My H had an affair almost 10 years ago w/a woman who was visiting US from abroad. It wasn't a one night stand. It continued via email and 2nd meeting months later. Long story short, I was suspicious of his behavior and through credit card bills and access to his cell phone, I discovered it. Of course he had denied it until I had proof. We went to a few counseling sessions and he begged for forgiveness. We had 2 kids and one on the way, so it seemed best to reconcile.
Fast forward about 8 years out--I see similiar behavior patterns, working all the time, cell phone always out of sight, can't be reached, frequent travel, too busy to go on family vacations, etc. So after a recovery period of about 7-8 yrs, things start detiorating again. When I have asked for the cell phone there is a raging fight. He's broken 2 phones by smashing them against wall. I have full access to cell phone records, but I believe emails may be what he is hiding. I tried to call him one night on business trip and he wasn't in room. I had hotel manager, bang on door. No answer. He claims he couldn't sleep and went for a walk.
We have had periods where I just shut down and simply don't talk to him or acknowledge him--for weeks at a time. We've discussed divorce and he tells me if I want it, I have to leave. I have 3 kids who hear the fighting (and witness him breaking walls, smacking me, kicking me, etc,) My only concern is for them. I have urged him to seek counseling for anger management, but he says that it is my fault that he is enraged. My constant accusations are the reasons for his ange, so he says.
I am very suspicious he is cheating again, but have found no tangible proof. I have sought individual counseling to see if my concerns and views on his behavior are "crazy", but 2 therapists have concluded I am not. One counselor has suggested that he may not be cheating, but just angry about being mistrusted and treated like a child.
My H has refused to go to marriage counseling because he says that I will just pick someone who will side with me. Then I told him to pick one and he said not unless I am willing to say that I could be the problem. I told him I am open to any feedback given. I told him that if he doesn't set up marr. counseling by the end of the month, I am filing for separation. So far, he has not.
I know it is long and complicated, but I truly need advice. I feel like my physical and emotional health are suffering as are my children. I only want to create a happy and productive family, and it is far from it.

NYU25,

This thread would serve you much better on the "Surviving an Affair" board instead of "Recovery." Click on "Notify" below your thread and ask the Mods to move it to "Surviving an Affair." You'll get a lot of help there.

Mine too. You too of course but you are an adult and can do something to stop this. Your children need protection. Have you any idea what it will do to a child to hear their daddy beating their mummy?

Take the kids and run. Do you have a shelter you can get to?

Get away from this man as fast as you can.

Have you ever called the police to report this domestic violence? I am sorry you are in this situation. However, his A seems to be the least of your problems if you are living with this level of violence in your home.

Deal with the violence first and then of he gets help with this you can deal with the A's.

I am so sorry for what you are going through.

Thanks. I will ask for it to be moved.

How to I get him to deal with the violence? Only once (and I saved the email) has he admitted that he needs help with controlling his anger. He said he would look into a program, etc., then never did. It doesn't happen all the time. Buy as soon as the holes in the walls are patched.. it happens again. Maybe once a month, then a few months go by, etc.

I can't force him to do it. I guess that's the point, He won't be forced to do anything. He always want to be in control. If he is not, he's not interested in even participating.
That goes for family outings, vacations, dinners with other couples, home projects. If it is not his idea, he wants no part of it.

NYU, you can't control him. You can only control you and your reaction to what he does.

You need to remove yourself from the situation. Violence is never acceptable but your H is unlikely to stop the violence until you tell him that you will not tolerate it and that unless he gets help and never hits you again, you will take the kids and leave.

If he then refuses help or abuses you, you leave. It becomes a boundary, a line in the sand. If he crosses the line, you go and you don't go back until he gets the help he needs.

If you have little boys, they may well see what their daddy does and repeat it in their adult relationships and if you have little girls, they too are likely to repeat the cycle, end up in relationships with abusive men and accept the abuse because to them it is normal.

Have you reported this to the police? Does anyone know of this violence?

Are you sure you want to save this M as your H seems to have a lot of issues?

NYU25, In MB they tell you to stay in your house and have your H move. But in your case you need to get out...and I mean today You are being abused, physically, emotionally and spiritually. You think this is a way of life and are in denial.

Look at what you wrote. Read that sentence again and again. If your only concern was for them -- you would be out of there. It does not matter where you will be living, what material things you leave behind, you need a safe house.

Call the a woman abuse help line. Get your kids out of there and then set your boundaries. Get a restraining order again your H. File for legal seperation and get child support.

You cannot work on your M while living as a battered woman. You are letting him control everything. No one deserves to be hit, or smacked.

Your boys will learn the cycle of abuse and be abusers themselves because they are being exposed to this.

Please do this today.

I have threatened to call the police but am ashamed. I have told no one of the violence.
The last two times he went into a rage, I tried to leave with the kids to go to my Mom's house. Once I told the kids we were going to a hotel. He wouldn't let me leave the house. Once he told me to leave and the kids had to stay home.
I wouldn't leave without them.

Trying to leave when someone is violent is even more dangerous. Friday night he came home late from work again. He never calls to let me know what his schedule is and where he will be. If I ask, he says "i don't want to fight". Late Friday I asked him to talk calmly and told him that it is just common courtesy to let me know where he is. He said he was out for a beer with his boss and I shouldn't judge that. He says he doesn't tell me where he's going, because he's sure I will have a problem with it. He did admit his angry outburst are wrong and that he doesn't want to do it anymore. He was around a lot more to help out with the kids, but we never go anywhere together--not even the kids' games, school events, etc.
Actually, I don't really want to be with him any longer. I have told him I am willing to see a counselor to repair the marriage, but he needs to set it up.

After his last rampage, I told him that he had two weeks to set up counselling or I file for divorce. I asked last week if he made any calls and his response was "no-did you?" He says you gave me two weeks and its not two weeks yet. He also said "btw, I don't respond to ultimatums?"

I am trying to be strong here and be clear about what is necessary to make any progress. I know it sounds like an ultimatum, but he sees it as idle threats. He has says he is scared to death of losing his family and being alone. I do feel for him in that way, but he's done little to act on my requests: call me to let me know where you are/when to expect you home, wear wedding band, be involved with the family.
The first two things he refuses to do and the third he has tried since he does want to try to be a good dad.

I do have a pt job, which can go to FT if I wish.
I do have family close by who would absolutely freak out if they knew what my H has done and is doing. They must know there is serious friction as my H doesn't come to family dinners (my excuse is he's working), has missed family vacations (again he's said he's too busy) and is just a generally unfriendly guy --- at least to me and my family. He's a real gem to his co-workers and his own family, who he sees about once a year.
I have been hesitant to "tell-all" because they will all really hate him for what he has done/does. If we reconcile, and my family and friends know what he has done they will never accept him.

Would you rather have them freak out to hear he hit you or wait to you are in a hospital or worse because he pummeled you. You cannot worry about what they will think in the future. Worry about TODAY. You are protecting a violent man who has the potential to kill you. You said that you need to protect YOUR children. What is more important.

I was married to an abuser for 10 years.

I never called the police, I never told anyone. He did so much damage to my children that my oldest will never be okay. It hurts too much to go into detail.

But I can tell you that you are very typical for an abused woman.

You need to get out.

If he hits you again, call the police and get a restraining order. He will never stop as long as you do nothing.

Better yet leave, with the kids. Go somewhere where you and your children will be protected from him.

You have become used to the abuse. You need to tell your parents and family now. NOW.

It took me a year to ask for a divorce and get him out because I was terrified he would kill me or the kids.

My biggest regret is that I did not protect my boys and my oldest is seriously damaged.

You are not protecting your children or showing them what is right and good. You are allowing them to be raised in a family where they will grow up thinking this is normal or okay.

Please listen to me. I have been where you are. You need to end the abuse now.

What would you tell your child if you knew they were in the same situation as you?

Please, get help now. You will be amazed at the support you get once this abuse comes into the light of day.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Leave with your kids. In Texas, the police can escort a abused wife to safety, but can't guarantee the kids can go unless the H agrees to it. I helped my daughter through this 10 years ago.