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#2893218 01/28/17 11:12 AM
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Hello all, I am new to this site and need help. Please bear with me as i am trying go give as much detail as possible.
My wife and I have been married for over 11 years and have 2 kids, ages 9 and 3. Two years ago she started acting...different, going out every night with her friends drinking, to the point where people around the community were asking her if she was okay. She had also been keeping her phone very secure and password locked and would not tell me the password, which i obviously found strange, considering we had never had a 'privacy' issue with each other. Neither of us had ever snooped on the other or invaded privacy because we never felt the need to. We shared email accts, bank accts, credit cards, used the same password for everything...everything was always out in the open.
One night as we laid in bed she turned to me and read me a text message she sent to her girlfriend about how unhappy she has been , apparently for years. During this time frame, which started in the spring and continued through the summer, she also had seen a dr about depression and was taking medication for it (which i was against).
Come to find out during the summer that she had been having an affair with a coworker. Physical and emotional. This guy is actually known throughout her work community as a narsaccist (?) and has had several affairs with many women throughout the years, and yes he was married at the time. I confonted her about it and it was lie after lie and i continued to discover the truth.
What she said was that she had grown to ressnt me and was not in love with me , and hadnt been for a long time.she was not happy in our marraige and it had been done for her for some time, years. Basically this guy took advantage of her vulnerable state and used that to his advantage. I also confronted him on the phone several times and i believe i scared him off, of course, his intentions were to not BE with my wife, just looking to get some.
We obviously talked numerous times about our relationship, what went wrong, why she felt the way she did etc. She said that she did not want to break up our family and neither one of us left the house, although she did originally want me to move out but i would not.
After the night she read me the text to her friend i woke up the next morning a dif person. I knew i had been immature, uncaring, unappreciative , and unloving to my wife. I was basically, as she put it, a 3rd child. I had immediately started going to work on myself because i did not want to lose her. It was something i knew would take time and commitment on my part and it was change my life and who i was forever.
I felt like i was doing the necessary things she needed to have the 'man' in her life. On the flip side, i was hurt, depressed and utterly crushed by the affair. And she showed zero remorse. Never cried, almost like she didnt care she did it because 'she wasnt in love with me'. Yet i told her i wanted to be with her and i was chosing to stay.
At this point i felt like we both had done damage to the other and if we were both choosing to work on our marriage and keep our family together then we both needed to do what was necessary to help the other person heal and show them change. As i said i had been doing that, even in the midst of the affair even while she still worked with the coworker, even while i was getting no remorse or reconciliation from the affair. Eventually i got to the point where i was digging so much trying to make sure the affair wasnt still going on and freakin out about what she did, questioning her a lot about things she said to others , were she was etc she asked me to move out for 30 days. This time i obliged. ( i worked 4-9am at the time and could not take the kids to school/babysitter). The 'seperation' didnt do much, as i felt like she just wanted me to be away from her so i could get over what she did without her having to deal with it. I was gone for 6 weeks and when i came back not much changed.
I basically felt like i was trying, changing really hard to make up to her thr years i had made her feel unloved, yet she would not do things to help me heal. For instance she would not unlock her phone, or let me know the passcode. She added guy friends to her FB. She would not quit her job. So of course my snooping and curiosity continued. Soon after that, we didnt talk much about anything relationship wise. I was still very hurt but tried not to show her or do anything snooping. I tried to show her i was OK and continued to work on myself. This went on until the following summer when all of a sudden she started acting distance again and the sat me down and said she was done. At first i tried to talk her out of it. I tried to explain she hadnt helped me heal from the affair and i had done a lot to show her my change. I told her i didnt want our kids to have to live from house to hosue with dicorced parents. I then read online to not beg, just act like you are ok and be friendly.
A week after she had told me she was done her and my 2 kids were in a horrific car accident. Fortunately they are all alive, and my wife suffered the majority out of it. (Instead of the kids) i was there at the hospital with them, took off work, stayed the night with her up there.
When she finally came home (well she actually stayed at my bro in laws because his house was more an ideal place for her to heal, and no they were not having an affair, he is 63 yrs old married, and was the husband of my wifes deceased sister). I wS over there helping as much as i could while still working and taking care of the kids. Her wrist was broke, her body was swelled up, she had burns all over her body. She couldnt walk without help and she was on about 3 or 4 medications, plus OTC drugs to help with side effects of the medications, like itching etc. There were a few times where she showed me affection out of the blue. She would put her arm around me and lean against me, she held out her hand for me to hold. She talked to me differently like she hadnt done in a long time. When she got back to our hosue and was mobile she was doing things around the house and still just talking to me like it was puppy love all over again.everything was better then it had been in along time, and i still continued with working on myself.
Then one day, around the time she weened off her narcotics things started to change again. She stopped twxting and calling me. When we did talk she didnt seem interested, or her repsondes to my questions were brief and one worded. Then of course it came again.
Im done
Im unhappy
She found a place and has already moved into it.
When she told me she was done i didnt show any emotion i just said, well I could tell you're unhappy, not sure why, but if you want out then get out , you know where the door is.
She has been out for over a week and has already been seeing another guy. Its some guy she knows from the gym.

Im in the worst place of my life. It is so hard imagining 12 years going down the drain. And for her to so easily just move on, find someone else, and make our kids go through this.
I feel like she is being selfish, as she has stated she wants a fresh start , doesnt want commitment right now. I tried to tell her, well you were commited to me and our kids. Now its like she would rather see the kids X amt of times per week and then have X amt of time to be free from everything and be able to go out date, have sex, do whatever she wants.
She called me yesterday to talk about the divorce. We never came to anything concrete, but i did ask her to try just separating (sicne she is already out of the house). I told her do whatever it is you need to do but Id like to think theres stil a chance for us.
I asked her before she left to go to counsleing with me and she declined. (I had declined the year prior to go with her). She just doesnt want to work on anything. She is done.

I know i will unfortunately see some Its over move on replies, and it does seem like that is the case. But i love my family, my kids, and want my wife back and if there is any ounce of hope for us please give me any advice. I have searched around the website a bit but i have limited time and honestly donet know where to start. So here it is, Ive tried to lay it all out and sorry for the long post but i wanted to give S much detail as possible for the best possible advice. Please feel free to ask any and all questions and i will be 100% honest , even in regards to myself.
Thanks again.

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Hi metalhead, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. Dr Harley said this recently and I believe it applies here:

Originally Posted by Dr Harley
"Our program is not designed for people who intend to cheat one way or another. It's for people who cannot resist certain forms of temptation, so we take the temptation away from them and they are grateful for the help we give them."

Your wife cheats because she is a committed cheater, not because of unmet needs in your marriage. You could have met her needs 100% and she would have still cheated because she is out trolling for action. Therefore, this will be your future if you try and stay with her. Mercifully, she is committed to divorce.

She brought up your behavior as a way to throw you off balance and justify her reckless behavior.

My suggestion to you would be to vigorously go after full custody of your kids so they are protected from her reckless lifestyle. Your wife will have a revolving door of men which will put your children in a very unsafe environment.

And secondly, you should expose her affairs. They should be exposed to everyone, the spouses, the employer, your family and most especially your children. If you don't tell your children the truth, I assure you that your wayward wife will tell them lies. Your kids must be terribly confused about what they see and hear.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by xMetalHeadx
Neither of us had ever snooped on the other or invaded privacy because we never felt the need to. .

It is inconsequential now, but no spouse has the "right to privacy" to destroy the other spouse behind his back. You have a right and a need to know every thing she does and says since it directly affects your life and that of your children. When a spouse is hiding something, it is a VIRTUE to spy on the other spouse.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Thank you for your reply.
My question is, im pretty certain she had never cheated before. Im not justifying her affair by any means, i believe and have told her instead of talking to the other guy about ur problems you should have talked to me.

This second guy is merely just because she is done with me.
Believe me, I am not making excuses for anything. I do think she has tried to justify her affair with countless things, like she thinks i had affair a long time ago, and she was done with me, and she doesnt love me and blah blah blah.
I know based on the novel i wrote you have to make a judgment but if you knew us in real life and knew my wife you would not think she was the person capable of doing something like that.
The affair was 2 years ago this coming spring so idk that it even matters anymore, and while she claims she told her friends everything i doubt she has except maybe this one person who is her bff.(who is also female).

I dont know how to proceed forward now to try to win her back. I do not think she would be cheating in the future if things were good because i dont think she is that type of perosn, but if i am wrong then yes i would drop her like a hot potato.

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Oh i forgot to mention that since she has left the house i have not contacted her in any way shape or form unless it was strictly about 'business', money for bills, custody arrangemnets etc. And those talks have gone extremely smooth and we have both been in agreement on pretty much everything.

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Melody,
I have done some reserach online about custody and the fact i dont think it is good for kids to live with that revolving door of men, or a cheating spouse either. It looks as thougg legally it doesnt matter. If you or anyone knows dif or has sucxess or experience in this matter please let me know. My wife did come from a single mom home who actually did the same exact thing-revolving door of men. I have spoken to my wife about concerns of other men in her house while she has the kids and she assured me that will not happen but i will never know for sure.

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Originally Posted by xMetalHeadx
I dont know how to proceed forward now to try to win her back. I do not think she would be cheating in the future if things were good because i dont think she is that type of perosn, but if i am wrong then yes i would drop her like a hot potato.

My point is that you are unlikely to win her back because she is so far gone. The "type of person" she is is demonstrated by her behavior. She might have behaved differently in the past, but you must deal with the present. I am trying to help you be realistic here. It is an extreme long shot at this point because her waywardism is so entrenched. If her first affair had been adequately confronted, instead of enabled, you might not be here, but that is water under the bridge at this point.

The best you can do for now is

a) first protect your kids. File for divorce and get primary custody. Sue on grounds of adultery if you can and have the atty put in the papers that the kids never be exposed to her adultery partners.

Quote
y wife did come from a single mom home who actually did the same exact thing-revolving door of men. I have spoken to my wife about concerns of other men in her house while she has the kids and she assured me that will not happen but i will never know for sure.

That is like asking for "assurance" from a falling down drunk. You need to be more savvy here and wave away the fog. You are ALL your kids have right now and they need your protection.

b) EXPOSE her affairs to everyone. If anything can remove her fog, this is your best chance. It might be too late for exposure to save your marriage, but at least it will bring her reckless and irresponsible behavior out into the open and may burst her little fantasy balloon. It would make her think twice and she would no longer be able to blame you for her affairs

c) stop enabling her. the reason this is so far gone is because you enabled her so badly in the past. It is hard to save a marriage when you are an enabler. instead of trying to bust up her affair, you basically ignored it and allowed her to gaslight you into thinking the cause was you

I understand you did the best you could at the time and didn't know any better. But I am telling you now that enablers don't make it, so it is time to stop


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Melody,
What did you mean 'adequately enabled' about the first affair? When i found out i did confront him multiple times.
Also that goes along with point c, i did bust it up. I followed her phone recoreds, snooped her phone, and pinger acct . I dig until everything was exposed. I did not stop even when she claimed nothing was going on and she was just friends and they weren't talking anymore. And i did not let her trick me into thinking i was at fault for the affair. She made a bad choice, regardless of how she felt about me she should not have cheated, there were no excuses and i told her that.

About exposing the affairs. I have seen that on this site over and over and thought about doing it in the past. I was afraid of everyone, including my wife being mad at me like i was trying to harm her reputation or degrade her or something. I felt like if i pissed her off and exposed to everyone that it would just push her further away. Of course at the time i was lost, depressed, never bene in the situation and didnt know what to do.

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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by xMetalHeadx
Melody,
What did you mean 'adequately enabled' about the first affair? When i found out i did confront him multiple times.
Also that goes along with point c, i did bust it up. I followed her phone recoreds, snooped her phone, and pinger acct . I dig until everything was exposed. I did not stop even when she claimed nothing was going on and she was just friends and they weren't talking anymore. And i did not let her trick me into thinking i was at fault for the affair. She made a bad choice, regardless of how she felt about me she should not have cheated, there were no excuses and i told her that.

But they still worked together and the affair was not exposed at the workplace or to his wife. I was surprised to read she pretty much lived like a single woman by going out and partying.

Quote
About exposing the affairs. I have seen that on this site over and over and thought about doing it in the past. I was afraid of everyone, including my wife being mad at me like i was trying to harm her reputation or degrade her or something. I felt like if i pissed her off and exposed to everyone that it would just push her further away. Of course at the time i was lost, depressed, never bene in the situation and didnt know what to do.

I agree it is scary, but the goal is to save your marriage, not to avoid angering her at any cost. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so keeping it a secret only serves to enable the affair. Is she pushed away NOW? I hear this comment from many embattled spouses that it will "push him/her away" and I chalk that kind of thinking up to the FOG because it is so irrational. The discussion would not be taking place in the first place if the affair had not PULLED her away.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Let me put this another way. Your marriage could have survived the temporary anger over exposure, but a marriage cannot survive an ongoing affair. Keeping the affair a secret has only entrenched the wayward mindset in your wife and she has moved onto the next affair. She has been wayward for so long that it will be difficult, if not impossible, to bust up that mindset. Exposure is the most effective way to bust up the wayward fantasy mindset.

What happened to you is very common when an affair is not exposed. Did you listen to the radio show I linked? http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=167922&Number=2697459#Post2697459


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I understand what you mean. So do you think that the fog from the first affair led to this pulling away? Like she has this idea of being single and enjoying that lifestyle over commitment to her husband and children?

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Oh no, I read the thread but i am at a sports event and havent listened to the radio link but i have a drive home so will listen to it then.

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Originally Posted by xMetalHeadx
I understand what you mean. So do you think that the fog from the first affair led to this pulling away? Like she has this idea of being single and enjoying that lifestyle over commitment to her husband and children?

YES, if the fantasy surrounding the 1st affair is not busted up, it usually leads to a second, third or fourth affair. She is now onto another affair.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Ah ok. Thank you

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Metalhead, this is a longshot but we will help you do everything possible to save this. It is going to take a very strong effort, though.

First thing, though, is to protect your kids. This is a very dangerous situation for your kids. It is a good time to file for divorce and get full custody of your kids while your wife is fogged out and distracted. Once you do that, we can help you try and restore your marriage.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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So i shouldnt expose at this point? Either affair?
I do not think i can get full custody of the kids. I cannot prove if they have been unfaithful in front of them.

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Originally Posted by xMetalHeadx
So i shouldnt expose at this point? Either affair?
I do not think i can get full custody of the kids. I cannot prove if they have been unfaithful in front of them.

I would contact a lawyer on Monday and file for divorce. You don't have to prove she has committed adultery in front of them. You need to hire a lawyer who will help you fight for your kids, who will have it put in your custody papers that they are never to be exposed to her adultery partners. Most lawyers won't WANT to do this because it is more work for them, so you will need to press this issue. We have many people here over the years who have this in this custody agreement. Since she claims she won't do this, it shouldn't be an issue for her.

In the meantime, I wouldn't allow the kids to stay overnight with her. You can give her short visitations, such as a few hours here and there throughout the week on the condition that she agree not to expose them to her affair.

Get this secured first and then we can help you with exposure.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I listened to the radio show and man, I really wish i would have exposed during the first affair. Thats hindsight now, but really, why should i not expose the second one?
Also, what good would it do to file for divorce (when i want to be with her) and then expose?

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Also what are your thoughts on discernment counseling?

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