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Hello. Ive been following this site for awhile, and think the advice here is outstanding. I know I don�t deserve help, but I am desperately lost. Sorry for this long post
My wife (55F)and I (57M) have been married for 30 years next year. We have three beautiful daughters � 25,23 and 20. We met when I transferred to another city and were introduced through friends, and we were in the same profession. There was no lightning bolt or love at first sight. We were just comfortable with each other, and both of us anxious to settle down into the next phase of our lives I think. We dated for a year, lived together a year, and married. We were later in life for starting marriage � I was 29 and she was 27. We had our first daughter 2 years later, and my wife became a stay at home mom with my full support. That�s how I grew up, and that�s what I wanted for my children. Of course, over the next 25 years my career has been extremely busy with extensive travel.
I was transferred in 1999. It was a smooth move. The kids were so young they adapted easily. Our life was comfortable and happy. My wife and I rarely argued, it was almost like a co-parenting relationship. I never realized it until now, but I wouldn�t really confide in her. I always felt the kids, and her other interests took priority over me. I was always # 4 or 5 on her attention list. We had a few large blow ups over this but we always just slid back into the same place. I was transferred again in 2008. That was horrible � one daughter going into grade 12, the next into grade 10, etc. I was transferred again in 2003, but this time I had learned my lesson. My 2 older daughters were away at university then, but the youngest was only in grade 11. So I moved alone and got an apartment, letting my wife and daughter stay behind for 18 months until she finished grade 12.
During my travel during this living apart time, I met a woman (almost 4 years ago), a person in the firm I work for � there was an instant connection. She was married, but her marriage was ending. Of course by the fall we had started a full blown relationship. It was like I really mattered to her, she was interested in what was happening in my life. It lasted about 2015, when my wife discovered it. We ended the affair and I agreed to reconciliation.
Another sideline to the story. In 2011 I had my prostate removed for cancer. Was told it was an aggressive cancer and would likely recur. In 2014 it did � a month after I ended the affair. I went through a lot of tests in different cities � the most significant being in June 2016 in Chicago (another long story related to my firms health care). When she found out from someone what was happening, the AP contacted me and insisited I should not be alone. It didn�t matter if we were together or not, she wanted to be with me during the tests. I let her back into my life, and I was so happy and grateful I did.
That was in June 2016. I have just finished daily radiation treatments for the past few months. I wait three months now to see if that has knocked it back, or whether I go to chemo. I took early retirement in Feb during treatments. Sucks. I found myself thinking constantly about the AP, and going somewhere to be with her. (With my medication and treatment, there is really no sex for me in 2017). I love my wife but I cannot continue this. I need to be honest and deal with this.
Do I blow up a 30 year marriage with a woman I may �love but am not in love with� (OMG I finally get what that clich� means). I cant bear the thought of continuing my comfortable but almost loveless wife. It has been eating me up. I secretly made an appointment with a marriage counsellor and went by myself. Twice now. She thinks we really never had the emotional love most couples experience. A reconciliation is a ton of work for a couple to get back to that place of love. She makes the point that it almost doesn�t make sense if that kind of love didn�t exist in the relationship to begin with.
Am I a 57 year old fool thinking love is something that I don�t have with my wife?



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Originally Posted by DreamsDestroyed
Do I blow up a 30 year marriage with a woman I may �love but am not in love with� (OMG I finally get what that clich� means). I cant bear the thought of continuing my comfortable but almost loveless wife. It has been eating me up. I secretly made an appointment with a marriage counsellor and went by myself. Twice now. She thinks we really never had the emotional love most couples experience. A reconciliation is a ton of work for a couple to get back to that place of love. She makes the point that it almost doesn�t make sense if that kind of love didn�t exist in the relationship to begin with.
Am I a 57 year old fool thinking love is something that I don�t have with my wife?

Hi DD, welcome to Marriage Builders. You are correct that you don't have love with your wife. Romantic love is impossible when you neglect and abuse a marriage like you have. But the only fool here is the "marriage counselor" who has no earthly idea how romantic love is created and sustained. Most marriage counselors are destructive to marriages because they don't understand the dynamics of romantic love. This is why they have a 85% failure rate and a higher divorce rate than the general population.

That being said, the ethical thing to do is bring your wife here today and show her this thread. She has a right to know the truth about her own life and make decisions accordingly. It is cruel and manipulative to lie to her about her own life. Your wife is not your pet, she is a grown adult who is entitled to make her own decisions. You have no right to deny her that right. You are the last person who is qualified to make those decisions for her.

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Do I blow up a 30 year marriage with a woman I may �love but am not in love with�

You already did this. Lying to your wife about what you are doing to her does not make it any less blown. Manipulating her into staying married to you is not a virtue, it is simply doubling down on the crime. You are doing her no favors..

Do the right thing today. Send her this link now and invite her to this thread so we can help her.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by DreamsDestroyed
Hello. Ive been following this site for awhile, and think the advice here is outstanding. I know I don�t deserve help, but I am desperately lost. Sorry for this long post
My wife (55F)and I (57M) have been married for 30 years next year. We have three beautiful daughters � 25,23 and 20. We met when I transferred to another city and were introduced through friends, and we were in the same profession. There was no lightning bolt or love at first sight. We were just comfortable with each other, and both of us anxious to settle down into the next phase of our lives I think. We dated for a year, lived together a year, and married. We were later in life for starting marriage � I was 29 and she was 27. We had our first daughter 2 years later, and my wife became a stay at home mom with my full support. That�s how I grew up, and that�s what I wanted for my children. Of course, over the next 25 years my career has been extremely busy with extensive travel.
I was transferred in 1999. It was a smooth move. The kids were so young they adapted easily. Our life was comfortable and happy. My wife and I rarely argued, it was almost like a co-parenting relationship. I never realized it until now, but I wouldn�t really confide in her. I always felt the kids, and her other interests took priority over me. I was always # 4 or 5 on her attention list. We had a few large blow ups over this but we always just slid back into the same place. I was transferred again in 2008. That was horrible � one daughter going into grade 12, the next into grade 10, etc. I was transferred again in 2003, but this time I had learned my lesson. My 2 older daughters were away at university then, but the youngest was only in grade 11. So I moved alone and got an apartment, letting my wife and daughter stay behind for 18 months until she finished grade 12.
During my travel during this living apart time, I met a woman (almost 4 years ago), a person in the firm I work for � there was an instant connection. She was married, but her marriage was ending. Of course by the fall we had started a full blown relationship. It was like I really mattered to her, she was interested in what was happening in my life. It lasted about 2015, when my wife discovered it. We ended the affair and I agreed to reconciliation.
Another sideline to the story. In 2011 I had my prostate removed for cancer. Was told it was an aggressive cancer and would likely recur. In 2014 it did � a month after I ended the affair. I went through a lot of tests in different cities � the most significant being in June 2016 in Chicago (another long story related to my firms health care). When she found out from someone what was happening, the AP contacted me and insisited I should not be alone. It didn�t matter if we were together or not, she wanted to be with me during the tests. I let her back into my life, and I was so happy and grateful I did.
That was in June 2016. I have just finished daily radiation treatments for the past few months. I wait three months now to see if that has knocked it back, or whether I go to chemo. I took early retirement in Feb during treatments. Sucks. I found myself thinking constantly about the AP, and going somewhere to be with her. (With my medication and treatment, there is really no sex for me in 2017). I love my wife but I cannot continue this. I need to be honest and deal with this.
Do I blow up a 30 year marriage with a woman I may �love but am not in love with� (OMG I finally get what that clich� means). I cant bear the thought of continuing my comfortable but almost loveless wife. It has been eating me up. I secretly made an appointment with a marriage counsellor and went by myself. Twice now. She thinks we really never had the emotional love most couples experience. A reconciliation is a ton of work for a couple to get back to that place of love. She makes the point that it almost doesn�t make sense if that kind of love didn�t exist in the relationship to begin with.
Am I a 57 year old fool thinking love is something that I don�t have with my wife?
Tell your wife about your affair, and ask her what she would like to do, now that she knows about it. The chances are that she would jump at the opportunity to be free from a cruel, 57-year-old fool who isn't worthy of her, and freed from the shackle of her loveless marriage. At the moment, she is being manipulated into being with someone who is cruelly using her. She doesn't deserve that. She has the right to know the truth about her own life, and to find someone who will love her the way she wants to be loved. Do not deny her that right. Tell her about the affair and give her the chance to find happiness.


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Originally Posted by DreamsDestroyed
She thinks we really never had the emotional love most couples experience. A reconciliation is a ton of work for a couple to get back to that place of love.

Translation: the "marriage counselor" has no earthly idea how to do it. We do it all the time here and it can happen in a matter of months. The "MC" doesn't understand the dynamics of an affair so she doesn't know that your comment about never having emotional love is a CLASSIC TRAIT of a wayward spouse who is fogged out on on affair. I have read that comment a million times on this forum over the past 16 years.

An affair is an addiction much like heroin so when the WS is high on heroin, sober life pales in comparison. With an affair, you are making a comparison to an unsustainable fantasy. The comparison is between a fantasy and a complete and utterly neglected marriage. It is like comparing The Taj Mahal to a falling down shanty.

Falling in love does not happen by fairy dust magic. It happens by design. If you gave your marriage the same attention you gave your affair, you would be in love with your wife.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Please tell your wife about your continued affair. Please send her here. If you have any decency left in you, you will do that. Do you?

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I am planning on telling her when we are away this week. Separation is inevitable. Yes, I will refer her to this site for assistance.

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Melody your comments are the core of what I am struggling with, and scare me. How do I know if i am just in a fog and not seeing things clearly?


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When I asked my wife to come with to Chicago to be with me during the tests, she said taking three days would be too complicated to arrange with the two dogs. That's the typical response. A similar excuse when I had to have tests back in February 2016 in Montreal. I didn't push harder on the reasons why she wouldn't come with me. I don't know how to put that in perspective of my fog....I don't think she really loves me. Im convenient to her. I have told her that during our discussions. She agrees and says she will do better but we are always back in the same pattern.

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None of it is an excuse for cheating. So I will tell her. Maybe we can both move on and be happy.

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Originally Posted by DreamsDestroyed
When I asked my wife to come with to Chicago to be with me during the tests, she said taking three days would be too complicated to arrange with the two dogs. That's the typical response. A similar excuse when I had to have tests back in February 2016 in Montreal. I didn't push harder on the reasons why she wouldn't come with me. I don't know how to put that in perspective of my fog....I don't think she really loves me. Im convenient to her. I have told her that during our discussions. She agrees and says she will do better but we are always back in the same pattern.

Of course she doesn't love you. How could she? You have neglected your marriage for years. That doesn't mean you should feel entitled to force your spouse to do things against her will. Guilt manipulation does not help the situation either.

You are like the home owner who never does any repairs or upkeep and when his house falls apart gripes about his dump of a house. If you are going to be a slumlord, expect to live in a slum. It's not the PERSON that is the problem but your treatment of the relationship.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by DreamsDestroyed
I am planning on telling her when we are away this week. Separation is inevitable. Yes, I will refer her to this site for assistance.

I hope you are not taking her out of town to tell her, that would be horrible for her. Please tell her when she is at home.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Sorry for all the posts. .Im so guilt ridden and frustrated and angry at myself for letting this happen. This is horrible stuff, and I know I am at fault for cheating and letting her into my life.
When I started radiation treatments in Feb I was terrified. Its is such a scary thing to go through on so many levels. Instead of coming with me, my wife said I was fine, dismissed my fears, and flew to Montreal to watch my daughter play hockey (college level). My AP immediatly flew here to join me for the first radiation. I felt like I was drowning, and latched on in my fear. It was wrong, but I was desperate. Again, no excuses. Yep Im a POS. This is so confusing.

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Melody - I never thought of it like that. Ohhh god. I should tell her before we go. Tonite. God I cant

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Originally Posted by DreamsDestroyed
Melody - I never thought of it like that. Ohhh god. I should tell her before we go. Tonite. God I cant
But you can tell her after you've gone?


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Thats the perfect answer - she doesn't love me, period. That's the end of the story. You can say it was my neglect of the marriage which I call full [censored] on. I was the one who initiated every conversation to explore what she wanted, how to make the marriage better, pay attention to her. I did all that. I now realize you only have stock responses and cant really help .

Thank you anyway.

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Originally Posted by DreamsDestroyed
Sorry for all the posts. .Im so guilt ridden and frustrated and angry at myself for letting this happen. This is horrible stuff, and I know I am at fault for cheating and letting her into my life.
When I started radiation treatments in Feb I was terrified. Its is such a scary thing to go through on so many levels. Instead of coming with me, my wife said I was fine, dismissed my fears, and flew to Montreal to watch my daughter play hockey (college level). My AP immediatly flew here to join me for the first radiation. I felt like I was drowning, and latched on in my fear. It was wrong, but I was desperate. Again, no excuses. Yep Im a POS. This is so confusing.
Translation: She's an uncaring witch, and she caused this.


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Originally Posted by DreamsDestroyed
Thats the perfect answer - she doesn't love me, period. That's the end of the story. You can say it was my neglect of the marriage which I call full [censored] on. I was the one who initiated every conversation to explore what she wanted, how to make the marriage better, pay attention to her. I did all that. I now realize you only have stock responses and cant really help .

Thank you anyway.
Translation: she's an uncaring witch, and she caused this.


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Let me just explain a few things. Your lifestyle will not sustain a marriage. You can't stay in love if you live apart as you have for years. Your affair will suffer the same fate except worse because it was founded on dishonesty, selfishness and deceit. Those traits will find their way into your relationship. When the "lurve" fades, there will be nothing to sustain your marriage and you will both be looking at better options. It will crumble more intensely and much, much faster. If it ever makes it to marriage, it is statistically doomed.

It will be the biggest regret of your life because it will wreck your relationships with your kids. Do you think your kids will accept your adultery partner? Doubtful.

You don't have to believe me on this. Dr Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders has said this many times over the years. "Affairages" are doomed to failure and he has never met a wayward spouse in 50 years of practice who didn't regret it. Listen to him discussing it here: here

But you have much better options. The ideal solution would be to be in romantic, passionate love with your wife. That does not happen by magic fairy dust, but by design. We know the design. If you and your wife want that option, we can help you.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by DreamsDestroyed
Thats the perfect answer - she doesn't love me, period.

And you don't love her. But no, it is not the PERIOD. The solution to falling out of love is to fall back in love. If the spouses are willing to make radical changes and commit to the marriage.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by DreamsDestroyed
Thats the perfect answer - she doesn't love me, period. That's the end of the story. You can say it was my neglect of the marriage which I call full [censored] on. I was the one who initiated every conversation to explore what she wanted, how to make the marriage better, pay attention to her. I did all that. I now realize you only have stock responses and cant really help .

Thank you anyway.


Did you not say this?
Quote
Of course, over the next 25 years my career has been extremely busy with extensive travel.

That is neglect. You can't sustain a marriage when you are not there. We see the result of your lifestyle on your marriage. It is very common.

Is it easier to blame your wife? Okay. That's fine, but its not the full truth. It was all your lifestyle.



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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