I stumbled upon Marriage Builders while I was looking online for information on how to survive an affair. Voila! I have read the basic concepts and the articles on Surviving an Affair and am gradually workin my way around the site.

My WH is 58. I am 57. We have been married for 34 years and have lived together since I was 19 and he was 20. The AP is 38; WH is the same age as her mother.

D-day for me was May 12. I had suspected that WH has having an affair for several months. Each time I asked him if something was going on, he denied it, however. Finally he admitted me that he was "friends" with a co-worker. He kept the friendship a secret, he said, because he "knew" that I would not allow him to have a female friend. She was just a ski and running partner, he told me.

I told him that any friendship had to be immediately made open to both her husband and me. Her husband responded by immediately filing for divorce. I requested a meeting with the AP and my husband to establish boundaries for the friendship. My husband and I agreed on the boundaries. I also asked him to tell her in front of me that he was not interested in a romantic relationship with her. He did.

Two hours after the woman left my home, she and a friend (also one of my husband's female co-workers) called him 4 times in rapid succession to ask him to come join them for a drink. At that point I dold my husband the deal was off. She had violated the boundaries and I asked him not to see her again.

The following week, I received an anonymous letter stating that my husband was cheating on me. I told my husband that I was very embarrassed and humiliated to receive this letter and that for the sake of our marriage and his professional reputation, he needed to end the relationship. He told me that he would not see her again.

Finally, two days ago, WH admitted to me that it was a sexual affair. He says he has kept his word and has not met her outside of work, but since they work together he still speaks with her. She called our home one night last week when we were out for a counseling session. She "drops in" even when she is not scheduled to work. Her husband has told me that she is moving to our town to be closer to my husband and that she will not try to reconcile with her husband because she plans to be with mine.

My husband told me this morning that if I pressure her to leave her job it will be a deal breaker. My husband does not intend to leave his job, and he won't ask her to leave. Co-workers and probably the boss already know of the relationship. I am considering going to the boss and asking that at the very least she not be scheduled to work when my husband is working. Advisability?

First of all, I'm sorry. Very sorry you're going thru this. You're at the right place.

You must learn first the principles of plan A and use them to its' fullest potential.

And part of A is exposure.

Sadly they cannot work together anymore. Your wh is like a crack addict right now, and his crazy words are like a stoner in the street demanding YOU GIVE HIM more crack because it's ok, he won't use it much longer.

Heed the words of your ow's betrayed husband. SHE IS GOING AFTER YOUR HUSBAND. Stop and kill this affair NOW!

Your wh did not want you to know about his so called "secret friendship" because it's wrong. He knew it was an affair from the get go. Her husband knows it and he's divorcing the shrew. She cannot be around your wh at work and ONE OF THEM OR BOTH HAS TO GO.

If they continue to work together the affair will always be on. She knows this now and imho, you have a very desperate ow and ww on your hands, who will STOP AT NOTHING to get your husband and break up your marriage, because she has nothing to lose anymore.

You must expose this affair IMMEDIATELY to all of your wh's friends family and to the human resources at work, maybe even writing the CEO, and also exposing the OW immediately to all HER friends family and of course HR at work and Ceo too. Are they FB friends? I'd get on her FB page and copy down all her friends and do the Marriage Builders FB exposure bomb that is common on here.

One thing about counselors. THEY'RE MORE LIKE DIVORCE FACILITATORS rather than healing a marriage from divorce. Try to get counseling HERE from dr. Harley on the phone because he's saved thousands of marriages and so has his staff. Proven, proven techniques.

Also, what is the exact relationship business-wise of the skank to your husband at work? Who is in the higher up position? Who outranks who or are they equals in the workplace? Also read the thread about "damsels in distress" for many of these predatory ow SET OUT DELIBERATELY on their married men targets. It's a curious dance they do, beginning little by little getting their guards down at work or somewhere they see them often.

Your wh must end ALL CONTACT WITH THE OW immediately. No seeing, talking, texting, emailing, anything FOR LIFE.

YOU demand that! And learn the whole secret of MB plan A and how to do a good exposure. Read the board below this one called "Operation Investigate" because you need to snoop snoop snoop right now. Odds are, they'll take their secret "friendship" (where is the puke/gag smilie?) much much further underground since the cat is out of the bag. You need a voice activated recorder, maybe 2, flexspy or a downloadable program so you can read his texts and emails from phone, and also download a keylogger onto his computer to intercept messaging between them.

Don't despair, EXPOSE their skanky "friendship" to the world. And yes, to the highest bosses at their work too.

I am so sorry you are in this mess. If you want to save this, you will have to expose it wide and far. Affairs thrive on secrecy so exposing them is ruinous. It is like bringing in a crowd of people to the crack house to watch the crack heads get high. It ruins the high! It will take a nuclear exposure to kill this one. She has her claws in your H and will not stop until you run her off. Additionally, your husband is very addicted to her, so he obviously can't ever see her again, even at work. He will need to leave the job.

Dr Harley, clinical psychologis and founder of Marriage Builders, says this about exposure:


Those of us here who have fully recovered our marriages will attest to this. Recovery is impossible in your situation, though, because they work together. All that has happened here is that he has changed the name of his affair to "professional." That is like an alcoholic changing the name of his drinks to "business drinks" and imagining he is sober. That is just silly.

So, if you want to save this, I would suggest a very impactful, nuclear exposure on the SAME day to all your families, their employer, your children, everyone. That is your best hope. And if he loses the job, it will be a blessing that will likely save your marriage.

I would send this letter to the Director of Human Resources, a key VP and both their bosses, on the same day that you expose to your families, her family, her facebook friends, your children:

Developed by Brits Brat, board member and corporate attorney

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

BS
_________________________

Facebook exposure suggestions. First thing: go to the OP�s facebook page and copy and paste all their contacts into a word doc. This is real important because when you start exposure, you can expect the target to shut down the page.

When you expose on facebook, you should select key targets and send them a private message. Do not write this on a wall because it will be buried and ignored. Space your private messages out 60 seconds so fb does not shut you down for flooding. Make sure your full name shows up on facebook. Change your picture to one of you and your spouse and make sure there are several pictures of your children that are visible to the public.



Dear friend of Skankyhola,

It is with great regret that I send this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that Skanky is having an affair with my husband, Joe. We have been married for 5 years and have 3 heartbroken children. They have been having this affair since October according to the evidence.

I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would ask that you use your influence with Skanky to persuade her to leave my husband alone. You should also watch your own husbands around her because she is no friend to marriage.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify her parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.

Thank you, BW

FalloutShelter,

You have definitely found the right place. Sorry you are here.

Do NOT tell WH of this site. You will be getting a lot of advice on how to kill the A and it will not work if WH knows your strategy.

Keep reading here. Be calm. You will get through this.

Listen up, falloutshelter. What you're hearing is your best approach for killing this affair. You need to massively expose this all at once. With no prior warning! Do not threaten your WH with exposure. He will pre-empt you and spin the story to make you out to be a paranoid, jealous harpy.

And then the affair will go underground. That's not where you want it - it is harder to kill there. You need to STUN them with exposure.

I know from experience. The OWH in my sitch knew there was something going on and threatened to expose. It drove my H and his AP underground. The A did not end until the day it was exposed to their employer. It was killed THAT DAY with exposure. It could have ended as an EA, but it went PA because the OWH was afraid to expose. Don't dally and wait for things to get worse - the affair will become more entrenched, or, worse yet, the OW could become pregnant.

Trust me you don't want that. I lived thru the ow becoming pregnant and it was what made me file for divorce immediately.

Kill the affair NOW. Nuclear scorched earth exposure.

Again, NO WARNING. Hit without a warning.

This is a common tactic that waywards use to scare you and make you back down so that they can carry on their A.

The blatant and aggressive actions of this OW would certainly have me scared of an intentional pregnancy. She is willing to leave her family, move closer to your H, and makes no effort to hide her contact with your WH.

I think this A is deeper than you have been led to believe.

I agree with pokerface, he should not be protecting the Ow in any way......they cannot work together, that has to be a deal breaker for you.......
I am not sure if you know the whole truth here, hire a P.I.
Exposure is your only hope at breaking them up. at work, friends and family ......all at once......Your husband will be mad, so what............you two can survive that not your husband having another woman in his life...........
don't be afraid, stand up for what is yours........

Concurring what you have been told. It sounds like this A is deeply embedded. Its going to be tough and it may end in a divorce. Just want you to realize that and Im sorry to say it
But if it is to have a chance the first step is to try to kill the Affair.

Welcome to MB....sorry for the situation that brings you here.

Couple things:

1. Do you have children? They should be exposed to as well. It's there family too and they may very well help you save your husband from making the biggest mistake of his life.

2. Someone mentioned OW pregnancy. In the course of discussions with your WH it wouldn't hurt to remind him that OW in these situations often INTENTIONALLY become pregnant to trap their married man. Remind him not to underestimate the manipulativeness of a skank willing to pursue a married man. No matter what happens (even if you divorced)...statistics/chances are about 99% that in 2 years this woman won't be in his life anymore UNLESS they have some kid. Tell him he'd better be wearing a condom and not trusting she's truly handling birth control. (this is all not even mentioning STD's which he and you should be checking for). I am not saying you encourage them to have sex. No. Rather warning your husband who appears completely lost in the fog and not himself right now about one of the large dangers of these situations he is certainly unaware of. He thinks she's special and would never do this (but that's what her soon to be ex husband thought to, no doubt).

3. Exposure... One swoop in a nuclear fashion. You may fear your husband will say that that was the last straw...and he might...but your marriage can survive his anger. It won't survive this never ending ever deepening affair. Your secrecy feeds their affair.

4. Don't forget to expose on OW's side of the fence. OW don't seem to care as much as OM's but it's most likely your husband that will care. You see...it will make your husband uncomfortable around her family and friends because he will sense them judging him. The uncomfortableness, embarassment and eventually shame (hopefully) permeates their daily life and eventually the affair becomes not worth it.

Good luck,
Mr. Wondering

Oh yeah, forgot to mention.

Have you secured your finances yet?

Wayward Husbands planning and scheming a divorce often move around monies from joint accounts into individual accounts and try to withdraw money from retirement accounts. This is on top of the gross spending and running up of debt of the affair itself. Sometimes waywards leave and take all the financial documents with them too so you don't even know what you have and have to go through discovery in the divorce process to find out.

I would investigate your financials and make copies of any and all financial documents you can get your hands on (and store the new copy in a secure location). I would consider moving money yourself preemptively from joint accounts to your individual name. Don't know how much to take? Well most betrayed wives with adult children would simply take all of it and dole it out from there as you as essentially protecting your wayward husband from himself and PROTECTING the family money from skankyho ow. If you don't think taking it all works for you...then add up the number of children plus you in the family and take a percentage for each. If you have 2 kids that means the each person gets 25% or 1/4 of the family money so you remove 75% to protect it leaving "his" 1/4.

Also..after you've move the cash, you may want to warn financial advisors and any administrators of retirements accounts that your husband is having an affair and if he won't end it you will soon be divorcing. They need to know to flag your account as all your husband has to do to withdraw retirement savings is to forge your name on just one document and he can "withdraw" as much as he wants. The banks and financial institutions need to flag your accounts to watch out for suspicious activity. It also gives you a legitimate excuse to expose the affair to them as well. If you have the time...set up face to faces with them.

Mr. Wondering

Can you spell GOLDDIGGER? My husband can't.

I have exposed to friends and family, but not to employer out of concern about possible sexual harrassment suit on her part.

WH is responding well to my plan A. I wasted my first 3 weeks by trying to share my thoughts, feeling, and reasoning with him. From now on I'll take care of my hurt, anger, and resentment through friends, my therapist, and this forum.
From now on I'll kill him with kindness and not burden him with my pain.

WH is a low tech, so I don't think I need electronic surveillance. He doesn't have a cell phone, rarely checks his e-mail (I know his password and have monitored occasionally since a previous EA). He doesn't have a facebook page, and although she does, it hasn't been updated in a long time.

What I do need is a spy in the workplace, someone who can either substantiate or deny that he is sticking to his nc agreement. I stongly suspect that the anonymous letter came from someone in the workplace. I know many people there but am not particularly close friends with any of them.

While I understand the theory behind full and complete exposure, I'm not yet willing to launch a nuclear weapon at work. We live in a very small town, and I am fearful of the professional and personal fallout for both WH and myself. I am not ready to take this step.

In the meantime, I will be vigilant. WH will be out of AP's reach for the next week. I will use my contacts to continue to gather information. And I will continue to love up my husband.

FalloutShelter.

Are you planning on spending the rest of your life wondering what is going on in the workplace?

You do understand that your M cannot recover like this ...

Poker,

No, I do not plan on living like this forever. I may or may not regret my decision to do more fact finding before I launch a nuclear weapon, but I have always favored nuclear deterrents.
I am willing to take the responsibility for my decisions.

I appreciate and respect the opinions of those who have replied to my original post. I will continue to weigh the advice I have been given. For the moment I am holding off. I haven't ruled out the possibility; I'm still evaluating.

Fallout,

Hey, of course you won't live your life like that. It was a rhetorical question.

You have gotten sound advice here. We all understand the shame and humiliation thing ... but exposure at work is your best weapon. The workplace is one of the conditions that allowed the A to begin.

At the very minimum, your H needs to leave that job.

This aggressive OW worries me. Don't spend too much time evaluating.

My best to you.

Set a time limit on this element of Plan A.
And, simultaneously get prepared for Plan B.
"From now on" sounds too vague to me.
How many weeks longer?

Have you read the False Recovery thread?
Many voices of experience on that thread.
Not to be ignored.

Falloutshelter, you don't need a spy to know that he works with the OW. You already know that. The point is that your marriage cannot recover unless he leaves that job. The affair is still on as long as they see each other day. All that has happened here is that the affair is now called "professional contact." That is cute and winsome, but it is still an affair. Putting lipstick on a pig means it is still a pig.

You do need to expose the affair at the workplace in addition to DEMANDING that your husband leave the job and end all contact. That is the only hope you have. If he won't leave the job and end contact, then you should separate and go into Plan B.


You are enabling the affair by keeping it a secret. You are HARMING your husband and squandering your marriage with this tactic. The longer this goes on the more likely this will end in divorce. Enablers don't make it, FS. Here is a radio clip where Dr Harley tells a betrayed husband that he probably could have saved his marriage [his wayward wife was leaving him for the OM] if he hadn't enabled it. radio clip = "it's very difficult to overcome an affair when you become an enabler"