My husband and partner of seven years, has been loving and devoted until this year we experienced a very hard time in our marriage, I fully take my part in this. We moved countries/jobs/experienced financial pressure/and moved far from family and friends. I didn�t deal with this well, I withdrew he felt unloved by me. This is untrue but this is valid, it is how he felt. I also suspect at this time stress and pressure at work had made him depressed. It was the perfect storm.

He subsequently had a relationship for 3 months with an older, divorced woman .She behaved as a friend at first, but knowingly involved herself with a married man, she promised him the world and made him feel good, he fell in love with her, during this short time. He now feels heartbreak and guilt (for both her and for me). He is angry he blames me for triggering the affair and causing this pain, if I hadn�t withdrawn from him it never would have happened. I wish every day I could turn the clock back.

He told me about this relationship and agreed to cut contact. I want to stay together I still deeply love him. He has offered to turn down a great job opportunity for him, in order to move countries with me, back home, away from her to �try� to give our marriage a real chance. He uses the word �try� which worries me. It has been 4 months since he told me about the relationship. He is still confused he tells me he still has feelings for the other woman but is trying to put them to one side. He loves me but also loves someone else and he is choosing to try to rekindle our marriage. He is sacrificing the job and this other woman to do so. He tells me this should show me that he is committed. Would someone really stay out of obligation? If he was going to leave would he have done so by now?

I asked him to cut contact with her and he has attempted to do so but she still contacts him. I feel cutting contact could be properly achieved by blocking her phone number and email. He can�t understand why this failure to be more firm with her might ultimately stop us from working things out with our marriage and how important it is. He tells me he feels guilt towards the other woman, feels he owes her something. He worries that she will never meet someone like him again and be unhappy in life. He is a good person, not someone who sought out an affair. I worry she plays on his conscience to get what she wants, attention, continued contact, promises for the future.

Worse than the infidelity, is the way he treats me now. He blames me for the pain we are both now going through, and tells me that he is giving up the job and is heartbroken, he loves me but sometimes resents me, he is frustrated with life particularly over giving up the job opportunity. He became highly critical of me, and lashes out in anger at me, other times he stonewalls me. I know he is in pain I focus on the bigger picture which is our future together. Other times he is affectionate and loving. He tells me to be patient with him because he is hurting. He lacks the empathy to stop this behaviour. My mother tells me we lash out at the ones we love the most. I don�t know if this is par for the course in the situation I am in and when the affair fog passes will it improve. I feel like it is a risk I don�t really know what to do about this. If I push too hard I might push him back towards her, if I put up with things even temporarily it might worsen and it is damaging to me. This is the most hurtful part because this is not the man I once knew. Is this behaviour sometimes normal after an affair, does it pass?

I have a real chance to save my marriage, because he wants to move with me and work on things. It�s also a risk because it requires him in two month�s time to move countries with me and turn down the job of his dreams and for my part I don�t want to get hurt again. I am getting older and I truly want to have a family. I had truly hoped it would be with this man. I have never been in a situation like this before.

Hi katiepage, welcome to marriage builders. The biggest problem you have right now is that the affair is still active. He is still in contact with her and has left that door wide open. His foggy behavior is also very revealing. He is not remorseful in the least and actually blames you, his victim for his affair. Your husband had the affair because he has poor boundaries around women. Sure, your marriage may have had issues but the affair would have never taken place if he had not allowed another woman to meet his needs.

The least he can do is give you just compensation for his despicable behavior. That means ending his affair and leaving the job to move away from this woman.

The most impactful thing you can do for your marriage is to expose the affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy. I can tell your husband is still enthralled by the fantasy that is fueled by secrecy. If you exposed the affair wide and far, it would ruin that fantasy and likely end the affair. It is your most powerful weapon in running off this hoe and saving your marriage.

Please go read the exposure thread in my signature and come back and talk.

Thanks Melody

I read your post on exposure.

In my case, it has been exposed. He has told his father and various close friends and some of his colleagues about the affair.

What he hasn't done is find a way to stop her contacting him. He says that he doesn't respond but I can't deal with it. It is a mind block that he has, it is upsetting he says he can't control this and sees nothing wrong with it if he is not responding.

Until Melody replies, you need to go to the link on her signature and read up on exposure.

Having the wayward spouse doing the expoing does not count. Waywards carefully craft a partially accurate press release to soften the blow they hope never comes. The blow is crucial and it's got to come from you, without warning, so study up.

That is not what we mean when we say exposure. Exposure means you tell the family and friends THE TRUTH and ask them to bring pressure on your husband to end his affair and support your marriage. Exposure does not mean lies and spin he tells people. [blaming you for the affair, of course]

And the affair has not been exposed to her family and friends. Is she married?


He is not telling you the truth. The affair is still active. You need to expose the affair and run her off. If he will not end contact with her, Dr. Harley would tell you to separate from him and go into Plan B. And even if the affair was not active, the fact that she is still is contacting him means he is not stopping her, which is grounds for separation.

Your husband is gaslighting you. The affair has not ended. This explains why your husband is so nasty and is blaming you for his affair.

Did you read Dr Harley's article on exposure and why it is the critical first step towards recovery?

When Should an Affair Be Exposed?

After you expose his affair, you should complete this checklist with him.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

He has to change all of his contact information so she can't reach him. He should send this no contact letter.

here


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

Katiepage, I am sorry you are going through this.

Sacrificing the job is a good step but he is gaslighting you by saying that he has sacrificed the OW when he has left the door open for continued contact. It is hurtful and disrespectful to you for him to remain in contact with the person who is trying to destroy your family... and I can guarantee you that this OW is actively pursuing your WH.

Do you have spyware?

Who on the OW's side have you exposed her to? Exposure is crucial because without it there is no one to hold OW accountable. She is free to pursue your WH at will with nothing to lose.





It is par for the course for an active wayward. The affair fog will not pass until NC for life with OW is established.

Melody has posted the checklist for recovery. When your WH commits to and implements everything on that list, it will show you that he is committed. That is also how he can begin to start EARNING back your trust.



Don't be afraid to do what you need to save your marriage. The OW has no fear in trying to breaking it up.

Please read this.
Please Explain Gaslighting