Not sure where to begin really. I am posting in surviving an affair but not positive there was an affair at all. I don't want to post a long drawn out story so I will start by saying that about a year and a half ago I purchased a simple key logger for our home computer. My husband has always acted like he had insomnia and when I would go to bed he would stay up and say he wasn't tired or he would come into bed with me and after a few minutes say he could not sleep so he would get up. He didn't do this all the time, maybe once every week or two. He would stay up until 2 or 3 am most times when he did this. I have woken up on some of those nights to use the bathroom and realizing that he was not in bed yet I would go into the tv room where he would be sitting at the computer. He always closed out windows when I walked into the room. So by him doing that it made me suspicious. Anyway, once I got the key logger I plugged it in and the next day I saw that he had logged onto an email account that I did not know he had. Turns out I find out by the information on the key logger that he had a secret email account and he was chatting with different people that I did not know and was talking dirty to them and was emailing back and forth to people on craigslist as well. I confronted him with it and of course he denied it until I showed him the printout of his emails and his account. He immediately closed the account said he never met any of those people but was just flirting and talking dirty but nothing ever happened. I reluctantly accepted that answer as he was just getting ready to leave for deployment with the Navy. He did not ask how I found the other email and I did not volunteer that I had used the key logger. Cut to a couple months after he returns from deployment. No insomnia issues this time but it seemed like he was home from work early alot. So I plugged in the keylogger and the same thing was found, only another secret email account. I confront him again with no mention of the key logger and he swears again that he did not meet them, has never cheated, he just likes to talk dirty and flirt and he feels good that someone else is interested in him. I am unsure whether I believe him or not. He tells me he will never do it again but I heard all that the last time around. He says I can monitor him, put a GPS on him whatever I have to do to believe him. I do not tell him about the keylogger. I have been monitoring him with the key logger since then with no suspicious activity then one day I come home and he hands me the key logger, he found it while rewiring the computer. He blew up at me, mad that I was monitoring him until I remind him that he told me to and I explained that was how I found him out the other times. I then threw it away as it was no longer of use to me if he knows what to look for. I have since purchased a stealth ibot to install on the computer but am wary. I don't know whether I should do it again. I know for a fact he will do it again, just don't know when. I don't know what to do but that is my situation in as little words as I could manage and still explain myself. Any suggestions or advise are welcome. Thank you for reading.

Welcome to Marriage Builders
(where paragraphs are always much appreciated)

Mom,

Are you prepared to act on the information you find?

Its not worth setting up a boundry if you are not willing to defend it.

If you have clearly told him that these online activities are unacceptable -- and he continues doing it -- what are you going to do about it?

I suggest you and your H fill out the LOVE BUSTERS questionnaire.

LINK is HERE

Start a conversation.
Find out how much actual effort he is willing to perform in order to preserve your love for him.

Be honest.
Tell him how his actions are causing your love for him to diminish.
Then present the questionnaire.
Tell him you want your love for him to grow.
And, visa versa.

Good question Lexxxy. I am not sure what my answer is unfortunately.

I am afraid of being alone. My husband is my best friend and I know if I leave I will be alone for the rest of my life. I have been with him since high school and don't know anything else. What I mean is, I will have my children but I am pretty much a loner in life and always have been so I am not close to hardly anyone and if I leave I know that is it for me. I will not have a partner to share the rest of my life with.

I just don't know if what I found is the same as cheating. Do I have to wait for an actual affair before leaving? I am so confused. I think I monitor him more for my sanity than to catch him and leave because of what I find. I cannot stop thinking about it and everytime he is on the internet I have to know what he is doing. Maybe I am the one that needs help.

I am 35 years old and my WS is 36.

We have two boys, age 16 and 7.

This is our first marriage and we have been married 17 years.

I am not certain if there was an actual affair and there are dozens of people he talks to online. I found out about it by installing a key logger on our computer but that was just within the past year and a half. There were many different instances with the computer and secret email and many years ago before the internet there were many phone bills in the $1000 range from chat/friend lines. This goes back many years.

I have not read or ordered the Surviving the affair book. I stumbled upon this website by accident looking for more information into key loggers and other programs to install on computers to monitor activity.

Welcome to Marriage Builders, mom2. And congratulations on having the good sense to install that keylogger! Unfortunately, your WH found it, bummer!

Be more careful with the next one. Eblaster is a great one that emails reports and runs in stealth mode. I can guarantee you that it is virtually impossible to find.

What kind of phone does he have? You'll want to snoop his phone, as well. Especially if he can access his email with it.

Is your WH willing to give up this infidelity? I would suggest you tell him that you will no longer allow all of these 'virtual affair partners' in your marriage. He needs to be off the internet completely. I would also suggest you require a polygraph to get to the bottom of just how extensive his activities are.

mom, the only help you really need is for your WH to stop this activity. And yes, it IS cheating. He is being unfaithful to you by giving and receiving sexual attention to someone outside of his marriage.

You are driven to monitor him because your mind is telling you that your are unsafe - and your mind is right. This is a way to determine the reality of your marriage. Don't feel that you are the one who needs help! Your WH needs to end this incredibly abusive activity!

You have shown him in the past that you are willing to tolerate this. You need to change that. Unless you are willing to continue tolerating it, of course. In that case there's really nothing we can advise that will help you.

Mom --

That is your fear talking.
Being alone is a choice. It is not certain.

I don't know if its necessary to define what he's doing as cheating -- but its defintiely eroding your love for him.
Did you read the information Pep provided?
That might be your best approach -- let him know his activities are making you fall out of love.

Also -- I think you SHOULD monitor his online activities -- until he has proven that you can trust him.

Maritalbliss,

It is a shame that he found the key logger, kinda hard to hide something like that. I have ordered a stealth ibot from brickhouse security but have not installed it yet. I was reading on here about the eblaster and may send the ibot back and get that instead.

It is hard to get him away from his phone, he has it on him at all times pretty much. I monitor the calls he makes on the phone service website but am thinking about getting something to install on the phone for text messages. Any suggestions?

As far as your question about whether he is willing to give it up, judging by how long this really has been going on and how many times I have caught him, probably not. I feel it is sort of an addiction for him and I have not left him yet after all the other times so I get the impression he does not think I will act on anything and will allow him to do it. Again, judging by the past, I am allowing him to do it. I don't know about the polygraph, there is no way he will go for it.

Well, then you're at an impasse. What do YOU want to do?

mom,

Rest assured you are not crazy or over-reacting. What your husband is doing is wrong, he knows it or he would not be hiding it or angry that you found it.

PLEASE listen to the advice you will get here. There are SO many people here that have been in your shoes, including myself. They know exactly what your husband will say, and how he will act. Unfortunately this happnes all too often.

Like you, I caught my FWH doing things on the computer, and he ALWAYS had an excuse for it. He even wrote me a sweet long letter telling me it was over and he would never do it again.......You will hear a saying here that is the complete truth... "waywards lie....and then lie some more"

I wanted to believe him. No wife want to think her H is cheating. Then it happened again, I found an email to an OW. He had many OW that he talked on on the phone/computer. He traveled alot, which made cheating easy.

Can you check his cell phone records?

You need to install a VAR in his car.

Are you ready to find the truth? And, what will you do with it?

Don't ask him anymore questions about cheating ect... he will not tell you the truth, he has proven this to you. You need to snoop and gather info. Once you have proof, the vets here will tell you exactly what to do.

You will get great help here! hang in there!

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I just don't know if what I found is the same as cheating.

Yes, it is. I look at this kind of activity as being interested in taking it a step further, otherwise why contact someone?

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Do I have to wait for an actual affair before leaving? I am so confused. I think I monitor him more for my sanity than to catch him and leave because of what I find.

Two things here. First, why wait for an actual affair? I would think that you'll use the program here to prevent any affair and to repair the damage your husband has already done. By the same token, why is it that you want to leave? By coming here aren't you really wanting to stop what he is doing, restore your love for each other, and build a newer and better marriage?

What's the old saw - an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure?

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I cannot stop thinking about it and everytime he is on the internet I have to know what he is doing. Maybe I am the one that needs help.

No, you don't need "help" as in mental problem you need help as in reading the materials here and following the advice given. We will help you in that manner. There's nothing wrong with you at all, in fact, you've been proactive in trying to uncover threats to your marriage.

Mom -

We really can't help you until you get to a place where you are ready to ACT.

It will be crazy-making for you to snoop and discover more devious activities -- when you won't do anything about it when you find it!

I think you need to first work on your boundries. Get some ideas of how to set and PROTECT your boundries.
And eliminate your fears.

Study this website, and how to improve your marriage.
There is something missing in your marriage -- and if you can provide it, your husband will have no need to participate in this online secret life.

Study emotional needs. Identify which ones are most important to your husband. Have you been meeting all of his needs in the way he wants them met? Most men have sex and admiration as their top needs....

I have decided to order the eblaster and monitor the computer activity and see what happens and I will go from there. I know that I need to decide what to do when the time comes to act. I do not want to leave the marriage and I do realize that there are things we both need to work on for this to work.

I have looked around this website all day today and I have found some very helpful information that I will take to heart. I appreciate any information or advice that is offered. I am taking lgtex1 advice and snoop and gather info.

Welcome. I see that you have been getting excellent advice already from some of the absolute best on this site. Listen to them and follow everything that they say.

Next, when the keylogger finds something, DO NOT TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT IT FOUND. Come here, tell us and we will help guide you through the next steps.

I have a WH who had weak boundaries in our marriage. I know what that feels like. You KNOW that there is something wrong, but you get told "How can you not trust me? I wouldn't do that to you." I will tell you that he WILL do it to you. He may have already. You need to brace yourself for that fact.

You should order the book Surviving An Affair and read it. Read everything that you can on this site.

Scotland,

Thank for the advice. I will not tell my husband when the keylogger finds something. That has been my mistake the past few times I have confronted him. As soon as I find something out, I immediately confront him because I lose my cool and almost have a panic attack. I will come on here first and let you wonderful people help guide me. I have already come to the terms that he more than likely has had an affair. I just don't have proof and he does not want to talk about it. I cannot even bring up any of the stuff that I find because he shuts down, says he don't want to talk about it and there is nothing really to talk about.

Welcome to MB Mom .. sorry you are here .. however .. these people are the best chance you got to restoring the love in your marriage.

Eblaster is good

desktopshark is good...

Either or .. they both have several options for you to snoop with.

WHen you find something .. DO NOT confront. Bring it here ... lay it all out for the vets to help you. You may find that some of the advice sounds counter intuitive .. but take the advice anyways and follow through with it.

Have you read the basics?

Have you read the Q&A?

Have you read the articles?

Have you seen the questionaires? Love busters? Emotional needs?

This site is amazing ... and it saved my marriage as well as TONS of others. Keep posting ... reading .. and get a few of the books. His needs her needs for parents and Love busters are a great start. My wife and I once both of us were on board with MB would read teh book out loud to each other before we would go to bed and discuss the material in the books as we read it. Its a great way to have some quality UA time.

MrNiceGuy

I know it is VERY difficult to find info and keep quiet about it. The first thing you want to do it confront your WH and ask him what the HE!! he is thinking! I know it makes you nauseous, and yes I know the panic attacks.

I would often go alone and park my car in a quiet parking lot and cry, yell, cuss or pray just to get through the next hour.

I lost 30 lbs in about 4 months, and did'nt sleep much for about 5 months. I still have nights that I don't sleep well when I let my negative thought take over and run rampant thru my head. It's a tough road ahead, no matter the outcome.

You are in good hands, these people will lead you every step of the way. I wish I had MB from the start of my nightmare. I found them months later and did alot of things wrong. Looking back, I could have done things differently and saved myself alot of heartache.

Your WH may have an "affair phone" I suggest a "VAR" voice activated recorder. You can get one at walmart for about $50-60. Get some velcro and stick it under the seat. (Practice with it first)

Can you see txt msgs on your phone records?

Read Read Read. Learn everything on this site and it will make it much easier to understand what people are talking about.



You are doing great, really.