Hi all,

I've been a member here for many many years and work the program with my husband. I am here for my own guidance. I don't want to enable my sister. I have tried steering my bil here but I doubt he will. I've also tried to get my sister here as well. All to know avail. My heart is breaking for these two people.

Background: married 34 years, 2 boys 15 and 18. years of highs and lows. My sis has been miserable for years. Been to individual counselling but never together over the years.

I have tried to be supportive of my sis...but she is in the proverbial fog due to an emotional affair that's been going on for 2 years. lifelong family friend of 30 years. OM is divorced recently and has been in the process for 3 years. finally final. It's the same familiar story. hours of text/phone calls. It hasn't been physical as far as intercourse...kissing and heavy petting. OM has had prostate cancer and is impotent. Husband knows and has exposed this affair to her friends, his friends, OM's wife now exwife. Cool that he just went into this mode of exposure. Good on him

I just want to say that people who are in the throws of infidelity are the biggest liars to themselves and to everyone.
My sis has not a pot to piss in. SAHM who has done the books/accounting for her H who is a self employed builder. They have lived in feast or famine throughout the marriage. No retirement, no security. Sis is exhausted living like this and wants a divorce. The EA has been the catalyst to supposedly get the ball rolling for her to leave the marriage per her. So here is where I come in and where I am seeking either a hit on the head to Butt out...or advice on how I might be supportive.

I have told my sister that she must have no contact, cut it off. Either work on her marriage or talk to an attorney regarding an uncontested. She agreed to the no contact, but said she wanted out of the marriage regardless. I actually believed her. I gave her some money for a retainer and actually went with her to a consultation. She was visiting me this weekend and I'll be damned if she wasn't talking to the OM. I know him and he is also a friend. I texted him when I found out that they were talking/texting etc..only to learn that He has told her that it is over, he is actually dating someone. He told me that she is almost stalking him. Showing up at his place begging him to talk to her. The problem is that the no contact gets broken every few weeks by him texting her to leave him alone. Just enough contact to make her take three steps back in her detox of him. She is a mess.

Well, I absolutely went ballistic on her. I'm freaking disgusted with her. I'm disgusted with OM and spoke with him to please never ever contact her again. He promised he would never contact her. She told me..swore to me on her way home via phone that she has blocked and deleted him and knows that she must not break the no contact EVER. Needless to say, she is hate mode to me. I'm bummed...very distraught. I guess I just need to cut off our sisterhood for awhile and let her figure it out.

She said she would send back the money. I don't want it back and I want her to use it if she chooses to not work on her marriage. In the meantime, her hubs and I spoke...he doesn't want a divorce but doesn't want to be with someone who doesn't love him and has had his divorce papers for several months but not given to her. He is now going to give them to her this week to sign. My sister has told me she hasn't loved him 10 years ago...they live as roomates only. They have NO physical touch and have not had sex in over 4 years. Gosh, how horrible to be in a sexless marriage.

I guess I've done her a disservice. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. The one thing that I can attest to is this: There is her side, Her husband's side and the actual truth. After talking to my BIL, whom I adore and love...I'm more inclined to believe his perspective. I want to support them both. Ugh. This is so very very sad for them both. My heart hurts for them and their boys...as they have witnessed rage and BIL throwing every breakable thing out the back door, punching holes in the walls. I understand the emotional state he is in. But he is wrong for this uncontrolled rage. He has admitted this. He is trying so hard.

I thank you for taking the time to read this verbose post and appreciate any insight and feedback...the good, the bad the ugly!

I was going to tell you to get your money back from your sister until I read the part about your BIL's violent rages. She needs to separate from him immediately. He is a dangerous person and could very well kill her. The danger is more critical because she is fogged out and continues in her affair.

He needs to move out and get into anger management classes immediately. Honestly, this is a deal breaker. This is the lead up scenario to women who get killed.

Thanks Melodylane, I think he will come to this website and read and learn.I spoke to him today and he said he would come read and look around. I told him I'd posted on the forum. He's never been on a public forum.

Not that it makes any difference, but he has never hurt her physically in 34 years of marriage/relationship combined. Nor would he. I know this to be fact. I am not justifying the punching of walls, nor throwing her stuff out the back door. They are both in anguish, both hurting. And He fully admits that his actions were wrong. So, maybe the good folks here wont beat him up to bad when and if he comes to the forum. He needs guidance...and I'm pretty sure I've seen a lot of that here on top of the clue x fours

Just know that the problem here is his uncontrollable anger. You can't make any promise about what he will or won't do while in a rage because he is insane. Admitting he is wrong does not solve the problem. You can't guarantee what he will do while in a rage anymore than you can guarantee the behavior of a falling down drunk. He is absolutely out of control when he is in this state and as such, is not safe for your sister.

So we would give him guidance to a) leave and b) not come back until he has completed an anger management program and had his emotions under control for at least a year.

Well let me just say that maybe the term uncontrollable wasn't the proper use of the vernacular ML. People get angry and no doubt very upset when they have been watching their spouse having contact with another person. Again, I'm not justifying punching the wall, and breaking crap...but before out casting him, maybe he will come here and you and all the folks here can get him pointed in the right direction. I want to edit my original post ML...but I don't see the edit button for it. Can you help me...Its probably in front of my face.

or I'll just edit here for clarification. And shame on me, but it seems that my sister has said that they have not had relations in 4 years. I don't know what is true, because I have found her to be very dishonest with me to justify her EA. Trying to make her Hub that bad guy so it makes her feel better to be doing what she has been.So that might be false. It might also be false when she told me that she has been unhappy for 10 years. So I can't say for a fact what is true. And also, I don't know if there was any sexual contact...I'd typed heavy petting on my original post..but thats my speculation. My sister told me that there wasn't anything more than kissing. So who knows.

Also clarifying: I met the OM and I'm sickened that I was so naive to believe that He was just an old friend. So, at her suggestion I friended him on FB. Looking back it was just another tactic to possibly cover her "friendship". This dude reached out to me a couple times via messages to call him because he'd not heard from my sister for 5 days and was worried. It was at this time that I told my sister and him that I didn't want to be part of this and to tell him to not contact me anymore. Which it did stop!I told my sister at this point that if she wants to be single, to get a divorce...but until then to not contact him. "She of course said "you are absolutely right" And it was at this point that I was under the impression that she wasn't in contact. Let me say this...this EA stuff is powerful. Addict. There was no face to face contact...it was all text and phone calls at this point per her. Ughhhhhhh. Again, I just want to clarify my role in this. I feel like a complete Ahole for allowing myself to believe and get sucked into the pity party of how "horrible my life is, I'm unhappy, I want out of the marriage, H does this, H does that, I don't want to be touched by him etc etc etc" because I was to blind to see she was in a full blown EA. Oh well, I see the light. That is all, carry on

I would not "outcast" him, I would tell him what Dr Harley would tell him: get into anger management immediately. I realize you believe this type of uncontrollable anger is normal, but it is not. It is dangerous. If you don't like that advice, he should email Dr Harley directly and he will explain why this is such a problem. As long as he has such issues with anger, it is not safe to try and fix the marriage because your sister is at high risk of being harmed.

Your BIL can email Dr Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com

Melodylane,
firstly, let me note that I highly, highly value your expertise in all things Marriage builders. And, and as I typed earlier, I know, he knows, that his outburst, his hitting the wall and breaking [censored] was wrong, his anger was wrong, period.I know for a fact that this man has NEVER called her names, he's never verbally or physically abused her, not his demeanor..not his style or character. If my sister were here she would verify this. And, I'd have known this through close close mutual friends period if she had been in an physical abusive relationship. Emotional abusive, absolutely. Because I know that his busting [censored] caused pain, resent, and hate towards him. Does he need counseling? Bet your [censored]. So does she...but if this place gives them just a small fraction of a chance God bless him. I know he doesn't need this forum to work the program. It's just like AA. It's support. Anyhoo, He needs it. But like I said, I doubt he comes here on the forum to get it. I can just pray he reads and reads and reads. I pray he lurks and lurks and lurks. All good ML. You rock...as always!

Let me just mention that Dr. Harley has said that an angry betrayed husband with an unfaithful wife can be one of the hardest kinds of marriages to put back together again. That said, it can be done if they will rigorously follow the principles. He does need to take eliminating angry outbursts seriously.

FYI I've been there.

Thanks Markos for taking the time to respond. I totally agree with what you stated. I'll just keep hoping that he comes here and reads. I actually took pics of several pages of basic needs and texted them to him yesterday. I hope it hit home and that it peaked his interest to learn more. I've done what I can...I'll turn the rest over to God. Peace and love to everyone here at MB. Over and Out! Be well