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Two years ago my wife had what I thought was an emotional affair with a man whom we had been friends with for years. His wife was the one that found out. Her and I worked together to gather evidence and exposed the affair.

My wife and the other man swore it was just talking and as we had very little evidence to the contrary I took their word and started trying to rebuild my marriage.

My wife cut off all contact with the other man and up until 3 days ago we were very happy. I had got past the hurt and hadn't thought about the affair in a long time.

My 22 year old son then cheated on his long time girlfriend. This drudged up some of the old feelings, but I was doing OK with it. My wife then told me that she felt guilty and proceeded to tell me that the emotional affair had also been a physical one. She told me they only had sex one time and she had to stop in the middle and left crying. She said that she wanted to come clean so our marriage was built on truth.

We were in such a good place before she told me this. I felt like we had moved on and were in a very loving and caring relationship. She wants to be married to me and has had no contact with the other man for two years. She is willing to do whatever it takes, counseling, take the course on this website, ETC.

We did fill out the emotional needs questionnaire and discussed it. I really think she feels bad and does love me. I really think she is willing to do whatever it takes to make this work.
The problem is, I am so hurt right now, all I can picture in my head is the two of them together. My wife is a very sexual person and I'm not sure I can even have sex with her right now.

The other thing is, should I contact the other man's wife and tell her about this? My wife told me during the affair the other man had confessed this wasn't the first affair he had. I want to tell the other wife but I don't want to drag up the old feelings for her.

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broberts, I am so sorry this has happened to you. Your wife did the right thing in telling you. You can't sweep an affair under the rug like this. A marriage can't be recovered based on lies. It leads to a superficiality that prevents emotional intimacy.

I would call the OM's wife and tell her so she can recover her marriage too.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Dr Harley says there is a very strict path to recovery and one of the first steps is complete honesty. Failure to follow these steps leads to disaster and he is right about this.

I know you are hurt right now, but you haven't seen the many men who come on this forum YEARS after an affair who can't get past an affair because they sense they do not have the truth. We had one such man this year who had been stuck for THIRTY YEARS. Another man, just this year, asked his wife to take a polygraph because he sensed he did not have the truth years after D-Day. When his wife showed up for the polygraph drugged he knew she was hiding something. Sure enough, she confessed more the next day.

Your wife did you a favor by confessing the truth. Ideally, it should have happened 2 years ago, but it is better now than in 30 years.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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...should I contact the other man's wife and tell her about this?

You know the answer to this, right? You absolutely must tell OMW, just as you owe her a great debt for informing you of the initial revelations.

However, you should NOT relay to her "hearsay" evidence. Telling her of something your WW told you, that she would only have second-hand knowledge of anyway, (Was she a direct observer of OM's dalliance with other WWs?) would be irresponsible.

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Originally Posted by NeverGuessed
...should I contact the other man's wife and tell her about this?

You know the answer to this, right? You absolutely must tell OMW, just as you owe her a great debt for informing you of the initial revelations.

However, you should NOT relay to her "hearsay" evidence. Telling her of something your WW told you, that she would only have second-hand knowledge of anyway, (Was she a direct observer of OM's dalliance with other WWs?) would be irresponsible.

That is very sound advice, thank you.

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The way I would address that is to tell her exactly what your wife told you and then let the OMW get the facts from the OM. You are not telling her there WERE other affairs, which you can't possibly know, but you are telling her that he told your wife there were. That gives the OMW a place to start her investigation.

If I were the OMW, I would want this information so I could drag it out of my WH.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Perfect way to put it Melodylane. I will do just that. The OMW is supposed to call me this evening. Thanks so much.

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...tell her exactly what your wife told you and then let the OMW get the facts from the OM.

Even better, of course, would be to compel WW to convey to OMW the sordid stories herself. I cannot imagine a more searing lesson to a WS than to admit to the AP's spouse the "crimes" she has committed.

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MelodyLane,

Can you provide me a link to the topic where the man's wife showed up drugged to the polygraph location? I want to read and learn from that story. I know polygraphs are not 100% accurate but showing up drugged is a whole other ballgame. Thanks.

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Originally Posted by Retycon
MelodyLane,

Can you provide me a link to the topic where the man's wife showed up drugged to the polygraph location? I want to read and learn from that story. I know polygraphs are not 100% accurate but showing up drugged is a whole other ballgame. Thanks.
I know I'm not Mel, but here it is. smile
OldWarHorse's Thread




FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Originally Posted by Retycon
MelodyLane,

Can you provide me a link to the topic where the man's wife showed up drugged to the polygraph location? I want to read and learn from that story. I know polygraphs are not 100% accurate but showing up drugged is a whole other ballgame. Thanks.
I know I'm not Mel, but here it is. smile
OldWarHorse's Thread


You certainly are not.

You're MelodyLane Jr. MrRollieEyes

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Thanks! Sadly the topic posts were all edited. Can anyone give me the rundown as to what happened?

OldWarHorse is reconciling but his wife gaslighted him right? How long was the affair for? Was it a physical affair for the whole time? How long was the gas lighting?

I can't see how a marriage is salvageable if the gaslighting continued for years and the truth finally comes out even when it was during a time of great marital success.

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Originally Posted by TheRoad
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Originally Posted by Retycon
MelodyLane,

Can you provide me a link to the topic where the man's wife showed up drugged to the polygraph location? I want to read and learn from that story. I know polygraphs are not 100% accurate but showing up drugged is a whole other ballgame. Thanks.
I know I'm not Mel, but here it is. smile
OldWarHorse's Thread


You certainly are not.

You're MelodyLane Jr. MrRollieEyes


Was that a slam?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by Retycon
Thanks! Sadly the topic posts were all edited. Can anyone give me the rundown as to what happened?

OldWarHorse is reconciling but his wife gaslighted him right? How long was the affair for? Was it a physical affair for the whole time? How long was the gas lighting?

I can't see how a marriage is salvageable if the gaslighting continued for years and the truth finally comes out even when it was during a time of great marital success.
Go to page 15 of his thread. He posted on 08-03-12 and it talks about the polygraph.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Quote
Was that a slam?
rotflmao No, sweetie. I don't think it was a slam. You are just so GOOD at linking important articles - don't you know that yet?

ML links important articles as well. And you both do a huge service to our members by doing so! The whole point is to promote Dr. H's concepts. Not our opinions.

You're doing great! smile


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Originally Posted by TheRoad
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Originally Posted by Retycon
MelodyLane,

Can you provide me a link to the topic where the man's wife showed up drugged to the polygraph location? I want to read and learn from that story. I know polygraphs are not 100% accurate but showing up drugged is a whole other ballgame. Thanks.
I know I'm not Mel, but here it is. smile
OldWarHorse's Thread


You certainly are not.

You're MelodyLane Jr. MrRollieEyes


Was that a slam?

You would know the answer if you ever used the quick clicks or the most popular links. rant2

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You would know the answer if you ever used the quick clicks or the most popular links.
You lost me, Road. And you probably lost BH, as well. Are you saying you have a problem with her use of her own links?

Inform, please. toe tap


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Originally Posted by maritalbliss
Quote
You would know the answer if you ever used the quick clicks or the most popular links.
You lost me, Road. And you probably lost BH, as well. Are you saying you have a problem with her use of her own links?

Inform, please. toe tap
Yup Bliss you're correct. He lost me?? I don't get it??

Am I not supposed to be linking Dr. H's stuff on his website?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by maritalbliss
Quote
You would know the answer if you ever used the quick clicks or the most popular links.
You lost me, Road. And you probably lost BH, as well. Are you saying you have a problem with her use of her own links?

Inform, please. toe tap


See if separating the sentence from the icon helps you to see things clearer.

I say you must be short. rant2
That one went right over your head. rotflmao

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So I talked to the OMW and explained everything to her. My wife has been very cooperative and is taking the necessary steps to help with recovery. I ordered Surviving an Affair and His Needs, Her Needs to help us.

The one thing I'm struggling with is I just can't get the image of the two of them out of my head. In going through the emotional needs questionnaire, sex was very high on her list. How do I fill that need for her when this stupid thing keeps popping in to my head? I know it takes time but will it ever go away?

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