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Joined: Dec 2008
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Hi y'all, I'm a noob. I've read on these boards since initial d-day 1/17/2008, but this is my first post. I'm totally lost.

So here goes with my sordid tale. Background: Together 1999, married 2001. His second marriage (brought son w/him), my first. Had our kids 2002 and 2005.

Overall our marriage has been wonderful, well, minus the whole adultery thing! He is excellent dad, good provider, engaged in family and very good to me.

Jan 2008 I start becoming suspicious of some behaviour, like him texting people and talking on the phone in private. I immediately get voice recorder and start snooping. Takes me about 4 days to find a slew of e-mails which make it clear he is having affair with prior co-worker (she had quit 3 months prior). He had also dated this woman about the same time he and I met, but she went back to her husband after he became serious with me.

I confront, he confesses "friendship which I would find inappropriate" over last several years and PA twice since she had quit employer. We begin MC (worthless), I find MB and start Plan A, which seems to go swimmingly. He's committed to me, does everything he's supposed to, is remorseful. I exposed to all our family/friends, who all disapproved and put pressure on him. I did not expose to OWH (mistake #1).

Fast forward to August 2008. I find evidence on continued contact but no evidence of PA. I confront, he cries, claims she was going through crisis and needed him and he couldn't turn her away. Also that she continued to "drop by" his workplace (her former workplace) and that it was too hard not to talk to her. I believe this fog (mistake #2).

12/15/08: DH is let go from his job, cause is unrelated to OW. Says he's glad because OW can no longer "drop by" to have lunch with the girls or contact him through work cell or e-mail, which she had done.

Last Friday I'm in his personal e-mail account (same one I busted him last time) and there is innocent "merry christmas" message from her. I tell him about it and tell him that I'm responding with standard, brief NC response. He says fine, good.

Her response to him indicated (very colorfully, too) that the affair was still going on. I confront again, he denies - says that she's just pissed at him for breaking it off, getting back at him, fog fog fog. After about 24 hours he confesses everything. PA had lasted years (on and off) and had started back up again within 2 months of first exposure.

So I personally contact her and she agrees to meet me over coffee (the girl's got guts). We have lovely 2 hour conversation. Her story mostly matches his. She loves him with all her heart (isn't that sweet) and is willing to wait for him no matter how long it takes. Her DH has no clue. My WH is only using her for sex and she knows this but thinks, after several years, that she can still get his love in return. She cried and cried about how much she's hurt me and how sorry she is blah blah blah. I seriously feel sorry for this pathetic excuse of a woman, but at least she had the decency to talk to me.

Financially I can afford to walk today. I work and can certainly take care of my kids, so that's not my issue.

I just want to know where to go from here. I honestly don't know if I want to save the marriage or if he's even capable of being monogomous with anyone. If we do try to reconcile, do I do Plan A, which didn't work (probably because I was too trusting)? Do I consider the last year my overly long Plan A and go straight to Plan B? Do I expose to OWH, which I'm having a hard time doing because I feel so stinking sorry for the waste of good air?

If I do another Plan A, how do I know he's not continuing A? How long do I have to play 007 wife?

Is he worth it? Yes, I think so. If I could get a guarantee our marriage can be what I thought it was, minus the affair, I would take him back. But how in the world can I judge that????

So so lost here. Any adivce/perceptions/offers to injur WH greatly appreciated...


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WELCOME

I just had to rotflmao at

Quote
If I could get a guarantee our marriage can be what I thought it was, minus the affair, I would take him back. But how in the world can I judge that????

a guarantee huh?

why not? flirt

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Do I expose to OWH,

Absolutely!

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Her DH has no clue.

Fix that problem today.


Testosterone boys! Testosterone! It ain’t just for nose, ear and back hair anymore!
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Why did he divorce his first wife?

Call OWH NOW. RIGHT NOW. Then start your list of everyone else you're going to expose to, and finish it all by end of day. Get it over with TODAY.

THEN see what happens.

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I have to ask why you married a man that was having an affair with a married woman? Did this lack of morals not concern you at the time? BTW, welcome to MB. Please expose immediately to OWH. The poor man deserves the truth.


Faith

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I will contact OWH. I have their home number/addy. I'd rather find his work # so I am working on that today. They have 3 teenagers and I don't want to create a scene around them. Otherwise I'm pretty sure she'll go out new years eve and leave him at home with kids so I could call him then.

I've exposed to everyone else - family, friends. Not the prior employer. Neither work there anymore so I don't see the point and don't believe they'd care now anyway.

Still wondering about exposing to 15 yo stepson. Not sure if that's the right thing to do.

What I've been told about dh's first marriage is that they married after dating 2 months b/c she got pregnant and that they were never a good match anyway. She left him soon after the baby was born because she felt they were too young to be married. She and I are on good terms and I'm considering asking her version and also exposing to her (not sure she'd care though).


Me - BS - 31
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DS - 6
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Originally Posted by faithful follower
I have to ask why you married a man that was having an affair with a married woman? Did this lack of morals not concern you at the time? BTW, welcome to MB. Please expose immediately to OWH. The poor man deserves the truth.

Good point. She and her husband were separated at the time - living seperate and in divorce proceedings but legally still married. I guess that was pretty ignorant on my part. He is lacking in the morals department, and this was an indication that I overlooked.


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This was Mistake #1...you knew he dated married women. sigh

Originally Posted by mom2redheads
He had also dated this woman about the same time he and I met, but she went back to her husband after he became serious with me.

Expose to OWH and nuke her anywhere else you can. Expose to family and friends that will be of help to you.

Quote
I seriously feel sorry for this pathetic excuse of a woman, but at least she had the decency to talk to me.

OW has zero decency. You jut said, "She loves him with all her heart (isn't that sweet) and is willing to wait for him no matter how long it takes. Her DH has no clue. My WH is only using her for sex and she knows this but thinks, after several years, that she can still get his love in return." Those are not the words of a decent woman.



BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Expose OWH today. ASAP.

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Originally Posted by Pepperband
WELCOME

I just had to rotflmao at

Quote
If I could get a guarantee our marriage can be what I thought it was, minus the affair, I would take him back. But how in the world can I judge that????

a guarantee huh?

why not? flirt

LOL now Pep, be nice. laugh

What Pepperband is saying, is NOBODY has a guarantee. The only guarantee in life is that you'll die someday. That's it. You can't guarantee you'll never cheat, he can't guarantee he'll never do it again. It just isn't possible.


Me(bw/fww) 39
recovering with amazing fwh/bh 36
DS 7
DS 4

His
EA Oct '07 - 7/2/08 (d-day)
NC 7/4/08

Hers
EA/RA 6/'09-3/'10
NC 3/17/10


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My WH is only using her for sex and she knows this but thinks, after several years, that she can still get his love in return."

D'ya know what happens with OW that are like this?

YOU get an OC along with the rest of the infidelity.

Trust.

VD said the EXACT same things.


I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?

O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten.

My Story

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Originally Posted by Dealan-de
YOU get an OC along with the rest of the infidelity.


OMG that would be horrible. She was tied after her baby #3 (long before she met my DH) AND my DH has had vasectomy. Little chance of that but the thought is enough to send me over the edge.


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Her words and the fact that she says she's "okay" with settling for the crumbs that he throws her tell me that she has/will try ANYTHING - I mean anything - to get him.

VD slashed her wrists in front of my fwh.

She used the OCs as pawns constantly - even calling one night saying she was sleeping with OC and a knife IN the bed cos she didn't know what she was gonna do. Her mother was called and she checked on VD and yep...she was passed out in the bed with OC and a knife right there with them.

(aside...scuse me...FREAK!...okay...I said it...I feel better now)

Women like this will pull whatever drama they can to get the man.

Then they get to the point where even NEGATIVE attention is GOOD attention in their eyes.

And don't trust that she had the snip-a-roonie. I know of a woman that has an OC now because the OW told the wh that she was fixed.

She lied.

OW lie.

You can bank on it.

I'm glad your h has been fixed...but you never know the drama that an OW will spout.

Don't talk to her again....

I'm telling this for your own good. Now that she's "out" to you, she will try to confide in you about your h. She will tell you things you never needed to know...in an effort to hurt you enough that you'll leave.

It's time to out her to her BH, tho. He needs to know that he needs an STD test AT LEAST.

(you too, hon...I'm so sorry...the hardest thing I've done is to tell my doc to run the full spectrum of tests...)

I'm going to go bleach my mental eye out now. I hate remembering the poop VD did.


I never had to take the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution?

O'hana means family, and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten.

My Story

Recovered!
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Dealan-de - funny you say that she will try to tell me things about my wh to make me leave - I've gotten three of those e-mails so far. Wow, OW are all the same, aren't they...

Does anyone have an opinion as to whether or not I start Plan A AGAIN or if I go straight to Plan B now?

I've been trying to reach OWH today. I cannot find out his employer (I know where he used to work and they said he's no longer there). The home # just rings and rings and rings. I do have his address, but they have teenagers and I wouldn't want them to find out like that.

I'll keep trying the home #.


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Block her email. Yes, they are ALL the same. Blech! When I exposed to the first OW's H, I found out her schedule and called him when I knew she would be out of the house. He answered and I gave him enough information for him to know I was telling the truth. Man was she riled at me, LOL!

Last edited by faithful follower; 12/30/08 05:13 PM.

Faith

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For now I'd stay with Plan A and wait to see what comes about from your exposure to OWH.

My OW was the same. Was willing to take scraps and when FWH dumped her she took it upon herself to try and get me to leave him by expose him to me. I now can laugh at how pathetic she is. laugh


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Originally Posted by black_raven
For now I'd stay with Plan A and wait to see what comes about from your exposure to OWH.

My OW was the same. Was willing to take scraps and when FWH dumped her she took it upon herself to try and get me to leave him by expose him to me. I now can laugh at how pathetic she is. laugh


OK I'll stick with Plan A for a while. God please give me the strength to not castrate him in the meantime.

I really look forward to the day that I can laugh at her.

I'm still trying to contact OWH. Phone just rings. Can't figure out where he works. I've sent a message to a person w/same name in same city on Facebook. I wouldn't think a 41 yo man would have a facebook account, but maybe it's him???


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Originally Posted by mom2redheads
I wouldn't think a 41 yo man would have a facebook account, but maybe it's him???

Hey - I've got a Facebook account and I'm 43 :-P


ManInMotion
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I do have his address, but they have teenagers and I wouldn't want them to find out like that.

If you don't have any luck reaching him by phone--you could send him a Certified letter with the "addressee only" box checked. That way he is the only one who can sign for it.

Charlotte

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