is good for you -- I am going to ask you several thought provoking questions to help you understand what kind of relationship you are in with your husband and if you should continue to be in a relationship with him.

If you do NOT have child with this man, I strongly urge you to think long and hard about what you want to do with your life and if you can meet your life goals if your husband continues to contribute the $400 or even less per month to your marriage dynamic. I don't know if you even want to have children, but if you do, would you want to have a child with this man? Why or why not? Would he make a good father to your child if you had one with him? Would he be there for your child(ren) when you needed him? I seriously doubt he is capable based on what you have described. If you are seriously considering this, DON'T until you get your marriage issues resolved! I made this mistake, and I am enmeshed in it two decades later.

From what you said, I seriously doubt if he is even meeting any of your emotional needs at this moment in time. What needs is he currently meeting for you right now? Apparently he is not meeting your financial need, he is not meeting your need for intimate conversation, he is not meeting your need for domestic support, he is not meeting your need for financial support, he is not meeting your need for recreational companionship, he is not meeting your need for affection, he is not meeting your need for sexual fulfillment. Other than perhaps looking pretty for you (since he works out), what need or needs is your husband meeting currently for you right now?

You said that your husband PROMISED to take care of you and ALWAYS be there for you -- is he keeping his promises to you? If not, think long and hard if you want to stay in this relationship if he cannot meet those basic promises right now.

From what you described you got married perhaps +/-3 months after you met (way too fast in my humble opinion, should be at least a year if not two) and his issues appeared about a year after you guys met - pretty much textbook situation when infatuation / honeymoon / love bombing phase of a relationship wears off 99.9% of the time within two years --> in an unhealthy relationship this kind of 'too good to be true' behavior will not return because it is 'too good to be true'. Are you willing to live with your husband with his current level of involvement or even less for the remainder of your marriage?

You described his living conditions as 'despicable' this is a hallmark trait of a mentally unhealthy person. Not sharing his last name AND birthday is a giant red flag, this usually indicates he doesn't want a background check being done on him with a possible criminal background. A background check cost a few bucks, I would run one if I were in your shoes and my spouse was hesitant to divulge this information as you have a right to know (radical honesty).

It sounds like the car is in your name, put a hidden GPS tracker in it, (don't if it is in his name, legal issues) see if your car's movements match what he is describing, if he is a Lyft driver, he should be moving more than 50% of the time doing fares. Also, if he is parked in a residential area he might be seeing someone else, or worse like being at a drug house - you definitely don't want your car taken in a drug operation.

If you do the background check and/or the GPS tracker in your car, be mentally prepared to find out some answers you probably do not want to find out. I hope I am wrong, and for your sake, I really hope that I am wrong. In either event do not let him know you are doing this if he has any anger issues at all.

I am going to focus on a couple of your comments... You said "it felt very rushed" and "he did seem to good to be true" these are hallmarks of "love bombing" on search google for "love bombing" and go down that rabbit hole to see if anything resonates with you. I strongly suspect it will. Love bombing is common tactic to 'hook' you and then later control you (financially from what you have described) and can be part of the narcissistic abuse cycle of idealization (love bombing) --> devalue --> discard that is common to most of the 'cluster "B" disorders' not just narcissism. From what you have described, for the exception of the financial assistance that you are giving to your husband, he has definitely devalued your relationship with him, and he could have emotionally discarded you since he isn't in an emotional/physical relationship with you except for your 'sugar momma' aspect where you are financially supporting him with your car, putting a roof over his head, and paying for his food and other bills. Is this something that you want to do for the rest of your lives together?

I am going to ask you to use the DBT skill of 'wise mind'. By all accounts your 'logical mind' should be telling you that the marriage is not working out; however, your 'emotional mind' might be saying if I try a little or a lot harder I can make this marriage work out (I am in that place with my own marriage, it is a very tough place to be in, and it sucks). Your logical mind and your emotional mind need to come to an agreement and then execute it. Both your logical mind need to make sense and your emotional mind need to make sense, and where the two minds are in agreement you need to do what they are in agreement with which is known as 'wise mind'.

If you are having problems identifying with 'wise mind' or the wise mind cannot get the logical mind to agree with the emotional mind -- here is another way of looking at it... If your best friend, sister, or co-worker shared that her marriage was messed up just like yours - what would you recommend that she does with it? Follow your own recommendation for this situation.

I am going to ask a few more questions in an attempt to gauge the severity of the issues. Since he 'works out' he is probably physically fit, and can severely injure you if he hits you. Does he have any 'anger' issues? Has he hit you? Has he hit the wall, or broken objects in anger? Has he shoved you? Has he yelled at you uncontrollably? Has he threatened you? If the answer is 'yes' to any of those questions, you need a safety plan, and you will likely be in danger if you try to leave him.

Now I am going to ask another set of questions to see how rational / mentally-stable he is. Has he blamed you for something he clearly did? Has he blamed you for something that you know that you did not do but still accuses you of it? Does he seem to have two different personalities, kind of like dr Jekyll & Mr Hyde - one when he is not mad, and a completely different one when he is mad? Does he forget things he has done or said when he is angry (triggered)? How angry does he get when you catch him in a lie? Does he wear his emotions on his sleeve? Is he controlling? Is he / has he been doing anything else that you don't like/want? Has he or Is he abusive, if so, how? When he is angry or happy, how frequently does he flip/flop between these states? (minutes/hours/days/weeks/months/years)

I know that you have a lot to think about. I hope you take all of these questions seriously and consider answering them and following through. It is your life, only you have the power to fix you. You do not have the power to fix your husband, in order for him to fix his portion of the marriage he needs to be 'self-aware' of the damage that he is doing first and foremost, and then he also needs to have a 'will' and motivation to do something about it (therapy in most cases). If you give him an ultimatum, that is exceptionally dangerous with a mentally unstable person as it could cause him to snap.

I am going to wrap it up with one more set of questions that are quite different than the rest, as it centers on you. In your previous romantic relationships, what kind of guys did you go out with? Were they similar to your husband? Or different? How were they similar or different?

I am going to repeat what I said last time... Seek out your own individual therapy on this, as your husband does not want to go to couple's therapy, in order to sort out your feelings on your marriage with a licensed professional and what to do about it.

Take care with self-care.

P.S. Disclaimer - I am not a licensed professional (hence my recommendation to go to one); however, I have studied this for several hundred hours that is related with my own situation which has some similarities, and I am sharing what I have learned in the past year on this topic with you and deals with mental health disorders and is not specifically related to 'marriage building' even though I did ask a few questions regarding emotional needs that are.

Too many red flags here, protect yourself and your finances.

And snoop, find out details about his secret second life.

Separate your finances, get legal advice. You are in trouble. And again, protect yourself.

I agree with the others. Please separate and get a lawyer and separate your finances. Have you ran a background check on your husband?

Yes i think about that all the time on us having kids .
He has three children from his previous marriage and is a straight dead war . Doesn’t visit then , haven’t seen them in over five years , do not support them , they barely talk to him. So I have come to the ultimate decision that kids are not in the works for us . I believe he would do me exactly how he did his first Wife , just quit his job , cut off financial support and leave the country or
Something .
He has never physically hit me and has never gotten that angry to a point where I felt I needed to call the authorities. The only instance where I felt scared was when I caught him buying another woman lingire from Victoria Secret. I happen to get an email receipt from Victoria secret . I called him and asked him about it . He immediately came home and with his GUN on his lap , while exhaling to me he was just helping a friend out with her singing performance . She needed an outfit for a show or something . I felt really intimated because the gun was on his lap while he was talking to me . I’ve never seen him take it out of his pants so that scared the hell out of me .

He had blamed me for things that have went wrong for him . For instance , he lost his job at UBER as a driver , due to “unprofessional behavior “ reported by several riders . He had the audacity to blame me for the reason he got banned . His thought process is because I asked him to work a certain week , that if he wouldn’t have went to work he wouldn’t have been reported .he also blames me for the issues in our marriage . He isn’t romantic , when I try and talk to him about it his response is always “you don’t obey “ “you don’t fo every single thing I ask you to do “ I bring up not meeting his children for even his parent his response again is always “you don’t obey , so I can’t trust you to bring you around my family “ until you 100 percent obey me then you
Can have a thing you want “ it’s almost like he’s punishing me for not “obeying him “ . It’s really a terrible situation. I also tried talking to him again today , about getting some professional help , he just laughs it off and told me he will not go to therapy because nothing is wrong with him therefore he will not go. There really isn’t Much I can do for him at this point .

I even caught him sending women money for nudes and porno videos , texting women late at night while I was asleep flirting , offering promises to go on vacations , pay their rent and bills . I even caught him texting some random woman telling her “he’s a street dude” ..and she was telling him how she was falling in love with him this was all via his iwatch . As of three
Months ago , he disconnected his iwatch from his phone so I can no longer see his texts or phone calls .

Why do you think you deserve this? Why do you want to stay with him?

I thought if we went to marriage counseling things would get better

Ok, but it hasn’t, has it?

Are you going to separate from him?

Sounds like a porn addiction - giant red flag

Sounds like he is cheating, or trying to with promises to go on vacations, pay their rent and bills - DOES THIS SOUND FAMILIAR with those 'promises' he made to YOU? This is a giant red flag - this is deal breaker for me, and I have quit a relationship for that reason. Why are you still in this relationship if he treats you this way?

Telling a woman "he's a street dude" has a lot of similar overtones to your story where he would be on skid row! He is fishing for 'codependent' women as they are the only ones who would have a relationship with this kind of man.



You are absolutely correct - PAST BEHAVIORS ARE INDICATIVE FUTURE BEHAVIORS. Please look at all of his behaviors, they will not stop, if anything they will get worse the more he terrorizes (psychologically abusing) you into submission. What would you advise a girlfriend / daughter / female coworker in this kind of marriage?



The simple fact that he brandished a firearm when you confronted him about a Victoria Secret purchased for SOMEONE ELSE, and he "SCARED THE HELL OUT OF" YOU! Statistically speaking with that previous behavior you have a 1 in 5 chance of that weapon being used against you! I highly recommend that do the background check on him to see if he has any charges with violence. YOU MUST GET A SAFETY PLAN!!! Please google "domestic violence safety plan" (when he is not around, or you are at work, or alone and away from him). Also contact your local women's shelter that specializes in that and talk to their social worker and tell them the same exact story you have shared here on this forum.

No man in the situation you described would do that for a woman considering how personal that is, and no woman without ulterior motives would be asking a man to do that for her. Please think if you know of any male or female who would buy intimate apparel for the other if hanky panky wasn't on one or both of their minds?




Everything you just described is abusive and controlling behavior towards you - no one deserves to be abused.

In addition to all of those issues you have described being GIANT RED FLAGS even though I cannot diagnose, with everything that I have read in the past year it sounds a lot like he has a personality disorder - I suspect NPD - Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or worse ( there might be sociopath and/or psychopath tendencies in there too - I have personal experience with one of those and your husband's behaviors exceed his behaviors by a few orders of magnitude, he is rotting away in jail as a suspected serial killer for life ), google it, see if it resonates with you. A good assessment tool that you can do can be found in section 1 of the following book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" by Randi Kreger, 3rd edition (older editions do not have this tool) - while it's target audience is BPD it also discusses NPD which is a very common comorbidity (both conditions are present).



Marriage therapy only works if BOTH partners attend therapy. BOTH must be 'self-aware' of their part of the breakdown in the marriage. BOTH must be willing to do the work to make it better. You clearly state he is not willing to go to therapy, the only way for you to get him to change is for YOU to leave HIM, and this is very much a long shot - considering he has been in communication with other women and has a 'narcissistic supply' - google that too. He has definitively said "NO" to your marriage, what are you going to do about his answer? Will you tolerate more of the same, and worse?

I am going to reiterate, since he brandished a firearm in anger towards you (even if it was in his pants pocket) there is a good chance that YOUR LIFE IS IN DANGER!

Under no circumstances let him know about any of this in this forum.

GET YOURSELF A SAFETY PLAN in place for YOU!!!

Get professional help for yourself, one that specializes for battered women (even though he isn't physical with you, the mental aspect he is) and how to get this addressed.

If you cannot afford a therapist visit the local woman's shelter and talk to their social worker, they are licensed, and they can help you with resources and find a therapist for yourself that you can afford, I pay anywhere from $0 to $20 per visit, and my family has 4 different therapists.

If you cannot do that, visit the local hospital, tell them your story, they can give you resources too.

If you don't want to do any of that, there are alternatives you can do at your home/apartment since you are in the US, 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255) or text HOME to 741741 - use the text option if possible, this way you create a document trail should he do something to you. You could also try 711 or even possibly 988. You need help. You are a victim of abuse (even if you don't feel like it). All of these options are available 24/7.

One last question circling back to the psychopath / sociopath in my life, before he killed his wives (yes plural) he took out life insurance policies on each of them (he was caught on the 2nd one, and he was grooming a 3rd) - has your husband taken out a life insurance policy or policies on you? If so, ...

Take EXTRA care with self-care.

P.S. I am away on a trip until Monday evening, and I may not respond immediately if you reply, if you are in crisis use any of those numbers I mentioned in my previous post.

Itstiffanyluv2u,

Just checking up to see how you are doing, and if you have any more questions.

Hello
Sorry it’s been a hectic week . Everything is the same . Just still trying to figure out how to get out of this mess the best way possible .. a few days ago he went to do rideshare last night. Apparently Lyft was giving out bonuses for drivers . As he was leaving , he had a change of clothes in his hands I just casually ask him the reason for the change of clothes . He replied “just in case I get pulled over by the cops” and then left for the night . Didn’t come back home until 5:30 am this morning . Sometimes he works nights which I verified but why the change of clothes ??then when I texted him after he leaves I ask him are we still married “ in a romantic way “ he replied “YES , but why are you always hating on me , I can’t do anything or make any money because you are always questioning me about everything. Plus today we were kinda discussing finances . He keeps reiterating for me to “focus on buying myself a home” and buy a second car instead of trying to pay off the one I currently have , the car he uses to drive rideshare . When I ask him for help on the car and house his response is “if I can , I can’t make any promises “ ..

Get legal advice. Now.

Hi there,

I will break down what you said. It doesn't sound quite as desperate as your previous post, but it is still very upsetting to you and concerning from what I have read.


A quick Google search revealed the following for your area for Uber/Lyft drivers at https://therideshareguy.com/uber-driver-los-angeles/ indicates the best times to drive are (for your area which I believed that you mentioned is Los Angeles with your previous 'skid row' comment):

-Weekday mornings between 6:30 am and 9:30 am
-Weekday evenings between 4:30 pm and 8 pm
-Weekend evenings (Fri. & Sat.) between 6 pm and 8 pm, and between 10 pm and 3 am
-Weekend mornings and afternoons between 10 am and 2 pm

Rides are pretty much dead between 10 pm and 5 am and he should be home at those times since they are not profitable. How did you verify that he 'sometimes' 'works nights' - I am curious?

Also Lyft gives out bonuses for drivers when there aren't enough drivers on the road, I would imagine that it would be in the hours of best times to drive, and not the middle of the night. Does this make sense to you from a business perspective if you were a Lyft executive?

I agree with your logic with the 'change of clothes' - my thought process is that he plans on sleeping somewhere at a very minimum, and changing when he gets up - my gut tells me something is wrong with the picture if I were in your shoes too. The 'cop' comment has me concerned, if he is changing his appearance after the commision of a crime would be the only reason why he would mention changing what he is wearing as cops don't care what you are wearing as long as it covers the minimum of genitalia.



His comment of 'why are you always hating on me' is called blame-shifting or 'projection' for the psychological term. He also has expressed no desire to financially contribute to the relationship - red flags.

Since you were talking finances; here is a strategy to try to modify his hours to something that you can keep better tabs on other than wondering if he has a midnight liaison with someone / something else.

Since you have indicated that it is your car, I would suggest snooping in your own car, look for paper receipts (tells you where he has been and what he is purchasing - something might jump out as out of place), and anything you would not expect to see, like condom wrappers, drug paraphernalia, additional sets of clothing, and so forth. If he challenges you, you could say something like "I am cleaning the car so you can get better tips from your rides" or "I love to help you out with your business so you can earn more money - especially since I am the owner of the car - I would like to see it kept in the best and cleanest condition possible so you can maximize your profits - I'm trying to help you out" or something similar. If he only drives for Lyft, he should welcome the help; however, if he has something to hide, expect pushback. If you are cleaning the car, bring a bottle of windex and paper towels with you to complete your 'under cover' type work.

Also, share with him the article that I just posted a link to and ask him to drive during those times only and in the areas of the city that are most profitable that way he can have more time for you. I would suggest doing this in a public space like a restaurant and/or park with a lot people nearby - this reduces the chances he will create a scene. See what is response is. The article uses impeccable logic, so if he says he must work in the middle of the night, there is more than likely something else going on... follow your gut feeling on this...




That is the million dollar question... Whether you stay and tolerate this behavior, or do something else is entirely up to you - only you can take care of yourself or fix yourself, you cannot fix him, only he can do that for himself.

I am assuming that you want to "get out" of your marriage based on what has been inferred by myself and others on this thread - please correct me if I am wrong. If you want to end your marriage, you need a plan to keep you safe, it will require a lot of work, and you need to figure out how to leave with the minimum amount of damage to you. You also want to line up all your proverbial ducks in a row before executing your plan. You do not want to give him any inclination on what you are about to do. My previous relationship was almost as toxic as yours, I didn't marry her, but I ran after she cheated on me not once but twice (I had email evidence for both). I also have worked with law enforcement in my career before I retired, so I do know a thing or two about doing this (but not everything as I haven't done it myself).

1. Other than 'cleaning' the car [with ulterior motives - do this when he is sleeping if at all possible - less confrontation is better], do not change your routine with him, until you are ready to act on your 'escape plan'. When a person leaves a relationship like this, the greatest danger is when that person leaves, since he does go to the gym he is likely stronger than you, you have a good chance of being in physical danger especially since he has a gun and has brandished it in a threatening way towards you when you confronted him. If he thinks that you're about to leave that is when it will be getting very dangerous for you. Make your plans while he is out of the home.

2. Get yourself a safety plan, especially since he has threatened you previously with a firearm, you are at risk. This is the template that I used for myself which might be helpful for you: https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety-first-dv-1.pdf. Here is an excellent article that you should read on leaving an abusive relationship https://www.verywellmind.com/making-a-safety-plan-to-escape-abusive-relationship-5069959 use Google for more resources, if he snoops or monitors your phone get a burner phone, if he doesn't use google voice as a secondary number. Also clean your search and page history if he has access to your devices or use the incognito mode when you do stuff related to your plan. Cover your tracks both physically and digitally.

3. Find and retain a divorce attorney, retainer fees start at $5k (where I live, it could be different where you live), if you don't have $5k you will want to consider alternatives, such as the women's shelter in 6c (below). If your only asset is your car, that isn't paid off, you may want to consider stopping making payments on it (if he is in physical possession of it) unless it is close to being paid off. Since he is using it for his 'employment' you might lose the car when you split - ask the attorney what you should do about this.

4. Take inventory of things that tie you to him - shared assets - talk to your attorney on these.
- apartment lease [easier to leave] or mortgage [harder] is his name on the lease/mortgage [yes - harder, no - easier]
- joint [harder] or individual [easier] financial instruments such as bank accounts / credit cards / investment accounts / etc.
- who owns the car [from what you have said it is you]; however, if he uses it for Lyft that can be a problem since he has physical possession of it most of the time; however, do learn his pattern, know where he keeps the keys (so you can take it when he is sleeping). You can rekey a vehicle, but with modern vehicles the cost is around a $1000 +/- depending on the make if you cannot secure all of the keys from him. Alternatively you can use a steering wheel lock (https://www.amazon.com/s?k=steering+wheel+lock)
Note: for joint credit cards, you will be liable for anything he spends on it. Remove your name the same day you leave, one of the first things you want to do when you are physically separated or shut down the card altogether. For joint bank accounts, a judge will likely penalize you if you empty more than half of the remaining funds, instead, ask the bank to freeze the assets within, so he won't empty it (highly likely based on your description of him) until the court can decide on who gets what - talk to your attorney on this.

5. Staying/Leaving your home. If you don't own (have a lease / rent) and your renewal date is soon (a month or three) you may want to plan your exit strategy around that, if longer it may be more costly to you. In any event if you don't own it, it is easier and safer to leave. However, if you do own it and he isn't on your mortgage/property you may want to keep it; however, you will need to assess how safe it is for you. If you think he will use that gun on you, nothing is worth staying for. Also, if you work remotely, you can relocate anywhere, if you aren't this is more problematic as you are tied to a location. Is this an entry level job, where you can find similar work elsewhere, or do you do something that is highly technical and are pretty much locked to a certain location?

6. Organize a emotional (& financial) support system utilizing the fewest number of persons you can [less likely for your husband to find out of your plans before you implement your planl] If you have supportive parents, tell them your situation and enlist their help.
-a. Your parents, if they are supportive, you will need to spill the beans of your nightmarish marriage even if they think it is a fairy tale - Most emotionally healthy parents will come to the rescue and help you out any way they can. However, if they have their own issues (substance abuse, mental health issues, this may be problematic). Enlist their help to escape, and get you back on your feet afterwards. This would be my first choice if I were in your shoes.
-b. Your best friend (who is not a mutual friend to your husband) - confide in them, see if you have a place to stay should you leave your H.
-c. If you cannot count on your parents and/or friends and cannot afford a 2nd rental, you may want to consider a women's shelter - locate one or more near you in case they are filled to capacity, at a minimum contact them and find out what options are available, they can also provide resources such as low cost therapy and/or legal help in your situation.

7. Ensure that you are physically safe as I sense that you are in a bad place. Also consider how much you are willing to lose. Back in 2000, I ran from a crazy ex girl friend, it cost me about $50,000 in losses at the time (mainly in the car payments and 'loans' I financed and signed for) - but I was free and clear from the 'crazy' and I wasn't even married. Now that I am married, my losses would be 20-40x higher - which I cannot afford - hence the reason why I came to Marriage Builders to 'fix' my marriage, but my wife needs to be onboard too - she says she is; however, her actions indicate otherwise. Consider how much you can afford to lose to get away from this mess - the longer you wait, the more costly it will be.

8. Once you have your 'ducks' in a row, execute your plan on the same day as quickly as you can, have check-lists so you don't miss anything, as you will be emotionally activated when this is done, and things can easily be missed. This way you take him 'by surprise' and other than a possible violent physical reaction he won't be able to destroy your bank accounts / credit cards / etc. as easily - I strongly suggest coordinating this with your parents / best friend / and/or legal help.

9 Regarding the gun(s), if you know where he keeps it, move it and hide it immediately before you execute your plan. For my crazy ex gf, I hid them between the mattress and box spring of the spare bed so they wouldn't be used on me, I let her know of the hiding spot when I was free and clear of the house. Hide the bullets somewhere else, keep them separated - a gun cannot be used without bullets in them.

I am sure I am missing a few things here, so get yourself a good attorney, also seek out mental health counseling for yourself to put everything into perspective for yourself. With regards to both of these professionals, be 100% truthful with them, even if there is something you are ashamed of, that way it will be factored in and planned for should it become an issue during your process of detaching and leaving. I know for me, there was a huge emotional component to it, and it has helped me a lot seeking out a good therapist.

From what you have shared, it is comparatively easy to get a divorce since you do not have children (this would make it many times more difficult), you don't own a home (nothing to tie you down, other than the terms of your rental/lease agreement), you own the vehicle (however, he drives it for Lyft - however, as it is in your name, take possession of it if you can - consult your attorney), and any joint bank accounts that you might have together. You can make a clean(ish) break right now - the longer you wait, the more difficult it will be with alimony support payments towards him.

Once you have physically separated, consult with a mental health counselor/therapist on what your next steps should be, also use this as a learning experience on what 'not' to do in the future.

Take care of yourself with self-care since your H is not an active participant in your relationship.

@sailor moon . Thank you very much again for your help and guidance and insight .😊 I will defintely take these tips in mind and try to execute . As far as his work Schduele , he just kinda just tells me ..sometimes in advance , “hey they are giving out bonuses tonight , I’m gonna work tonight “ and then sometimes I’ll wake up in the middle of the night to go to the kitchen and he will be gone .😩 . I have checked around the car a little bit yesterday actually . He has a whole trash bag full of towels he used to wash the car and clothes and tennis shoes … at one point I did find a money order made out to a female about a year ago ..but other than that just bank atm receipts and gas station receipts ..what’s funny is I had left a cleaners receipt which had my full name on it . I made sure to put in the upper dashboard area compartment . He must have took it out and discarded it ..makes me wonder why he would discard my cleaner receipt ..🥴 … no shared assets , no joint bank accounts . He is really pushing me to buy a house and keeps asking me have I been saving for the house ..he actually got upset with me the other day because I told him I would prefer to pay off the car instead of buying a home .when is ask for financially help on the car and home ..his response is always “ I can’t make any promises “ and actually got upset and called me disobdient because he things I should buy a new car instead of paying off the car we have now ..not sure where I go from here but I will try to be strong and carry one

What is your plan? Are you going to take action?

Find out what his secret sefond life is. Legally protect yourself.

Don't blog, act.

No kids, no shared assets and no shared accounts. All of these things are favorable for a clean break with minimal losses considering everything that is going on based on your description. Get your ducks in a row, get some legal help to make sure all of your i's are dotted and t's are crossed. Make sure you have a safety plan in place, and a support network (parent/s, best friend, therapist, attorney).

I know it is a lot easier to think and listen to me and others here than to actually do it. I've been in a couple of emotionally abusive relationships and it is a lot harder to do than what others make it out to be, you need to get all the support that you can get to navigate this difficult part of your life, and it can seem overwhelming. The sooner you act, the sooner you will be free, and with less damage.

Just remember if you have a girlfriend, daughter, aunt, female coworker in a marriage like yours what would you recommend for them to do? And, then follow your own advice on the matter.

Take care with self-care.

Your husband doesn't want a partner- he wants an indentured servant. I see no extraordinary care, radical honesty or POJA being practiced in this marriage. I do see Independent Behavior and Selfish Demands on his part.