Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 2
J
JVcat Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
J
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 2
I'm brand new to this site so pardon my lack of abbreviations-

I'm 29, my H is 33. We have been together for 4 1/2 years and married for almost 2. He is military, and was a city cop. When we met he didn't want anything to do with love/marriage/children. He is previously divorced with a child and his ex is not so nice. He proposed to me while he was home on leave from a deployment, bought a house and got married sooner than expected (his idea not mine).
About 10 months ago I found out he had oral sex performed on him by a woman he had met through work. This woman told his job about it, he was put on admin leave and was basically forced to tell me. It happened 3 months after we were married. I was in total shock and in disbelief, but was willing to go to counseling. His reasoning was that he had just gotten home from deployment, we moved in together, got married and he just wasn't sure what he wanted but was sorry and was a changed man because of it. Healing is such a slow progress especially since he had complications with work and recently resigned. Jobless, he turned to the military and decided to focus his career there. Currently he is in training and won't be home for a few more weeks. This morning he told me that he had a conversation with an old married friend of his who was having marital problems and he was merely boosting her ego. Her husband got a hold of the texts and threatened to send them to me and well that forced my H to tell me. I demanded the texts and got only one but it was dirty enough to be disturbing and emotionally damaging. He swears he would never act on it and it was all hypothetical but i told him he was only lying to himself. I've asked if I was fulfilling his needs and he said emphatically yes. He feels that he has some kind of problem and is regretful and sorry.
Now at this stage of the game I've shut my emotions down. Of course I'm sad but I didn't let it affect my workday and I'm not sobbing like I did the first time. I honestly looked at divorce papers today...I can't tell if this will work.

Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
Time to call his exwife and find out why they divorced.

I would not be surprised that he was a manslut dropping his pants for OW all the time.

Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,389
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,389
Originally Posted by JVcat
He feels that he has some kind of problem and is regretful and sorry.

Short marriage, you are young, no kids on your part, multiple (known) infidelities... I'd say it is not worth it anymore.

I think this man is apologizing to you about being unable to stay faithful, both in the past and in your future. People like this "warn" their partner so future indiscretions can be met with: "you knew what I was like..."

I agree with PP: If his ex/mother of his child is a nasty person, one can only imagine why she feels that way towards him. I suspect she's already been through this merry-go-round. This is the kind of man that ends up with 6-8 wives by his 50's.

Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964
JVcat,

Sounds like he is really good at blame shifting and will never come clean with you. Does he ever see himself in the wrong?

If you have no children with him just divorce this guy.

And I agree with THE ROAD his ex W will give you a more realistic view of what you can expect from this guy.

Also a guy like this might fight like hell to keep you once you tell him you are leaving, "oh I'll be better, I'm gonna change", maintain your resolve.

God Bless
Gamma

Last edited by Gamma; 02/14/12 11:11 AM.
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 2
J
JVcat Offline OP
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
J
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 2
Thanks for the input- According to him- he NEVER cheated on her...perhaps I shouldn't believe that story anymore. The ex and I have fairly good communication so perhaps I will have a little conversation. @ Gamma- He was fighting like hell...until he left for training and then...there ya go. He only wants me and feels like a failure because he failed me, us, his child. UGHHH!! I stuck around the first time because I feel strongly about my vows to God, but I'm seriously losing hope. I'll be able to better assess this mess when I have him face to face.


Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (NewEveryDay), 1,357 guests, and 77 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5