Another sad tale ...
I believe it was February. I was sitting in the car just outside of my sons gymnastics. I looked at my wife and asked her to be honest with me. There has been something on my mind over the years that has bothered me ... I told her that I was sick and dying inside ... And needed to know ... Did you cheat on me with your boss all those years ago? An old question that had not been asked in years and years ...
Wait ... This is going to be a long story so I may as well start at the start.
I married my wife 19 years ago in July. A few years into our marriage I was not happy with how much my wife was working. She was an engineer and I was a stockbroker. We both made great money but where I would work 7-4 then come home to my life she would be 'stuck' at work weekends, and to all hours of the night...my gut was telling me the same thing that we all know was really happening but who was I to call the woman of my dreams and the only women I have ever been with a liar when I asked her if something was going on and she tells me no ...
It went on for some time like this in my life. Then we had kids and I remember telling my wife that she can't keep working where she was. The hours and our lack of time together was killing me and the way I see her acting around her boss and defending her work so much at our expense was also killing me.
So she did eventually quit. We quit our jobs left the city to raise our kids. We bought a house out close to where we both grew up and where our families were. Things were pretty good for the next 5 years with me working from home and my wife being mom. (note we had a boy then she went back to work for a year then had a girl before she left .... I'll make reference to this later .. But in case I forget to mention it, the DNA tests I did show that that are my kids -- how fun is that people !).
We made a decision to homeschool our 2 children and unfortunately things got rough a bit for us financially. It got to the point that my wife was going to have to work again to help out. We made the decision that she would work for the next few years and I could teach the children then we would switch again in a few years and leapfrog like that to always keep our family together and be with our kids.
She called up her old company and got a job in TN. We were living in Canada (our home) but my wife was insistent that she did not want to work in her old position in Canada.
It was an exciting move for us I thought ... A chance to see the world a bit and what a beautiful place. An adventure - why not. We packed up and started the next chapter of our lives in the south in a new country.
Again I thought things were going well for awhile. But certain patterns started to develop and soon the kids and I never really saw mom much.
Now in my wife's defense, she is a workaholic I believe which is a condition that I believe real. But anyways ... Without time together, of course resentment began to grow in both of us I imagine. Our relationship got to the point where it was me driving her to work each day and picking her up each night so late that she would just come home, prepare for her weekend meeting, and pass out. Rinse and repeat. I was not happy and begged her just to leave work and we work together from home or anything different from this. She believed that she could not homeschool the kids like I was and convinced herself she had to keep working. And that she did.
We did have lots of great times mixed into this schedule and the kids were happy. It would take me 5 years to get my green card at which point we were hoping to all start a family business or I was to go work a bit while my wife took her turn at home again. I found myself not able to compete for her attention. Her work got her for 11 hours a day .. Between dinner driving everyone around etc. I got her for like 5 min. I missed her and I saw us just growing apart ... But what could we do ... Ever forward ... Keep the kids learning keep working hard around the home ... If she was having to work late then the kids and I would work hard too. I never went out or had friends how would that be fair with her working so hard I told myself.
So fast forward back ... here we were back in that parking lot and I hear the words for the first time in my 18 years with this girl.
... "I made a mistake"
I don't have to go into details about how those words can hit you like a freight train but there it was ... It was true ... Her affair with her boss apparently lasted for about a year and a half (gulp).
My past gone. Destroyed. Abolished.
We went through the tears and anguish and my wife begged for my forgiveness. It was 15 years ago and we have two children I told her and myself that I would, this once, forgive her (or at least try) but she had to tell me everything I needed to know (btw - ignorance is bliss let me tell you - some details she told me I could have lived without).
My wife told me awful details but on her knees, crying and swearing on our daughters' eyes, that that was it and she was young and stupid and has been faithful since.
The nightmares began ... The relentless movie and the triggers kicked in everywhere. The sickness, the confusion, ... Even today it all seems unreal to me as I write this.
I fight through it. I'm not sleeping or eating much at this point but I continue the struggle and three months later things are still bad for me but my wife seems to love me so much more than I am used to. I actually get to have sex now and she kisses me. Wow .. This is new. But this is scary in so many ways ... Is this the attention that HE got!! ... I never had this! Omg!
Anyways .... Ever forward ... One day about a month into my healing, I approach my wife in the kitchen and preform a pop quiz test that she, or really I for that matter, knew was coming...
I looked at her and calmly said "I just learned about you and Dan"
It was a total bluff.
Dan was basically the only person I know here in TN. He was a friend of our family that lived just down the road .. He was an unemployed drunk but my wife and his got along.
Reaching for my toast expecting to perhaps get a small chuckle out of my wife, instead that freight train Came back with a few of his buddies to run me over again.
"it was only once ! And we didn't do much" she says to me as the toast drops to the floor.
The darkness overwhelms me .... Don't get off this ride til it comes to a complete stop!
At this point I reach out and tell my children because now they have been cheated on too and they deserved to know of the upcoming turn of events their world was about to take. Not really knowing myself where that turn was to lead .. But I was sure it was not going to be good.
I was a great father. My children are brilliant and loving and I protected them from everything ... I just never saw this knife in the back coming and I feared for a moment that I may not make it through this for them.
Pause in story: I want to apply for the record here ... I went 6 months with less than 1 hour of sleep a day and dropped 55lbs from 200 to 145 in the same time ... Little but of a shock to the whole system I guess.
Here was her story ... She told me it was nothing: Dan was over for a Christmas gathering or just for a drink - he was a loser unemployed alcoholic btw. Apparently my wife was at the sink rinsing a glass and Dan came up and grabbed her [censored] (outside clothes) and she reached around "a reaction she called it" and brushed her hand across his penis (again on the outside of clothes).
I made her reenact the crime to show me how far past the line she crossed with Dan and she brought me to the kitchen with tears in her eyes again and showed me how it was just more or less a brushing of genitals.
How sickening to add this to my movie collection that was already filled with my wife in parking lots, hotels and bathrooms having sex with her slimy married boss (who is by no means a looker).
At least this new info was not quite as graphic ... To deal with this small hiccup is easy, I only have to never have any friends again if I want to keep my wife (or at least limit myself to friends with leprosy).
Ok ... My mind gets to add this to the wonderful mix ... Drinks involved ... Ok ...if I can do this boss thing ... I'll deal with Dan later and it should be cakewalk. Ever forward into my spiraling world of devastation.
I think about a week passed .. I have bruises and scars from my physical attacks on myself ... Late night and early morning head smashing sessions.
My daughter and I are on the trampoline sitting looking at the sky and my wife comes to us crying to tell me of another man she was with back in the old boss screwing days. Something that has been weighing heavily on her chest and she "had to come clean" again. She says she went to a bar on one her business trips and was necking with him as he told her sad stories of his sick child.
My daughter of 11 years who has never in her life before this year cried or had reason to .. Held me and we cried together for hours ... We are still crying today. My poor poor children.
I need help here maybe. Hmmm..I talk to no one ... Who can I talk to ... I have only myself ... I must get strong.
I start working out relentlessly. I am lean at this time ... Bordering on anorexic. Get strong I tell myself. Strong on the outside makes you strong on the inside.
I am a vegan now and back up to 160 in the best shape of my life. I can do 75 good pushups in a row, 17 chin ups, and can run for miles without tiring. I have tried meditation, I have tried writing, I have given up drinking and have tried to improve myself in every way (not that I was a bad guy in the first place - just a reaction I suppose).
My wife tells me she needed to let me know that so she was totally transparent (we both have read a lot and studied our situation to find a way to fix me or the marriage or whatever it was that needed to be fixed.
It's blurry a bit but basically more pain and anguish for me over then next month or two ... ho hum. Ever forward ... Where has the last 4 months gone? Where am I? Who am I? Who is this woman? Some of you reading understand all this ... No need to elaborate.
In one of my outbursts about the whole Dan thing ... I pick up the phone and tell her I am calling him ... I need to know that you are being honest. I tell her simply that if her story does not match that of dans that i have to leave.
Oh btw ... Of course I called the old bosses wife to make sure he didn't walk away smelling like roses (or smelling like my wife). There is currently a restraining order in place so I guess he is a bit scared ... Serves him right ... Back to the story ... It starts to get good here .....(gotta skip some of the devastating events for my next writing sessions).
So as the phone goes to my ear and my finger to the button ....
How was I to know that freight trains could fly?
"wait" she say
The 2nd base action by the kitchen sink that she reenacted for me and that haunted me for weeks was not even real! She made up a movie just for me!
The only thing being true was it started in the kitchen.
Apparently what really happened was: I was sitting beside my wife as my friend and neighbor dan gently slid his hand down my wife's pajama pants as I was not looking (right beside me) from behind.
Instead of a polite slap to the face my wife and this man go upstairs where she says all that happened was he touched her again down the pants and she put her hand down his pants and stroked him a bit. ... She tells me the kitchen story was made up because basically she did not have intercourse with him so it was just the same thing ... A reaction she calls it. She swears that nothing else ever happened and the two of them never spoke of it even though we still saw them.
Knowing what she was capable of and going so far to cross that line, I can believe or understand why they would stop there. She tells me he was hard and yet he did not pursue. So hard to believe .. Yet again I feel compelled to believe her. (yup I must have gone off the deep end).
It's not even that, it's the lies as some of you know.
Ever forward...
Later that week she cancels our date night because her new boss asked her to come out with him on a dinner interview.
I told her she has to leave work if there is to be any hope ... Which is still to be determined. She writes a letter to her work telling the story and asking for help and they let her go.
We are now unemployed and crazy.
I better quickly switch from homeschooling dad who volunteers time at the local library teaching chess with the kids to now figuring out a way to keep everyone alive before they take our home now.
No problem ... Will just add this to my to do list.
I quickly run and rent myself an apartment and move away leaving all possessions behind and spent a few nights alone curled up in a corner of a dark cold and storage apartment ... My home? Where are my kids? Where is my wife? Wtf just happened?
She begs me to stay / come back. She tells me she loves me. She tells me she is so sorry. She looks so sad. I feel so sad for her.
I come home (omg how much of our savings were blown in that little escapade?)
she treats me like a god now and tries so hard.
I truly believe she is sorry for her choices.
I think she loves me what what is love
She never kissed me before like this or at all really ....
It is wonderful ... But wait .... Those guys were getting this ??
What number does this put me in the hierarchy ? Somewhere just under the local drunk I think ..... I went from number 1 to number 4 ... Just shy of any medals .. Par for my course.
The roller coaster has yet to stop but at times it slows down a bit now. My wife and I have found that magical place that some find where the love is overwhelming and although the recipe was evil ... The results may well be worth it.
We lose sight of that love sometimes but maybe it really is out there or maybe it is just not meant to be - no matter - all is lost for me no matter now.
We have both learned so much about ourselves. Maybe it could work still. Then I write this and as I read it, I think to myself, what the he'll am I still doing here.
I have explored all aspects of anger - they all lead nowhere good.
I do not like the angry me. I never met him before but let me tell you he is a [censored]. The internal battles ... Both mental and physical as he hits me in the face and rarely holds back.
(please note that my rage and torment although sometimes out of my control, is always directed at inflicting pain on myself only ... Expect for those evil words that spew from my mouth every once in a while when my walls leak a bit. Those words I know hurt my kids and each day I vow not to let 'banner' out to vent his rage (Banner is the name I gave to my new split personality - he's the angry elf in me - banner like David banner from hulk you know).
The kids don't like it when banner smashes things (like my guitar the other day - doh! Note to self ... Stop breaking stuff ... Especially stuff you like.)
Not sure where to go from here in my story .. Everyone will be waking up soon and I will go downstairs to look for some jobs (got the foreclosure notice so I better learn quickly to focus here .. Time is slipping away..wake up me).
I thought of running away and becoming a superhero and even made myself a website (a bit dark and gloomy but at least it's an option for me) - **edit** I think it turned out pretty good.
My thought this morning ... Let's get through the day ... Keep sorting the thoughts .. Try to show only love for the sake of the kids and everyone here.
I don't know what to do but i realize in this moment i still have time to think I can always decide tomorrow or in 19 more years ....
19years . Kids . Love. What a ride.
A bad year.
Gunna go run a quick mile before it all starts again. The next showing of my movie starts in 30 sec. God I hate these reruns.
Well met all ... My name was Marty
This is my first post.
ps I sometimes feel ripped off that she got to have so much sex while I got none and I did turn it away when presented to me on numerous occasions in life. These thoughts were never here before. I'm 43 years old and I'm just starting to learn about how fun this sex stuff can be. Hmmm..is it a trap?
Is she just having sex now as a way to keep me? She says the sex we have now is the best in her life ... And that I look better than ever etc .. It's the best sex I ever had too considering it's almost the only sex I've had haha. Is it a trap? I can honestly say one can never know ... But should i care ... I love this girl ... But she hurt me so badly ...
Maybe the superhero route would be the best ....
Or maybe ...
Why I write this .. who knows ... i know no one can tell me what the right thing is to do ... but i welcome any comments or suggestions - just in case I missed something in my journey and/or just to have something to read in the wee hours of the night.
