I have read so many messages in past two months and I am really confused about what to think and do.I have been married five years and have known my husband seven years now.He has always had a raging temper and I have been facing the brunt of it since we met even when we dating.I thought our relationship was going too fast but somewhere let me take over my life.I have been in counseling for a while and have learnt that I am in an emoionally abusive relationship.I thought my counseling would be an eye opener for my husband but he does not bother asking me what I learnt at my sessions never even brings up the fact that I am in counseling.In the meantime I have realized that I am not over my past relationship which I had to end due to parental presure.I truly believe I belong with him and he has waited all these years for me and I have a conviction that I belong with him.But I am also very disappointed at how my marriage has gone and feel so lost.Pls help.

Wow, that's a lot to be dealing with.

For a brief background, I would be the H in your situation. I treated my wife horribly, for 9+ years. After serious effort things are tremendously better, so much so that frankly, I don't know th eold Jaye at times.

WIth that said, here are some questions and comments:

o) What does your C think you should do? The diagnosis has been made, which is great, but how do they propose you deal with it?

o) I would encourage you to get the book, "The verbally abusive relationship" by Patricia Evans, which is an *excellent* resource in dealing with this type of stuff. That book saved my marriage as it gave my W tools to deal with me.

Be aware that according to evans, EA/VA tends to escalate to PA, so you don't want to let this go on.

o) I suspect the reason your H doesn't ask you what you learn is because he doesn't care. Why would he? He has all the power in the relationship, and learning that he should change isn't in the game plan. Why? Because he doesn't/won't see the benefit.

o) There is a thread on this book over in the EN forum I would encourage you to read and check out.

o) You say facing the brunt of it. Is there physical abuse as well?

o) Was there abuse in your upbringing as well? The sense of needing to stay with the abuser has its roots in various places, none of them good.

o) What convinced you to marry this guy when he was already acting this way during the dating phase? Did you think that somehow once you were married things would get better? I'm trying to understand your thought process.

o) What have you done about it besides counseling?

o) I would assume your H doesn't see any problems, or if there is a problem, it's all in your head or up to you to deal with.

o) Any children?

Thanks for your comments.I guess I left a lot of questions unanswered.No we have no kids as yet.He is too ambitious to have the time for one right now.He spent two and half years after our marriage getting his MBA,during which I was left to myself a lot which is where the growth spurt in me happened.My C is helping me a lot in terms of strenghtening me to get my power back but I frankly donI't see that happening because I don't get even share concepts or thoughts when I come back home.There is no physical abuse so as to say but there have been occasions where my husband has spat on my face.There was no abuse in my upbringing although there has always been this strong sense of acting right all the time with my parents and sibling and having this sense of rejection if I did not.That was the main reason I broke up with my earlier relationship my parents did not approve him and this is very common with South Asian families which is where my upbringing is from.
I married him because he made things official with my family and his very early on in the relationship actually within two weeks inspite of my requesting him not to do so but anyways he had done it and there was no turning back because that would not been the right thing to do.
Besides C I have been reading a lot of books and reading up tons of articles and forums on emotional abuse.

Hmmm. And Hmmmm some more. It seems to me you're in a bit of a quandary. There are perhaps some cultural forces at work here that are keeping you in bondage to this man.

What are you wanting? It is a fundamental premise that you can't change your H. Nothing you can do will force him to change. You can change yourself by doing things like establishing boundaries, and stuff like that, and in the process your H may choose to join you.

But frankly I don't see a lot of hope, because at the root, your H has no reason
to change. He certainly doesn't seem to love you, or if he does, it's a very interesting definition. He without question doesn't respect you as a person, that's evidenced by his actions, his words notwithstanding. He doesn't see you as his equal in the relationship at all.

I would ask your C exactly what he/she thinks you will be able to do to bring about change in the dynamics of your relationship. Self-discovery is a good thing, but being miserable, and through C knowing why you're miserable isn't really helpful.

It is pretty much a given that Emotional abuse eventually turns to Physical abuse if left to run its course. You will need to prepare yourself for that.

I really encourage you to get the Patricia Evans book, especially if your C doesn't give you some *concrete* tools to help you cope with your H's issue.

Well you have really hit the issue on the nail.It is so clear when someone else says it but we often tend to downplay so many things which are personal to us.I guess that is what I have been doing.And when realization hits gosh it hits you hard.My question to you is what prompted you to change.
And honestly I am just buying time and strength to get out of this marraige because I am coming to the slow and harsh realization that I had given up long ago.

Heh, I have a long story, I used to keep links around somewhere. But in short,
I was married for 9 years or so, most of them miserable. We went to MC, pastors, friends, all kinds of stuff, tried everything. Nothing worked.

Eventually my W kicked me out of the house. I went through 7 months or so of individual therapy, and at one point, was sitting in my hotel room and realized that I was not going to allow th emarriage to fail. If she watned out, it was going to be her doing, not mine.

And from that, what followed, followed.

After abotu 2.5 years of recovery, things are great.

there was more to it than that, but that's the highpoint.

However, you're on the other side of the coin. And short of somethign drastic, there's not too much I can suggest. Get the book. See what you think. I'll send you a copy if money is an issue, it's part of my ministry...

Thanks for the offer of the book, no money is not a issue thank god I have a job and am financially independent if not anything else.

An update after my C sesion yesterday.I am still such a hopeless optimist.I got fooled twice by my H yesterday thinking he was going to finally ask me how my session was and nope.He did not even realize I was gone.I keep getting stronger when I go there for an hour or so and then back home nothing.My C keeps asking me to communicate with my H but how.I know I should not spring anything on him like that,but when someone is as ignorant and oblivious to all my needs how can I communicate.To even start a dialogue people need to meet somewhere not even half way atleast begin to understand where I am at but when nothing exists on the other side where do I begin.He already knows how I have been this last two months, he also keeps telling me in passing that he knows I am not attracted to him anymore then how can he continue pretending all is fine and great?
I am so amazed that someone can live in such denial for so long.

2 things.

If your C is competent, then ask them for a *specific* way you can open the lines of communication. Word for word. You're paying them the money to counsel, don't take less than your money's worth.

Your H has no incentive to ask you about C sessions, because he doesn't want to hear about how he's contributing to the problem. Ostrich syndrome and all that.
Hear no evil...

Perhaps the comments about his knowing you're not attracted to him could be an opening for dialog? Perhaps when he says that you could then ask him if the two of you can figure out a way to change that?

I confronted him last night it was so funny.Left me feeling like nothing had been resolved again.I started by saying how he never even asks me how my sessions went to which he replied he thought he might get hurt in the process that is why he did not bother asking and was worried if he could take that much hurt at this time in his life.But continued talking.Told him exacty what I wanted to but again felt like I was the bad person.Told I did not feel respected since the day we met to which he replied how could he have lived with a person he did not respect.He kept saying he would have never gone to counselor to break the marriage like I had tried to do.
I also told him how unsure I was about getting married in the first place I realize that was hurtful to any man but I had to be honest to him and to myself to which he replied that I could realize my mistake five years after being married as the risk of ruining his life.Which made me feel very very little.This morning I tried bringing up issues again because he was back to being normal and asked him how he could he be like after all we spoke last night to which he said his life was like Classroom lectures once they were done then he moved on to the next lecture.Where does that leave me and my feelings?

For starters, men hate relational talks. So they need to be more negotiations than you unloading all your hurts and pains.

You *need* to read teh basic concep tmaterial on this site and review the material on "safe negotiation", and how to have the kind of conversation that you're wanting to have productively.

More rounds of LB's will only serve to drive a wedge between you further.

And put the screws to your counselor to give you real tips on how to communicate with him, possibly via some play acting, etc.

Update on me........my counselor has given me a clean bill of mental health and basically thinks I am not in need of any more sessions.So I can see her as and when I feel the need to.But asked me ask my H one qs if he did or did not want to listen to what I had to say or what I had learnt from my sessions.I answer I got was a clean and simple NO.Did it hurt me???Yes.

I don't have any more good ideas for you. It sounds like your H has made his intentions and feelings clear, and so far, isn't willing to budge.

Of course, on one hand, he's not going to really be interested in hearing a slugfest about what a loser he is (which a lot of men tend to view MC as male/husband bashing). So perhaps he's unwilling to ask, because he doesn't think he's going to like the answer.

You have to decide if you're willing to stay in an abusive relationship, or what you're going to do about it to protect yourself. You can't make him change.

Be aware that history shows that verbal abuse almost always escalates into physical abuse. So be cognizant of your own safety.