Abusive/Controlling/Anger Problem-How forgive??? - 06/06/11 03:55 AM
Hello! I hope you/someone can help me! Let me get some facts out: I've been married 13 years to a man who was an only child and in my opinion a monster created by his parents. lol He has been physically abusive our entire marriage, not daily or weekly but he would snap every 4 months or so, hitting me; but always throwing something or cursing at me. He has always been controlling. He is cranky and throws fits when he doesn't get his way. He is 34, I am 39. The word divorce was not a part of my vocabularly. I am religious and felt I required scriptural grounds for a divorce. I should have left years ago for the physical abuse but kept enduring, thinking he would "grow up" one day and be more like his father who is calm and gentle. Didn't happen. He got worse. I was never aggressive, never yelled back or hit him back. I kept trying to set a good example. I accidently got pregnant in our 5th year of marriage, so life was happier for me. Loved being a mother, I was away from him more. I thought I could keep enduring. We planned the second child. Then a 3rd. So three children, ages 9/7/5. Girl, boy, boy. I guess the stress of being a mother of 3, I could not endure his personality any longer and told him so. Told him we needed to seek help. He refused. Finally, after a period time of my pleading to seek help, he confessed that he also had sexual addictions. Visiting strip clubs (lap dances) our entire marriage, phone sex, pornography, meeting prostitutes at motels for massages and hand jobs. Never sexual intercourse. I believe this is true. So now I have grounds for divorce (this came to light two years ago). I was so happy to be FREEEEEEE!~ But then reality hit me regarding my sweet babies. I had been the one to daily care for them, and that I DO! I frequently receive compliments on being such a good mother. (Smile) I could not fathom not being with them DAILY. I just could not. Since he was begging to not divorce, to let him work on his faults, then I decided to give it some time to see if something made me feel differently. By the way, his sexual problems did not even hurt me b/c he had killed my love years ago. I have yet to feel any pain over his sexual problems. The physical abuse done me in years ago. I could not love him or find it in myself to forgive him, so we divorced six months ago. Here comes the shocker! lol A month and a half ago, I discovered he was dating one of my friends (a close friend until recently, as we have drifted apart after I had 3 children, she could not handle that stress. lol So we drifted apart) When I found out, I panicked!!!!!! I could not fathom this woman being my children�s step-mother!!!!! I talked to him about it and he asked me to give him another chance, that he was a different man, that he�d been working on himself. I said for us to take it slow and start doing things as a family. He said no, he could not handle the worry of wondering what would happen. He had waited on me for the past two years to forgive him. I panicked, knowing my ex-friend would sink her claws into him (he has money and she wants that lifestyle). So we renewed our marriage vows. HOW THIINGS ARE TODAY: I do not feel attracted to him and I am leery of him. I cannot bring myself to kiss him or have sex with him. I feel as if I am being raped when near him. So I told him to refrain from approaching me until I receive some type of counseling. He has not hit me. He still seems to have a bad temper, he still throws fits. And he is angry at me for remarrying him but still holding emotional baggage. He says I should not have married him if I was not healed. I agree but I was willing to do anything to keep my children free of problems that I strongly foresaw. Okay, help please. Hold no fury back! lol I can take any and all advice or scolding! I just need some help! Thank you. (*.~) (This was longer than I intended, but hey, that�s 13 years in a nutshell!!! lol)