How I wish I had found MB before September. My marriage has been on the rocks for about 8 years. We've been married for 9. My husband is addicted to pornography. I would withdraw from him because if it and he would turn to his addiction and it was a vicious cycle. He has been verbally abusive and controlling in the past as well as some physical abuse. Instead of trying to address the real issue I had an affair. I didn't go looking for it but i didn't set boundaries and allowed myself to talk about my marriage to another man. I allowed the OM to fulfill the needs my husband had neglected. I was so wrong.

So on top of an already poor marriage we have to deal with this. At first I figured our marriage was over. After all I had endured so much already. I felt as if I should have gotten out years ago but yet let it come to this. Dday was a terrible day. My husband yelled and screamed and called me all sorts of horrible names. He called my mother to expose it and ended up calling her all sorts of names too. I understand he's hurt. The counselor we're working with says I need to let him be hurt and I'm trying to do that. I'm letting him lead this.

I don't know if we can survive this. He continues to call me names that are very hurtful. When we go to counseling he gets angry that we don't talk about how awful I am. The counselor told me one on one that he's working with my husband to show him that the marriage was poor before the A and when husband realizes this then he can work on helping husband know how to meet my needs.

I'm more committed to the marriage than my husband is. But with every angry outburst and every moment he withholds affection and blows me off I just die a little inside. I'm scared because I'm reminded why an affair was so tempting and irresistible in the first place. I will not do that again. How can I protect myself? From an affair and from the hurtful things my husband says. I feel like I deserve all the hate yet it is destroying me.

When he rants awful things "at" you. Just listen. Don't respond.
Eventually he may ask you to respond.
If/when he does:

"Would you like to learn about a plan to make this marriage work?"

Eventually he will say "Yes."

Then, you hand him Dr. Harley's book, Surviving An Affair. From here on out known as SAA. (visit the bookstore)

Your thread title:

Quote

Can we survive

Don't you mean THRIVE ?

[video:youtube][/video]




What every MB forum poster should watch.

This is what happens when you have 2 ongoing threads asking for help.

Your other thread.

Please, have both threads merged and stick to one thread.
Thanks.

I'm not going to post to you any further until you indicate you have taken the steps previously advised.
Buy/read SAA.
Watched the video.

Hmmm. As you can see, papacharlie, what happens when you have 2 ongoing threads is that you get consistent advice.

This is Marriage Builders (and welcome, by the way!). It doesn't matter how many threads you start, you will get MB advice on how to end the affair and rebuild your marriage. As Dr Harley says, the path to recovery is narrow and you must follow the steps. There is no wiggle room.

The coaches at the telephone coaching centre, Dr Harley's son Steve Harley and his daughter Dr Jennifer Harley Chalmers, are excellent at motivating reluctant spouses to change their love-busting behaviour and work at improving the marriage. They will talk to your H individually (i.e. you will not be able to have your say during the call) and convince him of the benefits of a different marriage from the one you have now.

You would do well to get your H's agreement to giving to coaching centre a try. I guarantee that he will not be disappointed.