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My wife says its to late for her. I read the love buster book and discovered many issues of disconnect. We have been together for 20 years. Beautiful family and we are the closest of friends. For years she has not had desire for me. Says she needs to find her self, she lost her identity. Thinking about getting her own place but feels trapped because she only makes min money. Has always done for everyone else and nothing for herself. Only staying for the children. She did have a affair 7 months ago and is over that. Feels very bad for hurting me. We tried couples therapy. The last meeting the therapist said maybe I need to let her go. She might never come back or might realize what she needs is right here with me. Her intimate feelings toward me have not been there for years. I did not know this and she didn't quite honestly know either. Now that I have made changes and started working on the relationship my wife says its to late. What if she doesn't want to fix this?
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Dear A/h, Hang in there. In many marriages, it is important for the husband to give the wife venting time, maybe 15 minutes daily, so she can express her frustrations, and receive reassurances that you, as her husband care about her feelings. So while it is discouraging to hear that your wife is not sure about her feelings for you, it is also important to recognize your success in meaningful listening to your wife, which can be Adoration. Many women appreciate compliments letting her know that you are attracted to her. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.htmlWhat are some compliments to keep in mind? //
Last edited by Senator_H; 09/14/13 08:52 AM.
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Ah75, if you use this program you can restore the romantic love to your marriage. Unfortunately, marriage counselors don't have the slightest idea how to save marriages, as you have learned. They are little more than divorce counselors. Your wife can fall in love with you again if you follow these steps outlined in this article: How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love to Your Marriage I would also get Dr Harley's books Fall in Love, Stay in Love and the workbook, Five Steps to Romantic Love. You can completely change your marriage using those books along with the free help you can get on the forum and the free radio show. You must take a comprehensive approach to fixing this marriage. While SenatorH is correct about listening to complaints, that won't restore the romantic love to your marriage. A piecemeal approach will not do the trick. You need to have a comprehensive approach. I would also start snooping to see if she is having an affair. It is very unusual for a wife to want to split up unless there is an affair. That has to be ruled out. I've seen so many spouses lie about affairs, that when one spouse wants a separation, my best guess is that he or she is having an affair. I'm right almost every time.
Why would anyone need to be alone to sort things out? It makes much more sense to think that being separated makes it easier to be with their lover. Granted, there are many good reasons for a separation, such as physical or extreme mental abuse. But of all those I've seen separate, most have had lovers in the wings.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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She did have a affair 7 months ago and is over that. Oops, I missed this. The issue then is the affair. First off, your marriage never recovered from the affair and secondly, the affair is probably still active. When an adulterer wants to separate, it is so she/he can conduct her affair in peace. Who was the OM? What happened? Is the OM married? Was the affair exposed? Can you tell me everything about the affair?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The last meeting the therapist said maybe I need to let her go. This is because the therapist doesn't have the slightest idea how to save your marriage. No idea whatsoever. Marriage counselors are destructive to marriages and have a higher personal divorce rate than the general population.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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When I asked if she wants me to end this she could not answer me. When I asked if she could remain faithful she did not now. We are staying in the same bed but last night she said some times it feels awkward. How do I remain faithful and so committed I don know. We r at different levels in our LB.
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The Om was a friend of ours. She did say she was disgusted when she sees him in public. We have no contact with him. The affair was exposed and his wife was also a friend. It's hard seeing her also. We live in a very small town.
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We will have a couple good days. I show some affection. And then she gets distant and tells me what she's not feeling. I asked her to read the books with an open mind. Don't think she will pick them up.
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How can the program work if I'm the only one trying it?
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How is the reading coming along? Do you have any questions about the article I posted?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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How can the program work if I'm the only one trying it? It usually works that one partner does more work to keep a marriage working. Listening, Adoration and avoiding love busters are active things you can do, and continue, that build love. In some successful marriages, the wife stays in the marriage, because she appreciates the devotion she receives from her husband. You cannot control your wife's feelings, which may fluctuate. It is not the husband's job to control the wife's feelings. It can be the husband's role to express appreciation for the wife. Besides being a good mother, what do you find attractive about your wife? The attention she gives to make-up, does she appear attractive to you? Her figure? Have you compared her attributes to movie stars? What terms of endearment do you use in seduction? Your wife should share the feelings she wants to share with you. Ask her open-ended questions, like "How's it going?". It is smarter to avoid asking your wife, specific questions like "Do you feel Love forever?" Just let your wife share the feelings and frustrations she wants to talk through. //
Last edited by Senator_H; 09/14/13 10:08 AM.
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The Om was a friend of ours. She did say she was disgusted when she sees him in public. We have no contact with him. The affair was exposed and his wife was also a friend. It's hard seeing her also. We live in a very small town. Ah75, Dr Harley would recommend that you move away if you are still seeing the OM and his wife. Everytime she sees him put her back to Day 1 of recovery. She is in a perpetual state of withdrawal. The fact that she wants to separate makes me wonder if the affair is not still active. What proof do you have that the affair is over?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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We will have a couple good days. I show some affection. And then she gets distant and tells me what she's not feeling. I asked her to read the books with an open mind. Don't think she will pick them up. Are you suggesting she read books because you think she has the wrong attitude? Could you find a more loving, understanding approach? What would you like her to change? What does you wife like to talk about that you find it difficult to listen to her? Have you asked her not to talk about certain things? Can you change your attitude to be more receptive to listening to your wife talk aloud about the issues that seem important to her at the time? Can you give her quiet adoration on the days she is feeling distant, and maybe does not have things she wants to talk about? Can you think of any things your wife was interested in talking about, that you could have been more encouraging for her to talk about? //
Last edited by Senator_H; 09/14/13 11:46 AM.
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We will have a couple good days. I show some affection. And then she gets distant and tells me what she's not feeling. I asked her to read the books with an open mind. Don't think she will pick them up. Are you suggesting she read books because you think she has the wrong attitude? Could you find a more loving, understanding approach? What would you like her to change? What does you wife like to talk about that you find it difficult to listen to her? Have you asked her not to talk about certain things? Can you change your attitude to be more receptive to listening to your wife talk aloud about the issues that seem important to her at the time? Can you give her quiet adoration on the days she is feeling distant, and maybe does not have things she wants to talk about? // Senator, you do understand that all this is meaningless in the face of an affair? You are giving him advice for recovery [in a piecemeal way] when there is an affair problem here. The affair has to be dealt with FIRST and when the steps for recovery are implemented, it can't be done in a piecemeal way. If he is distracted with approaches like this he can't be focusing on the main problem, which is the affair. Are you familiar with Dr Harley's steps to recover from an affair?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Ah75, here is a real good synopsis of the steps for recovery after an affair: The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.
I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.
The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy. You can see that the first step is to completely separate your wife from the OM. That is not happening if they run into each other in a small town. In those cases, Dr Harley recommends a move to another city. Please go read this thread and all the links: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2695379#Post2695379
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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We will have a couple good days. I show some affection. And then she gets distant and tells me what she's not feeling. I asked her to read the books with an open mind. Don't think she will pick them up. Are you suggesting she read books because you think she has the wrong attitude? Could you find a more loving, understanding approach? What would you like her to change? What does you wife like to talk about that you find it difficult to listen to her? Have you asked her not to talk about certain things? Can you change your attitude to be more receptive to listening to your wife talk aloud about the issues that seem important to her at the time? Can you give her quiet adoration on the days she is feeling distant, and maybe does not have things she wants to talk about? // Senator, you do understand that all this is meaningless in the face of an affair? You are giving him advice for recovery [in a piecemeal way] when there is an affair problem here. The affair has to be dealt with FIRST and when the steps for recovery are implemented, it can't be done in a piecemeal way. If he is distracted with approaches like this he can't be focusing on the main problem, which is the affair. Are you familiar with Dr Harley's steps to recover from an affair? Plan A. Plan B, No Contact letter. You may be right that the affair is continuing. Just A/h does not seem to aware of how to meet his wife's needs. //
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When there has been an affair, a MACRO approach is warranted, rather than a MICRO approach. Rather than giving her admiring looks and listening carefully, he needs to be putting his house up for sale, exposing her affair, and changing the environment that led to the affair. There will be no marriage in which to meet needs if he doesn't do that FIRST. As long as the OM is hanging around, her lovebank will be closed to him.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I think the link that is in Melodylane's signature goes to the investigation forum. It sounds like she is still in an A, so I would snoop. If she is still in an A then that has to be stopped.
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Sorry, great mothers don't have affairs and abandon the father of their children. She may have once been a great mother. But then again, if she allowed the love for her husband to die, and ran off to have an affair, I would seriously question the premise that she is a great mother. She may have the potential to be, or to be again. But right now, she is NOT a great mother, nor a great wife.
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