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#2891948 12/29/16 10:52 PM
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It's been over a year since I last posted, and I just thought I'd drop by and leave an update to our situation. Just an FYI for the people that previously offered advice, and a sort of closure for me for the new year.

I filed for divorce in July 2015 to protect myself financially from a mortgage that Remark was pursuing. We discussed the options and decided on this route, knowing it could simply be tossed out if we got our act together. Whenever asked, Remark consistently responded that he wanted to save our marriage, yet he continued to focus almost all of his time and energy on rehabbing his condo. He also purchased a new car and a motorcycle, without my prior knowledge. In November, I discovered that he had created an account on Match.com and was receiving "daily matches."

In November, we also got notice of our hearing date, scheduled for January.

Seeing the end in sight, I asked Remark for some tangible effort to back up his claim that he wanted to reconcile, or to simply tell me he wanted to proceed with the divorce. So in December, we had some significant contact with Dr. Harley. At the end of December, Dr. Harley's evaluation to me was not encouraging.

In January, we discussed what to do about the pending court date. Neither had any real hope, and we decided to just let it play out. So on Jan 13, 2016, we divorced. We did so quite calmly and amiable, without attorneys, even claiming to want to remain friends.

In spite of this, Remark tells people that *I* divorced *him*. Several times, I've reminded him of how we discussed and decided together at every step, and he'll recall and admit to it, but then shortly after reverts back to his original stance. Apparently, it's just something he needs to believe.

Over the next six months, without the conflict and tension associated with trying to make a "marriage," we got along fairly well. I had no desire to pursue someone else, and we still had our son to consider, so I would ask Remark if he wanted to try dating each other. He always said "yes," though it rarely actually happened. By July, he told me he had met someone on Match.com and didn't want to try with me anymore, even though he previously told me that he had canceled his membership. I found out afterwards that he had been dating women he met on Match.com the whole time. I was thankful that we weren't sexual during that time.

Remark and this woman got very involved, very quickly. By August, he was doing regular sleepovers with her. Our son walked in on them one night in bed together, but Remark was unmoved and defended his actions. He kept trying to push her and our son together, even punishing our son because he wanted nothing to do with her. By September, our son was living with me full-time and refused to even speak to Remark. Even after 3 months of total rejection by our son, Remark continues his heavy involvement with this woman, valuing his relationship with her over his relationship with his son. I can't even imagine.

A male friend of his (ours) told me today that he had even tried to organize an "intervention," because he(they/the group of Remark's male friends) were so appalled by Remark's behavior and the damage he was doing to our son. But the pastor that has counseled Remark intensely for years said it wouldn't do any good because Remark still doesn't recognize his own faults, and "doesn't have ears to hear." And while the validation is always comforting to me to hear, it doesn't help my son's situation unfortunately. At this point, it's a conscious choice and effort to remain amiable with him.

I wasn't in any hurry to start dating anyway, but seeing the impact this has had on my son has caused me to choose not to date at least until my son is off to college. At least. I started attending DivorceCare a few months back. And hearing the women in the group describe their exes, and knowing that those men are the types of men out there in the dating scene makes it easy to resist. doh2

And actually, I'm quite content with the way things are right now. I'm using this time to rediscover the person I used to be but lost along the way, defining what I want my future to look like. It was tough at first, knowing that the hopes and plans and dreams I had for my marriage were no longer going to be possible. And part of me still feels married; but then I spent the better part of my adult life with one person. I think maybe I'm still in love with the person I married, but I also know that that person never actually existed.

Given all that, I don't regret the divorce at all, for myself. I wish there had been another way for my son. But I've been able to let go of my anger; I feel good about myself for the first time in years; I've been able to do things for myself and be a little "selfish" for a change, without worrying about POJA. I am genuinely better off now. And without discounting the negative impact of the divorce on my son, there have been positive benefits to him as well, the biggest being the the overall tone of our home and the state of his/my relationship. He's a great kid!

Still some work to be done, but for the most part, life is good and getting better all the time! I have hope for a happy future, which I haven't had in a long time. cool

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JustDay2Day, thanks for the update! It's awesome to hear that life is good and getting better all the time! It makes sense that your hope is coming back.

I know Plan B is for infidelity, but your sentences with Remark in them have a tone in them so different, like despair compared to joy, that I want to ask you what do you think about some Plan B? That whole thing where folks are telling you what Remark says about the breakup, and you taking that and going back to him with it to tell him what you think, and then expect him to say that, sounds like the opposite of the peace you and your son so richly deserve. When folks want to bring up Remark and what he says, would it be honest to say that that is something you don't want to talk about any more?

I remember after my divorce in 2010, my xh telling me he told mutual friends I divorced him because I didn't support his career. I didn't see it at the time, but I allowed it to get me back into discussions I don't EVER have to have again. Telling you this today, it's none of my business what my xh thinks or even what you think of me telling you. If that makes sense.

I encourage you to keep listening to Dr. H. I don't remember how old your son is, but Dr. H's idea of 15 hours FC time showing thoughtfulness has been wonderful to keep going with teenagers. I love the mom I've become with their midwest thoughtfulness. So different than the way folks down here complain about their kids and don't value what treasure they have.

I think knowing you're taking steps to be the best mom you can be will help you disengage from what kind of father Remark is. He didn't have it for you and he doesn't have it for your boy. On some level you may have suspected this going in, and you married him and had a son with him anyway. What's done is done, and Remark's relationship with your son is not your problem to fix. Maybe your son has a youth group at your church or uncles or something who can be that male example.


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It sounds like divorce was the best ending for you hear, I am glad to hear you are doing well.

I agree that you should consider Plan B. I would say that if Remark was on dating websites while continuing to try to reconcile, it is considered wayward behavior. Much of what he has been doing since is wayward behavior. You don't need to have this negativity continue to impact you if you don't want to. You can go into Plan B and protect yourself from his nonsense. There is really no reason NOT to.

You and your son deserve to move on without his negative impact. You sound like you have a great start to that.

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Originally Posted by unwritten
It sounds like divorce was the best ending for you hear, I am glad to hear you are doing well.

I agree that you should consider Plan B. I would say that if Remark was on dating websites while continuing to try to reconcile, it is considered wayward behavior. Much of what he has been doing since is wayward behavior. You don't need to have this negativity continue to impact you if you don't want to. You can go into Plan B and protect yourself from his nonsense. There is really no reason NOT to.

You and your son deserve to move on without his negative impact. You sound like you have a great start to that.

Good advice. I'd encourage you to protect yourself from your ex by living a life where you know as little about him as possible.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by NewEveryDay
I know Plan B is for infidelity

No, it's for protecting you from someone who drives you nuts and allowing you to heal. Infidelity is the most well known example of that.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by NewEveryDay
JustDay2Day, thanks for the update! It's awesome to hear that life is good and getting better all the time! It makes sense that your hope is coming back.

I know Plan B is for infidelity, but your sentences with Remark in them have a tone in them so different, like despair compared to joy, that I want to ask you what do you think about some Plan B? That whole thing where folks are telling you what Remark says about the breakup, and you taking that and going back to him with it to tell him what you think, and then expect him to say that, sounds like the opposite of the peace you and your son so richly deserve. When folks want to bring up Remark and what he says, would it be honest to say that that is something you don't want to talk about any more?

I remember after my divorce in 2010, my xh telling me he told mutual friends I divorced him because I didn't support his career. I didn't see it at the time, but I allowed it to get me back into discussions I don't EVER have to have again. Telling you this today, it's none of my business what my xh thinks or even what you think of me telling you. If that makes sense.

I encourage you to keep listening to Dr. H. I don't remember how old your son is, but Dr. H's idea of 15 hours FC time showing thoughtfulness has been wonderful to keep going with teenagers. I love the mom I've become with their midwest thoughtfulness. So different than the way folks down here complain about their kids and don't value what treasure they have.

I think knowing you're taking steps to be the best mom you can be will help you disengage from what kind of father Remark is. He didn't have it for you and he doesn't have it for your boy. On some level you may have suspected this going in, and you married him and had a son with him anyway. What's done is done, and Remark's relationship with your son is not your problem to fix. Maybe your son has a youth group at your church or uncles or something who can be that male example.

Hey New! Thanks for dropping in. Your comment is understandable, because there is some truth to what you said, something I see too. Ironically, as I was writing my post, my whole attitude/demeanor changed. No one was here to witness it or point it out to me, but I felt it. I just don't have that need to talk about it like I used to. Even deciding to write the post was not an automatic thing for me. I referred to it as closure for me. Maybe more like throwing up when you're sick -- I hate it, but figured I'd feel better afterwards, and tie up some loose ends. It wasn't pleasant to write, so I suspect that came through, kind of like digging up old memories from the past.

I'm not sure I could ever do Plan B in the Harley sense. He's not coming back and I don't want him back. I've gone dark with him except for things that need addressing regarding our son, and even then I keep it short and to the point. I'm certain that's part of the reason why I'm feeling so much better about myself. His behavior over the years was crazy-making for me. There have been a couple incidents in the past six months that reminded me of why I left, and instead of driving me back into my prior state, it gave me comfort and validated my decision. Like when he told me several months back that he realizes now that when he apologized for something, that I actually expected him to stop the behavior that he was apologizing for. I just shook my head and smiled.

As for people commenting to me, like the gentleman earlier this week, I still value friends supporting me, especially when it's difficult after divorce to know where people stand. I appreciated what he had to say, but didn't feel the need to add to it. I just thanked him for his support and understanding, comforted by the knowledge that either I'm not crazy afterall, or at least I'm not there alone. wink

My relationship with my son has definitely benefited from the split. I now have plenty of head-space, patience, time, and energy for him, what I used to spend on Remark pointlessly. And I make it a point to really value the changes, because it might be easy to focus on the wrong things. Though maybe not, I find I don't even like to reflect on my past with Remark anymore.

This is going to be a great year, the first of many!

Last edited by JustDaytoDay; 12/31/16 07:05 PM.
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Thanks for the feedback from others as well. I appreciate your walking with me on my journey. While I'm unlikely to spend any additional time on this thread, as it already accomplished what I needed, you may see me drop in on some other posts. The Harley program is still the best in town.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!


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